Sadness.....
Dear Buddy,
When the tests were being done everyone told me you were ok. You were too stubborn to have anything wrong with you and it certainly wasnt cancer. I was told 2 days before the diagnosis by 2 people who knew and loved you that they knew you were ok and I had nothing to worry about. The morning of the diagnosis... October 20th.... I woke up and Mom told me that you had cancer. I couldnt stop crying. I screamed in the bathroom, I cried until I couldnt breathe, I almost threw up. I wanted it to all be a dream. I was told that the treatments would be aggressive and that there was a great chance you would be ok. Becky called and reassured me things were good, we cried together. I cried with Lenore. I still thought everything was ok. Everyone crowded you and I didnt get my chance, or when my chance came up I wasnt feeling well and didnt think that I should come around and maybe make you weaker than the treatments already were. I remember the last time I saw you. I cried on the way down the road with Mom. I didnt know what to think. She kept telling me that I needed to keep myself under control. As the weeks went on I spent a lot of time away from home. I felt sorry for you, I couldnt do anything to make it go away. I remember my birthday, December 2nd, when I thought the best gift ever was when you called and said the DR's told you that the cells were shrinking. I believed that and knew you would be ok. I was so excited to hear that. I couldnt believe my ears and immediately wrote you a thank you note for my birthday card and inside said that the best gift ever was hearing about your good check up at the dr's office. I was thrilled. Christmas was a drag, you werent yourself and things were going downhill. I still spent many days away from home and couldnt make myself come home until the wee hours of the morning. I didnt want to be here to hear more bads news everyday. January 17th, Valeries birthday... the cancer had spread to your brain. Thoughts were coming slower and you were forgetting things that you never would have forgotten at any other time in your life. Not long after that you were in the hospital where your own wife and children wouldnt let me in to tell you goodbye. I knew there was no more. The guys at the PD were scared, we were all scared. January 30th, a day of shopping for me. I will never forget it. Mom was looking for clothes, we knew it was only a matter of days. I answered the phone around 8 PM and it was Nanna. She sounded weak... asked to talk to Mom and I knew what had happened. I couldnt stop crying again. Bacon was cooking on the stove along with potatoes. I wanted to throw up again. I didnt know what to do. I wanted to run away and pretend it hadnt happened. Dad made me eat dinner and then the phone calls started. I remember the long pauses in the conversations, people asking details I didnt want to talk about, offering comfort and many shoulders to cry on. Lenore offered the most support making me laugh that night when I didnt think it was possible. That was a Monday. Tuesday was just a depressing day, the PD was decked in black and your Jeep was outside draped with beautiful flowers, the chief had the board at the flower shop done with a memorial for you which we took pictures of while crying at each spot. Wednesday I went shopping the day before your funeral. I went with Lenore, she comforted me and made me aware that her and Bart were there for me. She brought the most beautiful flowers Id ever seen in my life. They smelled so good. We shopped in the Goodwill, ate at Burger King and avoided town because of the people around there. That night I got a comforting call saying that I would have support at your funeral from someone who I now dont need anymore. Patrick was there for me in so many ways. Thursday morning I dont even remember getting dressed, but I remember getting angry because the blonde highlights I got for my birthday were grown out and my ear rings wouldnt go in because my hands were shaking. The funeral home called and I yelled at the man on the phone a little. When we got there all of the guys from the PD looked great. You would have been proud. They shined their shoes and we picked all of Rudys hair from Matts uniform. Many hugs were shared outside of the funeral home. I didnt cry... The first time I cried that day was when I got seperated from Mom when we were going in. I couldnt look the officers in the face, we all wore our dark sunglasses and walked through their procession where they followed us in. I felt sick. Mr. Hall spoke a lovely service where he said you were ready to leave this world and knew you were going someplace better. Honestly I didnt want to hear that. How could you be happy to leave us? I know heaven has to be beautiful, but we miss you. The Military service at the graveside was beautiful. The guys escorted us to their greatest ability and uncle Delmar made me feel better by supporting me and not letting me fall on the ground when the shots went off in the distance and taps played by the man in the field. It was shattering. The luncheon was somber until I got to sit at the table with some people I normally dont get along with and Lenore. We laughed and everyone starred at us like we were insane but that was how we coped with the day. Everyone slowly left and when I finally got home I cried more listening to Diamond Rio-One More Day.
In the months since then, I really thought things would get easier. They didnt. Some days I have cried over the dumbest things. I have laughed about things you used to say, things people have reminded me of, but days like today where people express how much you are missed bother me the most. The last few months havent been easy for me. You wouldnt be happy about a lot of things that have happened,especially with Patrick. He wasnt good for me and was much like the disease that took you away from us. He wanted to break me down and ruin me and when I didnt need him anymore he let me go. Im not sad about that, Im sad that he used you being sick to get close to me and then got upset when I was ok about things. Days like today make me cry the most.. when thoughts of you never escape my mind. Its been almost 6 months since you left us, I dont feel betrayed anymore, but I miss you more than anything. I miss hearing your voice.. I dont remember how you sound anymore but Im afraid to watch the home movies. Im afraid they will melt me and I wont be able to cope. I dont look at pictures much anymore either although I can barely picture you in my head. I miss seeing your Jeep in town and running into you while you were out writing tickets or having lunch at either Sheetz or Burger King. Im tired of people asking me how Im doing, or telling me that they miss you. No one misses you more than your family. People mean well, but I wish they would let us heal before saying things they say.
With that being said, Im not angry with God anymore, he needed you for something that you couldnt do here on earth. Im not angry with your doctors, they did the best they could. Im not in denial over your death anymore, it happened and I know your not coming back. I dont know what else to really say but in closing of this letter you will never read, just know that I miss you and love you always and forever.
