Drabble Clean-up :: Assorted HP (crack)
Title: Costumes
Fandom: HP
Pairing: Neville/Ginny
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~220
Prompt: halloween
Author's Notes: For philotic_net
~*~
They were going to be late to the party.
"Ginny!" Neville called up the stairs. "Haven't you got your costume on yet?"
"Just another minute, Nev," she called back.
Neville slumped down in an armchair, idly plucking at the lute his costume required. He was beginning to regret agreeing to go as Beedle the Bard. Hopefully everyone would have the sense not to ask him to play the bloody lute, as it was really more conceptual than anything else. Bard, lute, something like that, he didn't know, he'd just agreed to whatever Hermione was saying because he'd learned it was best not to argue. Ever.
At least the lute wasn't as bad as the cap.
"Ginny!" he said again just as she bounced down the stairs. Wearing perfectly ordinary robes and nothing that could in any way be described as a costume.
"Gin? Costume?" Neville said, dumbfounded.
Ginny flashed him a wicked grin and tossed her rather longer hair. "I'm wearing it."
Neville raised an eyebrow.
She grinned again and advanced on him. "But it's really more of a private costume. Just for you, later tonight?" she said, crawling into his lap.
Neville choked a little and tried to hide it in a cough. "Yeah? What is it?"
Ginny's hands whispered up his chest as she leaned in to breathe in his ear. "Lady Godiva," she said.
They were late for the party.
~*~
Title: What were you thinking?
Fandom: HP
Character: Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~270
Prompt: neville/venus fly trap
Author's Notes: For msmoocow
~*~
"Neville, what were you thinking?"
Neville blushes even redder and peeks out from between his fingers. He winces.
"I thought we'd already established that I wasn't thinking, Luna," he mumbles to his palms.
"Oh," she says. "I thought perhaps you'd heard of a some peculiar enhancement, or something of the like, and if it was interesting enough, I wanted to write an article about it for Daddy's paper."
Neville groans loudly. "No articles, please, Luna. This is bad enough as it is. Please just. Just get it off. And please don't tell anyone."
Luna bends and carefully Banishes Neville's trousers. "Oh, I would never, Neville, not unless you let me. Though I'm sure Dean and Seamus would--"
Neville looks up sharply. "No! Seamus-- Seamus is the one who got me into this in the first place."
Luna circles him, wand in hand, examining the problem. "Oh, did he get you intoxicated?"
Neville's face is back in his hands. "Yes," he groans.
"Then I suppose I can see how this might have happened," she says. "Seamus can be very persuasive; did you know he once convinced me to--"
"Luna, please. This actually hurts quite a bit."
She says, "Oh, yes, sorry," and taps the Venus Fly Trap three times with her wand.
Neville feels an unpleasantly pleasant sucking sensation, and the fly trap falls away from his groin. He shuts his eyes in relief. "Oh, thank Merlin. You are a lifesaver, Luna."
Luna hands Neville his trousers and grins. "You're very welcome, Neville. Just tell me, did you achieve what you expected, placeing your penis inside of a Venus Fly Trap?"
Neville grimaces and drops his face back into his hands. "Unfortunately, yes."
~*~
Title: A Learning Experience
Fandom: HP / DC
Character: Batman, Superman, Harry Potter
Rating: G
Word Count: ~320
Prompt: Harry Potter comes to the aid of Superman or Batman when they've locked their keys out of their car
Author's Notes: For fireworkfiasco
~*~
"I don't understand how this could have even happened. I-- it doesn't even have keys," Batman says, rubbing the bridge of his nose as best he could through his mask.
Superman scratches his head. "Well, I suppose I could probably...I'm pretty sure I could get my fist through the window, release the lock that way. But the door won't survive."
Batman looks up. "You know, I did design the Batmobile to-- Yeah, you're right."
Superman turns back to the car. "So. Should I..."
"Just give me a minute, will you?" Batman all but snarls. "Robin has a spare remote transmitter; he should be here by now."
Superman rolls his eyes and sits on the hood of the Batmobile. After a few moments, he starts to whistle.
"And would you stop that?" Batman says.
