Inner workings of my mind part 2
Why is it that when I write something in here I just think of more things to add 20 minutes later?
Yesterday I wrote stuff about my friend and how much I love him and today I just want to add more to it. Why is it that that happens? I mean I write these things for a reason. So I don't keep it all inside and I can have a lil cry as I'm writing it. But then I think of more things I can say about it and I just want to write it all down again.
I mean take what I said about my friend. I told him to read what I wrote and he did and told me he wished he could tell me what I longed to hear. Was that what I wanted to hear? No. What I wanted to hear was him tell me he loves me.
I was talking to my friend about it today and she said it sounds like he does love me too but is just too scared to say it.I know this isn't true though. I know he doesnt. I wish he did though more than anything else in this world. I want to make him happy and help him forget about all the bad shite in his life at the minute and all the bad stuff from his past too. I want to hold him close and comfort him whenever he gets down and depressed. I want to be there for him always and I just know I never will be cause he wont let himself love me and that hurts me.
It hurts me to see him unable to love. Unable to have that special connection with anyone in his life. It's not just me he cant love. He doesnt think he ever will love anybody again in his life. I just want him to be happy is all. I want to help him be happy and I want to be there for him always. I've already told him that if I get married (and it isnt to him) then my husband will have to deal with the fact that he's my friend and we like snuggling for comfort. There's nothing like a big ol snuggle with a good friend when you're low is there?
Ugh my life just sucks big time. I'm in love with a guy who doesnt want me and my little miss perfect sister is doing everything she can to make me look the loser I am more and more. She's got a great job, is engaged, pregnant, has her own house and all that kinda crap. Oh yeah her fiance's dad is loaded....and I mean loaded. Why does she have to have everything and me nothing?What have i done in my life that is so bad that makes me deserve this? I have nothing in my life. Nothing at all. Sure I have good friends, a cute guy I'm sleeping with who I love, but that isn't everything in life is it? I want a house, a car, a perfect figure and to get married to the man I love. But I just have to accept that this will never happen for me. I'm the loser of this family. The ugly, fat, loser who deserves nothing in life other than to be shit on by everyone she cares for.
My mum just told me she has to go to the hospital for an operation. Nobody cares though as she left us when i was 9. I still see her but I didnt for 5 years and my sister had to care for me when she was just 16 so she hates my mum with a vengence. I know if I tell my dad or my sister about my worries for my mum they will just laugh at me about it and then tease my mum to me. They're nasty like that. It's why I want to get away from them both forever. I want to start my life anew away from them, but this wont happen until I get a job which I am trying to do just failing at miserably. My mum has to have a hysterectomy cause she's been having really bad problems with her periods for years now and the docs are finally gonna see if they can do anything about it by giving her one of those. I'm scared though. What if someting goes wrong?My mum has 2 woumbs you see so something may or may not. I don't want to lose her. She's the only family member who I love and care for more than anything in this world. I'll keep everyone informed on how it goes tho.
Anyways I'm gonna go now
Love to all
=^-^=Bunny
xxxxxxxxxx
Yesterday I wrote stuff about my friend and how much I love him and today I just want to add more to it. Why is it that that happens? I mean I write these things for a reason. So I don't keep it all inside and I can have a lil cry as I'm writing it. But then I think of more things I can say about it and I just want to write it all down again.
I mean take what I said about my friend. I told him to read what I wrote and he did and told me he wished he could tell me what I longed to hear. Was that what I wanted to hear? No. What I wanted to hear was him tell me he loves me.
I was talking to my friend about it today and she said it sounds like he does love me too but is just too scared to say it.I know this isn't true though. I know he doesnt. I wish he did though more than anything else in this world. I want to make him happy and help him forget about all the bad shite in his life at the minute and all the bad stuff from his past too. I want to hold him close and comfort him whenever he gets down and depressed. I want to be there for him always and I just know I never will be cause he wont let himself love me and that hurts me.
It hurts me to see him unable to love. Unable to have that special connection with anyone in his life. It's not just me he cant love. He doesnt think he ever will love anybody again in his life. I just want him to be happy is all. I want to help him be happy and I want to be there for him always. I've already told him that if I get married (and it isnt to him) then my husband will have to deal with the fact that he's my friend and we like snuggling for comfort. There's nothing like a big ol snuggle with a good friend when you're low is there?
Ugh my life just sucks big time. I'm in love with a guy who doesnt want me and my little miss perfect sister is doing everything she can to make me look the loser I am more and more. She's got a great job, is engaged, pregnant, has her own house and all that kinda crap. Oh yeah her fiance's dad is loaded....and I mean loaded. Why does she have to have everything and me nothing?What have i done in my life that is so bad that makes me deserve this? I have nothing in my life. Nothing at all. Sure I have good friends, a cute guy I'm sleeping with who I love, but that isn't everything in life is it? I want a house, a car, a perfect figure and to get married to the man I love. But I just have to accept that this will never happen for me. I'm the loser of this family. The ugly, fat, loser who deserves nothing in life other than to be shit on by everyone she cares for.
My mum just told me she has to go to the hospital for an operation. Nobody cares though as she left us when i was 9. I still see her but I didnt for 5 years and my sister had to care for me when she was just 16 so she hates my mum with a vengence. I know if I tell my dad or my sister about my worries for my mum they will just laugh at me about it and then tease my mum to me. They're nasty like that. It's why I want to get away from them both forever. I want to start my life anew away from them, but this wont happen until I get a job which I am trying to do just failing at miserably. My mum has to have a hysterectomy cause she's been having really bad problems with her periods for years now and the docs are finally gonna see if they can do anything about it by giving her one of those. I'm scared though. What if someting goes wrong?My mum has 2 woumbs you see so something may or may not. I don't want to lose her. She's the only family member who I love and care for more than anything in this world. I'll keep everyone informed on how it goes tho.
Anyways I'm gonna go now
Love to all
=^-^=Bunny
xxxxxxxxxx