don't tell me your sorry. don't tell me i'll be okay. don't tell me its not my fault. don't tell me
i'll just start with yesterday. although at this moment everything is a blur. nothing is worth remembering.
me and mom went out to eat and then saw the butterfly effect i liked it a lot. we also got coffee and i got new eyebrow rings, although i have to wait a couple more weeks before i can change it. we went home and it was about 5. she's been wanting to "break up" with this guy, and tonight was the night to do it. so she left around i dont even remember. i spent the night online like always. Chris called me.. and told me i sounded like a 10 year old.. but he tans ;D (your not going to live that down) he hung up on me.. and my mom came home. she was going to bring me to the ER because my head hurts so bad. but, i don't want to go there. i'm scared to go..
i went to bed at 2.. and woke up at 10 but laid in bed for a while. i finally got up and did some stuff around the house. me and mom went to dunk's to get some food.. and i got a coolata.. ahh those things are the best.. we then went grocer shopping.. and this.. is where i wish things would end.
i went to get cheese or whatever.. and i dont know. my mom said something.. and with all my stress buildup.. i kinda went off on her. i told her i was sorry that i wasn't who she wanted me to be.. and that i didn't know what she expected. she didnt say anything to me except "you have a lot of nerve saying that" she didn't talk to me, and i didn't talk to her. we got home.. and i was going to just go in my room and crash, i ended up writing. and thats never good.
the phone rang.. and all i hear is my mom talking about my dad. i, was then hysterically crying by that time (i've been crying since 2, it is now almost 4:30). she walks out and i asked her if they are looking for my dad. they are.
i'm so scared.. i was crying so hard. and i conitplated suicide and all the ways i could do it like 500 times. none of these problems would have happend if.. i wasn't here. if i just left when i was sopsoed to. if i had gone with my uncle that day i wouldn't be here. i wouldn't have to deal with all this pain, the torment, the tears.. the.. everything. sometimes i ALWAYS wonder.. why i didn't go. and.. why i'm still here.
my mom then told me.. she's not coroperating with the investagator nor the attorny. she's trying so hard to protect me because.. i dont know what i'd do if my father showed up. im so scared. and.. i dont know. my head hurts really bad. and i apologized for everything i said to my mom. i just, plain and simple... i'm just a fuck up.
everything that has happend in forever.. is my fault. what if i wasn't here.. what if.. none of this shit happend. everything would be good. it would be great. i'd be.. what everyone wanted. but no. i'm the result of two people having sex without a condom. im the result of a fucking dick head and a caring mother. im the result of everyones problems.. if i hadn't been here. i wouldnt have met justin, and fucked things up for him.. and dana. if i wasn't here, i wouldn't fuck things up for adam. if i wasn't here, everything would be so much different, and better.. and im to blame. and i know i am. i just.. can't take it anymore. i've been thinking of telling my mom i need to talk to someone. i almost told her. but im too scared to talk to someone who.. is older and probably has no idea what it is like to be me. what it is like to cut yourself to feel good. i wouldn't let myself shower because i know if i did.. i'd cut myself.. and since that doesn't help me.. and everyone gets pissed at me.. whats the point.
stop pretending like you care. i know half you people that are reading this.. can give a flying shit what the hell happens or happend to me. i know it. and.. don't feel sorry its nobodys fault but my own. it doesnt sound that bad to you.. but you have no idea what it's like.. no fucking clue. and no.. i won't talk to anyone because i know nobody fucking cares. i'm so sick of being there for people that can give a fucking shit about me.. the only people i'll talk to at this point and time.. is justin-alicia-sergio-andruw.. and none of them are online.. so im sitting here writing this to the fucking asshole who is reading this..
i just.. dont know anymore. maybe i should just let them find my dad. as much as i dont want him here. i know things would be better. so why should i be so selfish and just let them find him.. but. i can't becuase i dont want to see the fucking asshole. and im just gonna fuck things up for everyone again, so why bother..
just.. what if i killed myself tonight.. what if i did. would you care (no). everything would be better, i know it would be. yeah i know i'd end up hurting the people that love me. but.. in the long run, it'd be better. i wouldn't fuck up guys and their girlfriends. i wouldn;t fuck up by telling people not to do the things i do and have done. its just gotten to the point where i just.. want to die. i feel drained. i feel im to blame. i feel horrible. i feel sad. i feel angry. i feel depressed. i feel suicidal. i feel i shouldn't be here. i feel so.. empty. and nobody in this shit hole world that i made for myself can help me. nobody can. nobody will. i dont want help. i just want.. for everything to be OKAY. just.. fine. i dont need to be happy. i just want to be okay. i want to be.. stable. i want to not have fear. i dont want to have sadness. or.. feel empty inside. i want to be normal.. i want to be everything im not. i want to be perfect.. i just.. want to be someone else..
i know.. i know i can be that. i know i can change everything i am. but i won't because.. i like who i am. i just dont like who i have become. i know.. deep down inside.. that im fine just the way i am. but what if.. i just changed my style. my clothes, my hair.. my music. what if i just changed my appearence, would that effect who i am? would that.. somehow make things better for myself. would maybe once people not look at me like im a fucking nutcase.. fat chance.
i just.. want to know. why i am the way i am. what if, i did go away. what if all the suicide notes i wrote would be read. or what if one time i accidently cut my vein.. and nobody knew and i died.. peacefully in my sleep. what if.. just.. what if..
i refuse to talk to anyone but the people mentioned above. i won't talk to anyone else. nobody else fucking cares about me. and i dont know.. im just so sick of making everyone else happy.. and pretending that im okay. that.. i can help you out even though im not even helping myself. everyone that doesn't even know my name.. who i am.. where im from.. can just go away. it was a waste of your time to read this...
