A look into the past possibility of the future
Dear Sasha,
I watched a movie tonight with my daughter. An innocent enough activity, except there was this boy in the move, he loooked so familiar. It hit me out of nowhere. He looked like Him. He looked like what could have been. He looked the way I had always imagined my son to look from Him. If i'd ever had a son with Him. I never did. But still.
As stupid as it sounds it hurt a little. To get a glimpse of what might have been had things gone differently. It was just starnge is all. And it made me want to talk to Him again. I know I can't. Well, not that I can't, but that I shouldn't.
I always feel guity for talking to Him. Not that Tim ever feels guilty for talking to someone else, knowing how it makes me fell. I guess I just have more respect for him then he does for me. Tim tries to tell me it's "my fault" that he talks to her. In a way it is. I insisted he fix his relationship with her.....when I was told she was nothing more than a family friend. I wasn't told of thier true history until it was too late. If I knew that history I never would have encouraged the relationship. But as e says, it's my fault.
Tim doesn't seem to understand that I have a different connection with Him. Something that will never really break. It isn't the same, and it never will be. But it is still there. He was with me through so much. I feel like if I ever do lose that connection then I will lose all of those memeories attached to that connection. And I never want to forget. It would be disrespectful to the memory of a few people for me to forget and pretend they never existed.
I'm not really sure what to do. I wanted to call him on christmas again. I didn't. I always feel the need to call him on that day, I feel like it would help. Like maybe, just talking to Him about it, will help me get through it all. Maybe we can help each other. Tim wants to help, but he can't, and he can't accept that answer either. I appreciate that he wants to be the one to help, but he wasn't there. He was. He's the only one that can help me through it But as I said, I keep contact to a minimum out of respect.
I hate doing it too. I really wish I could just call Him the way he can call her. I wish I could be friends with Him the way Tim is with her. I hate this double standard. Maybe this is the price I have to pay for everything ive done in the past. If thats so then I guess I'll just have to pay the price and deal with it.
Sephy
I watched a movie tonight with my daughter. An innocent enough activity, except there was this boy in the move, he loooked so familiar. It hit me out of nowhere. He looked like Him. He looked like what could have been. He looked the way I had always imagined my son to look from Him. If i'd ever had a son with Him. I never did. But still.
As stupid as it sounds it hurt a little. To get a glimpse of what might have been had things gone differently. It was just starnge is all. And it made me want to talk to Him again. I know I can't. Well, not that I can't, but that I shouldn't.
I always feel guity for talking to Him. Not that Tim ever feels guilty for talking to someone else, knowing how it makes me fell. I guess I just have more respect for him then he does for me. Tim tries to tell me it's "my fault" that he talks to her. In a way it is. I insisted he fix his relationship with her.....when I was told she was nothing more than a family friend. I wasn't told of thier true history until it was too late. If I knew that history I never would have encouraged the relationship. But as e says, it's my fault.
Tim doesn't seem to understand that I have a different connection with Him. Something that will never really break. It isn't the same, and it never will be. But it is still there. He was with me through so much. I feel like if I ever do lose that connection then I will lose all of those memeories attached to that connection. And I never want to forget. It would be disrespectful to the memory of a few people for me to forget and pretend they never existed.
I'm not really sure what to do. I wanted to call him on christmas again. I didn't. I always feel the need to call him on that day, I feel like it would help. Like maybe, just talking to Him about it, will help me get through it all. Maybe we can help each other. Tim wants to help, but he can't, and he can't accept that answer either. I appreciate that he wants to be the one to help, but he wasn't there. He was. He's the only one that can help me through it But as I said, I keep contact to a minimum out of respect.
I hate doing it too. I really wish I could just call Him the way he can call her. I wish I could be friends with Him the way Tim is with her. I hate this double standard. Maybe this is the price I have to pay for everything ive done in the past. If thats so then I guess I'll just have to pay the price and deal with it.
Sephy