CANDY STORE
Sid and Nicely's Gourmet Cream-filled Candies
Over 100 Flavors!
A
Abused Housewife: blood and pan-cake makeup
Adulterer: vodka, spermicide, and aftershave
Alcoholic: schnapps and mouthwash (a peppermint lover's delight!)
Altar Boy: cotton candy and KY
Arsonist: nicotine, kerosene, and thorazine
B
Bull Dyke: volley balls, denim and leg hair
Bondage Freaks: the metallic aftertaste of regret
Beyonce: body oil, the determination of one enslaved ancestry and Jay-Z's dick
Bleach Blonde: dehydrated strawberries lightly marinated in beer
Bastard: the reek of one thousand angry ex-girlfriends, and if it's possible to condense arrogant laughter into a pleasant syrup, some of that too
C:
Congressman: cigar lit by burning cash
Cab Driver: curry and urine
Candlemaker: burning wax and broken dreams
Condaleeza Rice: lipstick and asshole
Catholic Churchgoer: guilt, cheap wine, and transubstantiated man-flesh
D:
Dashboard Confessional: bits of broken heart and the first few strands of pubic hair
Drag Queen: distilled bitchiness in a sugar-coated sequin shell
Dahmer: guess.
Dairy Queen: grade F meat that gives you acne
Douchebag: Bam Margera and food colorant
E:
Eye Doctor:
S
A L
i n e
Elephant Trainer: peanuts, shit, peanut shit
Extra Terrestrial: ~*//:{ and []+)(*<
Emily Dickinson: dust, dried prunes, and a thing with feathers
Evanescence singer: MACK and cheese
Emo Kid: unused guitar strings, hair dye, and crocodile tears
F:
Fashion Victim: gouchos, a peasant top, giant sunglasses and sequined flip-flops
Feces: milk chocolate--it's the reward to everyone who takes the chance
Frenchman: feces.
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: canned laughter and light-hearted early 90s black comedy-flavoring
Fellatio: i don't know, the only people who buy these candies are girls just trying to be nice-
AND THEY GENERALLY GAG WHEN THEY SWALLOW THEM!
G:
Garfield: paper lasagna, stale jokes, the greas of a marketing machine
G-man (FBI agent): swamp gas and black magic marker
German Citizen: beer, sausage, and shame
Gold Digger: suntan lotion, Chanel no.5, and cold black avarice
George W.: fiery crosses, burning books, and deep-fried Tex-mex mentally challenged convicts
H:
Halloween: razor blades and arsenic colored light pink to attract small preferrably innocent children
Hashish: rumored to be delicious in many countries but illegal in this one
Happy: nicotine & valium with a bittersweet lost-love aftertaste
Heroine: heroin and E
Honesty: [[this product line has been discontinued]]
I:
Ivy League: rowing gear, silver spoons, elitism, ivy
IHOP: post-coital cigarettes, exhaust, lonely syrup, and too much butter
Iron Man: repulsor rays, vodka vomit, and sweaty metal
Ireland: warm Guinness, boiled potatoes, pipe bombs, and unplanned pregnancies
Ice Carver: champagne, melting talent
Indian Casino: fire water, trail of tears from the blackjack table, big smiles and burning hatred of the white man
Irving Berlin: fireworks and severely obscure references
J:
Justin Timberlake: an insurmountable collision of teenaged bumper, enough Axe to send a horse into labor, and a pinch of Viagra just because. oh yeah, and imprinted into each chocolate: "I did Britney Spears (when she was hot)"
Janitor: the cumulative vomit, piss, shit, sweat and semen from everyone in that building's Worst Day Ever
Jessica Simpson: see also "Bleach Blonde": add two parts horse shit for authenticity
Jersey: angry exhaust fumes, tired stereotypes
Japan: fish, rice, and all the sexual perversion you can fucking handle
John Deere: the chunk of my brain I lost trying to comprehend why this logo is so f'ing popular all of a sudden
Journey: shreds of sweaty balled-up panties thrown onstage, the tears of every man afraid to admit he has cried to "Faithfully," and oh yeah ONLY THE BEST MUSIC EVER
Jelly: Aspartame*, 13% REAL cranberries!, dicalcium carbonate, something "benzoate", SPF15, Color Red D12, Color Caramel 715, BHT, TBHQ, hydrogenated soybean oil, gum acacia, nicotine, the lost fingernail of an Indonesian 7 year old
Jack Shit: nothing :]
*PHENYLKETONURICS: This product contains phenylalanine.
