Falling Apart (2/3)
Title: Falling Apart (2/3)
Author: burning_arrow
Pairing: Cara/Kahlan
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: smut
Disclaimer: Obviously I don’t own these characters. If I did, don’t you think things would have gone a bit differently? My muse thanks Terry Goodkind and ABC for giving her such good fodder though.
Word Count: 11,939 total (roughly split into equal parts)
Summary: Cara’s surprised by Kahlan’s behavior after Richard leaves Aydindril.
A/N: links to next part at bottom
Two long, fitful weeks passed without Cara being able to get close to Kahlan again. That last night in Cara’s quarters, while pulling on her shawl, the Confessor had stated that she might not be able to see Cara for a while. Yet she had also told Cara that ‘things would work out in the end’. The forced separation had Cara vacillating wildly between hope and despair, anger and sorrow. She kept telling herself that Kahlan had made her no promises, but this thought did little to ease the wait. She ached for Kahlan in ways that made her feel weak, dependent. One moment she assured herself that she could resist Kahlan’s allure, the next she admitted that if Kahlan asked for her, there was little that would stop her from acquiescing. She’d not felt so thoroughly at the mercy of someone else’s whims since she’d been broken. And that comparison was not flattering, she thought darkly.
Complicating matters, Richard insisted on seeing Cara frequently, even as Kahlan avoided her. He wanted her opinions on a variety of matters regarding D’Hara, the Dragon Corp, and the remaining Mord’Sith. And for some bizarre reason he seemed to have missed Cara’s company and was genuinely pleased to see her again, all of which only served to multiply Cara’s misery tenfold. She fervently wished she could rid herself of her own fondness for him. It would’ve made things simpler. Instead, she mustered as best she could, trying to give the Lord Rahl the guidance he needed and deserved. If Richard noticed she behaved in a surlier manner than usual, he made no mention of it. If anything her ill temper and acid tongue seemed to amuse him.
Cara suffered from insane moments of conscience, when she nearly blurted out the truth like some nattering idiot. While Richard had been away, her betrayal had been abstract, but with him present before her, with that affable grin and ridiculous overtures of affection, her treachery was more substantial, weighing heavily on Cara’s thoughts. Yet she held her tongue, telling herself that this was Kahlan’s tale to tell, if it was to be revealed at all. In the deepest part of herself, though, she knew she was a coward. Somehow this brought her more shame than her liaisons with Kahlan ever could.
One morning, Cara’s restless thoughts drove her from her bed before dawn. Nervous energy had her stalking the halls like a trapped lion, snarling scathingly at anyone who dared get underfoot or even looked at her for a moment too long or hard. Fortunately, few guards and servants ventured the castle at this hour, and certainly none of the visiting nobles, so almost all of the palace inhabitants were spared that particular unpleasantness. With no one to vent her frustrations on, she headed for one of the drill yards. Taking her place in front of one of the wooden dummies used for sword practice, she drew her agiels. They whined and sang in her hands, but their usually clarifying pain seemed dull this morning. She hit the dummy hard across the chest area, the sting of the impact reverberating up her arm. She drew her other arm back.
Thwack!
What in Creation was she doing with Kahlan?
Thwack!
Richard loved Kahlan. Kahlan loved Richard. She had no place in that.
Thwack!
What right did the Confessor have to ask this of her?!
Thwack!
Cara’s agiels came down again and again, striking the dummy in ways that would have crippled a man of flesh and bone, yet only left the muscles in her arms smarting. The dummy gazed at her impassively, its wood no worse for wear than before she’d started. None of her thoughts were new, but they raced through her now with a certain urgency. Fatigue started creeping into her joints, but this only enraged her and she delivered even more punishing blows to the dummy. And still the dummy stared back at her, uncaring.
Cara staggered back, arms limp at her side, chest heaving. Then, she threw back her head and laughed. Had anyone passed by at that moment, they might have thought the sound tinged with a hint of madness, but she remained alone in the yard. She’d asked a thousand questions of herself and answered just as many, but there was one that she’d been dancing around for weeks. That question was ‘why?’ Why was she doing this? Why was she risking all, betraying her lord and her friend? Why couldn’t she just walk away? The laugh flew out of her as she finally answered the question.
She loved Kahlan.
She hadn’t intended for it to happen. She’d fought it, denied it, ignored it. Still that weakest of emotions had infected her and turned her inside out. She had to make it stop. That’s all there was to it. Now, if only she knew how.
Footsteps behind her made her whirl about, instinctually drawing up the agiels, ready to strike. The clerk who’d approached her, a skinny little man with a balding head, quailed at the sight, nearly falling backward as he threw his hands out in a defensive posture.
“Forgive me, Mistress Cara. I did not mean to disturb you, but he Mother Confessor wishes to see you.”
Fate, it would seem, would be giving her no time to puzzle out the solution to her problem.
“At this hour?” she remarked sourly. Despite his terror, the clerk gave her a confused look. Only then did she look up. The sun was almost over the palace walls. How long had she been in the drill yard?
“What does she want with me?” she asked harshly, her agiels only dropping a few inches. The clerk appeared as if he might wet himself.
“I’m afraid that she didn’t say, but it seemed urgent,” he managed to squeak out. “She asked that you attend her in her chambers.”
She stared at him coldly before finally sheathing her agiels. “Very well.”
The clerk scampered out of her way as she strode past him. She knew the way and made it very clear that she needed no escort. He split off at the first corridor, an expression of relief painted on his face. She walked the rest of the way alone. She wondered what she would find when she arrived. Would Kahlan honestly be so brazen as to demand Cara’s attentions right under Richard’s nose in broad day light? Cara didn’t think so. Perhaps Kahlan had come to the same conclusion as Cara, that their diversions had to come to an end, and she’d summoned Cara to let her know. Cara hated the way her stomach plummeted at the thought.
Cara passed through the hall to the Mother Confessor’s chamber unhindered. No one waited for her in the ante chamber, so she halted in front of the solid door of the bed chamber, rapping the wood with a gloved knuckle. Kahlan’s voice bid her enter. Taking a deep breath, Cara pushed the door open.
