but inside i'm screaming
but inside i'm screaming, elizabeth flock.
i specifically bought this book because i'm not happy with how i'm living my life. no need to sugarcoat my words, because it is what it is. the title itself is begging me to pick it up and buy it, nevermind i don't recognize the author's name. either way, i'm glad, because wow, this book is crazy, and in the good way.
isabel murphy is admitted to three breezes, a psychiatric hospital after several failed suicidal attempts. her work as a reporter is stressful, her husband is a psychotic who needs help himself, and she's still trying to make her father see her, as a person. nevermind she's reached her golden age of thirty- dad just won't see her. her admission is volunteered, because her usual therapist is not working, and she needs to reorganize her head.
she's very torn between herself during her whole stay; only a mere 1-2months of it. she knows that she needs help because trying to off yourself many times is not normal in a sense, and yet she's not crazy. she's pretty sane, too normal if compared to the rest of the inhabitants of the place. in fact, near the end, a fellow 'friend' from the place said so, that she's normal, and that kind of made her decide that she needs to get out of the place. fast.
the book isn't perfect. at some place, i felt it was too laggy. yes, i get it, you have self-esteem issues, but really? 3/4th of the book? but once i finished it, i understood why. because nobody regains their rational mind in just 2 months, if you've been repressed for almost 20 years. this explains that her whole ordeal is chronic, but it's very mild. i love the setting; psychiatric hospital and crazy fellow inmates. just exactly my cup of tea.
at first i hate isabel; she's disgusted of other patients and considers herself to be superior of others because the rest is certified problematic. she didn't realize that she's pretty screwed herself, to be in the place. heh. it almost felt like denial; she doesn't understand why she's there, she refuses treatment, she refuses to mingle with the rest, she refuses to open up to the respective officials. but once she realizes that she's very capable of getting out, she works hard for it, because she wants to be happy and comfortable in her own skin.
i guess, in the end, it's all up to us to change and fight for what we want. in a way, i understand the way she see things as. in a way, i understand how she became the way she is. always dancing around people, trying to please everyone, and forgetting to put her own wants as the first priority. it's a dog-eat-dog world out there; your life is spent trying to be the best. you forget little things in life. you forget how blue the sky is, how cute a cat is, how blessed a baby is- you just forget, because you're too busy trying to catch that elusive thing we call as success. and being surrounded by the wrong kind of crowd just makes things worse.
but really, how can you measure success? knowledge? money? social contacts? size of your house/car/etc? it's time men realize that life is not only about going forward- it's also about making as much as you can with the present. what's the guarantee that you'll live tomorrow?
this book makes me realize that i live for myself. i need to work hard and be responsible for myself- because otherwise i'll be letting myself down. my mom won't care that i'm not a good doctor- my mom cares that i'm not utilising my talents and advantages where it's due. if i let myself down, that's the ultimate insult i can ever put on myself, and i'm done insulting myself for the past 21 years.
oh, isabel, i do love you. i may not have heard you when you said you weren't perfect... that may be true. but you haven't heard me when i've told you that, no matter what, i love you. i always have. i always will. but isabel... and this is important... this may be the most important thing i've ever said to you. it shouldn't matter what i think. it doesn't matter what i think. you have to love yourself. even if you're a failure. you have to love yourself.