"Sorry," Superman mutters. "I can always just fly you and it back to the--"
"Because that won't be conspicuous at all. Where the hell is that kid?"
Just then, a loud -POP- sounds behind them. Superman whirls, but Batman just sighs.
"It's only the new Robin," he says. A little louder, he says, "It's about damn time. Where the hell were you?"
The boy grins, street lamps gleaming off the lenses of the glasses he's placed over his domino mask. "Sorry," he says. "Long distance Appartition, you know. Just visiting my girlfriend, Ginny, hard to get away."
Batman grips the bridge of his nose again, while Superman barely manages to suppress a smirk.
"Look, Robin, we talked about this," Batman grits out. "You are here to learn how to angst in a healthy--"
Superman snorts at this.
"--fashion. Girlfriends, happy girlfriends, disrupt the angst," he finishes.
'Robin', chagrined, mumbles, "Sorry. So, erm, what was it you were calling me about?"
"The Batmobile is locked, for some reason. You should have a--"
"A wand?" 'Robin' interjects. "Of course! Here, let me try: Accio keys!"
Batman drops his face into his hands as showers of keys rain down from every apartment in Gotham. He has to get rid of this kid.
~*~
Title: The Best Stories
Fandom: HP
Character: JKR
Rating: G
Word Count: ~380
Prompt: a short history of the Harry Potter fandom, as told by J.Ro to her children
Author's Notes: For fireworkfiasco
~*~
Nanna Rowling tucked her blanket around her knees as she picked up the large, square silver case. The little ones gathered around her feet, gazing upwards expectantly as they munched their biscuits.
"Now where were we, darlings," she said in a voice far stronger than her looks would make one think. She perched her spectacles at the end of her nose and pulled open the lid, a gleam illuminating her face. "Ah, yes, Chapter Three: Shipping."
An excited whisper raced amongst the children and she waited for it to calm before continuing. "Now I'm sure you all remember what we read last time, didn't you? That's right, character-bashing." She wrinkled her nose and grinned down at them. "We don't like that, do we, dears?"
"No!" they cried together. "We love all the characters!"
Nanna Rowling smiled. "Very good. Now we're going to learn one of the reasons why it happened so much." She turned the 'laptop' around to show them a large illustration. "This is called a Venn Diagram. That's Vee - Eee - Enn - Enn. Venn Diagram. And all these circles, those are different groups of people called shippers. They liked to pair up different groups of Nanna's characters."
"What would they do that?" asked one curly-haired moppet.
"That's a very good question," Nanna said. "They did it because they liked to see them kiss."
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww," was the reply.
"I agree," she said with a grin. "Now some of these groups liked to use the same characters, and they didn't much get along. So sometimes there would be things called Flamewars."
And as she progressed to describing typical interactions, and how it was never right to wish that someone had died in childbirth, the children's eyes grew large, their mouths gaped, and they listened with a reverent silence. Soon her voice started to croak, as she expanded on the hatred of any character with red hair (which made one little ginger-haired boy wrinkle his face and begin to cry), and she soon had to stop.
"I think that's enough, now, dears; it's nearly time for bed," Nanna Rowling said, as young Richard was spirited away by his mum. "Next time I see you, I'll tell you all about Chapter Four: BNFs. Won't that be fun?"
The remaining children laughed and clapped their hands. Nanna Rowling always told the best stories.
~*~
Title: Toys
Fandom: HP
Character: Crookshanks
Rating: G
Word Count: 175
Prompt: crookshanks!
Author's Notes: For belladonna803
~*~
Brownmummy thinks Crookshanks doesn't like the itsy fluffybits she brings home for him. They come in all colors, some colors Crookshanks doesn't even know, and they tickle his nose. Sometimes they smell funny, and they taste nothing like the flittybugs he catches or tastybits Redboy makes. Most of them don't even move
But he likes them. Presents from Brownmummy are always the best, even if they do stick in his teeth and have no smell of magic on them.
Brownmummy thinks he doesn't like because Crookshanks never touches them when she's around.
That would be no fun.
