(no subject)
i keep forgetting to breathe.
this was not supposed to happen.
i am appreciating our time together and getting to know each other again, finding we are more similar creatures now than we were ten years ago, but feelings are developing more rapidly than i was prepared for. a part of me likes the ambiguity of our "relationship", the lack of pressure and structure, but another part realizes she may be in a very different boat. the fact of the matter is that she is still recovering from a serious relationship where as i was indifferent before mine ended.i don't even know if she's still seeing nina and won't dare to ask. it is completely feasible that she has her eyes wide open, but aren't i fun? i'm not saying i want to hop in the moving van or make future plans, that would be utterly ridiculous at this point and not on my list of to-do's, but the truth is i wasn't looking and i'm not looking and i have a feeling she still is and once she finds that person i will be left cold as she becomes absorbed in another relationship; as a friend would hurt equally.
but aren't we friends? friends who hold hands and kiss, lay side by side or wrapped in the dark? friends who have HOT HOT make-out sessions and seem to bring the kid out in one another? it is in my best interest not to put too much emphasis on what will or won't come next, to enjoy is as it happens. so far i'm able to do just that and glow in her presence, but i can feel the dark seeds of doubt sprouting in my knotted stomach and this is just unacceptable. humyn perhaps, but i'm becoming quite comfortable and in love with the idea of not knowing what the fuck i'm doing in all other areas of my life.
i am beginning to feel i should close the cage that is my heart as a protective measure. know i will not. i will ride this wave until it breaks, spilling me on shore, raw and bleeding. know that i will walk blindly and if all else fails my art/writing is never more brilliant as when my spirit is suffering.
this was not supposed to happen.
i am appreciating our time together and getting to know each other again, finding we are more similar creatures now than we were ten years ago, but feelings are developing more rapidly than i was prepared for. a part of me likes the ambiguity of our "relationship", the lack of pressure and structure, but another part realizes she may be in a very different boat. the fact of the matter is that she is still recovering from a serious relationship where as i was indifferent before mine ended.i don't even know if she's still seeing nina and won't dare to ask. it is completely feasible that she has her eyes wide open, but aren't i fun? i'm not saying i want to hop in the moving van or make future plans, that would be utterly ridiculous at this point and not on my list of to-do's, but the truth is i wasn't looking and i'm not looking and i have a feeling she still is and once she finds that person i will be left cold as she becomes absorbed in another relationship; as a friend would hurt equally.
but aren't we friends? friends who hold hands and kiss, lay side by side or wrapped in the dark? friends who have HOT HOT make-out sessions and seem to bring the kid out in one another? it is in my best interest not to put too much emphasis on what will or won't come next, to enjoy is as it happens. so far i'm able to do just that and glow in her presence, but i can feel the dark seeds of doubt sprouting in my knotted stomach and this is just unacceptable. humyn perhaps, but i'm becoming quite comfortable and in love with the idea of not knowing what the fuck i'm doing in all other areas of my life.
i am beginning to feel i should close the cage that is my heart as a protective measure. know i will not. i will ride this wave until it breaks, spilling me on shore, raw and bleeding. know that i will walk blindly and if all else fails my art/writing is never more brilliant as when my spirit is suffering.