(no subject)
Having trouble sleeping and I miss rachel so much i want to go to her house and wait for her even if it takes days and i have this secret knowledge that my conscience knows is one of those things that you just don't tell anyone because that's the respectful thing to do because i'm not supposed to know but i want to curl up with someone and tell them and have them talk with me about it so i can understand and then maybe they'll forget but i know it would be wrong to tell. nicole is like my sister and in this way i want to tell her but she is so busy this week but i know she's close enough to the family to be trusted with this even though i'm not supposed to know but if i know then it's okay for nicole to know only no one knows that i've found out. rachel i miss you. i want to break rules and find you and tell you things and we'll be good again and i understand what's going on. is it too late to go find you? and meredith is such a good kid, i mean she has so much going for her and then i got so lonely when she left....all i want to do is talk to people i'm closest to but not inconvenience them with a phone call or a whiney email and they say phone calls wont inconvenience them but really it's not the same and mike wouldn't understand and his advice is bullshit and all hindsight anyway. i got so lonely and worried that i did my homework leaning against my mom's leg. i tried hard not to cry when she pulled her legs off of my lap and curled into a c. i was only able to control myself when she slid her feet down to rest her toes against me.