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Fighting Control
Trei
~Did My Time~
Transformation
Dull, ill-mannered, emotional boy
Energetic, dedicated, structured young man
~Never Meant to Hurt You~
I’m just trying to get over you.
The one I never knew what to do with.
All I wanted, I could see it in you.
Right in my face but too far for me to reach.
~Do you have the answers I am looking for?~
Even if it didn’t show on the outside
I was smiling brightly on the inside
You make my days better but not being close enough to help because I can’t get too close.
I want to help but it is not my place.
My place to get into your heart.
~Am I a Failure~
Because I can’t get you out of my head
If not me then who? If not now then when?
Will there ever be time for me?
I want to give my life to that feeling
The feeling of love
A feeling free of constraints
Not meant to be contained but shown outwardly
A love that isn’t just based on physical freedoms
My mind is your mind, your mind is my mind
I want us to understand each other.
I want to be free to love.
~Loneliness is setting in~
Am I truly in a group or alone surrounded by a group?
Is it too late for me to fix my life?
Have I already destroyed everything that would make things easy for me in the end?
Can I count on anyone but myself?
I’m supposed to become independent but seem to forever be needing company
Am I just using them for my own purposes?
Is that all anyone does?
Is anyone just that righteous, that they make themselves work for them only, all alone?
~Where is the home?~
When will there be a place to call home?
Is this just a fantasy?
A glitch in the system?
One that allows the false idea of a good place for all to be.
One that allows somebody to venture out on their own just to come to a place where the rules will always be the same?
~Drowned With You~
I’m drowning in your despair, neglect, and doubt.
I’m trying to care about everyone all at once
Everyone except for myself. As if I didn’t even matter.
It seems like I have a death wish floating around within my aura.
Emanating the darkness brightly. Consuming all light in its path.
Then there is you. You aren’t the bright beacon of light sitting in my path to stop me.
You are right with me. Your sadness taking a toll on you.
It makes me stop to think.
Could we really be happy and free in this world of misery?
Is that hope piercing through this heart of darkness?
~*Dead and Lost*~
The funeral ends with the body being lowered into the holy ground. There were torch posts lit to shine through the cold dark of the night. The body abruptly dropped to the ground floor of the dark abyss. As its constraining ropes snapped. The guests smirk as the torches begin to burn a bright slowly being doused with a tint of a black exterior that seemed to be fighting the light for a chance to spread its hate throughout the crowd. The crowd seemed somewhat calmed by the display. There weren’t chaos of chairs being tossed aside to make way for scared people. There weren’t any worried features upon the faces of the occupants of the funeral. It could’ve even been said that they’d patiently sat in their seats waiting for the resolution of the bout. They must’ve seen it coming. They must’ve known the darkness would swallow up the light. They must’ve expected the darkness to start dancing around the burial grounds. The trail of flames was unmistakable. They danced about the grounds it had completely surrounded the place. As if it had finished its task the dark embers gathered and jumped into the tomb of the dead, leaving the ring of fire behind.
~Believe Me~
I’m trying to understand where this is coming from
I don’t want to have to not believe you.
I don’t want to have to fight for the truth to come out of you.
I don’t want to go through the pains of not knowing where the lies are being started.
The lies that tear apart great relationships.
The lies that tear apart relationships before they grow into what they are meant to be.
Where is it all supposed to go when the lies are settled?
Where is all of the deceit supposed to hide itself after the problems resolved?
How are the wounds supposed to heal after the battle that wasn’t meant to be fought?
Is there any way to rebuild a trust that wasn’t strong in the beginning?
Must we start anew with all things that are and were?
Believe me when I say I don’t want to lose you.
Believe me when I say I don’t want to lose any of you.
My friends.
My family.
My life is inexcusable.
My attitude inexcusable.
I know what I’ve done to deserve this.
I don’t want any of you in this fight.
I don’t want any of you to have to suffer through these blood, sweat, and tears for no reason.
Believe me when I say that all that is going on here will be worth it.
There will be something good coming out of this.
Even if it does just happen to come up in many years to come.
It will come.
It has to come.
This can’t be for nothing.
I refuse to allow all of this time to be wasted on childish feuds.
This must be a real case.
Our truths must be shown.
Our lies must be revealed.
We shall not give in to the hate for the terrors to come.
We will face them.
We have not the time to run from something we will have to fight in the end.
We will beat this.