Kahlan stood alone by one of the tall windows, her back to Cara, her lustrous hair cascading down her shoulders and over her crisp white gown. Though her curves disappeared in the folds of the dress, she held her back straight with an easy elegance of which she didn’t even seem to be aware. She glowed in the morning light. Cara’s heart skipped a beat.
“Please, close the door,” said Kahlan, not turning to Cara.
Cara complied uneasily, a strange edge in Kahlan’s tone making the hairs on her neck stand on end.
When the door clicked shut, Kahlan said, “Take off your clothes.”
So much for a quick ending. Cara gawked at Kahlan’s backside. Had she lost all sense? Surely Richard must be about and likely not too far away, if Cara knew the Seeker. Soon the daily routine of the Confessor’s Palace would begin in earnest, and the Mother Confessor’s presence would be expected. They had no time for this.
“Kahlan, this is foolish. We need to talk,” said Cara bluntly.
“Please, Cara. We’ll talk, I promise, but right now I…I need this,” replied Kahlan, stumbling over the last few words. The plea in her voice caught Cara in the gut. Kahlan’s voice was thick with emotion, tinged with something that might have been sadness. As Cara watched, Kahlan’s shoulders dropped an inch and the Confessor seemed to fold ever so slightly into herself. To anyone else, it would likely have been overlooked, barely discernible, but to Cara it looked like defeat.
All thoughts of caution fled her mind. She wanted to go to Kahlan, hold her, make Kahlan tell her what was wrong. Yet the Confessor remained facing the window and she had made it plain she did not want to talk. So Cara did the only thing she could do. With quiet efficiency she stripped off her leathers, draping them over the back of a chair and leaving her smallclothes in a bundle on the seat. When she finished, the morning air chilling her skin, she gave a small cough to let Kahlan know that she was done.
The Confessor shifted, gradually coming to face Cara. Though Kahlan’s expression appeared placid, her eyes were red-rimmed. The color was barely visible, but Cara knew she’d been crying. It was almost enough to distract Cara from the thin strip of metal circling Kahlan’s throat. Cara’s eyes bulged and her breath caught in her throat. She knew what a Rada’Han did to someone like Kahlan. In all their time together, Cara never thought that the Confessor would wear one for this, for her.
Without a word, Kahlan disrobed slowly. Cara could do nothing but stare, her heart pounding in her chest and warmth beginning to grow and pulse low in her belly. Piece by piece, Kahlan’s clothes fell away, revealing a body that Cara had only caught glimpses of before. Now, she admired Kahlan openly. While the Confessor undressed, Kahlan never took her eyes from Cara. Though several paces separated them, Cara felt Kahlan’s gaze like a hand on her skin, creating heat wherever it fell. As the last scrap of cloth fell to the floor, Kahlan’s eyes captured Cara’s, her blue eyes burning with a fierceness that sent shivers of anticipation down Cara’s spine. Cara’s fingers ached to touch the smooth paleness of the Confessor’s body, the creamy expanse broken by only a few freckles. Her mouth felt as dry as a desert.
Kahlan held out a hand to Cara. “Come to bed.”
Cara crossed the space between them quickly, reaching out to take the offered hand. Kahlan’s fingers closed tightly around hers, speaking to Cara of powerful need. The Confessor tried to tug Cara in the direction of the bed, but Cara resisted. Kahlan frowned. Before Kahlan could question her, the Mord’Sith pulled Kahlan toward her. She had wanted to touch Kahlan like this so many times before, wanted to know the feel of her naked body, and she would not be denied now, when Kahlan stood so close. Cara moaned as Kahlan’s body pressed into her, soft skin and supple breasts meeting her own. Holding Kahlan’s hand to her chest with one hand, she circled Kahlan’s waist with the other, drawing the Confessor closer. A soft sigh escaped Kahlan’s lips in response.
Kahlan’s mouth descended on hers, her tongue forcing its way past Cara’s lips. Cara surged up into the kiss, matching Kahlan’s aggressiveness with rough swipes of her tongue, her hand sliding over Kahlan’s chest and up into the hair at the nape of Kahlan’s neck. Her other hand dropped from Kahlan’s waist to the curve of her buttocks, cupping it. She tugged Kahlan in tighter against her, grinding herself on Kahlan’s mound. Kahlan gasped at the pressure. Cara felt as if she were melting from the inside out. Now that she had permission to touch Kahlan, she didn’t think she could ever stop. Kahlan’s hands palmed her breasts, her finger’s twisting Cara’s nipples into hard, sensitive points. Cara groaned appreciatively.
Cara used her hands and mouth to explore Kahlan’s body, sinking into the sensation completely. Kahlan conducted her own forays across Cara’s skin with equal fervor. Soon, they were breathless and trembling in each other’s arms. Cara’s lips felt bruised and swollen as she placed open-mouthed kisses along the column of Kahlan’s neck. Kahlan leaned heavily on Cara, as if her legs were having trouble holding her up. Kahlan whimpered quietly as Cara lavished more kisses on her collarbone and shoulder.
“Cara, please,” whispered Kahlan.
Heat surged through Cara at the begging tone of Kahlan’s voice. Blindly, her mouth never leaving Kahlan’s skin, she half guided, half carried Kahlan toward the bed. They fell into the bed together. Somehow Kahlan came up on top, kneeling over Cara with a leg on either side of one of Cara’s thighs. Gently, Kahlan lowered herself onto Cara. Cara moaned loudly as Kahlan’s sex pressed into her thigh, the Confessor’s arousal slicking her skin. Kahlan let out her own groan as she rocked her hips against Cara’s leg. Molten desire poured through Cara as she watched Kahlan lose herself in the sensations the friction caused.
“Spirits, Cara. I’ve wanted this for so long,” gasped out Kahlan as Cara pushed her leg up, increasing the pressure. Cara’s fingers dug into Kahlan’s hips.
Cara wanted to ask why they hadn’t done this before, why Kahlan hadn’t let her touch the Confessor until now, but she couldn’t form words as Kahlan bore down on her thigh. For two months, she’d been denied the pleasure of Kahlan’s body. The feel of her now overwhelmed Cara’s senses. Yet it wasn’t enough. She wanted more, so much more.
