(no subject)
well i guess as of lately my journal posts have been very depressing...cuz well it's just what i'm going through unfortunately...however tonite after a conversation i was inspired to really try to pick myself up off the ground wipe off the crap on my clothes and try to smile...the tears still come and go and my heart i think will always hope that the man i love will one day find the ability to know how much i love him and that i would do anything for him and perhaps either give me the priviledge of another chance...or the chance to at least be his best friend again! i am really gonna start to make some serious changes in my life cuz well i'm 23 now and i aint getting any younger...i've already lost 7 1/2 pounds which has come from not eating much and being depressed and suffering from extreme insomnia and maybe smokin a bit too much MJ....which u'd think would make u get the munchies but really when ur depressed and suicidal it kinda doesnt...
i'm not overly happy but having had yet another tearful talk with the man this morning i really sat there and thought about it....i have been acting stupid but i haven't taken it to a crazy level where i'm throwing stones at his window or stalking him i mean sure it crossed my mind but i really am not that type of person i know that would only make the situation worse anyways
i respect that he is really hurt after what i did...but he needs to know that through all this....i know i'd never make the same mistake again...and i seriously realize i had the best thing in the world and i lost it....someday i hope he'll forgive me
after all time heals all wounds and he says he's not bitter and wants to eventually be able to see me again (whatever that means) so i'm wishing him the best of luck in his soul searching and really hope that he finds what he's looking for!
in other news...i saw step up last nite and i saw accepted tonite...both actually quite good movies....now that my dvd collection has diminished slightly i will be needing to purchase a few more!
i guess it's job hunting time yet again for me....who knows what i'll find maybe there's nothing in vancouver for me either perhaps i should venture overseas and find a new path...but i still don't wanna loose parts of the path i was on...cuz well the friends i got the joy of meeting through that special boy well they really mean alot to me and i hope we can share the laughs....
as for Harry and Trini-boy really wanna thank both of you for being here for me during this crazy time you two have shared some great advice and ur thoughts on the matter and you really ahve no idea how much i appreciate it! Same goes for Rave, Sarah, Heather, Lindsay, Supermatt, Z, Jude, you all mean the world to me and i appreciate everything you've had to say whether you think i was a douchebag or not! and of course Shadow, Sami and Sabastian who have held me and shared my tears through this whole fucked up summer...and thanks to my brothers who gave your personal thoughts of what we should do to the said man...even though you really didn't mean it once u heard what i did but were only looking out for ur sister you guys are punks and well i love yous both
and a huge special thank you to everyone who's forgiven me for my mistakes i made to them and for letting me explain and for letting me embarrass my ass off to find the strength and courage to make myself a better person..you know i will never forget this time and i will only hope to continue to grow from it and i know only to love and cherish everyone around me and for the love of all that is around us i will never tell another lie again for as long as i live....
Miss Kitty
P.s. i wish i had a pensieve like dumbledore had in harry potter...where i could put all past memories and put them into a bowl...that way i'd be able to pick them apart and learn something about myself every day!
i'm not overly happy but having had yet another tearful talk with the man this morning i really sat there and thought about it....i have been acting stupid but i haven't taken it to a crazy level where i'm throwing stones at his window or stalking him i mean sure it crossed my mind but i really am not that type of person i know that would only make the situation worse anyways
i respect that he is really hurt after what i did...but he needs to know that through all this....i know i'd never make the same mistake again...and i seriously realize i had the best thing in the world and i lost it....someday i hope he'll forgive me
after all time heals all wounds and he says he's not bitter and wants to eventually be able to see me again (whatever that means) so i'm wishing him the best of luck in his soul searching and really hope that he finds what he's looking for!
in other news...i saw step up last nite and i saw accepted tonite...both actually quite good movies....now that my dvd collection has diminished slightly i will be needing to purchase a few more!
i guess it's job hunting time yet again for me....who knows what i'll find maybe there's nothing in vancouver for me either perhaps i should venture overseas and find a new path...but i still don't wanna loose parts of the path i was on...cuz well the friends i got the joy of meeting through that special boy well they really mean alot to me and i hope we can share the laughs....
as for Harry and Trini-boy really wanna thank both of you for being here for me during this crazy time you two have shared some great advice and ur thoughts on the matter and you really ahve no idea how much i appreciate it! Same goes for Rave, Sarah, Heather, Lindsay, Supermatt, Z, Jude, you all mean the world to me and i appreciate everything you've had to say whether you think i was a douchebag or not! and of course Shadow, Sami and Sabastian who have held me and shared my tears through this whole fucked up summer...and thanks to my brothers who gave your personal thoughts of what we should do to the said man...even though you really didn't mean it once u heard what i did but were only looking out for ur sister you guys are punks and well i love yous both
and a huge special thank you to everyone who's forgiven me for my mistakes i made to them and for letting me explain and for letting me embarrass my ass off to find the strength and courage to make myself a better person..you know i will never forget this time and i will only hope to continue to grow from it and i know only to love and cherish everyone around me and for the love of all that is around us i will never tell another lie again for as long as i live....
Miss Kitty
P.s. i wish i had a pensieve like dumbledore had in harry potter...where i could put all past memories and put them into a bowl...that way i'd be able to pick them apart and learn something about myself every day!