K:
Kelly LeBrock: chips, dips, chains, whips- your typical high school orgy
KKK: the perfectly honed evil that only a lifetime of carefully cultivated ignorance can produce, crackers
Karma: one's own breath
Kindergarten: fingerpaint, Elmer's glue, one nation undertaught
Kool-aid: 9 parts high-fructose cornstarch, 1 part crack cocaine
Kindness: anyone who finds this specially wrapped, limited edition candy gets a guided tour of our chocolate factory, complete with untold dangers and award-winning songs
Koosh Balls: hundreds of tiny pieces of fad, Rosie O'Donnell grease
Kama Sutra: 5 women, 2 men, 3 cushions, and a goat- Sacred Lotus
Kookoogajoob: the walrus (Yoko's hair, two bullets, the talent)
King: gold oil, chicken fat, the blood and sweat of countless peons
L:
Loser: the thumb and index finger of everyone who has ever made an "L" with them
Lipstick Lesbian: poisonous stiletto spikes, eyeshadow, a Girls Gone Wild video camera, and the shattered gonads of many fallen warriors. add one part college diploma in order to make "Married Housewife" cream filling.
Lindsey Lohan: http://www.photodump.com/direct/acanuck/web-cam-cleavage-0004.jpg
Lone Shark: Frankie's fifth finger, oregano, diamond chunks, one grotesquely hairy mole
Lush: Liz Taylor's blood (BAC: 12.6)
Lyricist: unbridled fury and the entrails of Ashlee Simpson
M:
Miser: penny copper and loneliness
Mystery Science Theater 3000: bad movies, puppets, and hilarity
Mounds: don't
Mr. T: bling, cancer, pity of fools
Mortician: embalming fluid, lubricant, uncomfortable silence
Marine Biologist: seaweed, saltwater, and cunnilingus jokes
Matthew McConaughey: chewing tobacco, whitening gel, sheer damn manliness
Multi-millionaire: pre-nups, paper shredders, and absolutely no taxes, guaranteed
Mother: hugs, milk, and a choice of negligence or a great big cross
Matt Blackwood: indistinct non-vanilla flavor, insecurity, caustic sarcasm, unexplained scars, wasted potential, soy lecithin
N:
Nice: me!
Napoleon Dynamite: a neverending flow of screen t-shirts, the pituitary glands of all who say "flippin" now, Hot Topic's dirty sanchez, and VOTE FOR PEDRO fucking everywhere
Napster: a coalescing sense of dread amongst those of the music industry, the tears of Metallica
Non-Fat Zero Cal: cancer
Narnia: a magical secret world with a queen and perpetual winter and half-goats and other majestic creatures and A WAR AND A LION!!
Nerds: http://www.livejournal.com/users/one_user_less/151555.html
Narrative: ...gold had turned to ash. Love was dead, God was dead, and welcome to adulthood, by the way. I felt at a loss though I had only watched from a window. They had failed. The drugs hadn’t saved them and the laughter hadn’t saved them and the sex, most of all, hadn’t saved them. This project, of unconditional love and acceptance and freedom, had failed. And I don’t know what that means. I don’t.
O:
Oral Hygiene: fresh mint, cool mint, requirement
Onomatopoeia: BAM! ZIP! POW!