There isn’t anything it can do to stop this force.
There is nothing it can do to stop the intensity of this feeling.
When we all ban together for the better of our being it can’t fight all of the feelings.
It isn’t made to fight all of our feelings.
It is meant to fight the fear, the hate, the despair, the anguish, and the distrust.
We must trust each other.
The bonds must be strengthened.
We can’t go through this alone.
We won’t have to.
There’ll have to be help along the way.
Where from?
I don’t know.
I may not even know when it comes.
It might come by surprise and catch us all off guard.
It may creep into our systems and consume us whole.
Making us stronger, better, faster, more capable to deal with our threat.
We will have the power.
It is all in the mind what we want to achieve.
If we don’t agree it won’t kill us.
We don’t have to agree on everything.
We just need to have some type of common ground.
Where are we going to meet?
How are we going to face our threat?
Will we be together in spirit but alone in the physical world?
The comatose of our physical embodiments doesn’t end the battle.
The enemy will try to cripple us.
The enemy will probably succeed in doing so.
But the enemy can’t destroy us.
We can heal ourselves.
Our minds together are far stronger than its existence.
It will be a fight to the end.
A fight that we can’t lose.
A fight that will take almost all that is us.
In the end we will stand victorious.
In the end the enemy will be crumpled upon its confinement.
There will be nowhere for it to run.
There will be nowhere for it to hide.
We will change it.
We will help it become what we wish it to be.
It will be molded into something better.
It will be molded into a being with us.
A part of us that we will never let go.
A part of us that will remain with us forever.
A memory of the times we’ve spent together.
A memory of the trials and tribulations we’ve succeeded in.
When this all reaches it final resting we will have strengthened our bonds.
When the final resting comes we’ll pass on our blood, sweat, and tears to our children.
We will be happy.
Just believe me.
~Too Much to Feel~
The feelings running around inside of me tell me to go forward.
It tells me to just go for it.
Not caring what the outcome will be.
Just hoping that it’ll make me happy.
It tells me to just try it out.
Thinking of ways to make myself get into a good state of mind.
Trying to make me believe that I’m good enough for you.
Is anyone good enough for you?
This is true that you are not a god.
This is true that you might not be the best of the best of the best in some people’s eyes but you are great to me.
There is no doubt about it.
If you didn’t deserve the feelings I have for you, you wouldn’t get them.
You’d never even know how I felt.
I wouldn’t even fully understand.
I wouldn’t even fully care until it was too late.
I don’t want that to happen.
I don’t want to get in the way of your happiness.
I know there are going to be times that even when we are together things are going to be hard but they won’t be as hard.
We are supposed to help each other get through those things.
It makes us stronger.
I never wanted to hurt you if I did or do for that matter.
It’s not like I’m just that ignorant that I know no better than to leave you alone.
I think it is quite the opposite.
I think that if I don’t tell you how I feel that I will just end up regretting it and I’ll let the question of what it could have been eat me up.
Maybe there never can and never will be anything like that in between us.
That doesn’t mean I can’t hope and dream.
It doesn’t seem logical to even feel things like this for you.
It doesn’t seem like there should be anything between us at all aside from walls.
I’m the type of person that just seems to piss you off a lot but still manages to make you smile.
How?
I’m really still trying to figure that out.
You make me smile.
It is an amazing thing.
You just being near me makes me smile.
Even if it isn’t the biggest smile.
You make me shine on the inside.
Right now you are my sunshine.
Almost my only sunshine.
Almost my only shooting star.
If I don’t make a wish on that falling star then maybe I’m too much of a fool to realize what I really want.
If I don’t take the time to watch that sun rise maybe I care not for what I’ll be doing for the rest of my mornings.
It seems as though I can’t make myself stop thinking about you.
When I try it just makes me think more about you.
It makes me think more about your smile.
It makes me think more about how brightly your beautiful eyes shine.
It makes me wonder what I ever did to even be in your presence.
Such a creature just can’t be wasted.
Such a creature isn’t meant to be abused as you are.
Do you know that every time you’re near, everybody else seems far away.
So can you come and make them disappear?
Can you make them disappear?
I almost just want to sit on a roof and watch the sun rise with you in my arms.
I almost want to have you with me when that shooting star flies by so I can grasp your hand tightly.
The imagery of the ways things could be almost scares me but not as much as it should.
