When did I allow myself to lose "me"?
When did I lose "me"?
I just don't know. Perhaps around the age of 13 it started. There were so many things I knew intuitively about life and the whole of everything when I was a child and no one thought me those things, they simply were there.
Then through the pain of not fitting in, I allowed myself to be compromised. This is hard to admit because I have never fit in with others. I have always been an odd sort of bird and I thought that alone assured me of free thought and yet it did not. Often I sold bits of inner myself away in order to gain love and acceptance.
I have to admit now that I did take on many of our culture's pre-packaged ideas and allowed them to fall like a covering, a veil over my own until eventually I "lost" myself. It is such a painful admission to make.
Sometime around 30 the pain of being separated in this way from myself became too much to bear and it was either go crazy or start to break out of the mental shackles I allowed to be placed on myself and to start to find and pick up the missing pieces of myself.
I am still engaged in this process and oh how the pain of the urge to reconnect with true self bears on be at times. I am so limited physically and occasionally mentally by this dammed illness and it makes the search so much harder and also harder to bear because I cannot engage in very much physical activity to distract myself from this inner call.
There are no certain guideposts and a lifetime's training to seek with the head and not the heart is a hindrance to me. I am still deprogramming myself from that. The only way to go is through intuition and heart, feeling with discernment. I find that philosophy, science, psychology... yes these things are helpful in their limited ways, but the truest, most satisfying connections I have made, the times when I find myself facing my inner self most clearly come through music and literature. There archetypes and symbols speak to me in my own inner language and I find myself speaking back in my own unique inner voice answering kindred spirits separated by time and distance but linked somehow in the heart.
I just don't know. Perhaps around the age of 13 it started. There were so many things I knew intuitively about life and the whole of everything when I was a child and no one thought me those things, they simply were there.
Then through the pain of not fitting in, I allowed myself to be compromised. This is hard to admit because I have never fit in with others. I have always been an odd sort of bird and I thought that alone assured me of free thought and yet it did not. Often I sold bits of inner myself away in order to gain love and acceptance.
I have to admit now that I did take on many of our culture's pre-packaged ideas and allowed them to fall like a covering, a veil over my own until eventually I "lost" myself. It is such a painful admission to make.
Sometime around 30 the pain of being separated in this way from myself became too much to bear and it was either go crazy or start to break out of the mental shackles I allowed to be placed on myself and to start to find and pick up the missing pieces of myself.
I am still engaged in this process and oh how the pain of the urge to reconnect with true self bears on be at times. I am so limited physically and occasionally mentally by this dammed illness and it makes the search so much harder and also harder to bear because I cannot engage in very much physical activity to distract myself from this inner call.
There are no certain guideposts and a lifetime's training to seek with the head and not the heart is a hindrance to me. I am still deprogramming myself from that. The only way to go is through intuition and heart, feeling with discernment. I find that philosophy, science, psychology... yes these things are helpful in their limited ways, but the truest, most satisfying connections I have made, the times when I find myself facing my inner self most clearly come through music and literature. There archetypes and symbols speak to me in my own inner language and I find myself speaking back in my own unique inner voice answering kindred spirits separated by time and distance but linked somehow in the heart.