(no subject)
the more i think about it, the less i want to move back to deleware. CLEARLY it is convenient and the easier option, but easier just means easier. that's it.
i need to get over my fear of driving in the city. that's #3 on my agenda, #1 being: finding affordable housing, #2 being: transfer or get a new job. with gas prices and and the condition of my car i won't be able to afford making the trek to annapolis every day (have a mentioned how much i dislike working in annapolis?). most likely i will not get a new job. for all my bitching and inner turmoil, i have it pretty sweet where i am, but once again, i'm definitely still there because it's the easier option. of course it would be bangin' if public transportation didn't suck. i really only enjoy driving on back roads or in the absence of traffic. wouldn't it be peachy to live in a city designed for bicycles and roller skates?
yes, yes it would.
i'm still afraid of living here alone. it's not even about being raped at 2 am anymore, in all fairness, that can happen anywhere.
i kind of cracked at work the other day. i snapped at a coworker which i NEVER do. my coworkers are awesome and as soon as i see her i will apologize, she really didn't deserve it. it was a long day and customers were being exceptionally rude and ignorant. i understand that allot of people would rather be served (not just food/beverages) than help themselves, but there is a line between treating yourself and just plain lazy. starbucks is supposed to be a classy joint, but i swear i've been treated with more respect all around by the speed heart all nighters at wawa.
so it's set: my sister and i are going to san fransisco in august. my feelings toward this are an indicator of my mental state right now. i'm not really that excited though i know i should be shitting bricks. the idea of spending a week with my brother intimidates me, he has always intimidated me because he's so damn smart. also being in a city full of night life and knowing i won't take advantage of it just makes me feel worse. it will be good to get away and i love flying (at least for the first few hours), but it's also a slap in the face. by my own hand of course. a part of me has felt i belong there, a part of me knows how i glamorize situations until i am in them. conquer baltimore first kendra.
i have a psychiatrist appointment at the end of this month. i don't think once a month is enough, but maybe that's just my impatience talking, maybe that's just me wanting to heal without doing the work. or maybe once a month is just not enough. my mom says i'll feel better once i get some drugs in me...hah hah hah, imagine that. says it'll always be work, but i'll have help once my brain is functioning properly. i don't know how much i buy into all this, but i know that it can't be worse than the alternative. i'm living the alternative and am willing to swallow my pride and accept the help i can't give myself. i just need to remind myself it is not a weakness or flaw in character. if it were, i don't believe i would realize how gracious life has been to me over all, and more so, i would not be fighting it tooth and nail when i can. believe me, a 26 year battle is pretty fucking epic, some of you already know that. some days i can't believe i haven't given up while at the same time wondering, what's the point? i guess the point is there are just too man things i have yet to experience.
i need to get over my fear of driving in the city. that's #3 on my agenda, #1 being: finding affordable housing, #2 being: transfer or get a new job. with gas prices and and the condition of my car i won't be able to afford making the trek to annapolis every day (have a mentioned how much i dislike working in annapolis?). most likely i will not get a new job. for all my bitching and inner turmoil, i have it pretty sweet where i am, but once again, i'm definitely still there because it's the easier option. of course it would be bangin' if public transportation didn't suck. i really only enjoy driving on back roads or in the absence of traffic. wouldn't it be peachy to live in a city designed for bicycles and roller skates?
yes, yes it would.
i'm still afraid of living here alone. it's not even about being raped at 2 am anymore, in all fairness, that can happen anywhere.
i kind of cracked at work the other day. i snapped at a coworker which i NEVER do. my coworkers are awesome and as soon as i see her i will apologize, she really didn't deserve it. it was a long day and customers were being exceptionally rude and ignorant. i understand that allot of people would rather be served (not just food/beverages) than help themselves, but there is a line between treating yourself and just plain lazy. starbucks is supposed to be a classy joint, but i swear i've been treated with more respect all around by the speed heart all nighters at wawa.
so it's set: my sister and i are going to san fransisco in august. my feelings toward this are an indicator of my mental state right now. i'm not really that excited though i know i should be shitting bricks. the idea of spending a week with my brother intimidates me, he has always intimidated me because he's so damn smart. also being in a city full of night life and knowing i won't take advantage of it just makes me feel worse. it will be good to get away and i love flying (at least for the first few hours), but it's also a slap in the face. by my own hand of course. a part of me has felt i belong there, a part of me knows how i glamorize situations until i am in them. conquer baltimore first kendra.
i have a psychiatrist appointment at the end of this month. i don't think once a month is enough, but maybe that's just my impatience talking, maybe that's just me wanting to heal without doing the work. or maybe once a month is just not enough. my mom says i'll feel better once i get some drugs in me...hah hah hah, imagine that. says it'll always be work, but i'll have help once my brain is functioning properly. i don't know how much i buy into all this, but i know that it can't be worse than the alternative. i'm living the alternative and am willing to swallow my pride and accept the help i can't give myself. i just need to remind myself it is not a weakness or flaw in character. if it were, i don't believe i would realize how gracious life has been to me over all, and more so, i would not be fighting it tooth and nail when i can. believe me, a 26 year battle is pretty fucking epic, some of you already know that. some days i can't believe i haven't given up while at the same time wondering, what's the point? i guess the point is there are just too man things i have yet to experience.