i have some more things to say
i think i can remember every time i was at peace. or one with the tao. or whatever.
the first is the couple of weeks after val got back from michigan. even though i was fucking myself over with some things, like laura and well, every girl i met, it was the best time of my life. everyday i saw her and everyday we were together. all i remember is that we would hug, and we would make out, and we would have sex, and everyone knew but we thought we were getting away with it. and i was 14 and she was thirteen. i can honestly say that we were in love. and every since then ive been trying to duplicate those weeks. with every girl i think "could this happen again down the road?" and thats whats stopped me in the past. but of course, no regrets. i would not be me if these things had not happened. but thats besides the point. the point is i was in love and i have never known a happier time in my entire life.
the second is the day that changed my life. the first time i got really high and didnt have to go home. i was able to hang out in mikes basement and not have to worry about sobering up or anything. and i was lying on his floor really high listening to rx bandits for the first time. and i remember sitting up and looking at mike and saying "you know, if everyone chilled out the world wouldnt be so bad. everyone just needs to sit back and relax, if everyone did that things could be cool." of course i didnt know what i was talking about. i was hearing matt embree's voice and it was beautiful, i was hearing six people creating something as beautiful as the stars. theres love on that cd, between all six of them. matt sings about the world and how its not going to well. and he sings about the pain of losing his first love. and every single word he sings i felt. and its so gay to say, because youll never know, but he sung for me, and they played for me and i feel like my heart and soul is on that record. its kinda gay, i should write my own things right? whatever. that night was one of the best, and im fortunate that all the different things going on then came together that night.
so for that little time of my life, which i guess is the second half of tenth grade.......thank you sarah for "going out" with me for most of that year. i dont think i couldve grown like i did if i had felt as alone as i did in ninth grade, or as i do now. thanks mike and pete for being amazing friends. thanks brian, jono, matt, dion, big mike, and josh for getting us crucial shit and letting me space out so often. and thanks rx bandits for liberating me and giving me an outlet for everything that was brooding in my head.
none of these people read my journal, but it still feels good to write thank yous down, so whatever.
the third time was when me and ricky scored big time. we sat in the ditch, in the field, under the stars, and smoked a pregnant joint and got higher than we thought was possible with so little weed. and then for a half an hour i gazed at the stars and wondered. it was one of the best feelings ive ever had. all of a sudden i realized how small everyone is, how much nothing anyone does or says or thinks matters. i thought about how far away each star was. how some of those lights might have planets around them. how impossibly big the universe is. it was one of the most honest and beautiful moments of my life. it was "knowledgeless understanding."
the truth: i dont know anything. you dont know anything. noone knows anything. somehow everything around us happened and most of humanity is constantly searching for answers that they will never find. most of humanity is enslaved by a totalitarian system of government(yes even us) but IT DOESNT MATTER.
knowledgeless understanding is knowing that nothing matters and being ok with that. you understand that in no life time will anyone ever have an answer. but you are ok with that. "it is the only thing that tempted the gods"
"Speaking was difficult. Not because there was any physical impediment. It was just that speech seemed so fatuous, so totally pointless."
im really sorry to anyone who reads my journal. i should acknowledge that im being attention whore by even having a live journal, or a myspace, or anything written in my profile on aim. i should write all this down in a private journal for my viewing pleasure only. but maybe one day she will find this.
thank you for those two years. youve gone a bit more right. ive gone a bit more left. but for a while we were the same person. we learned how to hug together. we learned how to kiss together. we learned how to date together. we learned how to make the opposite sex orgasm together. most importantly, we learned how to love together. no, you dont learn that. we just did. thank you for every word you said and everything you did. thank you for everything. thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.
i dont even know why im still typing.
o yea the other time was during "decrescendo" at the rx bandits show.
have you ever felt what it is to be alone?
stop and think right now
have you ever been alone?
have you ever felt so cold?
stop and think right now
have you ever been so truly alone, so freezing cold?
something about singing that with all those people. the only thing i could see was her face. i thought i was free then, but im not.
it was inconsiderate of me to forget that she was alone before i was. seems ive made a few mistakes. no regrets.