Growling, Cara heaved herself up, rolling Kahlan onto her back and reversing their positions. On hands and knees, Cara paused for a moment, drinking in the sight of Kahlan underneath her, Kahlan’s breasts quaking with every rough breath, the Confessor’s blue eyes darkening to a shade of indigo as she gazed at Cara through half-closed lashes. Cara licked her lips. There were so many things she wanted to do at that moment, it almost paralyzed her. Then, Kahlan’s hands tangled in her hair, and Cara plunged into the kiss, her body sinking down on top of Kahlan. Kahlan arched against her, straining to guide Cara’s thigh where she wanted it, but Cara had other ideas.
Grabbing hold of Kahlan’s wrists with her hands, Cara stretched her arms up over Kahlan’s head. A quick shift of her hands, and she had Kahlan’s hands pinned beneath one of her own. Kahlan’s eyes widened as she realized what Cara was doing. The Mord’Sith smirked down at the Kahlan.
“Turnabout’s fair play, Kahlan,” she said blithely.
For a moment, indignation flared in the Confessor’s eyes, but Cara kneaded one of Kahlan’s breasts until she had Kahlan mewling and twisting underneath her, her wrath forgotten. Her hand worked its way down Kahlan’s body, scraping fingers across ribs and stomach and hipbone. As she lightly brushed the top of Kahlan’s curls with her fingertips, the Confessor shuddered. Cara savored the way Kahlan opened her legs a little wider without even seeming to know she’d done it. She caught Kahlan’s eyes, wanting to see Kahlan’s expression when her fingers finally made contact. Kahlan bit her lip, as if she knew what Cara was thinking. Cara’s fingers slipped between Kahlan’s wet folds, and the Confessor let out a choked gasp, her eyes huge.
Cara set a languid rhythm, stroking Kahlan with steady, even motions. She may have teased Kahlan about reciprocation, even going so far as to mimic their positions on the first day Kahlan had taken her, but that was where the comparison ended. That first day had been desperate and fast. Cara wanted this to last. She wanted to linger over every sound, every smell. Kahlan panted as Cara added a little more pressure to her touch, yet the Confessor’s gaze never wavered, her eyes locked onto Cara’s. Cara nearly gasped at the emotions playing across Kahlan’s face. Cara’s blood thrummed inside of her, her chest expanding.
Cara’s fingers dipped lower, playing at Kahlan’s entrance, before rising again to resume their lazy circling. Kahlan’s hips jerked hungrily, silently begging. Cara tightened her grip on Kahlan’s wrists, a smile spreading across her face. Then, she pushed inside Kahlan firmly with two fingers. With a deep moan, Kahlan’s head fell back, finally breaking eye contact as her eyes squeezed shut. Heady sensations filled Cara as Kahlan’s silky heat closed around her fingers. Her own sex throbbed and ached, but it was the roaring beat of her heart that captured her attention and sharpened her focus. Gently at first, then with increasing speed, her fingers worked inside of Kahlan, coaxing wanton sounds from the Confessor. With each thrust she poured her emotions into Kahlan, needing to put into action what she could not yet say in words. Kahlan writhed underneath Cara, the muscles in her arms flexing as if she wanted to free herself from Cara’s grasp, yet her sharp cries of pleasure rose in pitch as Cara’s thumb found her clit.
Though she touched Kahlan, Cara struggled to breathe, as if she were the one being touched. She’d never felt this way before. Kahlan was giving herself to Cara, and Cara yearned to be worthy of it. She knew in that instant that she’d do anything for Kahlan. With that thought in her mind, she brought Kahlan to the edge of her climax and sent her plummeting over. Kahlan screamed Cara’s name and Cara flushed with pride and love. The Confessor’s eyes flew open, her blue eyes swirling black. Her body went rigid as her magic flooded out of her, only to be rebuffed by the Rada’Han. Kahlan’s inner walls clamped down on Cara’s fingers, and together they rode out Kahlan’s contractions. Eventually the spasms receded and Kahlan’s eyes faded back to clear blue. Her body fell slack. Cara gently withdrew her fingers, and Kahlan shuddered once more. The Mord’Sith uncurled her other hand, freeing Kahlan’s wrists.
Kahlan brought her hand to Cara’s face, gently running a thumb over Cara’s lower lip. The Confessor’s eyes sparkled.
“Thank you,” Kahlan whispered.
Cara couldn’t respond, her words caught in her throat. She had come here to end this, but instead had fallen deeper into Kahlan. She might have regretted it, had it not been for the light in Kahlan’s eyes. For once, Cara was certain that this meant as much to Kahlan as it did to her.
“Cara, I-“ began Kahlan, about to give voice to what both of them felt.
Cara cut her off with a kiss. She knew what this was between them now, but it felt too soon, too scary to name it aloud just yet.
“I know,” Cara said simply when she broke away a moment later.
Kahlan looked as if she might insist on saying more, but then her lips quirked into a small smile and she nodded. Cara sighed in relief.
“So, what do we do now?” asked the Confessor as Cara settled onto the bed. They lay facing each other, Cara’s hand resting on Kahlan’s hip. Kahlan’s fingers traced aimless, wandering patterns over Cara’s collarbone. The question surprised Cara. Kahlan had always taken the lead to the point where Cara had almost forgotten that she might have a say in what came next.
Cara furrowed her brow, considering the question. That Kahlan cared for her changed everything and nothing at all. There was still Richard, and whatever feelings Kahlan may still have for him. And his feelings for Kahlan. Cara’s stomach lurched with a twinge of guilt, a sensation she was becoming all too familiar with over the past weeks. The whole situation seemed almost too messy to contemplate.
So, she responded to the question with one of her own - one that she did not want to ask, but which needed to be answered. “What of Richard?”
Kahlan’s face darkened at the mention of the Seeker’s name. A faint glassiness in her eyes made Cara think that the Confessor might cry again, but Kahlan’s jaw tightened slightly. Her expression held not anger, but the firmness of one meeting an unpleasant truth with resolve.
“Kahlan, what’s wrong?” asked Cara, her heart sinking.
“Richard left this morning, before dawn,” replied Kahlan softly.
