2006..Apparently a pretty bad year.
This entry is going to seem selfish, cold hearted and maybe even rude to some readers, but its something I need to do for myself.
20 was supposed to be the "banger" year for me. I had made a lot of changes so far and felt like I was moving on and feeling more like an adult. I used to shelter myself from things that most people my age would jump into and have a ball doing. There was no time after my 20th birthday that I was ever feeling shameful or anything else and I had jumped on the bandwagon with friends doing stuff that was just plainly fun. Nothing dangerous or illegal, but just having fun. In the same mouthful I can say that turning 20 was also very hard for me. I knew that my Uncle wasnt doing well and that I wasnt spending time with him like I should have, but I couldnt. When I felt well he wasnt feeling well and we didnt disturb him. Either way I honestly was beating myself up for not being with him. Christmas was very hard for us as a family dealing with knowing that he just wasnt doing ok at all. He was getting forgetful and we could see things that only family would see. It saddened my heart to see my Grandparents going through this. I found myself being gone most week ends to just get away. Added into this was my Grandmother on Dads side going into the hospital and having open heart surgery. I spent the night before she went into surgery out until 6 AM and the days after at a friends house to just pass time and allow myself some space to get away before I became overwelmed. New Years I spent with friends who were trying to get married. Days later Grandma came back to live with Paul and things seemed to be getting somewhat better for her. Aunt Karen came up from Atlanta and was behaving herself and was doing well according to everyone. I even saw major improvement with her. Things seemed to be well until around the 17th of January when a guy I had known my whole life passed away in his sleep. That just started some sort of trend. He dies, my uncles cancer was found to be spreading and things went to pot quickly. The past few weeks seem like a blur to me and I dont know how to sum them up. Hell,I know this entry is jumping everywhere, but Im really not thinking about whats coming out, just letting it happen. Either way, after the 17th I felt more overwelmed than I had in a long time. My uncle shortly after the high-dose chemotherapy went into the hospital and everyone knew what was going to happen, but didnt want to admit it. Those were some of the hardest days of my life. I didnt want to leave the house afraid that something would happen. I left here 1 evening and when I came back home I got more bad news when I came home. I couldnt get away from it no matter where I turned. People were concerned about what was going on being that he was a town officer and I couldnt go into town at all because people asked way too many questions. January 30th, the day that is forever stamped into my memory. The events of that day were almost surreal. Mom told me that morning that Buddy wasnt doing well and that he was given a matter of days. I was still hoping for some miracle, some Godsend. I dont know why I wasnt being my usual realistic person, but I couldnt. We went to the grocery store, went to an antiques store and to Subway that day. Laughter wasnt to be found and we were all just moving at the slowest pace. I had a terrible feeling everytime the phone rang and then it did ring one more time. Grandma called to give us the news. It wasnt real to me. I didnt want to believe it at all and I didnt want to think that this could have happened to our family. I know he was ready to go, his body was sick and his heart wasnt. The next few days after this moved so slow. I went to Goodwill with Nore... over 30 people called in less than 2 days. The phone rang off the hook here. Arrangements were made for the 2nd of February 11 AM. Some things got messed up and had to be fixed. I had my moments of meltdown and then came the morning of the 2nd. I got myself dressed, did my makeup and hair to a tee and kept my head high going into the funeral home. I felt like he was watching over all of us as we made our walk through the honor guard and to our assigned seats. We survived the service and I have to say I was touched by the minister who had been with Buddy in his final days. We exited back through the honor guard again. I wont say I didnt cry, but I didnt feel like I was crying sad tears, they were more of a relief. The cemetary was about 30 minutes away, maybe a bit more. We rode over in a procession that was so big that they had to block intersections. So many police cars, so many people and so many onlookers on the edges of the road leaving town. The cemetary is where the sad tears hit me the most. The veterans played taps and they had the 21 gun salute. If it hadnt been for my Uncle Delmar I would have fallen over. We made it through. Another 30 minute drive back into town to a lunch that the town had planned for everyone. There were so many people that I had a hard time even going through the doors and held my head high again. I have never heard so many stories of how 1 person touched peoples lives, made memories with them and brightened their days. We settled in for a long few hours there and when it was all said and done I came home and had a really good cry. Another relief that it was all over. Since the 17th of January Ive known 8 people who have passed away, more than a normal year for me. Its been so overwelming and so much to deal with. I went to 2 funerals in less than 3 days and was at the funeral home 3 times in less than 2 days. Im ready now to unwind, to start being normal again, but its been pretty hard. Today Ive been pretty out of it,dont know if Im shaking off some kind of sickness or just not dealing with things in a positive way. It was nice to talk to Aunt Linda and find out that Im getting Buddys St Christopher. That means the world to me and I will treasure it forever.
20.. the year that I was going to finally tell everyone I wanted to go to college for Criminal Justice, the year that things were going to be positive and just plainly awesome has turned into something not so positive.
I am planning on seriously persuing my education this year and hoping that if I can finish up I will be working for the Sheriffs dept. here in the county. I just dont even know how to push myself along.
