[true_Writers 16.E.1: Write a Letter]
OOC: This prompt response features AU!Kara. Sam is notmyfate and Leoben is Cylon_prophet; this takes place in the AU!Verse, on Earth.
[private]
Kara writes the following letters, each scribbled in her messy handwriting on a piece of paper, and puts them both away with her statues in one of her dresser drawers. Sometimes, if she's alone, she takes them out and reads them, smoothing the pages with her fingers. Sometimes she thinks about giving them to their intended recipients, but she never does. She puts them away, and thinks, "maybe next time."
Sam--
I don't know if I've ever said thank you for this. For anything, really. Of all the things I've done to you, that's probably the worst. I try sometimes to tell you, but the words get caught in my throat.
I'm not good at saying thank you. I'm not really very good at saying anything, especially to you. I feel sometimes like I lied to you, back when we got married. I don't know if Lee ever told you what happened with us on New Caprica, the night before we got married. He thinks I married you because you were safe. And I did, because you were.
The thing no one understands, and I didn't either, was that I wanted safety. I wanted someplace, someone, where I could stop running. And I'm so afraid of it, because I want it more than anything. I know I was horrible to you when we got back on Galactica. I blamed New Caprica for a lot of it. But most of it was just me. I didn't lie when I said I wanted to hurt someone. And you were there, and I wanted to hurt you, for daring to stick with me and not leave me. It's all I've ever wanted, and yet, it scares me more than anything.
I knew the thing with Lee wouldn't last. We were friends. We should have frakked ages ago and just let it be. I knew it would happen and be exciting and then it'd be over. And I knew you'd still be there. It's not fair to you. I abuse all the trust you put in me. The only thing I know about love is abuse. I'm sorry for that.
I thought, when you caught me with Leoben, that it would be the end of it. And you stayed. And then you asked me to move in with you after the War, asked me to be your wife and give us another chance. And instead I insisted Leoben move in with us, and you let him, and you share me with him because I asked you to do it.
I don't know why I deserve you. I woke up from a nightmare the other night that you had enough, that you left me. I wait every day for you tell me this is it, it's too much. I'm too much. It's so hard not to run away before you leave me.
But love, to me, is about not leaving. And I love you. So I'm not leaving, even though I'm still half-convinced you're going to. Thanks for sticking around. I hope one day I'm worth any of this. I hope, one day, I'm worthy of you.
--Kara
Leoben--
I don't know why I love you.
I wake up from nightmares and you know why they're so bad? They're not pretend, they're not made up. They're real. You're coming down the staircase in that frakking dollhouse, smiling at me, and I can't get away. You have me trapped and you won't let me leave, and the only way out is covered in bars.
You were right, you know. I do love you, just like you said I would. But I don't know why I do, or how it happened. I'm still afraid of you. You look at me sometimes and it scares me, because you don't look human, not like Sam does. I forget Sam is a Cylon, honestly, half the time. But I don't forget with you. I've never forgotten anything.
Sometimes I think I love you because you're not human. Sometimes I think you're my replacement for hunting Cylons--I fly recons now and nothing shoots at me, so I go home and go to bed with the enemy because it's a rush, it's dangerous. You are dangerous, as mild-mannered as you pretend to be. Even Sam forgets. You're good at looking harmless. But I know better. Sometimes, in bed, I have the thought you're going to kill me when you have your hand around my neck. Sometimes it makes me come. I don't even know what the frak that says about me, other than I'm frakked up.
Then I remember you on the Demetrius, your faith in me when everyone else thought I was insane, and I wonder how much of what I just said is true. I remember how, when I saw the planet and the baseship, I remember how you were the first person I looked for, looked at. There is something between us that I don't understand, but I know it's there. I knew it the first time we met, when I tortured you. I knew it when you had me prisoner. Sometimes I hate you for it.
I cried over Kacey, but it took me a long time. I'm still not sorry I killed you on New Carpica.
I love you very much. I just wish I understood why.
--Kara
[private]
Kara writes the following letters, each scribbled in her messy handwriting on a piece of paper, and puts them both away with her statues in one of her dresser drawers. Sometimes, if she's alone, she takes them out and reads them, smoothing the pages with her fingers. Sometimes she thinks about giving them to their intended recipients, but she never does. She puts them away, and thinks, "maybe next time."
Sam--
I don't know if I've ever said thank you for this. For anything, really. Of all the things I've done to you, that's probably the worst. I try sometimes to tell you, but the words get caught in my throat.
I'm not good at saying thank you. I'm not really very good at saying anything, especially to you. I feel sometimes like I lied to you, back when we got married. I don't know if Lee ever told you what happened with us on New Caprica, the night before we got married. He thinks I married you because you were safe. And I did, because you were.
The thing no one understands, and I didn't either, was that I wanted safety. I wanted someplace, someone, where I could stop running. And I'm so afraid of it, because I want it more than anything. I know I was horrible to you when we got back on Galactica. I blamed New Caprica for a lot of it. But most of it was just me. I didn't lie when I said I wanted to hurt someone. And you were there, and I wanted to hurt you, for daring to stick with me and not leave me. It's all I've ever wanted, and yet, it scares me more than anything.
I knew the thing with Lee wouldn't last. We were friends. We should have frakked ages ago and just let it be. I knew it would happen and be exciting and then it'd be over. And I knew you'd still be there. It's not fair to you. I abuse all the trust you put in me. The only thing I know about love is abuse. I'm sorry for that.
I thought, when you caught me with Leoben, that it would be the end of it. And you stayed. And then you asked me to move in with you after the War, asked me to be your wife and give us another chance. And instead I insisted Leoben move in with us, and you let him, and you share me with him because I asked you to do it.
I don't know why I deserve you. I woke up from a nightmare the other night that you had enough, that you left me. I wait every day for you tell me this is it, it's too much. I'm too much. It's so hard not to run away before you leave me.
But love, to me, is about not leaving. And I love you. So I'm not leaving, even though I'm still half-convinced you're going to. Thanks for sticking around. I hope one day I'm worth any of this. I hope, one day, I'm worthy of you.
--Kara
Leoben--
I don't know why I love you.
I wake up from nightmares and you know why they're so bad? They're not pretend, they're not made up. They're real. You're coming down the staircase in that frakking dollhouse, smiling at me, and I can't get away. You have me trapped and you won't let me leave, and the only way out is covered in bars.
You were right, you know. I do love you, just like you said I would. But I don't know why I do, or how it happened. I'm still afraid of you. You look at me sometimes and it scares me, because you don't look human, not like Sam does. I forget Sam is a Cylon, honestly, half the time. But I don't forget with you. I've never forgotten anything.
Sometimes I think I love you because you're not human. Sometimes I think you're my replacement for hunting Cylons--I fly recons now and nothing shoots at me, so I go home and go to bed with the enemy because it's a rush, it's dangerous. You are dangerous, as mild-mannered as you pretend to be. Even Sam forgets. You're good at looking harmless. But I know better. Sometimes, in bed, I have the thought you're going to kill me when you have your hand around my neck. Sometimes it makes me come. I don't even know what the frak that says about me, other than I'm frakked up.
Then I remember you on the Demetrius, your faith in me when everyone else thought I was insane, and I wonder how much of what I just said is true. I remember how, when I saw the planet and the baseship, I remember how you were the first person I looked for, looked at. There is something between us that I don't understand, but I know it's there. I knew it the first time we met, when I tortured you. I knew it when you had me prisoner. Sometimes I hate you for it.
I cried over Kacey, but it took me a long time. I'm still not sorry I killed you on New Carpica.
I love you very much. I just wish I understood why.
--Kara