Overbearing Father: disappointment, mistrust, deep-seated incestuous fantasies
Oven Fresh: little pieces of Sylvia Plath's skull
Ornithologist: twigs, birdshit, lots of odes
Oval Office: low-sperm handshakes, non-toxic crayons, lies so black that they are kept out of the senate
Original Flavor: a distinct blend of the cream of creators Sid and Nicely*
*produced out of wedlock
P:
Princess: glitter, glue, statistic symbols, baby blue, 14 candles on a birthday cake, brain irritant
Paris Hilton: the blood from her drugstream, technically "fatal" amounts of rohypnol, anti-vitamins and paint-thinner
Paris, France: red wine, a pool of psychosexual energy, the eiffel tower, the mona lisa, a sign reading "Big Deal"
Partnership for a Drug-Free America: misleading charts, nonsensical inference, every load of shit from a politician's ass within the DC area, and my middle finger
Pope: a mouthful of bengay and wisps of paper to simulate the hands, a special catholic strain of alzheimer's
Princeton: textbook pages smeared in shit as if used for toilet paper, the smell of your tax dollars at work
Pac-Man: flashing fruit, what appear to be yellow ping-pong balls, latent homosexuality
Poe: lots and lots of female tuberculosis, bad luck
Q:
Quiz Show: rugula, chocolate cake, questions so hard they had to cheat
Queen Elizabeth II: kippered heirs, hearing aid batteries, figurehead cheese
Quitter: the agony of defeat, the apathy of regular defeat
Quoth the Raven: nevermore
Quantum Physicist: obstruse mathematical formulas that describe your past, present, and future love of dead baby jokes
Quicksilver: liquid mercury, three and many wishes
Quiet Neighbors: fingers, eyeballs, unidentified giblets referred to as exhibits A through YY
R:
Ralph Lauren: pastel colorant, a polo collar, open and tolerant working conditions, probable anorexia
Reality: bitter, bitter chocolate
Retalin: the fwd button from a VCR and a world of misjudged toddlers
Rap Singer: a candy shell that both emits bullets and guards from them
Resin: a tracking device that embeds itself into the intestinal wall, guaranteeing Nestle constant trackage of potheads for demographical recon
Ronald McDonald: an all-beef patty, a sesame seed bun, and the goddamn will to be a clown
S:
Surprise: mystery flavor! (grape)
Stork Droppings: poorly educated children
Steve Martin: Mark Twain wine turning to Queen Latifah vinegar
Shyamalan (M Night): 3 parts twilight zone, 2 hours talking, and a surprise twist! (grape)
Stupid People: fair and balanced beer, football injuries, Larry the Cable Guy, TRL, and bible verse, all dubbed with Bob Saget's comic voiceover talent
Snowman: a corncob pipe and a button nose and pure Colombian cocaine
Smartass: insecure sanctimony, keen eye, utter lack of helpfulness
Shay Nicely: fanboy drool, a rennaissance mind deep-fried in hashish and wrapped inside a thin sexy shell, heartbreaking smile garnish
T:
Tallahassee: garnet, gold, nothing else
Transvestite: duct tape, the song "Believe," and an anti-truth serum that allows you to live completely in a lie
TV: formulas, tasteless pudding, Nick GUTS, Trading Spaces, that girl who played Brenda Walsh, and a solvent that affects the frontal lobe
Terry Schiavo: chicken salad sandwich, blueberry pancakes, apple turnovers, green bean casserole, homefries, lasagna, and bacon and eggs
Tap Dancer: ankle blisters, a dominant mother, and the ability to cling tenaciously to childhood victories
Trash: used condoms, soiled products, rotten eggs and meat, maggots, flies in other stages of development, dead things including babies, shameful documents
U:
Undercover Cop: sweat, fake slang, real habit, adhesive scars
Urgent News Bulletin: something about someone rich and/or pretty
USA: French fries, German hot dogs, Dutch apple pie, and real American pectoral angina
Undulation: worth the extra effort
Umbrella: mocking pictures of a sunny day at the beach, blood from the ocular cavities of dozens of men my height, the rain that soaked through my socks anyway
Uvula: unsexy typo
U-Haul: the marinara-soaked silk of every Mafia front, the accumulated useless junk of one million indecisive relocators, and official transportation of the witness protection program
Union: better wages through broken legs
V:
Virgin: an extremely hard sugar shell, followed by a slightly softer layer, then another ALSO slightly softer layer, then the softest layer of all, and then your teeth break the creamy center and it moans
Venereal Disease: I got so excited about this one that my mind went blank
Veronica: cartoon titties, undying love for Archie
Valium: dreams, starlight, bubble bath kitten paws and the laid-back musical stylings of Maroon 5
Vicodin: everything above except in total blackness
Val Kilmer: who?
