(no subject)
well, it was a loooong and hungover day. i'm come to my senses, as it were, and analyzed a lot of shit.
so, i crush....a lot. i get these school boy crushes and let them just devistate me. it all goes back to my childhood and how i never felt good enough for my parents, and growing up a latch key kid, they were never around and as a result, i don't think i ever really felt loved.
that said, amanda was right. i do tend to get these crushes and mill over girls to try and fill this void in my emotional self. like i'm trying to stuff any peg i can grab into a star shaped hole. so, i'll meet the women and think that they are more or less cool, and i get all into them and infatuated. i notice that i tend to build them up in my head to be people they are not. like i never really even get to know these people before i start to raise them on a pedestal. it's an unhealthy thing to do, to say the least, and it leaves a lot of bodies in my wake. i hope that now, as i begin to really see with my own eyes what i've been doing for lo these many years that i can escape falling in the same trap.
that said.....not every relationship i have been in was an attempt to "fill a void" in myself or my life. i think bad timing is why they just fell apart as they did. like with amanda, i truly loved her.....but at the time, i didn't know how to love....and i was still pretty fucking crazy in the head and i needed a lot of help that i was reluctant to get. not that i'm the perfect human now, but i'm doing everything i can to make myself a better person and to break the old cycles. had i met her a few years from now, things might have played out much differently. and with 'the falling star' we just hooked up at the wrong time....not that i didn't care for her, but there were too many things to be dealt with for anything to mesh. and again, had it been several months down the road, things may have been different. now i'm not dwelling on what ifs and couldabeens.....i'm just pointing out that not all my failed relationships were "meaningless attempts to fill a void"....there are a handfull where there was truly chemistry and a strong connection.
i've rambled enough tonight.
so, i crush....a lot. i get these school boy crushes and let them just devistate me. it all goes back to my childhood and how i never felt good enough for my parents, and growing up a latch key kid, they were never around and as a result, i don't think i ever really felt loved.
that said, amanda was right. i do tend to get these crushes and mill over girls to try and fill this void in my emotional self. like i'm trying to stuff any peg i can grab into a star shaped hole. so, i'll meet the women and think that they are more or less cool, and i get all into them and infatuated. i notice that i tend to build them up in my head to be people they are not. like i never really even get to know these people before i start to raise them on a pedestal. it's an unhealthy thing to do, to say the least, and it leaves a lot of bodies in my wake. i hope that now, as i begin to really see with my own eyes what i've been doing for lo these many years that i can escape falling in the same trap.
that said.....not every relationship i have been in was an attempt to "fill a void" in myself or my life. i think bad timing is why they just fell apart as they did. like with amanda, i truly loved her.....but at the time, i didn't know how to love....and i was still pretty fucking crazy in the head and i needed a lot of help that i was reluctant to get. not that i'm the perfect human now, but i'm doing everything i can to make myself a better person and to break the old cycles. had i met her a few years from now, things might have played out much differently. and with 'the falling star' we just hooked up at the wrong time....not that i didn't care for her, but there were too many things to be dealt with for anything to mesh. and again, had it been several months down the road, things may have been different. now i'm not dwelling on what ifs and couldabeens.....i'm just pointing out that not all my failed relationships were "meaningless attempts to fill a void"....there are a handfull where there was truly chemistry and a strong connection.
i've rambled enough tonight.