a brief taste of "hetero" dysfunction
what an experience it's been. waste of hours and emotional energy trying to turn things over and over in my head. our friend was screaming at me on the phone last night; i finally cut ties with him.
i think i should have insisted on chat or email or something; i always shut down when confronted with his contemptuous body language/voice. i'm not good at this stuff; i am so used to arguing about racism. i have to like, rely on lucullean and straight friends explain this stuff to me. haha.
i got a curt apology for yesterday's comment; he didn't see it as part of an ongoing dynamic. it was hard to really point out the undercurrent of disrespect. there was always this underlying attitude of "if you don't like it, leave". he's screamed at me before - "if i don't care, then why did i come over at midnight when you were upset!" i put food on the table for our childrenz! ::fist pound:: what do you want from me, lady? his awareness of gender/patriarchy revolved around his bitterness about being hassled for effeminacy. it always went back to issues of masculinity/inadequacy. his resentment of other vain men was the subject of conversation when i was having panic attacks that night. he asked me then if i wanted to lie on his lap and then proceeded to joke that "queer women are confusing". he would jump on other people's language and terms like "weak"/"strong", but didn't hesitate to deride a woman as "crazy". was always commenting on the looks of random women (and men, he angrily argued) he found attractive - it was apparently just my problem if i didn't like it.
it's so much more slippery and maddening when it comes from a leftist man who's read gender theory, owns being attracted to other men and assumes he's above critique. he took up a lot of space. would go on and on about himself unselfconsciously. after i pointed it out, he started to insistently ask me what i think in this demanding, obligatory way, and i'd clam up. this is someone who's always sizing people up, fancies himself this intellectual who everyone is in awe of, goes on about the compliments he gets. he would ask me if i felt "intimidated" when i became really quiet - most likely assuming it was about his massive intellect and not the offensive way he carries himself.
i stuck around for too long because i couldn't quite explain to myself what was fundamentally wrong. i was sleep deprived and massively vulnerable most of the semester, not really up for debates. i feel disappointed and angry at myself. i had felt troubled throughout this thing by my sudden inability to defend myself adequately, even considered sending an email writing out what i had been holding back after the phone call. I slept strangely well afterward, although i woke up feeling the pit of my stomach.
i think i should have insisted on chat or email or something; i always shut down when confronted with his contemptuous body language/voice. i'm not good at this stuff; i am so used to arguing about racism. i have to like, rely on lucullean and straight friends explain this stuff to me. haha.
i got a curt apology for yesterday's comment; he didn't see it as part of an ongoing dynamic. it was hard to really point out the undercurrent of disrespect. there was always this underlying attitude of "if you don't like it, leave". he's screamed at me before - "if i don't care, then why did i come over at midnight when you were upset!" i put food on the table for our childrenz! ::fist pound:: what do you want from me, lady? his awareness of gender/patriarchy revolved around his bitterness about being hassled for effeminacy. it always went back to issues of masculinity/inadequacy. his resentment of other vain men was the subject of conversation when i was having panic attacks that night. he asked me then if i wanted to lie on his lap and then proceeded to joke that "queer women are confusing". he would jump on other people's language and terms like "weak"/"strong", but didn't hesitate to deride a woman as "crazy". was always commenting on the looks of random women (and men, he angrily argued) he found attractive - it was apparently just my problem if i didn't like it.
it's so much more slippery and maddening when it comes from a leftist man who's read gender theory, owns being attracted to other men and assumes he's above critique. he took up a lot of space. would go on and on about himself unselfconsciously. after i pointed it out, he started to insistently ask me what i think in this demanding, obligatory way, and i'd clam up. this is someone who's always sizing people up, fancies himself this intellectual who everyone is in awe of, goes on about the compliments he gets. he would ask me if i felt "intimidated" when i became really quiet - most likely assuming it was about his massive intellect and not the offensive way he carries himself.
i stuck around for too long because i couldn't quite explain to myself what was fundamentally wrong. i was sleep deprived and massively vulnerable most of the semester, not really up for debates. i feel disappointed and angry at myself. i had felt troubled throughout this thing by my sudden inability to defend myself adequately, even considered sending an email writing out what i had been holding back after the phone call. I slept strangely well afterward, although i woke up feeling the pit of my stomach.