So I Guess I'm Back ... maybe?
Hooray ... right ... I have a blog ...
I know that this statement that I am going to say is utterly untrue, but being that it seems like most of my friends have deserted their online journals, they probably won't read this. Hahahaha! Right.
I don't like to tell people I don't trust about my "failures" or about the walls I've hit in life. I think that despite the fact that I am as American as apple pie, the traditional Chinese pride that my mother embodies has been inherently passed on to me. The only way anyone will know that I have been truly hurt, disappointed, or cut down, would be when I don't say anything about it. Hence, the contradiction of anyone truly knowing how I feel when I'm down. It's what I do to prevent any chance of anyone thinking, "I'm doing better! Ha!". Yes, that's probably only in my head, and admitting to my flaws makes me look human, blah blah blah ... Each individual does what he/she has to do to in order to get through their issues. So that would definitely explain my absence for the past few months.
I think the last any one heard from me on this journal was that I had just finished my show and I was happy with the outcome. While that was true on the artistic level, I was extremely frustrated and I was beating myself up over the fact that I was unable to land an agent or manager from the production. Granted, I've only been out of school for a little over a year and a half, but I'm a bit ambitious, what can I say? I mean, I got a couple of interviews, where I was told to lose weight. (I've been expecting to hear it, so really, it's not a big deal. And yes, I know that I'm not fat. It's not a personal comment, and I don't take it personally. Hollywood is too skinny these days and blah blah blah ... The question is, do I want to keep my ethics or do I want to work? Answer: I want to work.) So I took a break from life, for the most part. Aside from what ever socializing I did over the holidays, I secluded myself in my apartment and responded to e-mails and phone calls days after I got them, if I responded to them at all. I did audition here and there but severely cut down on the amount that I usually do when I'm not working on a project. I was lucky and landed a TV role, which will hopefully be broadcasted on Public Access out here sometime this spring. But other than that, didn't do anything.
While on many levels it was great because it gave me time to heal and nurse my disappointments, it was also horrible because it made me obsess about the status of my career. I just became very manic about it. To exacerbate my already agitated mental state, I didn't know what to do to appease myself. I felt like I was walking around in the dark and just constantly hitting walls while trying to find a flash light. By the time January came around, I felt like I was drowning. I was extremely restless and I was personally very irritated that my friends started having kids. While I was happy for those friends, I felt that life was just happening too quickly. Speaking from a selfish point of view, it felt like I was being abandoned and that I had no control of how my relationships were changing. Of course it's not exactly a rational way of thinking, but I recognized that this was how I felt.
I have to give props to my friends in Los Angeles, however! I could not thank you enough for constantly calling me to check up on me! The fact that you would take an hour or more out of your day to just talk to me was what kept me going and I am incredibly grateful!
Anyhoo, the fates finally kicked in for me and I landed a job. I had realized that since I decided that I will be definitely moving back to Los Angeles in August, I needed money to move. So I thought that I might as well be productive for now, and focus on getting an agent when I move to LA. It's not like I knew what to do to gain exposure to the industry in the first place, so procrastinating on it really didn't make any difference. Of course, once I started to pull myself out of my depressed funk, focus on money, and started to feel good about myself again, opportunities in the acting department started to pop up. (Because life's a bitch!) With the help of one of my NY friends (of who I hold very dear to my heart because she is one of the very few trusted people in NY who keeps my confidences) I have found myself back on the industry trail. This time, I'm not alone and am not walking in complete darkness. (Way to be cryptic, Simmone.) In any case, it's nice to have some kind of hope again. However, I am somewhat terrified because I don't want to crash and burn again like I had a few months ago. So we'll see what happens, and hopefully I'll have some kind of representation by the time I'm back in Los Angeles.
In the meantime, I'm actually extremely looking forward to moving back out west. I remember wanting to get away from South Pasadena at the end of high school. The odd thing is now I'm craving to come back to it and in many ways, I'm craving the bubble that the small town sheltered everyone with. At the same time, I am amused and irked at some of the thinking that is coming out of So. Pas. about the entertainment industry. I guess it comes with the territory of stalking SP people. I am happy to read about what they're doing with their lives, inspired as they document lessons they've learned towards living as an adult, and often bemused with what I think to be their delusions. For example, there is this one girl, her initials are VK and she graduated from SPHS 2006. I don't want to write her name down here because I'm petrified that she will find this journal if I do. I would not put it past her to google herself! No joke! She is THAT into herself. And her name isn't a common one so it wouldn't be long before she stumbles upon my rantings. For those who went to high school with me and have already heard me talk about her, you probably figured out who I'm referencing to the minute I mentioned her initials. For those who usually communicate with me via this journal or facebook, I'll give you a few more hints. One, she does have a facebook profile and she's constantly posting up pictures of her partying at various clubs in LA, Vegas, and especially the Playboy Mansion. She is Indian American (and probably was the only one in our grade when we graduated) and she fancies herself to be an awesome singer. If you want to hear her sing, click on the link below and you can formulate your own opinion:
Ah ha! Now you know who she is!!!!
