[late-night confidences; RP with laura_Muse (complete)]

[burnandrave]

OOC: Takes place sometime after Season 4 "Revelations". My thanks to the fabulous Laura!Mun for writing this with me! Please be aware there are spoilers for Season 4 beneath the cut.



Laura is standing in front of the airlock controls. She knows this is where Lee had brought the Three to be airlocked, before D'Anna had finally stood down and released the hostages. She's not even sure how she wound up here, but she wonders if this is the one that Cally Tyrol had thrown herself out of.

Kara doesn't like to look at the airlock controls if she can help it. She still has nightmares about Sam, about how close of a thing it was to his being cast out into the deadly emptiness of space. If she has to be in this area, she makes it a point not to look around more than she has to. She and Sam are barely on speaking terms, sure, but that doesn't mean she relished the thought of his death.

She sees Laura Roslin, however, and pauses. Kara remembers, still, when Roslin had Leoben airlocked on the Gemenon Traveller. She pushes back the thought and walks in, hands clasped behind her back, her voice respectful. "Madame President."

Laura turns at the sound of Kara's voice and tries to smile. "Captain. What are you doing wandering around the ship at this hour?"

"I could ask you the same thing, Ma'am," Kara says politely, smiling slightly in response. Before, she might have joked about airlocks and Cylons, but not now. Not when so many of their own almost met a similar fate, Cylon or no. "Couldn't sleep." It is a hackneyed excuse, but it happens to be the truth.

Laura chuckles at the very idea of sleep. "I haven't been sleeping much, either. If it's not the diloxin, it's the chamalla, and if it's neither of those, it's... other things. Tory..." She trails off, looking down at the airlock, shaking her head. "Too many thoughts, I guess."

"Yeah." Kara blinks, remembering her place. "Yes, Ma'am," she says instead, moving farther into the room. She wants to ask if the President regrets the things she's done. If she feels betrayed that she didn't not know someone close to her was a Cylon. Kara wants to ask these things because they're very much the same sort of thing that keeps her up at night.

Instead, she says simply, "Are you feeling well, Ma'am?" It seems the safest thing to say.

She turns and smiles wistfully at Kara. "How are you taking... all of this? And call me Laura, please."

Kara notes that Laura is ignoring her question, which is answer enough for her. "I--it's been a hell of a last few weeks." Kara deliberately leaves off any sort of address; she doesn't know if she can actually call the President Laura. "I don't really know what to say, actually." Kara shook her head slightly, eyes cast downward. "To you. To Anders. To Tigh. To anyone."

"I'd think you'd be cursing up a storm at me." Laura remarks, setting both of her hands on the counter. "I led us to this." She closes her eyes. "Fortunately, I don't have the problem of trying to find the right thing to say to Tory. She hasn't spoken to me since the baseship. But you... Sam loves you."

"Well. With all due respect, Ma'am--" Kara pauses--"Laura--we've all done some things I think we wish we hadn't." Kara remembers the night she confronted the President clearly; the determination to find Earth, to keep traveling towards the signal she barely remembered, had driven all other thoughts from her head. "Sam--I--maybe he only loves me because he's supposed to." Kara's smile becomes sharp, almost unfriendly. "Programmed. Like Leoben."

Laura shakes her head, stepping up to her. "No. Not like Leoben. Leoben's obsessed with you. Sam accepts you. He loves you." She hums quietly. "Saul Tigh."

"I don't think Leoben knows the difference." Kara runs a hand through her hair. She feels uncomfortable talking about Leoben in front of Roslin--part of her is still resentful about what happend on the Gemenon, though she doesn't really understand why. "Tigh? What about Tigh?" Kara's sharp simle softens into something a little less brittle. "Don't tell me you think he's in love with me. Then we know it's a Cylon plot, for sure."

"If Saul Tigh is in love with you..." Laura can't help but laugh, shaking her head, then sobers immediately. "Part of me is glad that Cally was spared this. I don't think she could have handled this on top of everything else."

"Cally shouldn't have stopped fighting," Kara says, shaking her head. "The rest of it handle it and don't throw ourselves out of the airlock." She realizes how that sounds and closes her eyes briefly. "Sorry, Ma'am." The apology is perfunct, because Kara means what she says. "What do you think--" Kara pauses, but she's already started talking, so she might as well finish--"What do you think happened?"

She means on Earth, of course. People are talking about little else. Though people are wary of talking to her. Kara knows what they think. She hears them, when they think she's not listening. Cylon, led us to another trap, just like New Caprica--

Laura draws herself up and looks sharply at Kara. "It's not for us to judge her. There were people around her who should have caught warning signs. And how many other people are we going to lose to despair now?"

