Insecurities
I don't want to boast, but alot of people compliment me on a fair few things:
- oh hey, nice hair
- oh hey, cute outfit
- oh hey, u've got a nice ass (?? lol)
- oh hey, I wish I had boobs like yours
- oh hey, ur eyelashes are so pretty
- oh hey, nice glasses
One would think I would have nothing to worry about. But thats not true.
I was always insecure about my weight. Well not always. After I was 12 y.o. For some reason I got into my head that I was terminally ill, that I had cancer. I can't quite remember why this happened...and I wasn't sick at all, I was perfectly fine, and skinny. But just the thought,which I had somehow made myself strongly believe, that I have cancer made me loose appetite. I should mention that around this time my aunty had passed away from cancer...and I heard my mum say many times that she was losing weight because she wouldn't eat. Well, knowing this, I decided to force feed myself, believing that if I ate I could make cancer not kill me. I was so scared of this "cancer" that I didn't get my period for over 6 months. My mum was really scared, although I never told her that I "had cancer". All these 6 months I force fed myself. Not knowing what stretch marks were, I fed myself even more when I noticed them on my thighs, thinking these were symptoms of cancer spreading. I was too scared to tell my parents about ANYTHING, not to upset them that I was going to "die". I also prayed every night to God that I don't die. I believed that food and belief would save me. By the time the year was over I had gone from 50kg to 74kg. At the age of 12.
So you can imagine how high school was. A year later I believed that I had defeated cancer and that I could lose weight again. I started frantically exercising, eating less, doing every possible sport. I joined the school athletics team and was suddenly the fastest runner of year 7. I joined tennis, I played netball, I played basketball etc etc. I went for runs, I danced at home, I skpped rope. I manage to shed 10-11kg. However, the stretch marks stayed. The insecurity after being teased at school for weight stayed. For a very long time I didn't wear skirts. Only recently did I start wearing them. The awkwardness of talking to a guy has still stayed, because boys usually teased me at school. So I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone... but either way, that one psychologic incident has left me with a list of insecurities:
- Im never good enough for anyone
- I feel like I try too hard sometimes
- Im frigid.
This isn't a "pity me, poor me" entry. I sometimes need to speak to someone about things, and this is where I speak.
- oh hey, nice hair
- oh hey, cute outfit
- oh hey, u've got a nice ass (?? lol)
- oh hey, I wish I had boobs like yours
- oh hey, ur eyelashes are so pretty
- oh hey, nice glasses
One would think I would have nothing to worry about. But thats not true.
I was always insecure about my weight. Well not always. After I was 12 y.o. For some reason I got into my head that I was terminally ill, that I had cancer. I can't quite remember why this happened...and I wasn't sick at all, I was perfectly fine, and skinny. But just the thought,which I had somehow made myself strongly believe, that I have cancer made me loose appetite. I should mention that around this time my aunty had passed away from cancer...and I heard my mum say many times that she was losing weight because she wouldn't eat. Well, knowing this, I decided to force feed myself, believing that if I ate I could make cancer not kill me. I was so scared of this "cancer" that I didn't get my period for over 6 months. My mum was really scared, although I never told her that I "had cancer". All these 6 months I force fed myself. Not knowing what stretch marks were, I fed myself even more when I noticed them on my thighs, thinking these were symptoms of cancer spreading. I was too scared to tell my parents about ANYTHING, not to upset them that I was going to "die". I also prayed every night to God that I don't die. I believed that food and belief would save me. By the time the year was over I had gone from 50kg to 74kg. At the age of 12.
So you can imagine how high school was. A year later I believed that I had defeated cancer and that I could lose weight again. I started frantically exercising, eating less, doing every possible sport. I joined the school athletics team and was suddenly the fastest runner of year 7. I joined tennis, I played netball, I played basketball etc etc. I went for runs, I danced at home, I skpped rope. I manage to shed 10-11kg. However, the stretch marks stayed. The insecurity after being teased at school for weight stayed. For a very long time I didn't wear skirts. Only recently did I start wearing them. The awkwardness of talking to a guy has still stayed, because boys usually teased me at school. So I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone... but either way, that one psychologic incident has left me with a list of insecurities:
- Im never good enough for anyone
- I feel like I try too hard sometimes
- Im frigid.
This isn't a "pity me, poor me" entry. I sometimes need to speak to someone about things, and this is where I speak.