(no subject)
I'm frustrated beyond belief right now.
It's like an on-going battle with myself.
I can tell you right now, I'm not going to become one of those bastards that clamours for attention by saying stupid shit like, "I'm going to kill myself, oh my god my life is so horrible."
On the contrary, my life is pretty good considering the conditions.
And I'm actually in a considerably happy mood right now.
But I'm sick of being lonely.
I've got a new rule. If you're reading this, right now, if your eyes are passing over this, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR ME, WHATSOEVER. Nothing. Don't tell me, because I don't want to know. I don't want to hear how beautiful you think I am, or how funny, or whatever.
Because you know what happens? My self esteem goes up.
And then something happens, I don't know, someone better than me maybe comes along, or you realize I wasn't EVERYTHING YOU EVER FUCKING WANTED.
What happens next? I end up curled up in a ball on my bed wondering what the fuck I did to deserve it.
So leave me alone.
I'll never get what I want, so you won't either.
My mom saw my father the other night. I guess I think that if my own father doesn't care about me, I'm a pretty big loser. He pays child support for his other kid, and the only thing I ever got from him was a stuffed animal for my 5th birthday.
I had a dream about him last night.
Cotillion is less than 3 weeks away, gee, still no date. I could ask Stephen, but I'm too scared, and someone probably asked him by now anyway.
But that's okay, I'll go alone. It's not going to kill me.
I had a dream about Stephen last night, too. I was telling him about the records I bought at the thrift store, and I was eating chocolate at the same time.. then he was talking in German. It was weird.
No matter who comes into my life, though.. German, or not, I always go back to one person. There's always one person I think of, and miss, especially when I listen to the Beatles for some reason. 0_o
AHHHHH WHY CAN'T I TELL HIM!?
I need to be needed. I've already served myself, and I'm happy, but I want to make someone else happy now.
I think things will be fine. I need to take it easy and enjoy what I have right now. I've got a good feeling.
I'm in a cheery mood because Christmas is coming sooooooon.
It's like an on-going battle with myself.
I can tell you right now, I'm not going to become one of those bastards that clamours for attention by saying stupid shit like, "I'm going to kill myself, oh my god my life is so horrible."
On the contrary, my life is pretty good considering the conditions.
And I'm actually in a considerably happy mood right now.
But I'm sick of being lonely.
I've got a new rule. If you're reading this, right now, if your eyes are passing over this, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR ME, WHATSOEVER. Nothing. Don't tell me, because I don't want to know. I don't want to hear how beautiful you think I am, or how funny, or whatever.
Because you know what happens? My self esteem goes up.
And then something happens, I don't know, someone better than me maybe comes along, or you realize I wasn't EVERYTHING YOU EVER FUCKING WANTED.
What happens next? I end up curled up in a ball on my bed wondering what the fuck I did to deserve it.
So leave me alone.
I'll never get what I want, so you won't either.
My mom saw my father the other night. I guess I think that if my own father doesn't care about me, I'm a pretty big loser. He pays child support for his other kid, and the only thing I ever got from him was a stuffed animal for my 5th birthday.
I had a dream about him last night.
Cotillion is less than 3 weeks away, gee, still no date. I could ask Stephen, but I'm too scared, and someone probably asked him by now anyway.
But that's okay, I'll go alone. It's not going to kill me.
I had a dream about Stephen last night, too. I was telling him about the records I bought at the thrift store, and I was eating chocolate at the same time.. then he was talking in German. It was weird.
No matter who comes into my life, though.. German, or not, I always go back to one person. There's always one person I think of, and miss, especially when I listen to the Beatles for some reason. 0_o
AHHHHH WHY CAN'T I TELL HIM!?
I need to be needed. I've already served myself, and I'm happy, but I want to make someone else happy now.
I think things will be fine. I need to take it easy and enjoy what I have right now. I've got a good feeling.
I'm in a cheery mood because Christmas is coming sooooooon.