She knows Kara's talking about Earth, but she has no answer. "I don't know. Maybe they did it to themselves. Maybe the Cylons..." But that doesn't really make any sense. Why would the Cylons be so adamant about returning to a place they had already destroyed?

Kara has opinions about Cally, but she wisely doesn't share them. "It's your job to see everything from different angles," Kara says, her voice soft. "I'm a pilot. We make snap decisions. We make judgments and we go with them." It's not an apology, but it's as close as Kara is going to get.

She thinks about Earth, about the quiet stillness and the decimated buildings they've found on the surface. They're making plans, trying to sort out housing for the civilian fleet. Galactica's pilots and military personnel are still living aboard ship; it was just easier. Kara doesn't know what the future plans are, she just does what she's told. "I don't think it was the Cylons. I think it was something else."

Laura doesn't want to fight about Cally. She's far too tired, and even that realization comes with its own guilt. "People fall through the cracks, Kara. Sometimes all it would have taken is one kind word or a little encouragement. Or someone understanding her instead of villifying her." She suddenly realizes that she relates very much to what Cally must have been going through.

"I shouldn't have said that. I don't think the Cylons did this. It doesn't make sense." She sighs heavily, running her hand under her wig, which is scratchy. "I wish... I wonder how long ago this happened."

"I don't know. I know that the Old Man has a team out there, scientists. Trying to figure it out." Kara shrugs. "I don't know much about science, or how they're figuring it out. But I know about battle, and what it does to a place. I don't think it was recent. But I don't know." She watches Laura, and says quietly, "How is--how is he?"

"He's all right now. He asked Colonel Tigh to coordinate with the Cylons. You can imagine how the first meeting with D'Anna went." She finally gives up and takes the damn wig off, setting it aside. "Then of course the Chief and Sam want nothing to do with the other Cylons..."

She looks at Kara, mulling over her own thoughts carefully. "I take it this wasn't what you were expecting, either?"

Kara laughs. The sound is as far from amused as it is possible to be. "If I had a credit for everyone who's asked me that, Madame President--Laura--I'd be the richest survivor of the former Twelve Colonies in the entire fleet. I don't know what I expected."

No. I do. I expected us all to die. I still expect it.

Kara meets Laura's eyes. She notes Laura's appearance, tired eyes, wan face. Maybe Laura understands, about death, in a way no one else does. "The Hybrid. Do you know...do you know what she said to me?"

"The Hybrid." Laura can't help but shiver at the memory of her time on the baseship. Somehow that hybrid had helped her to get back in touch with her own humanity. She had never been affected by jumps the way she'd been affected on the baseship.

"What did she say?" Not an it. A she.

"She said..." Kara turns away, running her fingers over the control panels. Her fingers brush lightly against the airlock controls. "You are the harbinger of death, Kara Thrace. You will bring them all to their end."

Laura takes a breath as she lets the words sink in. Before she even know what she's doing, her hand has crept over to cover Kara's hand.

"Kara, there are many different kinds of ends. Journey's end. The end of Cylon immortality. You can't... It doesn't mean..."

Kara jerks away, pulling her hand back. It's a reflexive gesture, and she doesn't mean it personally; Kara is wary of touch, of physical affection. Especially by women. She realizes that she's being stupid and puts her hand back next to Roslin's, though she can't find the right words to explain why she pulled away in the first place.

"There's really no other way to interpret harbinger of death, though, is there?"

"Harbinger of death..." Laura shakes her head. "Kara. The Cylons cannot resurrect anymore. The end of their lives is now the end of their lives. Just like us now."

She doesn't blame Kara for pulling away. She knows that Kara has long had issues with older women showing any sort of inclination to touch her.

"I hope that's what it means. But I don't know. Would the Cylons try so hard to help me, if that were the case?" She thought about what Leoben had said to her, how they wanted to be human.

Now they were.

If only she could believe it was that simple. "How are you?" Kara asks, almost shyly, trying to make up for pulling away a moment ago, from both Laura's touch and her concern. Kara is bad at accepting both, but she thinks perhaps Laura understands.

Laura tries to smile, but she's very afraid that it looks bitter. "I feel like hell, but that's the best I can hope for these days."

She chuckles mirthlessly. "Maybe this isn't Earth at all. Maybe the diloxin won't get me, maybe it'll be an assassin's bullet, and there'll be a big neon sign saying, 'Sorry, just had to wait for your dying leader to, well, die!'"

