Namaste
Fuck, I hope you understand what a outstanding privilege this is, to have access to my innermost - well, everything. It's reached a point that I'm starting to express things that I kind of, sort of, mostly want to actually keep to myself... And yet this is my only space to release such thoughts, and since I've given you permission, I'm not suddenly going to restrict it.
I want so very badly to play dirty. I want to behave like a child, to stomp and scream until I get the attention that I want. At this moment, right now, I am truly craving your company. Not because I am lonely, or because I need you, but because I truly just want to occupy the same space. I know I care about you because I want to be around you when I'm happy, not just when I'm having an emotional catastrophe.
I learned something tonight, information that I've always had easy access to and never thought to look at before. For me... it's sort of changed things. God, everything's so fucked up. Convoluted and confusing. I know what I want, and yet I don't know what I'd do if I had it. It would be so very, very nice if I wasn't trapped in my own head... What I would do to know what anyone else here is thinking.
Every time I call my best friend, I swear I can hear him shaking his head. He laughs and basically we come to the same conclusion, which boils down to "Everyone is a motherfucker." I probably shouldn't mess with anyone's life, but once in a while I'd like to just be a roaringly selfish bitch and get what I want. I think.
Today was nice. I need a wealthy benefactor so badly. There is so much that I want to do for other people, and having to waste so much time working and going to school simply gets in the way. I won't lie; it would be nice if I could actually just take a day to clear my head sometimes, too, and not worry about the financial repercussions. Mostly, thought, I'd like to spend my days like I did today...
I took the day off and went to the retirement & rehab community on the other side of town. The summer picnic/party was taking place, and the residents in the Memory Care Unit that had no family visiting needed assistance. "Assistance" mostly consisted of pushing their wheel chairs, narrating their surroundings, and attempting to un-jumble their word soup. I don't even know how to write about the experience. Basically, I felt absurdly awkward for the first chunk of time, which is pretty much the same way I feel around children. I'm very uncomfortable interacting with all people, but new people in particular. I rely on raunchy stories and scandalous language as a crutch, because it makes people laugh and that helps me relax. When that's taken out of the equation, I'm, well, fucking fucked.
There were moments early on that were so gorgeous that I can't even discuss them without sounding like a mortifying cliche. One lady was just so pleased to go outside and look at the flowers. Another loved the sparkly pin she won in the game room. It wasn't until I saw my favorite resident, though, that I really relaxed... There's a guy named Mac who used to have red hair (he's adamant that he still does) who I'd like to take home with me. For inexplicable reasons, I absolutely adore him. Ever the gentleman, he invited me to sit and have lunch with him, where he very seriously told me that he'd never won a game in his life (yet somehow had quite a few prizes from the game room in tow...).
And Dorris. Oh, Dorris. She broke my heart. I had to keep reminding myself that even though she repeatedly whispered to me "I'm scared," she wasn't actually scared, her brain was just fixated on that phrase. She was just so sweet, though, and regardless of whether or not she was really scared, I didn't want her to be alone. The nurses told me that Dorris doesn't get visitors, except on very rare occasions, so I spent the afternoon with her. I was planning on leaving around 1, but I sat with Dorris for almost three hours. I just rubbed her back and talked quietly with her... Although mostly she just wanted to sit there in silence, every so often telling me how wonderful I was to her.
Another lady, whose name I don't recall, wheeled right up to my other side and grabbed my hand. I held her hand for an hour or so, at which point she fell asleep. And a third lady, who I absolutely adored, wheeled up just as enthusiastically and indulged me in conspiracy stories for several hours. Mostly, I rubbed Dorris's back while this third lady told me that the doctors steal the patients coats and blood for some impending event, and that Mac is a spy from China (Mac is a very, very white man), and that soon someone would be along to take my blood as well. A lot of what she said was technically made up of words, but didn't form sentences, so mostly I took my cues from her expressions and responded accordingly.
For some reason, it's hard for me to write about the whole experience. Strangely, it's almost too personal for me to even continue to go over... even in discussing with myself? I probably just need sleep, and more extensive time to process. So much has been going on in all arenas of my life lately, and my sleep has been very poor, which means my processing capabilities have been at a minimum.
I'd be more excited about the weekend if I didn't have to do my midterm project. Then again, at least I'm at the midterm point. I have about three weeks between the summer semester ending and the fall semester beginning... I really, really want to go somewhere, every for a two day trip, in between. I have to put more effort into figuring that out. Particularly if I'm serious about getting my next tattoo soon. Immediately, really.