They disappear from the house, which makes Brownmummy even more sure Crookshanks doesn't like them, once she realizes they aren't being snatched away by a ghostything. She searches up and down, even checked the gnome holes (and this is another reason Crookshanks likes them; Brownmummy does the strangest things, looking) but she never finds them. If she found them, she would never bring any more home, and Crookshanks can't have that.
It's a good thing Crookshanks is so good at sneaking and hiding.
~*~
Title: Still Zero
Fandom: HP
Pairing: Hermione/Draco
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~280
Prompt: breathe-right nasal strips
Author's Notes: For itsbeenvery
~*~
Draco turns it over and over in his hands.
"And what, exactly, are you trying to tell me with this?" he sneers, squinting at the box.
Hermione simply huffs and rolls her eyes. "Would you just try one?"
"Not until you tell me exactly what I'm holding and wh--," he starts, breaking off as Hermione snatches the box out of his hands and tears the top off. She pulls a small plastic strip out and waggles it under his nose.
"It's a Muggle device which will make you happier, as it will allow me to get some sleep. You snore, Malfoy, worse than anyone I've ever heard. And I used to summer at the Weasley's," she says, her voice more exasperated than actually angry.
Draco swats her hand away. "I do not snore! You take that back, Granger."
Hermione covers her mouth with her hand and tries to stifle her giggles.
"What?" he says, offended.
She swallows her laugh. "No, it's nothing, but..."
"'But?'" he says, raising an eyebrow.
"But," she says, "I can't believe that you are actually more upset that I accused you of snoring than that attempted to cure it with a Muggle device."
"I-- You-- There's nothing to cure. Malfoys do not snore. Period."
Hermione leans in close and forces the strip into his hand again; he takes it reflexively.
"Perhaps you're right. Perhaps I'm a nutter. But I'm not really interested in being proved wrong, Malfoy," she says. "Either you wear the strip, or you don't get back into my bed."
Draco's face twitches.
"If it makes you feel better, just pretend I have a fetish for Muggle sleep aids. Or bandaged noses," she says.
As Draco, red-faced, contemplates the slim plastic strip in his hand, Hermione smirks. Granger: 27, Malfoy: still 0.
~*~
Fandom: HP
Pairing: Neville/Ginny
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~220
Prompt: halloween
Author's Notes: For philotic_net
~*~
They were going to be late to the party.
"Ginny!" Neville called up the stairs. "Haven't you got your costume on yet?"
"Just another minute, Nev," she called back.
Neville slumped down in an armchair, idly plucking at the lute his costume required. He was beginning to regret agreeing to go as Beedle the Bard. Hopefully everyone would have the sense not to ask him to play the bloody lute, as it was really more conceptual than anything else. Bard, lute, something like that, he didn't know, he'd just agreed to whatever Hermione was saying because he'd learned it was best not to argue. Ever.
At least the lute wasn't as bad as the cap.
"Ginny!" he said again just as she bounced down the stairs. Wearing perfectly ordinary robes and nothing that could in any way be described as a costume.
"Gin? Costume?" Neville said, dumbfounded.
Ginny flashed him a wicked grin and tossed her rather longer hair. "I'm wearing it."
Neville raised an eyebrow.
She grinned again and advanced on him. "But it's really more of a private costume. Just for you, later tonight?" she said, crawling into his lap.
Neville choked a little and tried to hide it in a cough. "Yeah? What is it?"
Ginny's hands whispered up his chest as she leaned in to breathe in his ear. "Lady Godiva," she said.
They were late for the party.
~*~
Title: What were you thinking?
Fandom: HP
Character: Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~270
Prompt: neville/venus fly trap
Author's Notes: For msmoocow
~*~
"Neville, what were you thinking?"
Neville blushes even redder and peeks out from between his fingers. He winces.
"I thought we'd already established that I wasn't thinking, Luna," he mumbles to his palms.
"Oh," she says. "I thought perhaps you'd heard of a some peculiar enhancement, or something of the like, and if it was interesting enough, I wanted to write an article about it for Daddy's paper."
Neville groans loudly. "No articles, please, Luna. This is bad enough as it is. Please just. Just get it off. And please don't tell anyone."
