Fic: Three Crimes Committed by Mundungus Fletcher Before He Learned to be Cagey
Title: Three Crimes Committed by Mundungus Fletcher Before He Learned to be Cagey (Assuming He Ever Really Did)
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Mundungus Fletcher, Assorted Goblins, and a Nymphadorian Cameo
Summary: Childhood over a Pint - Don't Cross Goblins - Caught by a Rookie (Or How I Joined the Order)
Author's Notes: Thanks to magnolia_mama and msmoocow, without whom this story would still be disconnected scribbles on napkins. gunderpants, you wanted parody/homage, so, my sincerest apologies to Raymond Chandler. I tried.
~ Originally written for hp_summergen ~
~*~
I
Most people don't remember their first bit of accidental magic, you know. Sure, they've heard the stories from their parents, for all those are worth. You know how it is; parents have a knack for inflating the trivial. Making the dead boring into something special.
Useless, the lot of them.
"'My Rastus, he had a tantrum and locked his bedroom door to keep his brother out, all by himself.'"
"'Little Gertrude, she organized her whole bookshelf.'"
And that Weasley woman, with her never-ending supply of stories.
"'Charlie, he Levitated one of our chickens, saved its life that time it got stuck up on the roof. And him only five years old!'"
And on and on and on and on.
Now that you mention it, I do remember mine.
'N what'd'I do, you ask. Well, me, I stole. Typical eh? Don't tell me you're surprised. I'm seven, right, just a wee thing, and I want dessert. Not much, just a pumpkin pasty. Me mum wouldn't buy me one at the shop. Don't rightly remember why, but s'not like it's important.
Well, she wouldn't let me have it, so, when she turned her back, I Summoned it straight to me. Caused quite a stir, zooming down Diagon like that. Nearly gave me Granddad an attack. And set my mum off. Brought loads of trouble down on my head. I was in dutch for a long while.
"'Nother round over here, luv."
Course, not as much as the time I used magic underage (the old shadow-severing spell what was banned after that kid tricked some Muggle into believing he was a pixie or summat. You know, I heard that Muggle went on to write a book about him, turned him into some never-aging, flying legend. Not bad for some trickster out for a bit of fun, eh?) That was great spell. Really is a shame they banned it, not that it stopped me. Story for a different day, though.
That time was the most trouble I caught as a youngin, but the zooming pasty was a close second.
I like to think I've gotten a bit more subtle since then.
~*~
II
WHAM!
Those goblins, they sure know how to pack a wallop.
I want to pick up the pieces of my face and try to replace them in some approximation of their original order, but with my hands quite literally tied behind my back, it's pretty much out of the question.
I blink my face back together.
Well, try to, at any rate. I never knew what a force of will it took to close your eyelids.
I knew Ludo Bagman was about as trustworthy as, well, me, and yet here I am, having my face being introduced to the fists of various goblins. Or, rather, the magical projects of their fists, which are quite a bit stronger than their ordinary undersized, over-knuckled fists. Less warts too, usually.
Frankly, I think my face would have preferred a more conventional meeting, with Firewhiskey and maybe the exchange of some gold and Class C substances, but when you get caught trying to trick some already irate goblins, you take what you can get. At least my head wasn't being introduced to a dragon's digestive tract, is what I'm saying.
I do wish they'd start asking me questions, though. This beating up part's the most boring part of the interrogation process. Not too much negotiation a man can do, really.
"'I'll tell y' what you want if you let me keep that tooth there.'"
"'Oh, this one? Sorry old chap, let me pop that back in your mouth for you.'"
"'Thanks, mate. You're a right old duffer.'"
Don't really work like that. Even trying to say it'll probably come out as more of a "Mmpff, mrp mf mm wuf."
I think that translates to "I'm a purple leaf knickers, please rock," in Gobbledy Gook anyway. Not a phrase that garners respect in a negotiation.
"Why were you stealing from us? Don't you know what we can do to you? Don't you know any better?"
Not really, no.
"What were you trying to accomplish?"
"Just trying to help out a mate. Needed a spot of gold, didn't have too many avenues to get it, himself. Thought I could lend a hand."
The short one turns to the, er, shorter one. "Grak, mff plvtik, Bagman."
The shorter one turns back to me. "Bagman? You were helping Bagman!"
Oops.
KRRAACK!
Ow.
This isn't going as well as I'd hoped.
"You'd steal from us, steal from us to give Bagman money to pay us? I didn't realize he had friends more foolish than himself. I would gift you to one of our trolls if I didn't think it would be a waste of its time."
Now seems to be the time to back-pedal. Sweet-talking might work with Ol' Figgy, but something tells me that it won't work well with recently cheated goblins.