“But, I don’t understand. Why would he leave? Why didn’t he tell me? When will he be back?” Cara’s words tumbled out of her while her insides twisted themselves in knots. Her brain struggled to catch up with what her gut already knew.
“Richard won’t be returning to Aydindril,” said Kahlan, answering only Cara’s last question. She uttered the words evenly, but her voice held a hint of strain.
Suddenly Cara understood. Kahlan had told Richard about them.
“It’s my fault,” Cara said flatly.
“No, Cara, the fault is mine.” Kahlan’s tone was rich with compassion that was no doubt meant to be comforting to Cara. The Confessor laid a sympathetic hand on Cara’s shoulder.
Actions intended to be soothing had the opposite effect instead. With a frantic energy Cara bolted out of the bed, reaching for her clothes. She had to talk to Richard, she had to explain. Her thoughts raced wildly. Perhaps she could catch him before the day was out. And then what? What could she say to the man who had counted her as a friend and who she had betrayed by sullying the purest relationship he had ever known? The thought stopped her halfway across the carpet. Richard already knew and he’d left. It had been no mistake that she’d had no word of his departure. He hadn’t wanted her to know. The Lord Rahl had abandoned her.
Cara’s knees buckled and she slumped to the floor, staring aimlessly, her eyes unfocused. Something shattered inside of her. It wasn’t her heart. Kahlan held that firmly in her hand. If Cara had been able to put it into words, she would have said it was her identity that was breaking. Perhaps it was an identity that had been carved for her out of her own blood and pain, but it was one she had come to embrace. She was Mord’Sith. Since childhood, she’d served the Lord Rahl, whoever that may be. It was her world. Kahlan had been the first thing, the only thing that Cara had wanted outside of that life, and now, because of that one desire, her whole existence had been irrevocably altered. It seemed a cruel trade - her love for the only life she’d known - and she hadn’t even realized she’d made that bargain before it was done and over with.
Cara laughed bitterly as her reeling mind dragged other ugly truths into the harsh light of day. From the start she’d lied to herself, letting herself believe that all that lay between her and Kahlan was a simple game of seduction. She’d convinced herself that Kahlan was as corrupt and tainted as any other royal Cara had met before. Half a lifetime servicing Darken Rahl’s every need had made her cynical. She’d belittled what Kahlan offered her, and in doing so had recklessly underestimated its power.
For Kahlan never did things in half measures. She was no pampered courtesan indulging in a trifling, insubstantial bout of lust. From the start, the Confessor must have known what had driven her to infidelity. Kahlan was nothing if not honest. Cara had been the coward. She’d had so little faith in what these encounters between she and Kahlan meant, that she hadn’t even been able to name her own feelings until a few short hours ago. That Kahlan would choose her, not abandon her at the merest sign of trouble, seemed impossible. Some part of her truly thought that in the end, Kahlan would either return to Richard in full, or that she and the Confessor would continue on as they had, snatching moments alone in the shadows. But Kahlan had done the unthinkable. She’d dared to love Cara. And she’d told Richard.
And because of that the Lord Rahl was lost to Cara.
If she hadn’t already been on her knees, she might have collapsed under the weight of her emotions. Guilt and sorrow tore at the fragile beginnings of her love for Kahlan like a fierce wind, threatening to uproot what had just been planted. A deep pit opened inside of her, and she thought she might disappear into it without a sound.
Then, Kahlan touched her shoulder. Cara’s head jerked up. Kahlan knelt in front of her, her own expression laced with pain, yet her eyes gleamed with a sort of peaceful resignation and even a glimmer of hope. Her hand drifted from Cara’s shoulder to her cheek, her thumb circling lightly over Cara’s cheekbone. Cara leaned into the touch with the desperation of a drowning man reaching for an extended branch.
“I’m sorry, Cara,” Kahlan said quietly. “I know I should have told you right away. There’s so much I need to explain to you. But I was selfish. I needed you with me this morning. Perhaps, I shouldn’t have told Richard at all without you here, without you knowing. But I couldn’t lie to him anymore. I owed him at least that much. I hope you’ll forgive me, one day.”
Cara’s eyes burned, tears leaking from her eyes and carving twin hot paths down her cheeks. She swayed back, swiping roughly at her face and clearing her throat. Kahlan was asking her for forgiveness? It made no sense. If anyone could give either of them absolution, it was Richard. Wasn’t it?
Kahlan stared at Cara silently, her blue eyes asking for understanding. All at once, Cara was struck by Kahlan’s beauty, despite the lines of worry marring her face. She’d always found Kahlan attractive, the power and grace of the Confessor alluring. Yet here, now, with Kahlan so vulnerable, simply a woman seeking comfort from her lover, she seemed more beautiful to Cara than she ever had before. Cara’s heart caught in her throat. She wanted to trust this more than anything. She wanted to lose herself in Kahlan.
Yet she didn’t know how to build a life on the wreckage of her betrayal. Cara could feel her world crumbling around her. Who was she if she was no longer Mord’Sith, if she did not serve the Lord Rahl?
“I’ll understand if you need to go to him,” Kahlan said meekly, a tone that Cara had never heard the Confessor use before. “He seemed more sad than angry when he left. And this is Richard after all. He can be quite forgiving.”
Cara could tell that the Confessor meant her words, but she doubted that her penance would come so easily. Even Richard’s kindness had its limits. And then there were Kahlan’s eyes, pleading with Cara to stay even as her words freed her to leave. Cara wanted to reassure Kahlan, make promises that would wipe the worry from Kahlan’s expression, but she found she couldn’t. Spirits, she loved Kahlan. Her heart felt as if it would burst from that love. But that love had laid waste to the rest of her world.
“I need time,” said Cara roughly.
She pushed herself from the floor, refusing Kahlan’s assistance. Kahlan remained silent as Cara dressed in the leathers that seemed to burn where they touched her skin. She couldn’t lift her face to look at Kahlan. Her chest ached as she made her way to the door. She kept her eyes straight ahead, knowing that if she looked back, she wouldn’t be able to leave the room. At the doorway, she paused, leaning on one shaking arm for support.
“I just need time,” she repeated, offering Kahlan what little comfort she could. Then, she stumbled out of the room, pretending that she could not hear Kahlan’s sob behind her.