Luna bends and carefully Banishes Neville's trousers. "Oh, I would never, Neville, not unless you let me. Though I'm sure Dean and Seamus would--"
Neville looks up sharply. "No! Seamus-- Seamus is the one who got me into this in the first place."
Luna circles him, wand in hand, examining the problem. "Oh, did he get you intoxicated?"
Neville's face is back in his hands. "Yes," he groans.
"Then I suppose I can see how this might have happened," she says. "Seamus can be very persuasive; did you know he once convinced me to--"
"Luna, please. This actually hurts quite a bit."
She says, "Oh, yes, sorry," and taps the Venus Fly Trap three times with her wand.
Neville feels an unpleasantly pleasant sucking sensation, and the fly trap falls away from his groin. He shuts his eyes in relief. "Oh, thank Merlin. You are a lifesaver, Luna."
Luna hands Neville his trousers and grins. "You're very welcome, Neville. Just tell me, did you achieve what you expected, placeing your penis inside of a Venus Fly Trap?"
Neville grimaces and drops his face back into his hands. "Unfortunately, yes."
~*~
Title: A Learning Experience
Fandom: HP / DC
Character: Batman, Superman, Harry Potter
Rating: G
Word Count: ~320
Prompt: Harry Potter comes to the aid of Superman or Batman when they've locked their keys out of their car
Author's Notes: For fireworkfiasco
~*~
"I don't understand how this could have even happened. I-- it doesn't even have keys," Batman says, rubbing the bridge of his nose as best he could through his mask.
Superman scratches his head. "Well, I suppose I could probably...I'm pretty sure I could get my fist through the window, release the lock that way. But the door won't survive."
Batman looks up. "You know, I did design the Batmobile to-- Yeah, you're right."
Superman turns back to the car. "So. Should I..."
"Just give me a minute, will you?" Batman all but snarls. "Robin has a spare remote transmitter; he should be here by now."
Superman rolls his eyes and sits on the hood of the Batmobile. After a few moments, he starts to whistle.
"And would you stop that?" Batman says.
"Sorry," Superman mutters. "I can always just fly you and it back to the--"
"Because that won't be conspicuous at all. Where the hell is that kid?"
Just then, a loud -POP- sounds behind them. Superman whirls, but Batman just sighs.
"It's only the new Robin," he says. A little louder, he says, "It's about damn time. Where the hell were you?"
The boy grins, street lamps gleaming off the lenses of the glasses he's placed over his domino mask. "Sorry," he says. "Long distance Appartition, you know. Just visiting my girlfriend, Ginny, hard to get away."
Batman grips the bridge of his nose again, while Superman barely manages to suppress a smirk.
"Look, Robin, we talked about this," Batman grits out. "You are here to learn how to angst in a healthy--"
Superman snorts at this.
"--fashion. Girlfriends, happy girlfriends, disrupt the angst," he finishes.
'Robin', chagrined, mumbles, "Sorry. So, erm, what was it you were calling me about?"
"The Batmobile is locked, for some reason. You should have a--"
"A wand?" 'Robin' interjects. "Of course! Here, let me try: Accio keys!"
Batman drops his face into his hands as showers of keys rain down from every apartment in Gotham. He has to get rid of this kid.
~*~
Title: The Best Stories
Fandom: HP
Character: JKR
Rating: G
Word Count: ~380
Prompt: a short history of the Harry Potter fandom, as told by J.Ro to her children
Author's Notes: For fireworkfiasco
~*~
Nanna Rowling tucked her blanket around her knees as she picked up the large, square silver case. The little ones gathered around her feet, gazing upwards expectantly as they munched their biscuits.
"Now where were we, darlings," she said in a voice far stronger than her looks would make one think. She perched her spectacles at the end of her nose and pulled open the lid, a gleam illuminating her face. "Ah, yes, Chapter Three: Shipping."
An excited whisper raced amongst the children and she waited for it to calm before continuing. "Now I'm sure you all remember what we read last time, didn't you? That's right, character-bashing." She wrinkled her nose and grinned down at them. "We don't like that, do we, dears?"
"No!" they cried together. "We love all the characters!"
