not a fanfic
Yeah, I mostly use this account for fanfic. In fact, this post will probably just disappear into the ether, and in a way that's fine. I just need to get this out.
Tuesday I was in a car accident. I'm fine, not hurt at all except for a little muscle stiffness, and even that is going away. But mentally I'm still reeling. It's like this incredibly monumental thing happened and then life just went on. Which seems fucked up in a way, and good too. Kind of like how it was a beautiful day on the day my dad died last year, and my brain just didn't understand how the world could keep moving when someone has died like that. And I didn't die Tuesday (obviously), didn't even really come close, but still I kept thinking about how this really crazy thing happened, and then there I was at work the next day, and maybe if things had gone differently I wouldn't have been. And I'm thinking to myself, "Why the fuck am I here?" It's good that the world doesn't fall apart every time there's a tragedy or near tragedy. The great sunrise the morning my father died was probably the best tribute to what he would have wanted. Yet, we're left with these really big emotions in these fragile little bodies and I think sometimes I am going to fucking explode. Like my chest isn't big enough for everything that's trying to push it's way out of me and it's all so goddamn painful and beautiful and messy.
I know this isn't original. I'm not sure I've ever had an original thought in my head. But does that really matter right now? I don't know.
All I know is that I'm feeling really confused and uncomfortable right now.
Tuesday I was in a car accident. I'm fine, not hurt at all except for a little muscle stiffness, and even that is going away. But mentally I'm still reeling. It's like this incredibly monumental thing happened and then life just went on. Which seems fucked up in a way, and good too. Kind of like how it was a beautiful day on the day my dad died last year, and my brain just didn't understand how the world could keep moving when someone has died like that. And I didn't die Tuesday (obviously), didn't even really come close, but still I kept thinking about how this really crazy thing happened, and then there I was at work the next day, and maybe if things had gone differently I wouldn't have been. And I'm thinking to myself, "Why the fuck am I here?" It's good that the world doesn't fall apart every time there's a tragedy or near tragedy. The great sunrise the morning my father died was probably the best tribute to what he would have wanted. Yet, we're left with these really big emotions in these fragile little bodies and I think sometimes I am going to fucking explode. Like my chest isn't big enough for everything that's trying to push it's way out of me and it's all so goddamn painful and beautiful and messy.
I know this isn't original. I'm not sure I've ever had an original thought in my head. But does that really matter right now? I don't know.
All I know is that I'm feeling really confused and uncomfortable right now.