Part 3
Author: burning_arrow
Pairing: Cara/Kahlan
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: smut
Disclaimer: Obviously I don’t own these characters. If I did, don’t you think things would have gone a bit differently? My muse thanks Terry Goodkind and ABC for giving her such good fodder though.
Word Count: 11,939 total (roughly split into equal parts)
Summary: Cara’s surprised by Kahlan’s behavior after Richard leaves Aydindril.
A/N: links to next part at bottom
Two long, fitful weeks passed without Cara being able to get close to Kahlan again. That last night in Cara’s quarters, while pulling on her shawl, the Confessor had stated that she might not be able to see Cara for a while. Yet she had also told Cara that ‘things would work out in the end’. The forced separation had Cara vacillating wildly between hope and despair, anger and sorrow. She kept telling herself that Kahlan had made her no promises, but this thought did little to ease the wait. She ached for Kahlan in ways that made her feel weak, dependent. One moment she assured herself that she could resist Kahlan’s allure, the next she admitted that if Kahlan asked for her, there was little that would stop her from acquiescing. She’d not felt so thoroughly at the mercy of someone else’s whims since she’d been broken. And that comparison was not flattering, she thought darkly.
Complicating matters, Richard insisted on seeing Cara frequently, even as Kahlan avoided her. He wanted her opinions on a variety of matters regarding D’Hara, the Dragon Corp, and the remaining Mord’Sith. And for some bizarre reason he seemed to have missed Cara’s company and was genuinely pleased to see her again, all of which only served to multiply Cara’s misery tenfold. She fervently wished she could rid herself of her own fondness for him. It would’ve made things simpler. Instead, she mustered as best she could, trying to give the Lord Rahl the guidance he needed and deserved. If Richard noticed she behaved in a surlier manner than usual, he made no mention of it. If anything her ill temper and acid tongue seemed to amuse him.
Cara suffered from insane moments of conscience, when she nearly blurted out the truth like some nattering idiot. While Richard had been away, her betrayal had been abstract, but with him present before her, with that affable grin and ridiculous overtures of affection, her treachery was more substantial, weighing heavily on Cara’s thoughts. Yet she held her tongue, telling herself that this was Kahlan’s tale to tell, if it was to be revealed at all. In the deepest part of herself, though, she knew she was a coward. Somehow this brought her more shame than her liaisons with Kahlan ever could.
One morning, Cara’s restless thoughts drove her from her bed before dawn. Nervous energy had her stalking the halls like a trapped lion, snarling scathingly at anyone who dared get underfoot or even looked at her for a moment too long or hard. Fortunately, few guards and servants ventured the castle at this hour, and certainly none of the visiting nobles, so almost all of the palace inhabitants were spared that particular unpleasantness. With no one to vent her frustrations on, she headed for one of the drill yards. Taking her place in front of one of the wooden dummies used for sword practice, she drew her agiels. They whined and sang in her hands, but their usually clarifying pain seemed dull this morning. She hit the dummy hard across the chest area, the sting of the impact reverberating up her arm. She drew her other arm back.
Thwack!
What in Creation was she doing with Kahlan?
Thwack!
Richard loved Kahlan. Kahlan loved Richard. She had no place in that.
Thwack!
What right did the Confessor have to ask this of her?!
Thwack!
Cara’s agiels came down again and again, striking the dummy in ways that would have crippled a man of flesh and bone, yet only left the muscles in her arms smarting. The dummy gazed at her impassively, its wood no worse for wear than before she’d started. None of her thoughts were new, but they raced through her now with a certain urgency. Fatigue started creeping into her joints, but this only enraged her and she delivered even more punishing blows to the dummy. And still the dummy stared back at her, uncaring.
Cara staggered back, arms limp at her side, chest heaving. Then, she threw back her head and laughed. Had anyone passed by at that moment, they might have thought the sound tinged with a hint of madness, but she remained alone in the yard. She’d asked a thousand questions of herself and answered just as many, but there was one that she’d been dancing around for weeks. That question was ‘why?’ Why was she doing this? Why was she risking all, betraying her lord and her friend? Why couldn’t she just walk away? The laugh flew out of her as she finally answered the question.
She loved Kahlan.
She hadn’t intended for it to happen. She’d fought it, denied it, ignored it. Still that weakest of emotions had infected her and turned her inside out. She had to make it stop. That’s all there was to it. Now, if only she knew how.
Footsteps behind her made her whirl about, instinctually drawing up the agiels, ready to strike. The clerk who’d approached her, a skinny little man with a balding head, quailed at the sight, nearly falling backward as he threw his hands out in a defensive posture.
“Forgive me, Mistress Cara. I did not mean to disturb you, but he Mother Confessor wishes to see you.”
Fate, it would seem, would be giving her no time to puzzle out the solution to her problem.
“At this hour?” she remarked sourly. Despite his terror, the clerk gave her a confused look. Only then did she look up. The sun was almost over the palace walls. How long had she been in the drill yard?
“What does she want with me?” she asked harshly, her agiels only dropping a few inches. The clerk appeared as if he might wet himself.
“I’m afraid that she didn’t say, but it seemed urgent,” he managed to squeak out. “She asked that you attend her in her chambers.”
She stared at him coldly before finally sheathing her agiels. “Very well.”
The clerk scampered out of her way as she strode past him. She knew the way and made it very clear that she needed no escort. He split off at the first corridor, an expression of relief painted on his face. She walked the rest of the way alone. She wondered what she would find when she arrived. Would Kahlan honestly be so brazen as to demand Cara’s attentions right under Richard’s nose in broad day light? Cara didn’t think so. Perhaps Kahlan had come to the same conclusion as Cara, that their diversions had to come to an end, and she’d summoned Cara to let her know. Cara hated the way her stomach plummeted at the thought.
Cara passed through the hall to the Mother Confessor’s chamber unhindered. No one waited for her in the ante chamber, so she halted in front of the solid door of the bed chamber, rapping the wood with a gloved knuckle. Kahlan’s voice bid her enter. Taking a deep breath, Cara pushed the door open.