If you're friends with her on facebook check out her page. It's a trip! I actually enjoy looking at her page because it's fun to vicariously live through her pictures. To be honest, I don't dislike this girl whatsoever. She cracks me up! But she does say on her page that "[She is] an up and coming artist. WATCH OUT!" She also says she's a model. *shrugs* But since another friend had informed me that this girl is taking singing lessons, I'm guessing that she's going to enter the entertainment industry as a singer. So I took the liberty to rake up some competition for her (granted, these two people are from NYU, but I might be a little biased. ;0P )
Competitor #1: My friend, Randy
I just think he's fucking amazing. He's definitely musical theatre, but his voice is just ... He's one of those people who's so talented that you just want to punch him. Randy may not directly be this girl's competition because he's a boy and not going into the music industry at the moment, but he is what I would consider as an up and coming artist. Basically, VK would want to get to where he is because, well, that's an existing level that she'd need to compete with.
Competitor #2: Meetu Chilana
http://www.meetuchilana.com/
I don't personally know this girl, but we do have friends in common. I came across her work while stalking our friends and I really like her stuff! She would definitely be competition for VK because Meetu is also Indian American, sings in English, Hindi, and Punjabi, and definitely has a pop/mainstream sound.
The most interesting song on Meetu's EP is the title track "I Am". I stole this from one of her press releases:
The title track, “I Am,” is a commentary on the culture and obsession of labeling
everyone, be it class, race or religion. In the chorus of the title track, Chilana uses her
soulful voice to articulate the need for acceptance of individuality; “I don't need you to
glorify me. I refuse to justify me. I believe I'm who I'm meant to be. I am who I am.”
Coincidently the name of the track is also somewhat of an acronym for “Indian
American.”
Just knowing the acronym adds an extra depth to the song, which is pretty cool! If you find the time to listen to Meetu, lemme know what you think!
Er, um, yeah, so GO VK! I do hope, though, that she quickly discovers the reality of how difficult it is to succeed in this business. And I sincerely hope that she doesn't get torn to shreds by the public or music industry people, like what's happening to Heidi Montag. I genuinely wish her luck with her journey through the shitty world of entertainment and hope she gets what she wants out of the whole experience. God knows it's difficult because all my actor friends and I are trudging forward through the muck in pursuit of our dreams.
IF YOU ARE STILL WITH ME, I COMMEND YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION SPAN!
It's comforting to remember that this is my journal because that means that I can be as long winded as I want!
My last thoughts of the day were provoked by another high school classmate. This kid was also part of the SPHS drama program, but graduated 3 years after I did. Being that his name is more common that VK's, I feel safe to say that his name is Joey. I stumbled upon his xanga by accident while reading the entries of friends that we have in common. His words are a constant reminder of where I came from and the mentalities that I am grateful to have been freed from. He wants to go into film and only now has he finally found a college that would admit him into their program. Up until now, he has never left South Pas. I have been following his blog for a few years and I was with him through his ups, downs, frustrations, projects, celebrations, etc through his entries. In a weird, impersonal way, I have become somewhat attached to him. I've never attempted to make any contact with him because one, I'm sure the Drama Nazi has brain washed him against me, and two, we were never friends to begin with. I would think that it's somewhat jarring to find that someone you don't really know nor care for is keeping up on the events of your life. I mean, it is somewhat invasive to know that strangers have the ability to stick their noses in your business, but then again, if the information is really all that private, you shouldn't be posting it online anyway.