Valtrex: suppression
Vioxx: chocolate cardiac arrest
W:
Wonder Woman: lasso of truth, themyscirean tiara sweat, a million manhoods reached watching Lynda Carter
Widow: tears drying on cash from workers' compensation settlement, rapidly fading facial bruises, the dust blown off of makeup kit
Winter: Jack Frost nipping at amaretto and nog, trying desparately to make the pain go away
Walt Disney: sun-dried vomit on costume fur, a roomful of retired microphones ruined by Robin Williams's spittle, computer-generated Governor of Florida, and artificial sweetener
Working Girl: greasy baby formula money and the faintest hint of blood on latex
Womanizer: more perfume than cologne, the proud stink of three-day-old sex, 7 Durex flavors, and a dash of Binaca
Washington, DC: a delightful bouquet of Working Girl, Congressman, Snowman, and Trash
X
Xenophobia: composed entirely of strangers, the eyeballs of people you've never known, the fingers of people you'll never see
Xena: the biceps of a Norse butcher, mildly suggestive pleather, and the bruised asses of the gods
XXX: the removed and crushed to a pulp 'nads of Vin Diesel's agent, and hazelnut
X: MDMA
X: a time machine that will allow me to travel back and sabotage the invention of the letter "X"
X: a petition encouraging you to act today to include the letter X in more words
Y:
Youth Minister: the pure theatre odor of sweat through stage makeup, remnants of virgin blood, diamond crucifix dust, a wave of euphoria from too much oxygen pumped through stadium vents, the absolute corruption of making 10,000 hands sway in unison
Yorick: the lips I kissed I know not how oft
Yiddish: 15 words for penis
Yes Man: hemhorroid lip gloss and no soul to speak of
Yellow: Coldplay's rain and tears in the sand. basically banana
You: interactive! insert flavor from personal cream collection for a custom treat
Z:
Zombie: brains!
Zen: it doesn't matter (but if you have to know: triptophan)
Zack Morris: the befuddled scalp of Principal Belding, the heart of AC Slater (trophy), one of Kelly Kapowski's hands and a dark slant on everyone's favorite afterschool program
Zoloft: chocolate balls with little frowny faces etched into them
Zesty Italian: the most unpopular chocolate candy EVER
Over 100 Flavors!
A
Abused Housewife: blood and pan-cake makeup
Adulterer: vodka, spermicide, and aftershave
Alcoholic: schnapps and mouthwash (a peppermint lover's delight!)
Altar Boy: cotton candy and KY
Arsonist: nicotine, kerosene, and thorazine
B
Bull Dyke: volley balls, denim and leg hair
Bondage Freaks: the metallic aftertaste of regret
Beyonce: body oil, the determination of one enslaved ancestry and Jay-Z's dick
Bleach Blonde: dehydrated strawberries lightly marinated in beer
Bastard: the reek of one thousand angry ex-girlfriends, and if it's possible to condense arrogant laughter into a pleasant syrup, some of that too
C:
Congressman: cigar lit by burning cash
Cab Driver: curry and urine
Candlemaker: burning wax and broken dreams
Condaleeza Rice: lipstick and asshole
Catholic Churchgoer: guilt, cheap wine, and transubstantiated man-flesh
D:
Dashboard Confessional: bits of broken heart and the first few strands of pubic hair
Drag Queen: distilled bitchiness in a sugar-coated sequin shell
Dahmer: guess.
Dairy Queen: grade F meat that gives you acne
Douchebag: Bam Margera and food colorant
E:
Eye Doctor:
S
A L
i n e
Elephant Trainer: peanuts, shit, peanut shit
Extra Terrestrial: ~*//:{ and []+)(*<
Emily Dickinson: dust, dried prunes, and a thing with feathers
Evanescence singer: MACK and cheese
Emo Kid: unused guitar strings, hair dye, and crocodile tears
F:
Fashion Victim: gouchos, a peasant top, giant sunglasses and sequined flip-flops
Feces: milk chocolate--it's the reward to everyone who takes the chance
Frenchman: feces.
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: canned laughter and light-hearted early 90s black comedy-flavoring
Fellatio: i don't know, the only people who buy these candies are girls just trying to be nice-
AND THEY GENERALLY GAG WHEN THEY SWALLOW THEM!