Kahlan stood alone by one of the tall windows, her back to Cara, her lustrous hair cascading down her shoulders and over her crisp white gown. Though her curves disappeared in the folds of the dress, she held her back straight with an easy elegance of which she didn’t even seem to be aware. She glowed in the morning light. Cara’s heart skipped a beat.
“Please, close the door,” said Kahlan, not turning to Cara.
Cara complied uneasily, a strange edge in Kahlan’s tone making the hairs on her neck stand on end.
When the door clicked shut, Kahlan said, “Take off your clothes.”
So much for a quick ending. Cara gawked at Kahlan’s backside. Had she lost all sense? Surely Richard must be about and likely not too far away, if Cara knew the Seeker. Soon the daily routine of the Confessor’s Palace would begin in earnest, and the Mother Confessor’s presence would be expected. They had no time for this.
“Kahlan, this is foolish. We need to talk,” said Cara bluntly.
“Please, Cara. We’ll talk, I promise, but right now I…I need this,” replied Kahlan, stumbling over the last few words. The plea in her voice caught Cara in the gut. Kahlan’s voice was thick with emotion, tinged with something that might have been sadness. As Cara watched, Kahlan’s shoulders dropped an inch and the Confessor seemed to fold ever so slightly into herself. To anyone else, it would likely have been overlooked, barely discernible, but to Cara it looked like defeat.
All thoughts of caution fled her mind. She wanted to go to Kahlan, hold her, make Kahlan tell her what was wrong. Yet the Confessor remained facing the window and she had made it plain she did not want to talk. So Cara did the only thing she could do. With quiet efficiency she stripped off her leathers, draping them over the back of a chair and leaving her smallclothes in a bundle on the seat. When she finished, the morning air chilling her skin, she gave a small cough to let Kahlan know that she was done.
The Confessor shifted, gradually coming to face Cara. Though Kahlan’s expression appeared placid, her eyes were red-rimmed. The color was barely visible, but Cara knew she’d been crying. It was almost enough to distract Cara from the thin strip of metal circling Kahlan’s throat. Cara’s eyes bulged and her breath caught in her throat. She knew what a Rada’Han did to someone like Kahlan. In all their time together, Cara never thought that the Confessor would wear one for this, for her.
Without a word, Kahlan disrobed slowly. Cara could do nothing but stare, her heart pounding in her chest and warmth beginning to grow and pulse low in her belly. Piece by piece, Kahlan’s clothes fell away, revealing a body that Cara had only caught glimpses of before. Now, she admired Kahlan openly. While the Confessor undressed, Kahlan never took her eyes from Cara. Though several paces separated them, Cara felt Kahlan’s gaze like a hand on her skin, creating heat wherever it fell. As the last scrap of cloth fell to the floor, Kahlan’s eyes captured Cara’s, her blue eyes burning with a fierceness that sent shivers of anticipation down Cara’s spine. Cara’s fingers ached to touch the smooth paleness of the Confessor’s body, the creamy expanse broken by only a few freckles. Her mouth felt as dry as a desert.
Kahlan held out a hand to Cara. “Come to bed.”
Cara crossed the space between them quickly, reaching out to take the offered hand. Kahlan’s fingers closed tightly around hers, speaking to Cara of powerful need. The Confessor tried to tug Cara in the direction of the bed, but Cara resisted. Kahlan frowned. Before Kahlan could question her, the Mord’Sith pulled Kahlan toward her. She had wanted to touch Kahlan like this so many times before, wanted to know the feel of her naked body, and she would not be denied now, when Kahlan stood so close. Cara moaned as Kahlan’s body pressed into her, soft skin and supple breasts meeting her own. Holding Kahlan’s hand to her chest with one hand, she circled Kahlan’s waist with the other, drawing the Confessor closer. A soft sigh escaped Kahlan’s lips in response.
Kahlan’s mouth descended on hers, her tongue forcing its way past Cara’s lips. Cara surged up into the kiss, matching Kahlan’s aggressiveness with rough swipes of her tongue, her hand sliding over Kahlan’s chest and up into the hair at the nape of Kahlan’s neck. Her other hand dropped from Kahlan’s waist to the curve of her buttocks, cupping it. She tugged Kahlan in tighter against her, grinding herself on Kahlan’s mound. Kahlan gasped at the pressure. Cara felt as if she were melting from the inside out. Now that she had permission to touch Kahlan, she didn’t think she could ever stop. Kahlan’s hands palmed her breasts, her finger’s twisting Cara’s nipples into hard, sensitive points. Cara groaned appreciatively.
Cara used her hands and mouth to explore Kahlan’s body, sinking into the sensation completely. Kahlan conducted her own forays across Cara’s skin with equal fervor. Soon, they were breathless and trembling in each other’s arms. Cara’s lips felt bruised and swollen as she placed open-mouthed kisses along the column of Kahlan’s neck. Kahlan leaned heavily on Cara, as if her legs were having trouble holding her up. Kahlan whimpered quietly as Cara lavished more kisses on her collarbone and shoulder.
“Cara, please,” whispered Kahlan.
Heat surged through Cara at the begging tone of Kahlan’s voice. Blindly, her mouth never leaving Kahlan’s skin, she half guided, half carried Kahlan toward the bed. They fell into the bed together. Somehow Kahlan came up on top, kneeling over Cara with a leg on either side of one of Cara’s thighs. Gently, Kahlan lowered herself onto Cara. Cara moaned loudly as Kahlan’s sex pressed into her thigh, the Confessor’s arousal slicking her skin. Kahlan let out her own groan as she rocked her hips against Cara’s leg. Molten desire poured through Cara as she watched Kahlan lose herself in the sensations the friction caused.
“Spirits, Cara. I’ve wanted this for so long,” gasped out Kahlan as Cara pushed her leg up, increasing the pressure. Cara’s fingers dug into Kahlan’s hips.
Cara wanted to ask why they hadn’t done this before, why Kahlan hadn’t let her touch the Confessor until now, but she couldn’t form words as Kahlan bore down on her thigh. For two months, she’d been denied the pleasure of Kahlan’s body. The feel of her now overwhelmed Cara’s senses. Yet it wasn’t enough. She wanted more, so much more.