"Let's not be hasty, eh? You stopped me before I was able to nick anything. Maybe we can come to an arrangement. I c'n scratch your backs if you let me out of these bindings."
The short one pauses. "Our business with Bagman is with Bagman alone. You are an unnecessary complication in that business. It would be simpler to just remove you."
Putting on a winning smile is rather painful when your face is swollen like you'd decided to make a nice snack out of the thorns of a Grasping Nettle, but I do my very best.
"Well, let's see what I can do to remove myself from that business. Ludo's done me a bad turn here 'n I've no desire to involve myself in his business anymore. We can strike up our own bargain without muddling with him, can't we?"
The shorter goblin nods to the shortest of all, and my bindings loosen.
"I've recently got a lead on some Class A Untradables. The sort of thing you gents might be interested in.
Let's make a deal."
~*~
III
Being caught red-handed is dead embarrassing. Especially when your hands are actually red.
I didn't know that the artifact would turn my hands red. Should be a lesson to me, never trust a hag bearing tales of expensive magical items in easily break-into-able locations with low security.
I'm sure someone out there's got a better way of phrasing that, but turning a pretty phrase has never been one of my preferred skills.
Only thing that could make it worse was being caught by some junior Auror out on her first assignment. Which was exactly what happened.
'Dromeda Tonks' girl, good people by all accounts, though her mum and dad were never too interested in the more lively shades of grey in life. She was all grown up and had joined the Aurors just in time to catch me with my hands in the biscuit bin.
If the biscuit bin was a sealed safe and the biscuit was some sort of glowing ball thing that, er, well - I never was too sure what it did. Never found out, neither. Just remember that it was worth about 300 Galleons to my buyer.
She broke the door in, promptly tripped over it (which would've provided me with an opportunity to escape if I was the clever sort) then pointed her wand at me. As I couldn't suitably explain what I was doing there or why my hands were red and my feet were rapidly turning the same, she arrested me. It was not my finest moment.
Well, at least she didn't send me to Azkaban. Even got me out of holding without a hearing. Turns out she'd been palling around with her cousin. Good old Sirius! Wish I'd known he'd got out. Would've shown him a good welcome. He's always been one who knows a good deal when he comes across it.
Well, the two of them apparently got together and decided I'd be of more help to 'em not in prison, but doing what I do best. Help them, and Dumbledore with this 'Order' business and the Aurors stay off my back at the same time.
What the hell, eh? I guess it wasn't such a bad job to get caught on after all.
Just wish they'd've let me keep that glowy-ball-thingummy.
~*~
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Mundungus Fletcher, Assorted Goblins, and a Nymphadorian Cameo
Summary: Childhood over a Pint - Don't Cross Goblins - Caught by a Rookie (Or How I Joined the Order)
Author's Notes: Thanks to magnolia_mama and msmoocow, without whom this story would still be disconnected scribbles on napkins. gunderpants, you wanted parody/homage, so, my sincerest apologies to Raymond Chandler. I tried.
~ Originally written for hp_summergen ~
~*~
I
Most people don't remember their first bit of accidental magic, you know. Sure, they've heard the stories from their parents, for all those are worth. You know how it is; parents have a knack for inflating the trivial. Making the dead boring into something special.
Useless, the lot of them.
"'My Rastus, he had a tantrum and locked his bedroom door to keep his brother out, all by himself.'"
"'Little Gertrude, she organized her whole bookshelf.'"
And that Weasley woman, with her never-ending supply of stories.
"'Charlie, he Levitated one of our chickens, saved its life that time it got stuck up on the roof. And him only five years old!'"
And on and on and on and on.
Now that you mention it, I do remember mine.
'N what'd'I do, you ask. Well, me, I stole. Typical eh? Don't tell me you're surprised. I'm seven, right, just a wee thing, and I want dessert. Not much, just a pumpkin pasty. Me mum wouldn't buy me one at the shop. Don't rightly remember why, but s'not like it's important.
Well, she wouldn't let me have it, so, when she turned her back, I Summoned it straight to me. Caused quite a stir, zooming down Diagon like that. Nearly gave me Granddad an attack. And set my mum off. Brought loads of trouble down on my head. I was in dutch for a long while.
"'Nother round over here, luv."
Course, not as much as the time I used magic underage (the old shadow-severing spell what was banned after that kid tricked some Muggle into believing he was a pixie or summat. You know, I heard that Muggle went on to write a book about him, turned him into some never-aging, flying legend. Not bad for some trickster out for a bit of fun, eh?) That was great spell. Really is a shame they banned it, not that it stopped me. Story for a different day, though.
That time was the most trouble I caught as a youngin, but the zooming pasty was a close second.
I like to think I've gotten a bit more subtle since then.
~*~
II
WHAM!
Those goblins, they sure know how to pack a wallop.