G:
Garfield: paper lasagna, stale jokes, the greas of a marketing machine
G-man (FBI agent): swamp gas and black magic marker
German Citizen: beer, sausage, and shame
Gold Digger: suntan lotion, Chanel no.5, and cold black avarice
George W.: fiery crosses, burning books, and deep-fried Tex-mex mentally challenged convicts
H:
Halloween: razor blades and arsenic colored light pink to attract small preferrably innocent children
Hashish: rumored to be delicious in many countries but illegal in this one
Happy: nicotine & valium with a bittersweet lost-love aftertaste
Heroine: heroin and E
Honesty: [[this product line has been discontinued]]
I:
Ivy League: rowing gear, silver spoons, elitism, ivy
IHOP: post-coital cigarettes, exhaust, lonely syrup, and too much butter
Iron Man: repulsor rays, vodka vomit, and sweaty metal
Ireland: warm Guinness, boiled potatoes, pipe bombs, and unplanned pregnancies
Ice Carver: champagne, melting talent
Indian Casino: fire water, trail of tears from the blackjack table, big smiles and burning hatred of the white man
Irving Berlin: fireworks and severely obscure references
J:
Justin Timberlake: an insurmountable collision of teenaged bumper, enough Axe to send a horse into labor, and a pinch of Viagra just because. oh yeah, and imprinted into each chocolate: "I did Britney Spears (when she was hot)"
Janitor: the cumulative vomit, piss, shit, sweat and semen from everyone in that building's Worst Day Ever
Jessica Simpson: see also "Bleach Blonde": add two parts horse shit for authenticity
Jersey: angry exhaust fumes, tired stereotypes
Japan: fish, rice, and all the sexual perversion you can fucking handle
John Deere: the chunk of my brain I lost trying to comprehend why this logo is so f'ing popular all of a sudden
Journey: shreds of sweaty balled-up panties thrown onstage, the tears of every man afraid to admit he has cried to "Faithfully," and oh yeah ONLY THE BEST MUSIC EVER
Jelly: Aspartame*, 13% REAL cranberries!, dicalcium carbonate, something "benzoate", SPF15, Color Red D12, Color Caramel 715, BHT, TBHQ, hydrogenated soybean oil, gum acacia, nicotine, the lost fingernail of an Indonesian 7 year old
Jack Shit: nothing :]
*PHENYLKETONURICS: This product contains phenylalanine.
K:
Kelly LeBrock: chips, dips, chains, whips- your typical high school orgy
KKK: the perfectly honed evil that only a lifetime of carefully cultivated ignorance can produce, crackers
Karma: one's own breath
Kindergarten: fingerpaint, Elmer's glue, one nation undertaught
Kool-aid: 9 parts high-fructose cornstarch, 1 part crack cocaine
Kindness: anyone who finds this specially wrapped, limited edition candy gets a guided tour of our chocolate factory, complete with untold dangers and award-winning songs
Koosh Balls: hundreds of tiny pieces of fad, Rosie O'Donnell grease
Kama Sutra: 5 women, 2 men, 3 cushions, and a goat- Sacred Lotus
Kookoogajoob: the walrus (Yoko's hair, two bullets, the talent)
King: gold oil, chicken fat, the blood and sweat of countless peons
L:
Loser: the thumb and index finger of everyone who has ever made an "L" with them
Lipstick Lesbian: poisonous stiletto spikes, eyeshadow, a Girls Gone Wild video camera, and the shattered gonads of many fallen warriors. add one part college diploma in order to make "Married Housewife" cream filling.
Lindsey Lohan: http://www.photodump.com/direct/acanuck/web-cam-cleavage-0004.jpg
Lone Shark: Frankie's fifth finger, oregano, diamond chunks, one grotesquely hairy mole
Lush: Liz Taylor's blood (BAC: 12.6)
Lyricist: unbridled fury and the entrails of Ashlee Simpson
M:
Miser: penny copper and loneliness
Mystery Science Theater 3000: bad movies, puppets, and hilarity
Mounds: don't
Mr. T: bling, cancer, pity of fools
Mortician: embalming fluid, lubricant, uncomfortable silence
Marine Biologist: seaweed, saltwater, and cunnilingus jokes
Matthew McConaughey: chewing tobacco, whitening gel, sheer damn manliness
Multi-millionaire: pre-nups, paper shredders, and absolutely no taxes, guaranteed
Mother: hugs, milk, and a choice of negligence or a great big cross
Matt Blackwood: indistinct non-vanilla flavor, insecurity, caustic sarcasm, unexplained scars, wasted potential, soy lecithin
N:
Nice: me!