Growling, Cara heaved herself up, rolling Kahlan onto her back and reversing their positions. On hands and knees, Cara paused for a moment, drinking in the sight of Kahlan underneath her, Kahlan’s breasts quaking with every rough breath, the Confessor’s blue eyes darkening to a shade of indigo as she gazed at Cara through half-closed lashes. Cara licked her lips. There were so many things she wanted to do at that moment, it almost paralyzed her. Then, Kahlan’s hands tangled in her hair, and Cara plunged into the kiss, her body sinking down on top of Kahlan. Kahlan arched against her, straining to guide Cara’s thigh where she wanted it, but Cara had other ideas.
Grabbing hold of Kahlan’s wrists with her hands, Cara stretched her arms up over Kahlan’s head. A quick shift of her hands, and she had Kahlan’s hands pinned beneath one of her own. Kahlan’s eyes widened as she realized what Cara was doing. The Mord’Sith smirked down at the Kahlan.
“Turnabout’s fair play, Kahlan,” she said blithely.
For a moment, indignation flared in the Confessor’s eyes, but Cara kneaded one of Kahlan’s breasts until she had Kahlan mewling and twisting underneath her, her wrath forgotten. Her hand worked its way down Kahlan’s body, scraping fingers across ribs and stomach and hipbone. As she lightly brushed the top of Kahlan’s curls with her fingertips, the Confessor shuddered. Cara savored the way Kahlan opened her legs a little wider without even seeming to know she’d done it. She caught Kahlan’s eyes, wanting to see Kahlan’s expression when her fingers finally made contact. Kahlan bit her lip, as if she knew what Cara was thinking. Cara’s fingers slipped between Kahlan’s wet folds, and the Confessor let out a choked gasp, her eyes huge.
Cara set a languid rhythm, stroking Kahlan with steady, even motions. She may have teased Kahlan about reciprocation, even going so far as to mimic their positions on the first day Kahlan had taken her, but that was where the comparison ended. That first day had been desperate and fast. Cara wanted this to last. She wanted to linger over every sound, every smell. Kahlan panted as Cara added a little more pressure to her touch, yet the Confessor’s gaze never wavered, her eyes locked onto Cara’s. Cara nearly gasped at the emotions playing across Kahlan’s face. Cara’s blood thrummed inside of her, her chest expanding.
Cara’s fingers dipped lower, playing at Kahlan’s entrance, before rising again to resume their lazy circling. Kahlan’s hips jerked hungrily, silently begging. Cara tightened her grip on Kahlan’s wrists, a smile spreading across her face. Then, she pushed inside Kahlan firmly with two fingers. With a deep moan, Kahlan’s head fell back, finally breaking eye contact as her eyes squeezed shut. Heady sensations filled Cara as Kahlan’s silky heat closed around her fingers. Her own sex throbbed and ached, but it was the roaring beat of her heart that captured her attention and sharpened her focus. Gently at first, then with increasing speed, her fingers worked inside of Kahlan, coaxing wanton sounds from the Confessor. With each thrust she poured her emotions into Kahlan, needing to put into action what she could not yet say in words. Kahlan writhed underneath Cara, the muscles in her arms flexing as if she wanted to free herself from Cara’s grasp, yet her sharp cries of pleasure rose in pitch as Cara’s thumb found her clit.
Though she touched Kahlan, Cara struggled to breathe, as if she were the one being touched. She’d never felt this way before. Kahlan was giving herself to Cara, and Cara yearned to be worthy of it. She knew in that instant that she’d do anything for Kahlan. With that thought in her mind, she brought Kahlan to the edge of her climax and sent her plummeting over. Kahlan screamed Cara’s name and Cara flushed with pride and love. The Confessor’s eyes flew open, her blue eyes swirling black. Her body went rigid as her magic flooded out of her, only to be rebuffed by the Rada’Han. Kahlan’s inner walls clamped down on Cara’s fingers, and together they rode out Kahlan’s contractions. Eventually the spasms receded and Kahlan’s eyes faded back to clear blue. Her body fell slack. Cara gently withdrew her fingers, and Kahlan shuddered once more. The Mord’Sith uncurled her other hand, freeing Kahlan’s wrists.
Kahlan brought her hand to Cara’s face, gently running a thumb over Cara’s lower lip. The Confessor’s eyes sparkled.
“Thank you,” Kahlan whispered.
Cara couldn’t respond, her words caught in her throat. She had come here to end this, but instead had fallen deeper into Kahlan. She might have regretted it, had it not been for the light in Kahlan’s eyes. For once, Cara was certain that this meant as much to Kahlan as it did to her.
“Cara, I-“ began Kahlan, about to give voice to what both of them felt.
Cara cut her off with a kiss. She knew what this was between them now, but it felt too soon, too scary to name it aloud just yet.
“I know,” Cara said simply when she broke away a moment later.
Kahlan looked as if she might insist on saying more, but then her lips quirked into a small smile and she nodded. Cara sighed in relief.
“So, what do we do now?” asked the Confessor as Cara settled onto the bed. They lay facing each other, Cara’s hand resting on Kahlan’s hip. Kahlan’s fingers traced aimless, wandering patterns over Cara’s collarbone. The question surprised Cara. Kahlan had always taken the lead to the point where Cara had almost forgotten that she might have a say in what came next.
Cara furrowed her brow, considering the question. That Kahlan cared for her changed everything and nothing at all. There was still Richard, and whatever feelings Kahlan may still have for him. And his feelings for Kahlan. Cara’s stomach lurched with a twinge of guilt, a sensation she was becoming all too familiar with over the past weeks. The whole situation seemed almost too messy to contemplate.
So, she responded to the question with one of her own - one that she did not want to ask, but which needed to be answered. “What of Richard?”
Kahlan’s face darkened at the mention of the Seeker’s name. A faint glassiness in her eyes made Cara think that the Confessor might cry again, but Kahlan’s jaw tightened slightly. Her expression held not anger, but the firmness of one meeting an unpleasant truth with resolve.
“Kahlan, what’s wrong?” asked Cara, her heart sinking.
“Richard left this morning, before dawn,” replied Kahlan softly.