Kara actually laughs at that, but it doesn't last long. "I don't think that's it," she says, and she doesn't bother to say you're not going to die, don't worry, because Kara is pretty sure that Laura knows what is going to happen. "We're survivors. Maybe not...maybe not all of us, but as a people, we're...adaptable. And I think...some of us are going to live, and some of us won't, but I don't think all of us are going to die." Kara feels clumsy, awkward, trying to have this conversation. She's better at other things.

"I should've died a while back." Laura shrugs, trying to really believe that she doesn't care. "Kara, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," Kara says, shrugging, grateful to talk about anything other than everyone's obvious disappointment.

"When you push someone away, is it for your protection or their protection?" Laura reaches for the wig and puts it back on, sighing.

Kara clasps her hands behind her back and stands at attention. "Well, you're asking the right person for that advice," she says, in a rare moment of brutal self-honesty. "I don't know if it's that well-thought out, or not. I want to say it's both, sometimes. But mostly...I just think I'm a frak up, and that being around me won't end up good for anyone. I know I'm a fighter, so I know I'll survive. But I don't know that about everyone else. Not for sure, anyway."

Laura nods, thinking very carefully. "You're not a frak up, Kara."

She sighs, easing herself onto one of the stools. "Sometimes I want to make him so angry, make him hate me. Hate me so much that he'll be glad when I'm gone." She closes her eyes. "I could do it, too. I could. You've seen some of the things I'm capable of."

Kara knows what Laura's talking about, of course. It's hard for her to imagine the Old Man in love, but Kara's seem them. She's seen the looks they give each other when they think no one is watching, even each other. "I don't think you can do that," Kara says quietly, moving closer. "You did things. Sure. So did I. I pulled a gun on you, Madame President, and I'm going to be--I'll be as sad as anyone--"

Kara turns away abruptly, feeling a sting of tears in her eyes. She blinks quickly, floundering for her composure, seeking something to say. "I just don't think you can do it. Push him away for good. Not if he loves you. Nothing will make it work." Kara flexes her hands, her fingers, a phantom pain and a memory of an old wound briefly stirring.

Laura blinks rapidly, trying to stave off her own tears. "I'd never been in love before, Kara." She takes a breath and holds it, wrapping her arms around herself tightly. She wants to unburden herself, so badly, but she's been holding it all in for so long, she's afraid to let anything out.

"We've been getting reports from a few of the ships." She clears her throat and tries to regain her control. "Those who haven't succumbed to despair have succumbed to rage. They want me dead for this." She looks up briefly at Kara. "I told the Vice-President I didn't want the military involved."

"We can still live here. It's still Earth. It's still a place to stop running." Kara notices the switch in the subject, the way Laura holds herself, stiff and tense. "Love. It's a frakking waste of time, isn't it?" She shakes her head, makes a derisive noise. "I don't know why the Cylons think it's so frakking great, really. I keep trying to show Leoben how annoying it can be." She raises her brow. "I think maybe he's getting the idea."

"I thought love was a waste of time. For a long time, that's what I believed." Laura shifts on the stool. "I was wrong, Kara. Don't wait as long I did to realize you're wrong. I don't think even Sam will wait that long."

Kara doesn't answer for a long time. She's not sure what to say. "He's not going to leave you, Laura. And it's not going to matter what you do. He's still--I know the Old Man. He wasn't close to Zak, not really. And his death...it..." Kara shakes her head. "I'm not any frakking good at this," she mutters, raking a hand hard through her hair. "If you really mean that, about wasting time, then maybe you should stop playing games and just go be with him."

It's all she can think of to say. No one usually asks Kara for advice on their love lives.

"You think I'm playing games, Kara?" A wave of anger passed through her as she straightened up, leaving the stool. "Do you have any idea what it does to me, seeing what I'm doing to him? I can't talk to him about dying, because he can't bear to hear it and I can't think of anything else now. I can't think of Earth, I can't think of these people whose lives I've held in my hands and many of whom would love nothing better than to be the one to end my life themselves..." She heads for the hatch, shaking all over. If she doesn't leave now, she'll lose it.

"If you'll excuse me, Laura, but that's bullshit," Kara says bluntly. She watches as the other woman moves towards the hatch. "You're still alive. You have a long time to dead. It seems to me, Ma'am, you should spend the rest of it being happy. If you can. Aren't you the one that tells me that after we fight, we find peace?"

Laura rests her fist against the hatch, shaking her head. "How can I let him make me happy when I know that each moment I take from him just adds to his pain later on?" She's not even a hundred percent sure what she's saying herself, but she just knows that it all makes sense to her. She'd sacrifice anything to not bring Bill any more pain.