Anyhoo, Joey had been spending his spare time by putting together short films and submitting them into small contests out in Los Angeles. In his most recent entry, he wrote that while he was somewhat surprised his film didn't win, he couldn't deny the fact that his work wasn't the best in the competition. While I feel that many of the things he says are naiive, I find him to be articulate, observant, and intelligent. One of the competitions he had entered was open to everyone. So he found himself competing against people who were professionals and have been working in Hollywood for years. He noted (and keep in mind that he hasn't had any formal training for his craft yet) that it was unfair competition because these people had more experience and bigger budgets. Oh Joey, welcome to reality and the world of professionals! But the words that struck me the most was when he stated that his work wasn't "undeniable". A word from the Tucker D? Oh yes, I recognized it as definitely one of her words. Here is what he wrote to explain when one's work is "undeniable":
"The first thing that went through my mind (Okay, the second thing that went through my mind. The first thing that went through my mind was “Fuck!”) was something Donna used to tell us each and every time we were prepping for competition: “You have to be undeniable.” It wasn’t enough to be the best from SPHS, or the best in the room at DTASC. You had to be the best out of everyone. Period. You had to be so good that no matter how many people doing cartwheels the other scene had or how biased the judge was, there was no way in hell that you could be denied victory without somebody clearly cheating. If you were anything less (even if you put forth really good work) then you ran the chance of being upset by forces beyond your control."
Now of course, there are flaws with that thinking. That philosophy was made up by a psychotic woman who has managed to build a hidden microcosm within South Pasadena High School, and rules with an erratic iron fist! If you do not have enough money, exposure, or support, it doesn't matter how good you are. In fact, you can be sucky, but if you have money, name performers, and the right exposure, you can soar; a la "The Color Purple, the Musical".
Looking back on the competitions we went to in high school, they seem to be premonitions of what was to happen in the real world. I mean, some schools had more money than we did and managed to pull off some spectacles, which of course, we lost to. I remember when Donna would say bullshit like what's written above and I would ask in my mind, "How do you become 'undeniable'? How do you know when you've reached the status of 'undeniability'?" Of course there was no answer and it was all the more frustrating to later have the Drama Nazi yelling at us about how we didn't get ourselves to that high level of performance. It's one of those things where everyone thinks they know how to be an actor, singer, or how to put on a good show. After "Always Family", I discovered that there will always be forces that are beyond your control. My show was competing for audiences against Ethan Hawke's show and Chekov's "The Cherry Orchard". In regards to ticket sales, how was I supposed to be able to "beat" them? Granted, I came out of the show in one piece, but it's absolutely heartbreaking when there are only 4 people in a 99 seat house.
In the end, you just have to let it go. You have to pick yourself up, put the pieces back in place and carry on. But I would say that the lesson I learned, and am still continuing to learn is to "let go"; to leave my life in the hands of fate because I can't control it. As much as it's nice to know that I have a job that guarantees that I will be behind this desk again tomorrow, I will only have this job until August. And then I'll be back to not knowing what's going to happen.
I know that this statement that I am going to say is utterly untrue, but being that it seems like most of my friends have deserted their online journals, they probably won't read this. Hahahaha! Right.
I don't like to tell people I don't trust about my "failures" or about the walls I've hit in life. I think that despite the fact that I am as American as apple pie, the traditional Chinese pride that my mother embodies has been inherently passed on to me. The only way anyone will know that I have been truly hurt, disappointed, or cut down, would be when I don't say anything about it. Hence, the contradiction of anyone truly knowing how I feel when I'm down. It's what I do to prevent any chance of anyone thinking, "I'm doing better! Ha!". Yes, that's probably only in my head, and admitting to my flaws makes me look human, blah blah blah ... Each individual does what he/she has to do to in order to get through their issues. So that would definitely explain my absence for the past few months.
I think the last any one heard from me on this journal was that I had just finished my show and I was happy with the outcome. While that was true on the artistic level, I was extremely frustrated and I was beating myself up over the fact that I was unable to land an agent or manager from the production. Granted, I've only been out of school for a little over a year and a half, but I'm a bit ambitious, what can I say? I mean, I got a couple of interviews, where I was told to lose weight. (I've been expecting to hear it, so really, it's not a big deal. And yes, I know that I'm not fat. It's not a personal comment, and I don't take it personally. Hollywood is too skinny these days and blah blah blah ... The question is, do I want to keep my ethics or do I want to work? Answer: I want to work.) So I took a break from life, for the most part. Aside from what ever socializing I did over the holidays, I secluded myself in my apartment and responded to e-mails and phone calls days after I got them, if I responded to them at all. I did audition here and there but severely cut down on the amount that I usually do when I'm not working on a project. I was lucky and landed a TV role, which will hopefully be broadcasted on Public Access out here sometime this spring. But other than that, didn't do anything.
While on many levels it was great because it gave me time to heal and nurse my disappointments, it was also horrible because it made me obsess about the status of my career. I just became very manic about it. To exacerbate my already agitated mental state, I didn't know what to do to appease myself. I felt like I was walking around in the dark and just constantly hitting walls while trying to find a flash light. By the time January came around, I felt like I was drowning. I was extremely restless and I was personally very irritated that my friends started having kids. While I was happy for those friends, I felt that life was just happening too quickly. Speaking from a selfish point of view, it felt like I was being abandoned and that I had no control of how my relationships were changing. Of course it's not exactly a rational way of thinking, but I recognized that this was how I felt.