“But, I don’t understand. Why would he leave? Why didn’t he tell me? When will he be back?” Cara’s words tumbled out of her while her insides twisted themselves in knots. Her brain struggled to catch up with what her gut already knew.
“Richard won’t be returning to Aydindril,” said Kahlan, answering only Cara’s last question. She uttered the words evenly, but her voice held a hint of strain.
Suddenly Cara understood. Kahlan had told Richard about them.
“It’s my fault,” Cara said flatly.
“No, Cara, the fault is mine.” Kahlan’s tone was rich with compassion that was no doubt meant to be comforting to Cara. The Confessor laid a sympathetic hand on Cara’s shoulder.
Actions intended to be soothing had the opposite effect instead. With a frantic energy Cara bolted out of the bed, reaching for her clothes. She had to talk to Richard, she had to explain. Her thoughts raced wildly. Perhaps she could catch him before the day was out. And then what? What could she say to the man who had counted her as a friend and who she had betrayed by sullying the purest relationship he had ever known? The thought stopped her halfway across the carpet. Richard already knew and he’d left. It had been no mistake that she’d had no word of his departure. He hadn’t wanted her to know. The Lord Rahl had abandoned her.
Cara’s knees buckled and she slumped to the floor, staring aimlessly, her eyes unfocused. Something shattered inside of her. It wasn’t her heart. Kahlan held that firmly in her hand. If Cara had been able to put it into words, she would have said it was her identity that was breaking. Perhaps it was an identity that had been carved for her out of her own blood and pain, but it was one she had come to embrace. She was Mord’Sith. Since childhood, she’d served the Lord Rahl, whoever that may be. It was her world. Kahlan had been the first thing, the only thing that Cara had wanted outside of that life, and now, because of that one desire, her whole existence had been irrevocably altered. It seemed a cruel trade - her love for the only life she’d known - and she hadn’t even realized she’d made that bargain before it was done and over with.
Cara laughed bitterly as her reeling mind dragged other ugly truths into the harsh light of day. From the start she’d lied to herself, letting herself believe that all that lay between her and Kahlan was a simple game of seduction. She’d convinced herself that Kahlan was as corrupt and tainted as any other royal Cara had met before. Half a lifetime servicing Darken Rahl’s every need had made her cynical. She’d belittled what Kahlan offered her, and in doing so had recklessly underestimated its power.
For Kahlan never did things in half measures. She was no pampered courtesan indulging in a trifling, insubstantial bout of lust. From the start, the Confessor must have known what had driven her to infidelity. Kahlan was nothing if not honest. Cara had been the coward. She’d had so little faith in what these encounters between she and Kahlan meant, that she hadn’t even been able to name her own feelings until a few short hours ago. That Kahlan would choose her, not abandon her at the merest sign of trouble, seemed impossible. Some part of her truly thought that in the end, Kahlan would either return to Richard in full, or that she and the Confessor would continue on as they had, snatching moments alone in the shadows. But Kahlan had done the unthinkable. She’d dared to love Cara. And she’d told Richard.
And because of that the Lord Rahl was lost to Cara.
If she hadn’t already been on her knees, she might have collapsed under the weight of her emotions. Guilt and sorrow tore at the fragile beginnings of her love for Kahlan like a fierce wind, threatening to uproot what had just been planted. A deep pit opened inside of her, and she thought she might disappear into it without a sound.
Then, Kahlan touched her shoulder. Cara’s head jerked up. Kahlan knelt in front of her, her own expression laced with pain, yet her eyes gleamed with a sort of peaceful resignation and even a glimmer of hope. Her hand drifted from Cara’s shoulder to her cheek, her thumb circling lightly over Cara’s cheekbone. Cara leaned into the touch with the desperation of a drowning man reaching for an extended branch.
“I’m sorry, Cara,” Kahlan said quietly. “I know I should have told you right away. There’s so much I need to explain to you. But I was selfish. I needed you with me this morning. Perhaps, I shouldn’t have told Richard at all without you here, without you knowing. But I couldn’t lie to him anymore. I owed him at least that much. I hope you’ll forgive me, one day.”
Cara’s eyes burned, tears leaking from her eyes and carving twin hot paths down her cheeks. She swayed back, swiping roughly at her face and clearing her throat. Kahlan was asking her for forgiveness? It made no sense. If anyone could give either of them absolution, it was Richard. Wasn’t it?
Kahlan stared at Cara silently, her blue eyes asking for understanding. All at once, Cara was struck by Kahlan’s beauty, despite the lines of worry marring her face. She’d always found Kahlan attractive, the power and grace of the Confessor alluring. Yet here, now, with Kahlan so vulnerable, simply a woman seeking comfort from her lover, she seemed more beautiful to Cara than she ever had before. Cara’s heart caught in her throat. She wanted to trust this more than anything. She wanted to lose herself in Kahlan.
Yet she didn’t know how to build a life on the wreckage of her betrayal. Cara could feel her world crumbling around her. Who was she if she was no longer Mord’Sith, if she did not serve the Lord Rahl?
“I’ll understand if you need to go to him,” Kahlan said meekly, a tone that Cara had never heard the Confessor use before. “He seemed more sad than angry when he left. And this is Richard after all. He can be quite forgiving.”
Cara could tell that the Confessor meant her words, but she doubted that her penance would come so easily. Even Richard’s kindness had its limits. And then there were Kahlan’s eyes, pleading with Cara to stay even as her words freed her to leave. Cara wanted to reassure Kahlan, make promises that would wipe the worry from Kahlan’s expression, but she found she couldn’t. Spirits, she loved Kahlan. Her heart felt as if it would burst from that love. But that love had laid waste to the rest of her world.
“I need time,” said Cara roughly.
She pushed herself from the floor, refusing Kahlan’s assistance. Kahlan remained silent as Cara dressed in the leathers that seemed to burn where they touched her skin. She couldn’t lift her face to look at Kahlan. Her chest ached as she made her way to the door. She kept her eyes straight ahead, knowing that if she looked back, she wouldn’t be able to leave the room. At the doorway, she paused, leaning on one shaking arm for support.
“I just need time,” she repeated, offering Kahlan what little comfort she could. Then, she stumbled out of the room, pretending that she could not hear Kahlan’s sob behind her.
Part 3