I want to pick up the pieces of my face and try to replace them in some approximation of their original order, but with my hands quite literally tied behind my back, it's pretty much out of the question.
I blink my face back together.
Well, try to, at any rate. I never knew what a force of will it took to close your eyelids.
I knew Ludo Bagman was about as trustworthy as, well, me, and yet here I am, having my face being introduced to the fists of various goblins. Or, rather, the magical projects of their fists, which are quite a bit stronger than their ordinary undersized, over-knuckled fists. Less warts too, usually.
Frankly, I think my face would have preferred a more conventional meeting, with Firewhiskey and maybe the exchange of some gold and Class C substances, but when you get caught trying to trick some already irate goblins, you take what you can get. At least my head wasn't being introduced to a dragon's digestive tract, is what I'm saying.
I do wish they'd start asking me questions, though. This beating up part's the most boring part of the interrogation process. Not too much negotiation a man can do, really.
"'I'll tell y' what you want if you let me keep that tooth there.'"
"'Oh, this one? Sorry old chap, let me pop that back in your mouth for you.'"
"'Thanks, mate. You're a right old duffer.'"
Don't really work like that. Even trying to say it'll probably come out as more of a "Mmpff, mrp mf mm wuf."
I think that translates to "I'm a purple leaf knickers, please rock," in Gobbledy Gook anyway. Not a phrase that garners respect in a negotiation.
"Why were you stealing from us? Don't you know what we can do to you? Don't you know any better?"
Not really, no.
"What were you trying to accomplish?"
"Just trying to help out a mate. Needed a spot of gold, didn't have too many avenues to get it, himself. Thought I could lend a hand."
The short one turns to the, er, shorter one. "Grak, mff plvtik, Bagman."
The shorter one turns back to me. "Bagman? You were helping Bagman!"
Oops.
KRRAACK!
Ow.
This isn't going as well as I'd hoped.
"You'd steal from us, steal from us to give Bagman money to pay us? I didn't realize he had friends more foolish than himself. I would gift you to one of our trolls if I didn't think it would be a waste of its time."
Now seems to be the time to back-pedal. Sweet-talking might work with Ol' Figgy, but something tells me that it won't work well with recently cheated goblins.
"Let's not be hasty, eh? You stopped me before I was able to nick anything. Maybe we can come to an arrangement. I c'n scratch your backs if you let me out of these bindings."
The short one pauses. "Our business with Bagman is with Bagman alone. You are an unnecessary complication in that business. It would be simpler to just remove you."
Putting on a winning smile is rather painful when your face is swollen like you'd decided to make a nice snack out of the thorns of a Grasping Nettle, but I do my very best.
"Well, let's see what I can do to remove myself from that business. Ludo's done me a bad turn here 'n I've no desire to involve myself in his business anymore. We can strike up our own bargain without muddling with him, can't we?"
The shorter goblin nods to the shortest of all, and my bindings loosen.
"I've recently got a lead on some Class A Untradables. The sort of thing you gents might be interested in.
Let's make a deal."
~*~
III
Being caught red-handed is dead embarrassing. Especially when your hands are actually red.
I didn't know that the artifact would turn my hands red. Should be a lesson to me, never trust a hag bearing tales of expensive magical items in easily break-into-able locations with low security.
I'm sure someone out there's got a better way of phrasing that, but turning a pretty phrase has never been one of my preferred skills.
Only thing that could make it worse was being caught by some junior Auror out on her first assignment. Which was exactly what happened.
'Dromeda Tonks' girl, good people by all accounts, though her mum and dad were never too interested in the more lively shades of grey in life. She was all grown up and had joined the Aurors just in time to catch me with my hands in the biscuit bin.
If the biscuit bin was a sealed safe and the biscuit was some sort of glowing ball thing that, er, well - I never was too sure what it did. Never found out, neither. Just remember that it was worth about 300 Galleons to my buyer.
She broke the door in, promptly tripped over it (which would've provided me with an opportunity to escape if I was the clever sort) then pointed her wand at me. As I couldn't suitably explain what I was doing there or why my hands were red and my feet were rapidly turning the same, she arrested me. It was not my finest moment.
Well, at least she didn't send me to Azkaban. Even got me out of holding without a hearing. Turns out she'd been palling around with her cousin. Good old Sirius! Wish I'd known he'd got out. Would've shown him a good welcome. He's always been one who knows a good deal when he comes across it.
Well, the two of them apparently got together and decided I'd be of more help to 'em not in prison, but doing what I do best. Help them, and Dumbledore with this 'Order' business and the Aurors stay off my back at the same time.
What the hell, eh? I guess it wasn't such a bad job to get caught on after all.
Just wish they'd've let me keep that glowy-ball-thingummy.
~*~