(no subject)
( i wrote this earlier today, but i still feel it should be put in here.)
theres so much under the surface. i'm so sick of pretending i'm happy when i know i'm not. i'm so tired, i'm so broken. and i fear that people are seeing it. i feat my cracks are showing through, along with my weakness. my distortion is showing through the coating. and simply, i'm scared.
i'm sick of people telling me i'm stupid. i'm not stupid believe it or not, i'm quite itellegent, you're just too wrapped up in yourself to see that. i'm sick of all the pointless "are you okay" when i know i'm not, but i lie because what else am i sopposed to say? i fear so much, i fear to tell people how i really feel. my heart hurts and it's crumbling into smaller peices then it already is. all it needs is someone to fix it, but i'm too scared to give it away.
my head hurts from my insane thoughts. this morning i found myself wondering if i should dehydrate myself so i can get into a hospital. knowing that nobody would see me. then i asked myself why don't i just die. and why don't i just go away. ultimately, why don't i just end my life, and more so, whats stopping me?
i really feel that there is something wrong with me as much as i don't want it, i feel like i need pills to be happy. if not happy, then not like this.
you know, i hide things so very well. nobody ever knows that i'm not okay until i say something, and still i lie and say that i'm "okay". truth is, i'm a liar.
i think, i think too much. and that i need something to feel again. i'm numb. numb to feeling. numb to myself. simply numb. i never felt so numb before as i do now. i don't even care anymore, not about myself, not about anyone. i am numb to the world.
i'd kill to be happy again. i just want to be happy. i want someone to make my happy. feel alive. feel like someone cares about me. someone, just, someone. i want to give my heart away, my soul, myself i want to give it away. i don't want to be scared anymore. i want to stop being who i am. stop lying. stop acting like i don't know whats going on. i want to stop being me.
and i'm so fixed on what i don't want. that it never comes. i need something to focus on, and ultimate goal, i need to find it first.
i think i'm lonely, change that. i know i am.
i think i'm already gone. and if i'm not. i should be.
-- sam
theres so much under the surface. i'm so sick of pretending i'm happy when i know i'm not. i'm so tired, i'm so broken. and i fear that people are seeing it. i feat my cracks are showing through, along with my weakness. my distortion is showing through the coating. and simply, i'm scared.
i'm sick of people telling me i'm stupid. i'm not stupid believe it or not, i'm quite itellegent, you're just too wrapped up in yourself to see that. i'm sick of all the pointless "are you okay" when i know i'm not, but i lie because what else am i sopposed to say? i fear so much, i fear to tell people how i really feel. my heart hurts and it's crumbling into smaller peices then it already is. all it needs is someone to fix it, but i'm too scared to give it away.
my head hurts from my insane thoughts. this morning i found myself wondering if i should dehydrate myself so i can get into a hospital. knowing that nobody would see me. then i asked myself why don't i just die. and why don't i just go away. ultimately, why don't i just end my life, and more so, whats stopping me?
i really feel that there is something wrong with me as much as i don't want it, i feel like i need pills to be happy. if not happy, then not like this.
you know, i hide things so very well. nobody ever knows that i'm not okay until i say something, and still i lie and say that i'm "okay". truth is, i'm a liar.
i think, i think too much. and that i need something to feel again. i'm numb. numb to feeling. numb to myself. simply numb. i never felt so numb before as i do now. i don't even care anymore, not about myself, not about anyone. i am numb to the world.
i'd kill to be happy again. i just want to be happy. i want someone to make my happy. feel alive. feel like someone cares about me. someone, just, someone. i want to give my heart away, my soul, myself i want to give it away. i don't want to be scared anymore. i want to stop being who i am. stop lying. stop acting like i don't know whats going on. i want to stop being me.
and i'm so fixed on what i don't want. that it never comes. i need something to focus on, and ultimate goal, i need to find it first.
i think i'm lonely, change that. i know i am.
i think i'm already gone. and if i'm not. i should be.
-- sam