this is about as social as I get now.
I actually thought I was getting better. How foolish of me.
My gastritis feels like it did when it first started, practically. I honestly felt no pain whatsoever for about 2 weeks or so. I seriously thought I wouldn't need to get a refill on my acid blockers. But ever since I went home last week it's been hurting like it did before. On top of that, I'm feeling pain in my legs and all over my body sometimes (the pains I get when I have the flu or something). Then there's headaches. And feelings of depression. And crying. And worrying. And even some hypochondria now and then. Fear that they will never figure out what's wrong with me. Fear of being sick forever. Fear of dying.
Maybe it's because this whole wedding planning nonsense is very much against my nature. My fear of talking to people on the phone has caused me to wait until the last minute on very important matters. It has caused me not to really say what it is that I want to happen. I have no motivation to complete tasks because the completion of one thing is rewarded by the need to finish yet another agonizing task.
Lately I've been regretting transferring to UCI. I just can't seem to make friends as easily as I did at UCSB. During freshman year, my mindset was "okay, you only get one shot at this. You need to be outgoing and make friends or else it will be like VCS all over again. You're not 100 miles away from your past just to mess it up now". And, to my own amazement, it actually worked. And, not surprisingly, I do not keep in touch with anyone up there now that I'm back down here. All of my energy was spent making friends in Santa Barbara, and now that I have experienced being a "new student" twice in the past three years, I just can't seem to pull myself together and find the energy to occasionally be extroverted. The most disgustingly pathetic thing is that I know that if I did so, it will be for the better. It won't hurt as much as I think it will.
And none of this is fair to Jon.
..or to myself.
My gastritis feels like it did when it first started, practically. I honestly felt no pain whatsoever for about 2 weeks or so. I seriously thought I wouldn't need to get a refill on my acid blockers. But ever since I went home last week it's been hurting like it did before. On top of that, I'm feeling pain in my legs and all over my body sometimes (the pains I get when I have the flu or something). Then there's headaches. And feelings of depression. And crying. And worrying. And even some hypochondria now and then. Fear that they will never figure out what's wrong with me. Fear of being sick forever. Fear of dying.
Maybe it's because this whole wedding planning nonsense is very much against my nature. My fear of talking to people on the phone has caused me to wait until the last minute on very important matters. It has caused me not to really say what it is that I want to happen. I have no motivation to complete tasks because the completion of one thing is rewarded by the need to finish yet another agonizing task.
Lately I've been regretting transferring to UCI. I just can't seem to make friends as easily as I did at UCSB. During freshman year, my mindset was "okay, you only get one shot at this. You need to be outgoing and make friends or else it will be like VCS all over again. You're not 100 miles away from your past just to mess it up now". And, to my own amazement, it actually worked. And, not surprisingly, I do not keep in touch with anyone up there now that I'm back down here. All of my energy was spent making friends in Santa Barbara, and now that I have experienced being a "new student" twice in the past three years, I just can't seem to pull myself together and find the energy to occasionally be extroverted. The most disgustingly pathetic thing is that I know that if I did so, it will be for the better. It won't hurt as much as I think it will.
And none of this is fair to Jon.
..or to myself.