i still dont know why im typing
the first is the couple of weeks after val got back from michigan. even though i was fucking myself over with some things, like laura and well, every girl i met, it was the best time of my life. everyday i saw her and everyday we were together. all i remember is that we would hug, and we would make out, and we would have sex, and everyone knew but we thought we were getting away with it. and i was 14 and she was thirteen. i can honestly say that we were in love. and every since then ive been trying to duplicate those weeks. with every girl i think "could this happen again down the road?" and thats whats stopped me in the past. but of course, no regrets. i would not be me if these things had not happened. but thats besides the point. the point is i was in love and i have never known a happier time in my entire life.
the second is the day that changed my life. the first time i got really high and didnt have to go home. i was able to hang out in mikes basement and not have to worry about sobering up or anything. and i was lying on his floor really high listening to rx bandits for the first time. and i remember sitting up and looking at mike and saying "you know, if everyone chilled out the world wouldnt be so bad. everyone just needs to sit back and relax, if everyone did that things could be cool." of course i didnt know what i was talking about. i was hearing matt embree's voice and it was beautiful, i was hearing six people creating something as beautiful as the stars. theres love on that cd, between all six of them. matt sings about the world and how its not going to well. and he sings about the pain of losing his first love. and every single word he sings i felt. and its so gay to say, because youll never know, but he sung for me, and they played for me and i feel like my heart and soul is on that record. its kinda gay, i should write my own things right? whatever. that night was one of the best, and im fortunate that all the different things going on then came together that night.
so for that little time of my life, which i guess is the second half of tenth grade.......thank you sarah for "going out" with me for most of that year. i dont think i couldve grown like i did if i had felt as alone as i did in ninth grade, or as i do now. thanks mike and pete for being amazing friends. thanks brian, jono, matt, dion, big mike, and josh for getting us crucial shit and letting me space out so often. and thanks rx bandits for liberating me and giving me an outlet for everything that was brooding in my head.
none of these people read my journal, but it still feels good to write thank yous down, so whatever.
the third time was when me and ricky scored big time. we sat in the ditch, in the field, under the stars, and smoked a pregnant joint and got higher than we thought was possible with so little weed. and then for a half an hour i gazed at the stars and wondered. it was one of the best feelings ive ever had. all of a sudden i realized how small everyone is, how much nothing anyone does or says or thinks matters. i thought about how far away each star was. how some of those lights might have planets around them. how impossibly big the universe is. it was one of the most honest and beautiful moments of my life. it was "knowledgeless understanding."
the truth: i dont know anything. you dont know anything. noone knows anything. somehow everything around us happened and most of humanity is constantly searching for answers that they will never find. most of humanity is enslaved by a totalitarian system of government(yes even us) but IT DOESNT MATTER.
knowledgeless understanding is knowing that nothing matters and being ok with that. you understand that in no life time will anyone ever have an answer. but you are ok with that. "it is the only thing that tempted the gods"
"Speaking was difficult. Not because there was any physical impediment. It was just that speech seemed so fatuous, so totally pointless."
im really sorry to anyone who reads my journal. i should acknowledge that im being attention whore by even having a live journal, or a myspace, or anything written in my profile on aim. i should write all this down in a private journal for my viewing pleasure only. but maybe one day she will find this.
thank you for those two years. youve gone a bit more right. ive gone a bit more left. but for a while we were the same person. we learned how to hug together. we learned how to kiss together. we learned how to date together. we learned how to make the opposite sex orgasm together. most importantly, we learned how to love together. no, you dont learn that. we just did. thank you for every word you said and everything you did. thank you for everything. thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.
i dont even know why im still typing.
o yea the other time was during "decrescendo" at the rx bandits show.
have you ever felt what it is to be alone?
stop and think right now
have you ever been alone?
have you ever felt so cold?
stop and think right now
have you ever been so truly alone, so freezing cold?
something about singing that with all those people. the only thing i could see was her face. i thought i was free then, but im not.
it was inconsiderate of me to forget that she was alone before i was. seems ive made a few mistakes. no regrets.
i still dont know why im typing