i'm just a waste.
outxxx sam
me and mom went out to eat and then saw the butterfly effect i liked it a lot. we also got coffee and i got new eyebrow rings, although i have to wait a couple more weeks before i can change it. we went home and it was about 5. she's been wanting to "break up" with this guy, and tonight was the night to do it. so she left around i dont even remember. i spent the night online like always. Chris called me.. and told me i sounded like a 10 year old.. but he tans ;D (your not going to live that down) he hung up on me.. and my mom came home. she was going to bring me to the ER because my head hurts so bad. but, i don't want to go there. i'm scared to go..
i went to bed at 2.. and woke up at 10 but laid in bed for a while. i finally got up and did some stuff around the house. me and mom went to dunk's to get some food.. and i got a coolata.. ahh those things are the best.. we then went grocer shopping.. and this.. is where i wish things would end.
i went to get cheese or whatever.. and i dont know. my mom said something.. and with all my stress buildup.. i kinda went off on her. i told her i was sorry that i wasn't who she wanted me to be.. and that i didn't know what she expected. she didnt say anything to me except "you have a lot of nerve saying that" she didn't talk to me, and i didn't talk to her. we got home.. and i was going to just go in my room and crash, i ended up writing. and thats never good.
the phone rang.. and all i hear is my mom talking about my dad. i, was then hysterically crying by that time (i've been crying since 2, it is now almost 4:30). she walks out and i asked her if they are looking for my dad. they are.
i'm so scared.. i was crying so hard. and i conitplated suicide and all the ways i could do it like 500 times. none of these problems would have happend if.. i wasn't here. if i just left when i was sopsoed to. if i had gone with my uncle that day i wouldn't be here. i wouldn't have to deal with all this pain, the torment, the tears.. the.. everything. sometimes i ALWAYS wonder.. why i didn't go. and.. why i'm still here.
my mom then told me.. she's not coroperating with the investagator nor the attorny. she's trying so hard to protect me because.. i dont know what i'd do if my father showed up. im so scared. and.. i dont know. my head hurts really bad. and i apologized for everything i said to my mom. i just, plain and simple... i'm just a fuck up.
everything that has happend in forever.. is my fault. what if i wasn't here.. what if.. none of this shit happend. everything would be good. it would be great. i'd be.. what everyone wanted. but no. i'm the result of two people having sex without a condom. im the result of a fucking dick head and a caring mother. im the result of everyones problems.. if i hadn't been here. i wouldnt have met justin, and fucked things up for him.. and dana. if i wasn't here, i wouldn't fuck things up for adam. if i wasn't here, everything would be so much different, and better.. and im to blame. and i know i am. i just.. can't take it anymore. i've been thinking of telling my mom i need to talk to someone. i almost told her. but im too scared to talk to someone who.. is older and probably has no idea what it is like to be me. what it is like to cut yourself to feel good. i wouldn't let myself shower because i know if i did.. i'd cut myself.. and since that doesn't help me.. and everyone gets pissed at me.. whats the point.
stop pretending like you care. i know half you people that are reading this.. can give a flying shit what the hell happens or happend to me. i know it. and.. don't feel sorry its nobodys fault but my own. it doesnt sound that bad to you.. but you have no idea what it's like.. no fucking clue. and no.. i won't talk to anyone because i know nobody fucking cares. i'm so sick of being there for people that can give a fucking shit about me.. the only people i'll talk to at this point and time.. is justin-alicia-sergio-andruw.. and none of them are online.. so im sitting here writing this to the fucking asshole who is reading this..
i just.. dont know anymore. maybe i should just let them find my dad. as much as i dont want him here. i know things would be better. so why should i be so selfish and just let them find him.. but. i can't becuase i dont want to see the fucking asshole. and im just gonna fuck things up for everyone again, so why bother..
just.. what if i killed myself tonight.. what if i did. would you care (no). everything would be better, i know it would be. yeah i know i'd end up hurting the people that love me. but.. in the long run, it'd be better. i wouldn't fuck up guys and their girlfriends. i wouldn;t fuck up by telling people not to do the things i do and have done. its just gotten to the point where i just.. want to die. i feel drained. i feel im to blame. i feel horrible. i feel sad. i feel angry. i feel depressed. i feel suicidal. i feel i shouldn't be here. i feel so.. empty. and nobody in this shit hole world that i made for myself can help me. nobody can. nobody will. i dont want help. i just want.. for everything to be OKAY. just.. fine. i dont need to be happy. i just want to be okay. i want to be.. stable. i want to not have fear. i dont want to have sadness. or.. feel empty inside. i want to be normal.. i want to be everything im not. i want to be perfect.. i just.. want to be someone else..
i know.. i know i can be that. i know i can change everything i am. but i won't because.. i like who i am. i just dont like who i have become. i know.. deep down inside.. that im fine just the way i am. but what if.. i just changed my style. my clothes, my hair.. my music. what if i just changed my appearence, would that effect who i am? would that.. somehow make things better for myself. would maybe once people not look at me like im a fucking nutcase.. fat chance.
i just.. want to know. why i am the way i am. what if, i did go away. what if all the suicide notes i wrote would be read. or what if one time i accidently cut my vein.. and nobody knew and i died.. peacefully in my sleep. what if.. just.. what if..
i refuse to talk to anyone but the people mentioned above. i won't talk to anyone else. nobody else fucking cares about me. and i dont know.. im just so sick of making everyone else happy.. and pretending that im okay. that.. i can help you out even though im not even helping myself. everyone that doesn't even know my name.. who i am.. where im from.. can just go away. it was a waste of your time to read this...
i'm just a waste.
outxxx sam