My Conversations With Jesus-Part 2
(edit: For the record....my first conversation was with God, but I meant Jesus, I was just so stoned I couldn't remember who I had the conversation with. So pretend the last one was Jesus, and I will put the correct name from now on. Thanks for understanding, enjoy!)
Jesus and I had a long talk about my problem with sex last night. While he is a very understanding guy he seems to have a few questions about my current lifestyle. So here is our convo, in case you need some input on sex too!
Jesus: Mellow….we need to talk.
Mellow: Oh GOD, I mean uh, Oh Jesus Christ…what now!
Jesus: This sex thing….
Mellow: Damn you! Don’t start; you are supposed to be supportive of my decisions in life!
Jesus: Oh please, just listen okay. I’m a little concerned about your lack of emotional attachment to all the men you fuck….with the exception of the only one who matters. Speaking of that, can we get a name for him? Because that is getting confusing.
Mellow: Oh great idea, I will call him Ty.
Jesus: Go figure
Mellow: Shut it Jesus….
Jesus: So why are you having sex with these other guys if you are in love with the only one…I mean with Ty?
Mellow: Because I like sex….Do I need more of a reason?
Jesus: I kind of think you are a slut.
Mellow: That is only because you never get any…..
Jesus: That is beside the point.
Mellow: You think? Maybe we should talk about your lack of sex. Aren’t there any hot girls in heaven?
Jesus: You are so ridiculous!
Mellow: Avoiding the question are we?
Jesus: YOU are the one who is avoiding the question! We are talking about your slut issues.
Mellow: No, YOU are talking about my slut issues, if we can really call them issues; I happen to be talking about how bad you need to get laid.
Jesus: Don’t you read the God damn bible? I don’t have sex….so how about you rub it in some more!
Mellow: I think the Bible skips a lot of stuff including Jesus’ sexcapdes!!! What Mormon mommy wants to read about Jesus fucking some hot red head when she and her husband believe that “sexual intercourse” is for making babies and only babies? None. So you can have sex, just don’t let anyone write about it!
Jesus: What happens when you post our conversations in you stoner LJ?
Mellow: I would NEVER do that! That is almost sacrilegious!
Jesus: Why do you lie to me this way? I think I need to reevaluate my best friend friendship with you.
Mellow: Please don’t go emo on me again…..I can’t stand that.
Jesus: I still don’t get the whole emo thing.
Mellow: Well if you ever feel the urge to cut you hair and dye it black and start writing poetry about slitting your wrists over that hot red head, we would have a problem.
Jesus: I had thought about a little hair cut….
Mellow: Ignore that thought….can we talk about sex again?
Jesus: Yes, why are you such a fucking whore?
Mellow: Because it is fun…and I enjoy it.
Jesus: I know you are broken…remember, we are best friends, you told me that no one can, uh, you know….make you have that little O thing you are always talking about.
Mellow: OMFG!!! I am going to be writing this in my LJ, don’t say shit like that!
Jesus: What happened to it being sacrilegious?
Mellow: Overrated
Jesus: Totally
Mellow: I just ordered a vibrating bath loofah from a sex catalog.
Jesus: A wha?
Mellow: A bath loofah that vibrates!
Jesus: Loofah? I’m not sure I’ve been educated with that term as of yet.
Mellow: Oh for hell’s sake!
Jesus: What about for heaven’s sake?
Mellow: Okay, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE! It is a sponge thingy that you put soap on and wash your body with.
Jesus: And why does it vibrate?
Mellow: So it can get me off when the guys don’t! Bwahahahahhahahahahahahahaha
Jesus: You are so crude!
Mellow: ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Jesus: Maybe you have offended me, and you don’t even seem to care!
Mellow: ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Jesus: You are relentless
Mellow: ahahahaha….okay I’m done laughing at you.
Jesus: Oh good (*sarcastically*)
Mellow: Oh wait hold on, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Jesus: *flinch*
Mellow: You need to get out of your bubble man. I think you spend to much time in Utah blessing your minions or whatever the fuck they are called.
Jesus: *ahem* Actually, I spend all my time in Utah trying to console my fucked up best friend…..who happens to be you.
Mellow: Oh, yeah, I forget….I don’t remember any consolation going on here.
Jesus: I tried….but you are just so lame I couldn’t think of anything to say.
Mellow: Oh I like how you used lame! Very good…I’ve been teaching you well!
Jesus: Hey thanks! I told my dad he was lame when he asked me to make some fish into bread or some shit like that…..he didn’t get it. Now I can see how good you feel when I don’t understand things….Making fun of people is amazing! But really, I was murdered because of him so I think he can handle being called lame.
Mellow: I agree! Just don’t tell him that I am the one who taught you that.
Jesus: I heart you teaching me rude words.
Mellow: Hey, you are like Tarzan and I am like Jane! I teach you how to speak the correct language and you swing on vines….oh wait, that doesn’t fit, but you have long ugly hair so it is kind of the same still.
Jesus: You are so weird
Mellow: Well, they don’t call me Mellow for nothing!
Jesus: That made no sense at all.
Mellow: Yes, which is my point exactly!
Jesus: Eh, lets smoke a spliff before I have to go back to “work” blessing my “minions”. I think I have an appointment to break some bread or multiply some fish…I’ll need to be blazed for that.
Mellow: We rock
Jesus: Yeah we do….*puff puff*
We didn't get much accomplished in that conversation did we?