I'm really torn
so mucvh going through my head it's a livejournal night. I went to phoenix with clint since he forgot his books. On the way there he started talking about our wedding and what I would want. i commented that I want a small beach wedding and he basically dismissed that idea completely. and then on the way back hours later he made a comment about how his family wouldn't like that. I'm tired of making everything like that. he always pictured getting married in this one church I never wanted to get married in a church.
I know he thinks we have at times communictation troubles but sometimes it's so frustrating. I don't want handouts. I don't want his parents to think I have nothing. I don't want him to think I can't stand on my own two feet. I might have to work fifty times harder to come up with the money to stay here and get the same grades he would get naturally but I knew that coming into it. I was brought up to work for what I wanted. I was brought up to please other people. and after all the Ryan shit I've learned to please some people less but I still care about what others think. I can't be hurt again. I can't think about the future and only be dissapointed by it. I can't plan ahead and not have that come true. I can't turn into my dad or my mom. I can't live unhappy for the rest of my life. I can't give up all the goals I've ever had to fit what others want.
what if I want to live close to my family. what if I want to move to some state I have no connection with. what if I want to onstantly worry about money just so that I know I'm alive and living. What if I never dreamed of getting married becacuse I only saw it ending in divorce and I don't want that. What if I want a long engagment. what if I wanted to wait for 10 years to get married so that potentially noah would be 18 and I could get him to come to it. what if I want to run away and just go home. what if I have no clue what I actually want rather I know what I don't want. Why should I be punished for wanting to make people happy or for being indecisive. What if it won't make me happy because I know it's not something he wanted to do in the first place yet I still get upset when it never happens. What if everytime I want something I don't want to have to ask straight out for it. What if i constantly don't push for what I want because I'm scared that it won't even happen and then if I tell you that I wanted it and it doesn't happen it hurts even more. What if I only tell things once. How many times do I need to tell you about ryan in order for you to understand it since you still don't. how much should I tell you about my family so that you undedrstand where I come from but you don't form judgements about them. Why do I switch back and forth on so much when I know it doesn't help.
what if I keep getting hurt. What if I'm never happy? will all this make you happy because I feel like that's what my world revolves around. we do things on your schedule not on mine. when things are important to you they are more important in your mind then what I feel is important to me. what if...
I know he thinks we have at times communictation troubles but sometimes it's so frustrating. I don't want handouts. I don't want his parents to think I have nothing. I don't want him to think I can't stand on my own two feet. I might have to work fifty times harder to come up with the money to stay here and get the same grades he would get naturally but I knew that coming into it. I was brought up to work for what I wanted. I was brought up to please other people. and after all the Ryan shit I've learned to please some people less but I still care about what others think. I can't be hurt again. I can't think about the future and only be dissapointed by it. I can't plan ahead and not have that come true. I can't turn into my dad or my mom. I can't live unhappy for the rest of my life. I can't give up all the goals I've ever had to fit what others want.
what if I want to live close to my family. what if I want to move to some state I have no connection with. what if I want to onstantly worry about money just so that I know I'm alive and living. What if I never dreamed of getting married becacuse I only saw it ending in divorce and I don't want that. What if I want a long engagment. what if I wanted to wait for 10 years to get married so that potentially noah would be 18 and I could get him to come to it. what if I want to run away and just go home. what if I have no clue what I actually want rather I know what I don't want. Why should I be punished for wanting to make people happy or for being indecisive. What if it won't make me happy because I know it's not something he wanted to do in the first place yet I still get upset when it never happens. What if everytime I want something I don't want to have to ask straight out for it. What if i constantly don't push for what I want because I'm scared that it won't even happen and then if I tell you that I wanted it and it doesn't happen it hurts even more. What if I only tell things once. How many times do I need to tell you about ryan in order for you to understand it since you still don't. how much should I tell you about my family so that you undedrstand where I come from but you don't form judgements about them. Why do I switch back and forth on so much when I know it doesn't help.
what if I keep getting hurt. What if I'm never happy? will all this make you happy because I feel like that's what my world revolves around. we do things on your schedule not on mine. when things are important to you they are more important in your mind then what I feel is important to me. what if...