I have to give props to my friends in Los Angeles, however! I could not thank you enough for constantly calling me to check up on me! The fact that you would take an hour or more out of your day to just talk to me was what kept me going and I am incredibly grateful!
Anyhoo, the fates finally kicked in for me and I landed a job. I had realized that since I decided that I will be definitely moving back to Los Angeles in August, I needed money to move. So I thought that I might as well be productive for now, and focus on getting an agent when I move to LA. It's not like I knew what to do to gain exposure to the industry in the first place, so procrastinating on it really didn't make any difference. Of course, once I started to pull myself out of my depressed funk, focus on money, and started to feel good about myself again, opportunities in the acting department started to pop up. (Because life's a bitch!) With the help of one of my NY friends (of who I hold very dear to my heart because she is one of the very few trusted people in NY who keeps my confidences) I have found myself back on the industry trail. This time, I'm not alone and am not walking in complete darkness. (Way to be cryptic, Simmone.) In any case, it's nice to have some kind of hope again. However, I am somewhat terrified because I don't want to crash and burn again like I had a few months ago. So we'll see what happens, and hopefully I'll have some kind of representation by the time I'm back in Los Angeles.
In the meantime, I'm actually extremely looking forward to moving back out west. I remember wanting to get away from South Pasadena at the end of high school. The odd thing is now I'm craving to come back to it and in many ways, I'm craving the bubble that the small town sheltered everyone with. At the same time, I am amused and irked at some of the thinking that is coming out of So. Pas. about the entertainment industry. I guess it comes with the territory of stalking SP people. I am happy to read about what they're doing with their lives, inspired as they document lessons they've learned towards living as an adult, and often bemused with what I think to be their delusions. For example, there is this one girl, her initials are VK and she graduated from SPHS 2006. I don't want to write her name down here because I'm petrified that she will find this journal if I do. I would not put it past her to google herself! No joke! She is THAT into herself. And her name isn't a common one so it wouldn't be long before she stumbles upon my rantings. For those who went to high school with me and have already heard me talk about her, you probably figured out who I'm referencing to the minute I mentioned her initials. For those who usually communicate with me via this journal or facebook, I'll give you a few more hints. One, she does have a facebook profile and she's constantly posting up pictures of her partying at various clubs in LA, Vegas, and especially the Playboy Mansion. She is Indian American (and probably was the only one in our grade when we graduated) and she fancies herself to be an awesome singer. If you want to hear her sing, click on the link below and you can formulate your own opinion:
Click to viewAh ha! Now you know who she is!!!!
If you're friends with her on facebook check out her page. It's a trip! I actually enjoy looking at her page because it's fun to vicariously live through her pictures. To be honest, I don't dislike this girl whatsoever. She cracks me up! But she does say on her page that "[She is] an up and coming artist. WATCH OUT!" She also says she's a model. *shrugs* But since another friend had informed me that this girl is taking singing lessons, I'm guessing that she's going to enter the entertainment industry as a singer. So I took the liberty to rake up some competition for her (granted, these two people are from NYU, but I might be a little biased. ;0P )
Competitor #1: My friend, Randy
I just think he's fucking amazing. He's definitely musical theatre, but his voice is just ... He's one of those people who's so talented that you just want to punch him. Randy may not directly be this girl's competition because he's a boy and not going into the music industry at the moment, but he is what I would consider as an up and coming artist. Basically, VK would want to get to where he is because, well, that's an existing level that she'd need to compete with.
Competitor #2: Meetu Chilana
http://www.meetuchilana.com/
I don't personally know this girl, but we do have friends in common. I came across her work while stalking our friends and I really like her stuff! She would definitely be competition for VK because Meetu is also Indian American, sings in English, Hindi, and Punjabi, and definitely has a pop/mainstream sound.
The most interesting song on Meetu's EP is the title track "I Am". I stole this from one of her press releases:
The title track, “I Am,” is a commentary on the culture and obsession of labeling
everyone, be it class, race or religion. In the chorus of the title track, Chilana uses her
soulful voice to articulate the need for acceptance of individuality; “I don't need you to
glorify me. I refuse to justify me. I believe I'm who I'm meant to be. I am who I am.”
Coincidently the name of the track is also somewhat of an acronym for “Indian
American.”
Just knowing the acronym adds an extra depth to the song, which is pretty cool! If you find the time to listen to Meetu, lemme know what you think!