I feel the screen keeping my feelings in deteriorating.
I feel the feelings becoming stronger than it can handle.
I know there’s nothing else that I could say to change how you feel for me right now.
I just wanted to put it out there.
There are so many feelings.
So many things that aren’t really understood.
Like they are breaking out of their cage.
~Out of Control~
My mind is out of control.
Random thoughts rolling around in my membrane.
Like they can’t really be contained.
There is nowhere else for them to go.
They are locked in my cage of a brain.
Like insanely angry primates they are fighting to find a way out.
They know what’s really going on upstairs.
They know what’s going on with the pounding in my chest.
They have the understanding of my body like I may never know.
I don’t really want to unlock those energies just yet.
I want to find a way to harness that power.
I don’t think the thoughts running rapid everywhere will help anyone.
It definitely will not help me.
I think I’m a wreck right now.
Just wait until then.
I’ll be more than a wreck.
I’ll be a frickin’ catastrophe.
Wrecking information highways.
Will it be worse than what drugs can do?
Maybe…
Maybe not…
I’ll find out someway.
I’ll find out somehow.
That’s just the way things are.
It’ll just take a while for it all to compute in my brain.
That fragile containment system of mine.
It knows not what it does for me.
It is such a great use.
Even if I don’t like it all of the time.
There will be times when the only way I can get away from the real world is to lock myself in the world my brain creates.
It gives me unfinished business to finish.
It gives me moments in time to watch.
It gives me movies of how things should be in the future.
It gives me hope for things that just don’t seem reasonable.
It tells me what the next step on treasure map will be.
It tells me when the next turn on the tracks will be.
It helps me navigate through the evils and destructions within myself.
It helps me repair damage that might’ve been unfixable if left alone to combust.
The mind is a fragile thing.
The only thing that keeps it somewhat stable is that it knows its limits… most of the time.
Sometimes I’ll overstep it’s boundaries but it’ll tell me when it happens.
Its thoughts threaten to knock down its walls.
One slip up in its defenses and I could be lost to my own creations forever.
We just can’t have that now can we?
The laughs of my inner self continue to be consuming me.
Its just too out of control.
~One Small Touch~
It might’ve been your soft, smooth skin pushing past me but I just can’t stop watching you move.
I can’t help but wish I could make your body quiver.
I can’t help the thoughts of forbidden pleasures that we could have.
In a place inaccessible to anyone else.
One touch from you has sent me into spirals of confusion.
It is like I just don’t know what to do with my own insanity.
It’s so hard to contain myself now that I know what it’s like.
What it’s like to feel your tender kiss.
What it’s like to have your hand in mine.
Hoping and praying for a glimpse of the future that is to come.
I wish there was some way to be older.
A way for us to be together without restrictions of the rest of the world.
Wishing can’t hurt us.
But your one small touch can turn our worlds upside down.
~My Reason~
Girl o’ girl o’ girl
You might actually be my match here on this.
I didn’t know that I could be more angry with myself about something that someone else wrote than I was when I read your note.
I didn’t want to seem secretive.
In no way shape or form did I want it to turn into this.
I could see that you liked another.
I just didn’t think I had a chance in hell against him.
I wanted things to be easy on you when it came to the choices you had to make.
You were the one that I would fight for even though I knew it was against my better judgment.
I don’t care about that.
I still would go against many to most of my morals to stand by your side.
The only problem is that I wouldn’t be that same person that I used to be.
The person that you may or may not like.
Maybe I need to change.
Could that be what you want?
Seriously.
That would just mess with me a lot.
I’ve changed before.
Subconsciously.
I didn’t even know I was doing it.
It was like all I wanted to do was be good enough and yet I still couldn’t be her equivalent of a worm in her presence.
I always seem to blend in with the surroundings.
I just become part of the scenery.
Trying so hard to stand out that I actually become invisible.
There was no way to reverse that.
No matter what I did after that it didn’t seem to matter.
If I changed again into what I used to be it would seem like one of my changes
If I stayed the same I continued to be invisible.
If I ceased to care then I wouldn’t have the problem anymore.
But another problem would arise.
What was the point of my being then?
What was I supposed to be doing?
Schoolwork?
Job work?
Neither truly appealed to me.
The school work just seemed to be busy work to piss me off and it seemed like no job would work.
Was I fighting myself to get something to think about?
Yes.
That was my problem.
Me, myself, and I.
