All the best....
Dear Father,
Someday, I'd hoped we would be able to sit down and talk. As the days of not talking have turned into years, I am beginning to suspect this probably won't be the case. So a couple of things.
You are a crazy, messed up, dangerous, ridiculous man. I've never met anyone with the capacity to neglect others and not be bothered by it.... You're the first... You have the most dual personality I've ever seen. You're the most caring, generous, understanding, terrible, manipulative, selfish person I've ever known.
You understand me like no one else does. Perhaps it's the DNA connection, perhaps it's the fact that we share the same type of crazy. But you do. I could always talk to you when I felt particularly insane, and I knew you would understand.
You cared about the small things in my life with such love and compassion, I have trouble believing my memories.
But the big things were unimportant to you. And the enormous things just didn't exist. There is a lot in between these two sentiments. But I'm sure I don't need to go through a whole history with you. We were both there.
The reason I send you a card every year, the reason I walk past your house and check if your lights are on is simply this- I choose to remember (as much as possible) all of the good things. It's a lot easier to remember the awful things. It hurts less when you don't call me at Christmas, or e-mail on my birthday.... But I like knowing that you were a part of my life for twenty years. I like knowing that there were some very good pieces in that.
I try not to think about my wedding.... and how I will explain your absence. I try not to think about what will happen if I invite your brothers, and not you. I try not to think about inviting you and you saying no. .. or just never responding.
I wonder what I'll tell my kids... They'll ask after you. I want them to know you like I remember you.. But I can't tell them you've died, because someday, for a security clearance, or school project it will come up. .... and I will have to explain then. I don't want to say you never existed. .. that seems incalculable to me.
I don't understand how this is for you.. I don't know how you've learned to cope with losing all of us. I wonder if you think about me sometimes, and wonder how I'm doing. Do you think of me and wish you had the words to fix this for us? Have you convinced yourself that this is my fault? That you're better off without me.....
I also wonder if you know the harm you've done... The fact that I am twenty four years old and writing a letter to you, that I will never send, on my livejournal... because I'm so sad that things have ended like this. I wonder if you know how scewed my concept of love is, because of your inability to love in an uncomplicated way.
It has taken a few years of therapy, and I'm still working on it, but I'm understanding more. I'm understanding why I am the way I am... I wouldn't change any of it...This is the way it was meant to be... I just wish I could be who I am, with a father who exists outside of rose-coloured memories.
No one knows what happens behind closed doors- so it's just you and me that know the true, sordid history of our relationship... But I would like you to know that I miss you, and i hope you're happy... but that I can' t handle you coming back into my life if you can't take some responsibility, and if you don't work to have me back.
So please, as sad as it is, don't send me a half-assed Christmas e-mail. Don't leave me a message with no intentions of speaking to me. Just leave it alone, so I can carry on... until you're ready to die and have a heart to heart. ... and then maybe, we can make some peace.
So..... I suppose this is an I love you, an I miss you.. and a please stay away.... Apparently we are both very complicated. ............
Someday, I'd hoped we would be able to sit down and talk. As the days of not talking have turned into years, I am beginning to suspect this probably won't be the case. So a couple of things.
You are a crazy, messed up, dangerous, ridiculous man. I've never met anyone with the capacity to neglect others and not be bothered by it.... You're the first... You have the most dual personality I've ever seen. You're the most caring, generous, understanding, terrible, manipulative, selfish person I've ever known.
You understand me like no one else does. Perhaps it's the DNA connection, perhaps it's the fact that we share the same type of crazy. But you do. I could always talk to you when I felt particularly insane, and I knew you would understand.
You cared about the small things in my life with such love and compassion, I have trouble believing my memories.
But the big things were unimportant to you. And the enormous things just didn't exist. There is a lot in between these two sentiments. But I'm sure I don't need to go through a whole history with you. We were both there.
The reason I send you a card every year, the reason I walk past your house and check if your lights are on is simply this- I choose to remember (as much as possible) all of the good things. It's a lot easier to remember the awful things. It hurts less when you don't call me at Christmas, or e-mail on my birthday.... But I like knowing that you were a part of my life for twenty years. I like knowing that there were some very good pieces in that.
I try not to think about my wedding.... and how I will explain your absence. I try not to think about what will happen if I invite your brothers, and not you. I try not to think about inviting you and you saying no. .. or just never responding.
I wonder what I'll tell my kids... They'll ask after you. I want them to know you like I remember you.. But I can't tell them you've died, because someday, for a security clearance, or school project it will come up. .... and I will have to explain then. I don't want to say you never existed. .. that seems incalculable to me.
I don't understand how this is for you.. I don't know how you've learned to cope with losing all of us. I wonder if you think about me sometimes, and wonder how I'm doing. Do you think of me and wish you had the words to fix this for us? Have you convinced yourself that this is my fault? That you're better off without me.....
I also wonder if you know the harm you've done... The fact that I am twenty four years old and writing a letter to you, that I will never send, on my livejournal... because I'm so sad that things have ended like this. I wonder if you know how scewed my concept of love is, because of your inability to love in an uncomplicated way.
It has taken a few years of therapy, and I'm still working on it, but I'm understanding more. I'm understanding why I am the way I am... I wouldn't change any of it...This is the way it was meant to be... I just wish I could be who I am, with a father who exists outside of rose-coloured memories.
No one knows what happens behind closed doors- so it's just you and me that know the true, sordid history of our relationship... But I would like you to know that I miss you, and i hope you're happy... but that I can' t handle you coming back into my life if you can't take some responsibility, and if you don't work to have me back.
So please, as sad as it is, don't send me a half-assed Christmas e-mail. Don't leave me a message with no intentions of speaking to me. Just leave it alone, so I can carry on... until you're ready to die and have a heart to heart. ... and then maybe, we can make some peace.
So..... I suppose this is an I love you, an I miss you.. and a please stay away.... Apparently we are both very complicated. ............