Napoleon Dynamite: a neverending flow of screen t-shirts, the pituitary glands of all who say "flippin" now, Hot Topic's dirty sanchez, and VOTE FOR PEDRO fucking everywhere
Napster: a coalescing sense of dread amongst those of the music industry, the tears of Metallica
Non-Fat Zero Cal: cancer
Narnia: a magical secret world with a queen and perpetual winter and half-goats and other majestic creatures and A WAR AND A LION!!
Nerds: http://www.livejournal.com/users/one_user_less/151555.html
Narrative: ...gold had turned to ash. Love was dead, God was dead, and welcome to adulthood, by the way. I felt at a loss though I had only watched from a window. They had failed. The drugs hadn’t saved them and the laughter hadn’t saved them and the sex, most of all, hadn’t saved them. This project, of unconditional love and acceptance and freedom, had failed. And I don’t know what that means. I don’t.
O:
Oral Hygiene: fresh mint, cool mint, requirement
Onomatopoeia: BAM! ZIP! POW!
Overbearing Father: disappointment, mistrust, deep-seated incestuous fantasies
Oven Fresh: little pieces of Sylvia Plath's skull
Ornithologist: twigs, birdshit, lots of odes
Oval Office: low-sperm handshakes, non-toxic crayons, lies so black that they are kept out of the senate
Original Flavor: a distinct blend of the cream of creators Sid and Nicely*
*produced out of wedlock
P:
Princess: glitter, glue, statistic symbols, baby blue, 14 candles on a birthday cake, brain irritant
Paris Hilton: the blood from her drugstream, technically "fatal" amounts of rohypnol, anti-vitamins and paint-thinner
Paris, France: red wine, a pool of psychosexual energy, the eiffel tower, the mona lisa, a sign reading "Big Deal"
Partnership for a Drug-Free America: misleading charts, nonsensical inference, every load of shit from a politician's ass within the DC area, and my middle finger
Pope: a mouthful of bengay and wisps of paper to simulate the hands, a special catholic strain of alzheimer's
Princeton: textbook pages smeared in shit as if used for toilet paper, the smell of your tax dollars at work
Pac-Man: flashing fruit, what appear to be yellow ping-pong balls, latent homosexuality
Poe: lots and lots of female tuberculosis, bad luck
Q:
Quiz Show: rugula, chocolate cake, questions so hard they had to cheat
Queen Elizabeth II: kippered heirs, hearing aid batteries, figurehead cheese
Quitter: the agony of defeat, the apathy of regular defeat
Quoth the Raven: nevermore
Quantum Physicist: obstruse mathematical formulas that describe your past, present, and future love of dead baby jokes
Quicksilver: liquid mercury, three and many wishes
Quiet Neighbors: fingers, eyeballs, unidentified giblets referred to as exhibits A through YY
R:
Ralph Lauren: pastel colorant, a polo collar, open and tolerant working conditions, probable anorexia
Reality: bitter, bitter chocolate
Retalin: the fwd button from a VCR and a world of misjudged toddlers
Rap Singer: a candy shell that both emits bullets and guards from them
Resin: a tracking device that embeds itself into the intestinal wall, guaranteeing Nestle constant trackage of potheads for demographical recon
Ronald McDonald: an all-beef patty, a sesame seed bun, and the goddamn will to be a clown
S:
Surprise: mystery flavor! (grape)
Stork Droppings: poorly educated children
Steve Martin: Mark Twain wine turning to Queen Latifah vinegar
Shyamalan (M Night): 3 parts twilight zone, 2 hours talking, and a surprise twist! (grape)
Stupid People: fair and balanced beer, football injuries, Larry the Cable Guy, TRL, and bible verse, all dubbed with Bob Saget's comic voiceover talent
Snowman: a corncob pipe and a button nose and pure Colombian cocaine
Smartass: insecure sanctimony, keen eye, utter lack of helpfulness
Shay Nicely: fanboy drool, a rennaissance mind deep-fried in hashish and wrapped inside a thin sexy shell, heartbreaking smile garnish
T:
Tallahassee: garnet, gold, nothing else
Transvestite: duct tape, the song "Believe," and an anti-truth serum that allows you to live completely in a lie
