(no subject)
My mother is dying.
She's in the hospital with pneumonia. She went in Thursday and wasn't expected to last until morning, but I still haven't gotten "the call". Nor is there any answer to her cellphone, so I'm just waiting.
She's been fighting small cell cancer since October, and kicking its ass. The tumors had completely disappeared, and she had one final chemo session scheduled in early February. She got a blood infection from her chemo stent, and they had trouble finding an antibiotic, and she was back in the hospital for a while. She was home last Monday, and sounding relatively chipper, all things considered, looking forward to building up her strength for the final round, but her breathing deteriorated over the week and Thursday her companion called 911.
For whatever reason, family members (multiple) called the phone I never use, the neglected emergency landline, rather than work, the cell, or an email, so I didn't get the message until late last night. Usually there are only "pick up your prescription" messages from Walgreens on that phone, so it was a bit of a surprise.
I have a complicated relationship with my mother. I've long thought she was just too mean to die. Over the years (after lots of therapy on my part) we developed a quite cordial and even loving email relationship, and were able to maintain that so long as we didn't talk in person too often, or for too long. The last 10 years of our relationship, since email became ubiquitous, have been in many ways the best - because there was just less opportunity to be hurt with words on paper, so to speak.
I hope she's not suffering. I hope she doesn't suffer for long, if they can't make it better. I hope she finds peace.
She lives in upstate NY, where there is 6 feet of snow. When she got diagnosed last fall, I urged her to move "home", back to Oregon. Not only to be near her sisters, but where she could be in control of her ending, the way that Heather was earlier this week. She scoffed, and said she had no plans to die anytime soon. I hope she didn't regret that.
I loved her. I never really believed she liked me, and she certainly judged me, but I know she loved me the best way she knew how. And that has to be enough.
She's in the hospital with pneumonia. She went in Thursday and wasn't expected to last until morning, but I still haven't gotten "the call". Nor is there any answer to her cellphone, so I'm just waiting.
She's been fighting small cell cancer since October, and kicking its ass. The tumors had completely disappeared, and she had one final chemo session scheduled in early February. She got a blood infection from her chemo stent, and they had trouble finding an antibiotic, and she was back in the hospital for a while. She was home last Monday, and sounding relatively chipper, all things considered, looking forward to building up her strength for the final round, but her breathing deteriorated over the week and Thursday her companion called 911.
For whatever reason, family members (multiple) called the phone I never use, the neglected emergency landline, rather than work, the cell, or an email, so I didn't get the message until late last night. Usually there are only "pick up your prescription" messages from Walgreens on that phone, so it was a bit of a surprise.
I have a complicated relationship with my mother. I've long thought she was just too mean to die. Over the years (after lots of therapy on my part) we developed a quite cordial and even loving email relationship, and were able to maintain that so long as we didn't talk in person too often, or for too long. The last 10 years of our relationship, since email became ubiquitous, have been in many ways the best - because there was just less opportunity to be hurt with words on paper, so to speak.
I hope she's not suffering. I hope she doesn't suffer for long, if they can't make it better. I hope she finds peace.
She lives in upstate NY, where there is 6 feet of snow. When she got diagnosed last fall, I urged her to move "home", back to Oregon. Not only to be near her sisters, but where she could be in control of her ending, the way that Heather was earlier this week. She scoffed, and said she had no plans to die anytime soon. I hope she didn't regret that.
I loved her. I never really believed she liked me, and she certainly judged me, but I know she loved me the best way she knew how. And that has to be enough.