It was like if I couldn’t concentrate on her what was I going to concentrate on?
It didn’t matter.
It wasn’t healthy to pursue such an endeavor that was meant to be failed.
So I stopped.
I stopped running the losing race.
I stopped fighting the losing battle.
I stopped playing cards with a losing hand.
Nothing else mattered to me.
I just seemed to fade out of existence for a while.
That was the way I liked it.
It gave me a solitary place to think.
It gave me time to read.
It gave me understanding of what I was like on the inside.
I looked hard for my reason for living.
It mattered not to me after many hours of searching.
I just knew that wanting to be with someone gave me drive.
Drive to be a good person.
Drive to get my work done.
Drive to clean my room.
Drive to make the work of my teachers easier.
I’ve been looking to get that drive back.
Here you are and I can’t seem to get it out what I really want to say to you.
It’s funny really.
It really does seem that the reason for me, is you.
~The Call~
I called for you last night.
Without a single thing in my mind to say.
All I wanted to do was hear your voice.
Hear your smile.
You weren’t there.
I guess it was my fault.
I should’ve known you wouldn’t be there.
Just because I wanted to call.
I didn’t seem to worry me though.
I don’t think I knew what voice I would hear on the other side of the line.
Maybe a fake number.
It would hurt a bit but would still be funny to some extent.
But no.
It was your number.
Your mother answered the phone.
I don’t even remember what I said.
I just rambled on a bit and she ended the conversation subtly by telling me you weren’t home.
That’s all good though.
I’ll get a chance to talk with you later.
That call will be interesting.
~*Abandoned*~
“I’m doing the best I ever did. I’m doing the best that I can.”
A kid abandoned at the age of 14 years old, by a mother addicted to crack cocaine tells himself as he sits in his clean corner of his clean room. He doesn’t go through the rest of the house anymore. It’s too dirty. He doesn’t have the time to clean it. He wants to not have the memories of the mother that left him there. He wants to not harbor the pain of watching his father shot down by the police as he reached out to get his license and registration. He wished to be free of all consequence for all he has been through. He knows not what he is to be doing with his life. He goes to school and speaks not. He doesn’t go on the field trips. He doesn’t get free lunch. He doesn’t hang out with the rest of the kids. He just does his work and goes home to his corner to reflect. There is someone that leaves him food in front of his house once a week. He puts it in the cabinet he made from some loose boards that were around the house. Sticks to his second floor bedroom for he fears what the rest of the house will do to him if he ventures into it. When he leaves the house in the morning he leaves in a hurry. When he comes in, in the afternoon he does so slowly and quietly, so as not to offset the balance of the home to many insects and rodents. He does not wish to provoke them into attacking him. He does not wish to be found. His teacher sent an inspector out to the house one day. The inspector was so astounded by the wreckage they didn’t notice the kid slip out behind them. Never to return to his humble abode again. Never to return to that small school again. For when he exited his home looking behind him he didn’t see the incredibly large Mack truck speeding towards him. The driver had just spilled his just bought coffee in his lap and had gone to pat down himself when the child went in front of him. His foot had been pressed heavily upon the accelerator when the coffee splashed on him. When he looked up after hitting the kid he screeched to a halt and wretched all over the seat next to him. The kid had been severed half with the size and force the truck came at him with. The bottom half of the body lay motionless on the ground many yards behind the truck. It seemed to just have an endless amount of blood spilling out of it but nothing was worse than the view of the truck driver. The truck driver was faced with the upper half of the body laying on the hood of this truck. Seemingly looking him in the eyes. The child’s eyes, ears, mouth, and nose dripping blood. The rest of the blood seemed to being flushing itself out through the waistline that no longer existed.
~Masquerade~
We act differently around different groups of people in different environments.
Why do we do it?
Is it for the need to be accepted?
Is it the need to not be rejected?
Is it the want of life and not wanting to be shunned from all things that we have deemed important.
We worry about things that matter not in the future.
The only things that really seem to matter are the grades you get.
The discipline you had during your time in school.
And how you influenced the people around you.
Why do we walk around with false impressions all over us all of the time?
Why can’t we show our real selves wherever we go?
Is it a crime to be real?
Wait a second there.
It just might be a felony.
Maybe as low as a misdemeanor.
Does that really matter, though?
Does any of it really matter?
If we didn’t have to wear these masks for this masquerade could we really be happy?