"Life is pain," Kara says bluntly. "All of it. Even the things we like. Even the things we love." Her fingers flex again. She thinks about Sam, about Lee. Zak. Even Leoben. "The more you want something, the happier it makes you--the more it hurts when it's gone." Carefully, though her instincts fought somewhat against it, Kara crosses to Laura and puts one hand on her shoulder. It's the smallest of touches, light, barely there.

"It's not fair." Laura whispers. She knows that she sounds like a selfish child, but she'd probably trade her soul for just a little time to think only of herself, or only of Bill. "He's given everything for this Fleet. He's followed me and where've I led him?" Her shoulders slump and she knows she's dangerously close to giving up the fight.

Kara feels a bit uncomfortable, standing next to Roslin with her hand on other woman's shoulder, but Laura isn't the President, not now. She's a woman, in pain, dying. Torn between duty and something more, something greater. Kara thinks about Anders. "Sam, he--I asked him, all the time, why he put up with me. I'm a lousy frak-up as a wife, Laura. I can't be faithful. I refused him so much. We never had our own quarters, not like married people, and it was because of me. I said no every time he asked. I wouldn't give up being a pilot, my spot in the barracks. He did it all, everything. I don't know why." Kara took a deep breath. These were not the sorts of conversations she was used to having. "I asked him, once. Why he did it. Why it was worth it. He said because I was. I told him that he was wrong. Gods, I told him that all the time." Kara looked up, fighting the burn of tears. "He said I didn't get to choose if I was worth it or not. He did."

"And you still push him away." Laura finally turns back to face her. "I wish I could... He pushed me away... after you disappeared... I wanted to be there with him, for him. I was there, but it was like I wasn't. I can't do that to him. I can't let him watch me go, knowing that he'll push away anything that could possibly comfort him. I watched my mother give up. She didn't even survive her final treatments."

"I do. And I can't stop. Don't ever let me be an inspiration for relationships, for frak's sake. But you can be there with him now. And it's too late, unless you go back and make him stop loving you. But you can't." Kara drops her hand. She realizes what she's doing, the things she's saying, and stands back at attention. "I'm sorry, ma'am. This isn't my place." Her voice is stiff, wary.

"It's your place. I'm asking you. I can't show him my fear. I can't show anyone this fear, Kara." Laura hangs her head. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to dump everything on you. I can't even tell Lee how afraid I am for his father."

"Please, no, I--I didn't mean I didn't want to hear it." Kara breathes out hard, closing her eyes briefly. "I just don't know what to say. I run away from everything. From everyone. I fight until I can't fight anymore. And when I finally--when I finally gave in--" Kara closes her eyes more and leaves them there, thinking of the storm, of her visit to her dying mother. Of how it felt to finally let go. "It was all right. It was." She opens her eyes. "It will be, for you, too."

"It'll be all right for me, of course." Laura reaches out to touch Kara's cheek. "I'll be dead. And he'll have to carry on."

"Yes ma'am." Kara doesn't flinch, doesn't move away. "And he will." Her voice is certain, without a doubt. There is little that Kara can give Laura Roslin in the way of comfort, but she knows Admiral Adama, and she absolutely believes what she is saying.

Her mouth twists into a bitter grimace. It's not like her at all to be this selfish. "Maybe he won't have to watch me die slowly. There are a lot of people out there who want me dead now. May as well paint a frakkin' target on my back."

Kara gives a half smile at that, and straightens. Her stance is perfect. "Not if I am alive to stop it, ma'am," she says, chin up, eyes fixed across the room. It's a position of formality, respect. "And I've already died once. I figure I've got awhile before I have to do it again."

"I appreciate it, but I won't let anyone stop a bullet for me, Kara. Not now." Not after she had almost killed Baltar on that baseship. Not after everything.

"I'm just saying, ma'am." Kara ruined her picture-perfect soldier stance by yawning. She was tired, and she'd have to be up early; there were missions to fly, there were Cylons that were still a threat. She gave a sharp salute, then relaxed back into an at-ease stance. She smiled at Laura. "If you will excuse me, Madam President. I need to get back to my bunk."

Laura nodded, smiling. "Of course, I've kept you from your bunk far too long as it is. I've got an appointment with Cottle in the morning myself."

"You haven't kept me, ma'am." Kara doesn't know any other way to thank Laura for her confidence, or how to tell her it's going to be all right. But for someone who runs from these sorts of things, asking to be dismissed first was a gesture of trust. Kara hopes Laura understands what she can't find words to explain. "Good night."

"Good night, Kara. Try to get a good night'

"You, too." Kara's not sure either of them will, not really. Not tonight.

But maybe someday.