Er, um, yeah, so GO VK! I do hope, though, that she quickly discovers the reality of how difficult it is to succeed in this business. And I sincerely hope that she doesn't get torn to shreds by the public or music industry people, like what's happening to Heidi Montag. I genuinely wish her luck with her journey through the shitty world of entertainment and hope she gets what she wants out of the whole experience. God knows it's difficult because all my actor friends and I are trudging forward through the muck in pursuit of our dreams.
IF YOU ARE STILL WITH ME, I COMMEND YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION SPAN!
It's comforting to remember that this is my journal because that means that I can be as long winded as I want!
My last thoughts of the day were provoked by another high school classmate. This kid was also part of the SPHS drama program, but graduated 3 years after I did. Being that his name is more common that VK's, I feel safe to say that his name is Joey. I stumbled upon his xanga by accident while reading the entries of friends that we have in common. His words are a constant reminder of where I came from and the mentalities that I am grateful to have been freed from. He wants to go into film and only now has he finally found a college that would admit him into their program. Up until now, he has never left South Pas. I have been following his blog for a few years and I was with him through his ups, downs, frustrations, projects, celebrations, etc through his entries. In a weird, impersonal way, I have become somewhat attached to him. I've never attempted to make any contact with him because one, I'm sure the Drama Nazi has brain washed him against me, and two, we were never friends to begin with. I would think that it's somewhat jarring to find that someone you don't really know nor care for is keeping up on the events of your life. I mean, it is somewhat invasive to know that strangers have the ability to stick their noses in your business, but then again, if the information is really all that private, you shouldn't be posting it online anyway.
Anyhoo, Joey had been spending his spare time by putting together short films and submitting them into small contests out in Los Angeles. In his most recent entry, he wrote that while he was somewhat surprised his film didn't win, he couldn't deny the fact that his work wasn't the best in the competition. While I feel that many of the things he says are naiive, I find him to be articulate, observant, and intelligent. One of the competitions he had entered was open to everyone. So he found himself competing against people who were professionals and have been working in Hollywood for years. He noted (and keep in mind that he hasn't had any formal training for his craft yet) that it was unfair competition because these people had more experience and bigger budgets. Oh Joey, welcome to reality and the world of professionals! But the words that struck me the most was when he stated that his work wasn't "undeniable". A word from the Tucker D? Oh yes, I recognized it as definitely one of her words. Here is what he wrote to explain when one's work is "undeniable":
"The first thing that went through my mind (Okay, the second thing that went through my mind. The first thing that went through my mind was “Fuck!”) was something Donna used to tell us each and every time we were prepping for competition: “You have to be undeniable.” It wasn’t enough to be the best from SPHS, or the best in the room at DTASC. You had to be the best out of everyone. Period. You had to be so good that no matter how many people doing cartwheels the other scene had or how biased the judge was, there was no way in hell that you could be denied victory without somebody clearly cheating. If you were anything less (even if you put forth really good work) then you ran the chance of being upset by forces beyond your control."
Now of course, there are flaws with that thinking. That philosophy was made up by a psychotic woman who has managed to build a hidden microcosm within South Pasadena High School, and rules with an erratic iron fist! If you do not have enough money, exposure, or support, it doesn't matter how good you are. In fact, you can be sucky, but if you have money, name performers, and the right exposure, you can soar; a la "The Color Purple, the Musical".
Looking back on the competitions we went to in high school, they seem to be premonitions of what was to happen in the real world. I mean, some schools had more money than we did and managed to pull off some spectacles, which of course, we lost to. I remember when Donna would say bullshit like what's written above and I would ask in my mind, "How do you become 'undeniable'? How do you know when you've reached the status of 'undeniability'?" Of course there was no answer and it was all the more frustrating to later have the Drama Nazi yelling at us about how we didn't get ourselves to that high level of performance. It's one of those things where everyone thinks they know how to be an actor, singer, or how to put on a good show. After "Always Family", I discovered that there will always be forces that are beyond your control. My show was competing for audiences against Ethan Hawke's show and Chekov's "The Cherry Orchard". In regards to ticket sales, how was I supposed to be able to "beat" them? Granted, I came out of the show in one piece, but it's absolutely heartbreaking when there are only 4 people in a 99 seat house.
In the end, you just have to let it go. You have to pick yourself up, put the pieces back in place and carry on. But I would say that the lesson I learned, and am still continuing to learn is to "let go"; to leave my life in the hands of fate because I can't control it. As much as it's nice to know that I have a job that guarantees that I will be behind this desk again tomorrow, I will only have this job until August. And then I'll be back to not knowing what's going to happen.