When the tests were being done everyone told me you were ok. You were too stubborn to have anything wrong with you and it certainly wasnt cancer. I was told 2 days before the diagnosis by 2 people who knew and loved you that they knew you were ok and I had nothing to worry about. The morning of the diagnosis... October 20th.... I woke up and Mom told me that you had cancer. I couldnt stop crying. I screamed in the bathroom, I cried until I couldnt breathe, I almost threw up. I wanted it to all be a dream. I was told that the treatments would be aggressive and that there was a great chance you would be ok. Becky called and reassured me things were good, we cried together. I cried with Lenore. I still thought everything was ok. Everyone crowded you and I didnt get my chance, or when my chance came up I wasnt feeling well and didnt think that I should come around and maybe make you weaker than the treatments already were. I remember the last time I saw you. I cried on the way down the road with Mom. I didnt know what to think. She kept telling me that I needed to keep myself under control. As the weeks went on I spent a lot of time away from home. I felt sorry for you, I couldnt do anything to make it go away. I remember my birthday, December 2nd, when I thought the best gift ever was when you called and said the DR's told you that the cells were shrinking. I believed that and knew you would be ok. I was so excited to hear that. I couldnt believe my ears and immediately wrote you a thank you note for my birthday card and inside said that the best gift ever was hearing about your good check up at the dr's office. I was thrilled. Christmas was a drag, you werent yourself and things were going downhill. I still spent many days away from home and couldnt make myself come home until the wee hours of the morning. I didnt want to be here to hear more bads news everyday. January 17th, Valeries birthday... the cancer had spread to your brain. Thoughts were coming slower and you were forgetting things that you never would have forgotten at any other time in your life. Not long after that you were in the hospital where your own wife and children wouldnt let me in to tell you goodbye. I knew there was no more. The guys at the PD were scared, we were all scared. January 30th, a day of shopping for me. I will never forget it. Mom was looking for clothes, we knew it was only a matter of days. I answered the phone around 8 PM and it was Nanna. She sounded weak... asked to talk to Mom and I knew what had happened. I couldnt stop crying again. Bacon was cooking on the stove along with potatoes. I wanted to throw up again. I didnt know what to do. I wanted to run away and pretend it hadnt happened. Dad made me eat dinner and then the phone calls started. I remember the long pauses in the conversations, people asking details I didnt want to talk about, offering comfort and many shoulders to cry on. Lenore offered the most support making me laugh that night when I didnt think it was possible. That was a Monday. Tuesday was just a depressing day, the PD was decked in black and your Jeep was outside draped with beautiful flowers, the chief had the board at the flower shop done with a memorial for you which we took pictures of while crying at each spot. Wednesday I went shopping the day before your funeral. I went with Lenore, she comforted me and made me aware that her and Bart were there for me. She brought the most beautiful flowers Id ever seen in my life. They smelled so good. We shopped in the Goodwill, ate at Burger King and avoided town because of the people around there. That night I got a comforting call saying that I would have support at your funeral from someone who I now dont need anymore. Patrick was there for me in so many ways. Thursday morning I dont even remember getting dressed, but I remember getting angry because the blonde highlights I got for my birthday were grown out and my ear rings wouldnt go in because my hands were shaking. The funeral home called and I yelled at the man on the phone a little. When we got there all of the guys from the PD looked great. You would have been proud. They shined their shoes and we picked all of Rudys hair from Matts uniform. Many hugs were shared outside of the funeral home. I didnt cry... The first time I cried that day was when I got seperated from Mom when we were going in. I couldnt look the officers in the face, we all wore our dark sunglasses and walked through their procession where they followed us in. I felt sick. Mr. Hall spoke a lovely service where he said you were ready to leave this world and knew you were going someplace better. Honestly I didnt want to hear that. How could you be happy to leave us? I know heaven has to be beautiful, but we miss you. The Military service at the graveside was beautiful. The guys escorted us to their greatest ability and uncle Delmar made me feel better by supporting me and not letting me fall on the ground when the shots went off in the distance and taps played by the man in the field. It was shattering. The luncheon was somber until I got to sit at the table with some people I normally dont get along with and Lenore. We laughed and everyone starred at us like we were insane but that was how we coped with the day. Everyone slowly left and when I finally got home I cried more listening to Diamond Rio-One More Day.
In the months since then, I really thought things would get easier. They didnt. Some days I have cried over the dumbest things. I have laughed about things you used to say, things people have reminded me of, but days like today where people express how much you are missed bother me the most. The last few months havent been easy for me. You wouldnt be happy about a lot of things that have happened,especially with Patrick. He wasnt good for me and was much like the disease that took you away from us. He wanted to break me down and ruin me and when I didnt need him anymore he let me go. Im not sad about that, Im sad that he used you being sick to get close to me and then got upset when I was ok about things. Days like today make me cry the most.. when thoughts of you never escape my mind. Its been almost 6 months since you left us, I dont feel betrayed anymore, but I miss you more than anything. I miss hearing your voice.. I dont remember how you sound anymore but Im afraid to watch the home movies. Im afraid they will melt me and I wont be able to cope. I dont look at pictures much anymore either although I can barely picture you in my head. I miss seeing your Jeep in town and running into you while you were out writing tickets or having lunch at either Sheetz or Burger King. Im tired of people asking me how Im doing, or telling me that they miss you. No one misses you more than your family. People mean well, but I wish they would let us heal before saying things they say.
With that being said, Im not angry with God anymore, he needed you for something that you couldnt do here on earth. Im not angry with your doctors, they did the best they could. Im not in denial over your death anymore, it happened and I know your not coming back. I dont know what else to really say but in closing of this letter you will never read, just know that I miss you and love you always and forever.