Wherein I talk a lot about actual serious business
So I've decided to stop automatically posting under friendslock for a little while, to see how it feels.
This is, I suppose, as good a place to start as any, particularly considering that this post would have been unlocked regardless.
Let me say first and foremost that I agree with Kita to the fullest extent of my abilities. If you come to me and tell me that you have been violated in any way, ranging from being made to feel uncomfortable straight across the spectrum to far far more horrifying crimes, I will believe you. I understand, intellectually, that there are some people out there in the world who have lied about this kind of thing, but let me be clear: I do not care about that. For every "false accusation", there are literally hundreds of thousands of people who either choose not to or can't talk about sexual violations taken against their person. In light of that, I will always believe you.
And if I ever do anything that smacks of victim blaming, I sincerely hope that I get struck by lightning and fry horribly. I've been the woman who people questioned before, and I think it is utterly disgusting.
With regards to
thenyxie, when I first saw her comments in the Wincom community, I really had no idea what was going on. I didn't even know where the wank was, I just knew that someone was questioning the integrity of the Con Organizers, both of who are on my friendslist and have been for years. It pissed me off, and I went to talk to someone in the know about what the situation was. I'm not going to name names here, because I'm not sure how she would feel about that, but I had a very enlightening conversation with her and came away from it wanting to mangle people. (I've had a draft of this post up for two days now, and finally just went and started commenting instead. I find that I'm better in comments.)
So let me just put a few things out there in a bulleted list.
On that note, let me tell you a brief story about myself and the first Wincon:
We went as a large group to a bar for karaoke that year, and I got hammered. I hadn't eaten, I don't drink much, and there was a lot of booze flowing that night. I had a very good time, for the most part, and that night has produced some of my most amusing memories of any night of my life.
One part of it that wasn't particularly amusing though was when I found myself against the wall by the bathroom with my tongue in the mouth of a man I'd never seen before and his hand going up my shirt. I was drunk off my ass at that point, and was in no shape to be doing anything of the sort with a stranger in a strange city. I can't remember who it was at this point, but a fellow fangirl saw this going on, intervened, and upon asking me questions realized exactly how fucked up I was. She got me back over to where our group was sitting, got me some water, and made sure that I didn't wander off again until I'd sobered up somewhat and we'd left the bar. (If that fangirl sees this and remembers the incident, please speak up!) I'm incredibly fucking grateful to her - I don't make smart sexual choices when I'm drunk, and her intervention very likely prevented me from doing something incredibly stupid.
That's what I think about when people talk about Wincon being a safe space. Because it is, and it should be, the kind of place where fangirls keep an eye out for each other and step in when things get out of control. It is, and should be, the kind of place where we ask questions of the fangirl making out with the strange cowboy, and where we keep clearly drunk women from going to hotel rooms with men who they don't know. That's what I feel like fandom should be - it shouldn't be the kind of place where we slut shame or victim blame.
In any case. I'm still flamingly angry at
thenyxie and her absolute lack of comprehension for the harm that she does and the rape culture that she supports by defending the actions of her husband and his friend. I am, however, so fucking proud of fandom for standing up and getting loud about how utterly fucked up that is. I'm in no way, shape, or form active in SPN fandom these days, but this reminds me of why I was once so pleased to call it my home. <3
P.S. And if anyone wants to take up a donation for a plane ticket, a hotel room, and registration, I'd be pleased to join y'all in Chicago this year. :P :P :P
Originally posted at http://bunners.dreamwidth.org/1093632.html, where there are currently
comments. I would appreciate it if you would consider commenting there.
This is, I suppose, as good a place to start as any, particularly considering that this post would have been unlocked regardless.
Let me say first and foremost that I agree with Kita to the fullest extent of my abilities. If you come to me and tell me that you have been violated in any way, ranging from being made to feel uncomfortable straight across the spectrum to far far more horrifying crimes, I will believe you. I understand, intellectually, that there are some people out there in the world who have lied about this kind of thing, but let me be clear: I do not care about that. For every "false accusation", there are literally hundreds of thousands of people who either choose not to or can't talk about sexual violations taken against their person. In light of that, I will always believe you.
And if I ever do anything that smacks of victim blaming, I sincerely hope that I get struck by lightning and fry horribly. I've been the woman who people questioned before, and I think it is utterly disgusting.