TV: formulas, tasteless pudding, Nick GUTS, Trading Spaces, that girl who played Brenda Walsh, and a solvent that affects the frontal lobe
Terry Schiavo: chicken salad sandwich, blueberry pancakes, apple turnovers, green bean casserole, homefries, lasagna, and bacon and eggs
Tap Dancer: ankle blisters, a dominant mother, and the ability to cling tenaciously to childhood victories
Trash: used condoms, soiled products, rotten eggs and meat, maggots, flies in other stages of development, dead things including babies, shameful documents
U:
Undercover Cop: sweat, fake slang, real habit, adhesive scars
Urgent News Bulletin: something about someone rich and/or pretty
USA: French fries, German hot dogs, Dutch apple pie, and real American pectoral angina
Undulation: worth the extra effort
Umbrella: mocking pictures of a sunny day at the beach, blood from the ocular cavities of dozens of men my height, the rain that soaked through my socks anyway
Uvula: unsexy typo
U-Haul: the marinara-soaked silk of every Mafia front, the accumulated useless junk of one million indecisive relocators, and official transportation of the witness protection program
Union: better wages through broken legs
V:
Virgin: an extremely hard sugar shell, followed by a slightly softer layer, then another ALSO slightly softer layer, then the softest layer of all, and then your teeth break the creamy center and it moans
Venereal Disease: I got so excited about this one that my mind went blank
Veronica: cartoon titties, undying love for Archie
Valium: dreams, starlight, bubble bath kitten paws and the laid-back musical stylings of Maroon 5
Vicodin: everything above except in total blackness
Val Kilmer: who?
Valtrex: suppression
Vioxx: chocolate cardiac arrest
W:
Wonder Woman: lasso of truth, themyscirean tiara sweat, a million manhoods reached watching Lynda Carter
Widow: tears drying on cash from workers' compensation settlement, rapidly fading facial bruises, the dust blown off of makeup kit
Winter: Jack Frost nipping at amaretto and nog, trying desparately to make the pain go away
Walt Disney: sun-dried vomit on costume fur, a roomful of retired microphones ruined by Robin Williams's spittle, computer-generated Governor of Florida, and artificial sweetener
Working Girl: greasy baby formula money and the faintest hint of blood on latex
Womanizer: more perfume than cologne, the proud stink of three-day-old sex, 7 Durex flavors, and a dash of Binaca
Washington, DC: a delightful bouquet of Working Girl, Congressman, Snowman, and Trash
X
Xenophobia: composed entirely of strangers, the eyeballs of people you've never known, the fingers of people you'll never see
Xena: the biceps of a Norse butcher, mildly suggestive pleather, and the bruised asses of the gods
XXX: the removed and crushed to a pulp 'nads of Vin Diesel's agent, and hazelnut
X: MDMA
X: a time machine that will allow me to travel back and sabotage the invention of the letter "X"
X: a petition encouraging you to act today to include the letter X in more words
Y:
Youth Minister: the pure theatre odor of sweat through stage makeup, remnants of virgin blood, diamond crucifix dust, a wave of euphoria from too much oxygen pumped through stadium vents, the absolute corruption of making 10,000 hands sway in unison
Yorick: the lips I kissed I know not how oft
Yiddish: 15 words for penis
Yes Man: hemhorroid lip gloss and no soul to speak of
Yellow: Coldplay's rain and tears in the sand. basically banana
You: interactive! insert flavor from personal cream collection for a custom treat
Z:
Zombie: brains!
Zen: it doesn't matter (but if you have to know: triptophan)
Zack Morris: the befuddled scalp of Principal Belding, the heart of AC Slater (trophy), one of Kelly Kapowski's hands and a dark slant on everyone's favorite afterschool program
Zoloft: chocolate balls with little frowny faces etched into them
Zesty Italian: the most unpopular chocolate candy EVER