To whoever read all of this, I thank you. Im sure there will be more entries to follow.
20 was supposed to be the "banger" year for me. I had made a lot of changes so far and felt like I was moving on and feeling more like an adult. I used to shelter myself from things that most people my age would jump into and have a ball doing. There was no time after my 20th birthday that I was ever feeling shameful or anything else and I had jumped on the bandwagon with friends doing stuff that was just plainly fun. Nothing dangerous or illegal, but just having fun. In the same mouthful I can say that turning 20 was also very hard for me. I knew that my Uncle wasnt doing well and that I wasnt spending time with him like I should have, but I couldnt. When I felt well he wasnt feeling well and we didnt disturb him. Either way I honestly was beating myself up for not being with him. Christmas was very hard for us as a family dealing with knowing that he just wasnt doing ok at all. He was getting forgetful and we could see things that only family would see. It saddened my heart to see my Grandparents going through this. I found myself being gone most week ends to just get away. Added into this was my Grandmother on Dads side going into the hospital and having open heart surgery. I spent the night before she went into surgery out until 6 AM and the days after at a friends house to just pass time and allow myself some space to get away before I became overwelmed. New Years I spent with friends who were trying to get married. Days later Grandma came back to live with Paul and things seemed to be getting somewhat better for her. Aunt Karen came up from Atlanta and was behaving herself and was doing well according to everyone. I even saw major improvement with her. Things seemed to be well until around the 17th of January when a guy I had known my whole life passed away in his sleep. That just started some sort of trend. He dies, my uncles cancer was found to be spreading and things went to pot quickly. The past few weeks seem like a blur to me and I dont know how to sum them up. Hell,I know this entry is jumping everywhere, but Im really not thinking about whats coming out, just letting it happen. Either way, after the 17th I felt more overwelmed than I had in a long time. My uncle shortly after the high-dose chemotherapy went into the hospital and everyone knew what was going to happen, but didnt want to admit it. Those were some of the hardest days of my life. I didnt want to leave the house afraid that something would happen. I left here 1 evening and when I came back home I got more bad news when I came home. I couldnt get away from it no matter where I turned. People were concerned about what was going on being that he was a town officer and I couldnt go into town at all because people asked way too many questions. January 30th, the day that is forever stamped into my memory. The events of that day were almost surreal. Mom told me that morning that Buddy wasnt doing well and that he was given a matter of days. I was still hoping for some miracle, some Godsend. I dont know why I wasnt being my usual realistic person, but I couldnt. We went to the grocery store, went to an antiques store and to Subway that day. Laughter wasnt to be found and we were all just moving at the slowest pace. I had a terrible feeling everytime the phone rang and then it did ring one more time. Grandma called to give us the news. It wasnt real to me. I didnt want to believe it at all and I didnt want to think that this could have happened to our family. I know he was ready to go, his body was sick and his heart wasnt. The next few days after this moved so slow. I went to Goodwill with Nore... over 30 people called in less than 2 days. The phone rang off the hook here. Arrangements were made for the 2nd of February 11 AM. Some things got messed up and had to be fixed. I had my moments of meltdown and then came the morning of the 2nd. I got myself dressed, did my makeup and hair to a tee and kept my head high going into the funeral home. I felt like he was watching over all of us as we made our walk through the honor guard and to our assigned seats. We survived the service and I have to say I was touched by the minister who had been with Buddy in his final days. We exited back through the honor guard again. I wont say I didnt cry, but I didnt feel like I was crying sad tears, they were more of a relief. The cemetary was about 30 minutes away, maybe a bit more. We rode over in a procession that was so big that they had to block intersections. So many police cars, so many people and so many onlookers on the edges of the road leaving town. The cemetary is where the sad tears hit me the most. The veterans played taps and they had the 21 gun salute. If it hadnt been for my Uncle Delmar I would have fallen over. We made it through. Another 30 minute drive back into town to a lunch that the town had planned for everyone. There were so many people that I had a hard time even going through the doors and held my head high again. I have never heard so many stories of how 1 person touched peoples lives, made memories with them and brightened their days. We settled in for a long few hours there and when it was all said and done I came home and had a really good cry. Another relief that it was all over. Since the 17th of January Ive known 8 people who have passed away, more than a normal year for me. Its been so overwelming and so much to deal with. I went to 2 funerals in less than 3 days and was at the funeral home 3 times in less than 2 days. Im ready now to unwind, to start being normal again, but its been pretty hard. Today Ive been pretty out of it,dont know if Im shaking off some kind of sickness or just not dealing with things in a positive way. It was nice to talk to Aunt Linda and find out that Im getting Buddys St Christopher. That means the world to me and I will treasure it forever.
20.. the year that I was going to finally tell everyone I wanted to go to college for Criminal Justice, the year that things were going to be positive and just plainly awesome has turned into something not so positive.
I am planning on seriously persuing my education this year and hoping that if I can finish up I will be working for the Sheriffs dept. here in the county. I just dont even know how to push myself along.
To whoever read all of this, I thank you. Im sure there will be more entries to follow.