With regards to
thenyxie, when I first saw her comments in the Wincom community, I really had no idea what was going on. I didn't even know where the wank was, I just knew that someone was questioning the integrity of the Con Organizers, both of who are on my friendslist and have been for years. It pissed me off, and I went to talk to someone in the know about what the situation was. I'm not going to name names here, because I'm not sure how she would feel about that, but I had a very enlightening conversation with her and came away from it wanting to mangle people. (I've had a draft of this post up for two days now, and finally just went and started commenting instead. I find that I'm better in comments.)
So let me just put a few things out there in a bulleted list.
- There are many reasons why survivors of sexual assault frequently feel unsafe about coming forward. Victim blaming is a huge one. Being forced to offer up "proof" is not acceptable. I feel that the burden of proof should, in fact, be on the accused when it comes to sex crimes. I'm aware that this isn't a popular opinion, or even a legal one in this country. As the survivor of rape, I don't actually care.
- If someone on an anonmeme says that they were assaulted, raped, felt uncomfortable in a situation, whatever, I am inclined to believe them. Please see my point above. Further, there's a reason why a great many crisis lines are anonymous - people may not feel comfortable admitting to painful truths with their names attached at first.
- Be that as it may, I think that it's clear by now that the decision of the Con Organizers to ban
thenyxie from Wincon was made in 2008, and was prompted by her behavior, her husband's behavior, and the behavior of their guest who was not a Wincon participant. - HOWEVER. If that had not been the case and the first they had heard about it was the anonymeme, I still think that they would have had a responsibility to bear that in mind when dealing with
thenyxie, and would also have had a responsibility to investigate said issues. I realize that this too is not a popular opinion, but given my prior point about the comfort of anonymity and confession, I feel comfortable with it. - If I am ever an asshole, be it in public or in private, I would hope to shout that at least a few of y'all would feel comfortable telling me that I was being an asshole and to knock it the fuck off. In other words, if I am ever acting like this, I do not want your unquestioning support. <3
- Kassie and Jenn have done an amazing job organizing and running Wincon for five years now, and I support them in any way that I can. Period. Their actions, and the actions of the rest of the Con Comm are commendable, and I am deeply proud of their behavior and their efforts to create a safe space for fandom to come together and party.
On that note, let me tell you a brief story about myself and the first Wincon:
We went as a large group to a bar for karaoke that year, and I got hammered. I hadn't eaten, I don't drink much, and there was a lot of booze flowing that night. I had a very good time, for the most part, and that night has produced some of my most amusing memories of any night of my life.
One part of it that wasn't particularly amusing though was when I found myself against the wall by the bathroom with my tongue in the mouth of a man I'd never seen before and his hand going up my shirt. I was drunk off my ass at that point, and was in no shape to be doing anything of the sort with a stranger in a strange city. I can't remember who it was at this point, but a fellow fangirl saw this going on, intervened, and upon asking me questions realized exactly how fucked up I was. She got me back over to where our group was sitting, got me some water, and made sure that I didn't wander off again until I'd sobered up somewhat and we'd left the bar. (If that fangirl sees this and remembers the incident, please speak up!) I'm incredibly fucking grateful to her - I don't make smart sexual choices when I'm drunk, and her intervention very likely prevented me from doing something incredibly stupid.
That's what I think about when people talk about Wincon being a safe space. Because it is, and it should be, the kind of place where fangirls keep an eye out for each other and step in when things get out of control. It is, and should be, the kind of place where we ask questions of the fangirl making out with the strange cowboy, and where we keep clearly drunk women from going to hotel rooms with men who they don't know. That's what I feel like fandom should be - it shouldn't be the kind of place where we slut shame or victim blame.
In any case. I'm still flamingly angry at
thenyxie and her absolute lack of comprehension for the harm that she does and the rape culture that she supports by defending the actions of her husband and his friend. I am, however, so fucking proud of fandom for standing up and getting loud about how utterly fucked up that is. I'm in no way, shape, or form active in SPN fandom these days, but this reminds me of why I was once so pleased to call it my home. <3
P.S. And if anyone wants to take up a donation for a plane ticket, a hotel room, and registration, I'd be pleased to join y'all in Chicago this year. :P :P :P
Originally posted at http://bunners.dreamwidth.org/1093632.html, where there are currently
comments. I would appreciate it if you would consider commenting there.