(no subject)
Really, it's not exactly how I pictured My First Time. I don't know what I expected -- maybe a double-feature of the black/white King Kong and then Peter Jackson's forthcoming remake, a delicious dinner of some kind of non-spicy ethnic food, perhaps a bottle of wine. There would be wine involved, and there would also probably be love. Yes, love would be involved, and the kind of love that was, like, reciprocated. There would be friendship and intimacy and openness. Love. Real love, not the kind that a spell makes happen.
It must have been a spell. For one, I was starving. And thirsty like I've never been thirsty before. For two, I couldn't remember anything clearly since, jeez, since Tracy and I were arguing at the murder scene. I had brief flashes of how I'd spent the last couple days, but it was all jumbled in my brain like a bad cable signal. There were a lot of NC-17 images, though, and, Tracy... and Tracy.
Tracy was talking about love. To other people in the room. I turned to see who she was telling that we loved each other, and laid eyes upon what is probably the most mortifying scene ever ... seen:
Faith (the slayer), Spike (the vampire), Amy (the witch), Michael (the warlock), Tamara (the slayer) and Oz (the werewolf) were all standing and sitting in Faith's room, staring. At me (the naked man) and Tracy (the naked woman), who were both very nude, and also naked. In Faith's bed. Oh my god, I was dead meat.
"Wait! What's..." I frantically tried to gather the sheet around my waist, but I wound up pulling it off Tracy, who fought back by pulling it back. I grabbed a pillow and put it over my groin, scrambling to get as far to the edges of Faith's ridiculous bed as possible.
I glanced at Tracy once I got some distance, and found her face completely fallen.
"Tracy, listen. I don't know what's happening. We were ..." I searched the faces of the other people in the room, from Spike, who was smirking, to Faith who looked sort of grossed out, to the back of Amy's head, to Michael, who was unceremoniously collecting his spell components in a hurry to get out of the room. Or so it appeared.
"What happened?"
"What do you mean, 'what happened,' Andrew?!" Tracy cried out. "We just spent the three best days of our lives. That's what happened!"
"Three days!? I've been ...sexually active... for three days? With... you?"
"Come on, Andrew, don't be such a dude," Faith said, getting up and handing Tracy her own robe to put on. "She obviously doesn't know."
"Know what?" Tracy whispered.
"There must have been some kind of freaky spell cast on you guys. I mean, how else do you explain knockin' boots for the better part of the work week? That's just... well, I was going to say wrong, but, then again, I've enjoyed some epic sessions myself," Faith snickered. As an aside, she turned to Spike and explained, "Non-magical, of course. Straight animal magnetism. Yeah."
"Of course," Spike nodded, with a grimace. He stood up, looking sort of disappointed that his free show was over. "Well, I'm off. Andrew, put some pants on -- you're shaming your modest little bint there."
With that, Tracy threw me another horrified look, and, wrapping the sheet around her, stood up angrily. Tears filled her eyes and she looked at me with what maybe was hatred? I couldn't tell. What she said next only confused me further:
"It wasn't a spell. It was love and it was real."
Tracy ran out of the room as best she could with a sheet tangled around her like a mummy.
"Andrew? You are going to be doing all my chores for weeks, kid. Starting with the sheets. And ending, blech, with Febreeze. It smells like goats in here," Fait waved her hand in front of her nose to illustrate the stinkiness, I guess, and then slowly left the room, collecting the other gross remaining voyeurs as she walked.
"Hey!" I called after them, "Why didn't anyone tell me what happened? And, where are my pants?"
It must have been a spell. For one, I was starving. And thirsty like I've never been thirsty before. For two, I couldn't remember anything clearly since, jeez, since Tracy and I were arguing at the murder scene. I had brief flashes of how I'd spent the last couple days, but it was all jumbled in my brain like a bad cable signal. There were a lot of NC-17 images, though, and, Tracy... and Tracy.
Tracy was talking about love. To other people in the room. I turned to see who she was telling that we loved each other, and laid eyes upon what is probably the most mortifying scene ever ... seen:
Faith (the slayer), Spike (the vampire), Amy (the witch), Michael (the warlock), Tamara (the slayer) and Oz (the werewolf) were all standing and sitting in Faith's room, staring. At me (the naked man) and Tracy (the naked woman), who were both very nude, and also naked. In Faith's bed. Oh my god, I was dead meat.
"Wait! What's..." I frantically tried to gather the sheet around my waist, but I wound up pulling it off Tracy, who fought back by pulling it back. I grabbed a pillow and put it over my groin, scrambling to get as far to the edges of Faith's ridiculous bed as possible.
I glanced at Tracy once I got some distance, and found her face completely fallen.
"Tracy, listen. I don't know what's happening. We were ..." I searched the faces of the other people in the room, from Spike, who was smirking, to Faith who looked sort of grossed out, to the back of Amy's head, to Michael, who was unceremoniously collecting his spell components in a hurry to get out of the room. Or so it appeared.
"What happened?"
"What do you mean, 'what happened,' Andrew?!" Tracy cried out. "We just spent the three best days of our lives. That's what happened!"
"Three days!? I've been ...sexually active... for three days? With... you?"
"Come on, Andrew, don't be such a dude," Faith said, getting up and handing Tracy her own robe to put on. "She obviously doesn't know."
"Know what?" Tracy whispered.
"There must have been some kind of freaky spell cast on you guys. I mean, how else do you explain knockin' boots for the better part of the work week? That's just... well, I was going to say wrong, but, then again, I've enjoyed some epic sessions myself," Faith snickered. As an aside, she turned to Spike and explained, "Non-magical, of course. Straight animal magnetism. Yeah."
"Of course," Spike nodded, with a grimace. He stood up, looking sort of disappointed that his free show was over. "Well, I'm off. Andrew, put some pants on -- you're shaming your modest little bint there."
With that, Tracy threw me another horrified look, and, wrapping the sheet around her, stood up angrily. Tears filled her eyes and she looked at me with what maybe was hatred? I couldn't tell. What she said next only confused me further:
"It wasn't a spell. It was love and it was real."
Tracy ran out of the room as best she could with a sheet tangled around her like a mummy.
"Andrew? You are going to be doing all my chores for weeks, kid. Starting with the sheets. And ending, blech, with Febreeze. It smells like goats in here," Fait waved her hand in front of her nose to illustrate the stinkiness, I guess, and then slowly left the room, collecting the other gross remaining voyeurs as she walked.
"Hey!" I called after them, "Why didn't anyone tell me what happened? And, where are my pants?"