Nanna Rowling smiled. "Very good. Now we're going to learn one of the reasons why it happened so much." She turned the 'laptop' around to show them a large illustration. "This is called a Venn Diagram. That's Vee - Eee - Enn - Enn. Venn Diagram. And all these circles, those are different groups of people called shippers. They liked to pair up different groups of Nanna's characters."
"What would they do that?" asked one curly-haired moppet.
"That's a very good question," Nanna said. "They did it because they liked to see them kiss."
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww," was the reply.
"I agree," she said with a grin. "Now some of these groups liked to use the same characters, and they didn't much get along. So sometimes there would be things called Flamewars."
And as she progressed to describing typical interactions, and how it was never right to wish that someone had died in childbirth, the children's eyes grew large, their mouths gaped, and they listened with a reverent silence. Soon her voice started to croak, as she expanded on the hatred of any character with red hair (which made one little ginger-haired boy wrinkle his face and begin to cry), and she soon had to stop.
"I think that's enough, now, dears; it's nearly time for bed," Nanna Rowling said, as young Richard was spirited away by his mum. "Next time I see you, I'll tell you all about Chapter Four: BNFs. Won't that be fun?"
The remaining children laughed and clapped their hands. Nanna Rowling always told the best stories.
~*~
Title: Toys
Fandom: HP
Character: Crookshanks
Rating: G
Word Count: 175
Prompt: crookshanks!
Author's Notes: For belladonna803
~*~
Brownmummy thinks Crookshanks doesn't like the itsy fluffybits she brings home for him. They come in all colors, some colors Crookshanks doesn't even know, and they tickle his nose. Sometimes they smell funny, and they taste nothing like the flittybugs he catches or tastybits Redboy makes. Most of them don't even move
But he likes them. Presents from Brownmummy are always the best, even if they do stick in his teeth and have no smell of magic on them.
Brownmummy thinks he doesn't like because Crookshanks never touches them when she's around.
That would be no fun.
They disappear from the house, which makes Brownmummy even more sure Crookshanks doesn't like them, once she realizes they aren't being snatched away by a ghostything. She searches up and down, even checked the gnome holes (and this is another reason Crookshanks likes them; Brownmummy does the strangest things, looking) but she never finds them. If she found them, she would never bring any more home, and Crookshanks can't have that.
It's a good thing Crookshanks is so good at sneaking and hiding.
~*~
Title: Still Zero
Fandom: HP
Pairing: Hermione/Draco
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~280
Prompt: breathe-right nasal strips
Author's Notes: For itsbeenvery
~*~
Draco turns it over and over in his hands.
"And what, exactly, are you trying to tell me with this?" he sneers, squinting at the box.
Hermione simply huffs and rolls her eyes. "Would you just try one?"
"Not until you tell me exactly what I'm holding and wh--," he starts, breaking off as Hermione snatches the box out of his hands and tears the top off. She pulls a small plastic strip out and waggles it under his nose.
"It's a Muggle device which will make you happier, as it will allow me to get some sleep. You snore, Malfoy, worse than anyone I've ever heard. And I used to summer at the Weasley's," she says, her voice more exasperated than actually angry.
Draco swats her hand away. "I do not snore! You take that back, Granger."
Hermione covers her mouth with her hand and tries to stifle her giggles.
"What?" he says, offended.
She swallows her laugh. "No, it's nothing, but..."
"'But?'" he says, raising an eyebrow.
"But," she says, "I can't believe that you are actually more upset that I accused you of snoring than that attempted to cure it with a Muggle device."
"I-- You-- There's nothing to cure. Malfoys do not snore. Period."
Hermione leans in close and forces the strip into his hand again; he takes it reflexively.
"Perhaps you're right. Perhaps I'm a nutter. But I'm not really interested in being proved wrong, Malfoy," she says. "Either you wear the strip, or you don't get back into my bed."
Draco's face twitches.
"If it makes you feel better, just pretend I have a fetish for Muggle sleep aids. Or bandaged noses," she says.
As Draco, red-faced, contemplates the slim plastic strip in his hand, Hermione smirks. Granger: 27, Malfoy: still 0.
~*~