Love and love and love.
Goodnight.
I want so very badly to play dirty. I want to behave like a child, to stomp and scream until I get the attention that I want. At this moment, right now, I am truly craving your company. Not because I am lonely, or because I need you, but because I truly just want to occupy the same space. I know I care about you because I want to be around you when I'm happy, not just when I'm having an emotional catastrophe.
I learned something tonight, information that I've always had easy access to and never thought to look at before. For me... it's sort of changed things. God, everything's so fucked up. Convoluted and confusing. I know what I want, and yet I don't know what I'd do if I had it. It would be so very, very nice if I wasn't trapped in my own head... What I would do to know what anyone else here is thinking.
Every time I call my best friend, I swear I can hear him shaking his head. He laughs and basically we come to the same conclusion, which boils down to "Everyone is a motherfucker." I probably shouldn't mess with anyone's life, but once in a while I'd like to just be a roaringly selfish bitch and get what I want. I think.
Today was nice. I need a wealthy benefactor so badly. There is so much that I want to do for other people, and having to waste so much time working and going to school simply gets in the way. I won't lie; it would be nice if I could actually just take a day to clear my head sometimes, too, and not worry about the financial repercussions. Mostly, thought, I'd like to spend my days like I did today...
I took the day off and went to the retirement & rehab community on the other side of town. The summer picnic/party was taking place, and the residents in the Memory Care Unit that had no family visiting needed assistance. "Assistance" mostly consisted of pushing their wheel chairs, narrating their surroundings, and attempting to un-jumble their word soup. I don't even know how to write about the experience. Basically, I felt absurdly awkward for the first chunk of time, which is pretty much the same way I feel around children. I'm very uncomfortable interacting with all people, but new people in particular. I rely on raunchy stories and scandalous language as a crutch, because it makes people laugh and that helps me relax. When that's taken out of the equation, I'm, well, fucking fucked.
There were moments early on that were so gorgeous that I can't even discuss them without sounding like a mortifying cliche. One lady was just so pleased to go outside and look at the flowers. Another loved the sparkly pin she won in the game room. It wasn't until I saw my favorite resident, though, that I really relaxed... There's a guy named Mac who used to have red hair (he's adamant that he still does) who I'd like to take home with me. For inexplicable reasons, I absolutely adore him. Ever the gentleman, he invited me to sit and have lunch with him, where he very seriously told me that he'd never won a game in his life (yet somehow had quite a few prizes from the game room in tow...).
And Dorris. Oh, Dorris. She broke my heart. I had to keep reminding myself that even though she repeatedly whispered to me "I'm scared," she wasn't actually scared, her brain was just fixated on that phrase. She was just so sweet, though, and regardless of whether or not she was really scared, I didn't want her to be alone. The nurses told me that Dorris doesn't get visitors, except on very rare occasions, so I spent the afternoon with her. I was planning on leaving around 1, but I sat with Dorris for almost three hours. I just rubbed her back and talked quietly with her... Although mostly she just wanted to sit there in silence, every so often telling me how wonderful I was to her.
Another lady, whose name I don't recall, wheeled right up to my other side and grabbed my hand. I held her hand for an hour or so, at which point she fell asleep. And a third lady, who I absolutely adored, wheeled up just as enthusiastically and indulged me in conspiracy stories for several hours. Mostly, I rubbed Dorris's back while this third lady told me that the doctors steal the patients coats and blood for some impending event, and that Mac is a spy from China (Mac is a very, very white man), and that soon someone would be along to take my blood as well. A lot of what she said was technically made up of words, but didn't form sentences, so mostly I took my cues from her expressions and responded accordingly.
For some reason, it's hard for me to write about the whole experience. Strangely, it's almost too personal for me to even continue to go over... even in discussing with myself? I probably just need sleep, and more extensive time to process. So much has been going on in all arenas of my life lately, and my sleep has been very poor, which means my processing capabilities have been at a minimum.
I'd be more excited about the weekend if I didn't have to do my midterm project. Then again, at least I'm at the midterm point. I have about three weeks between the summer semester ending and the fall semester beginning... I really, really want to go somewhere, every for a two day trip, in between. I have to put more effort into figuring that out. Particularly if I'm serious about getting my next tattoo soon. Immediately, really.
Love and love and love.
Goodnight.