(no subject)
so yeah...i have officially felt the wrath of the girl. i'll be surprised if she ever picks up her phone when i call...ever again. and i am not even kidding. i'll be surprised if she keeps her phone number the same. what can i do. it wasn't about her. i love her. but for her i guess it was about the delivery...? maybe because i said "fuck you"? maybe because i was angry? you tell me. not to comfort me, but so i can understand. but that is if she will even talk to you so you can understand. she has a nice little life in portland. maybe i will become her stalker and call and call and call and she will never pick up because i said "fuck you" because i was honest because because because of something i don't know because she's not gonna talk to me anyway, so why worry but maybe someday i'll go to wherever she is and sit by her car and wait for her to come out so she can't avoid me, but she'll ignore me anyway. yes, i have met her. what to do how to feel i feel scared...really scared. she hates me for real. but i won't take it back. i know i won't. ever. maybe that is selfish. but my intention was not for her to be hurt. it was to understand. just understand. just step outside herself and take whatever i had and understand that it was me and how i felt. that is all i ever wanted. but that is all i was ever scared of too. that the no holes barred truth would push her away. well, i guess i was right to be scared. because that is what it did. everything seems so useless now. friendships relationships family just dipping and swaying and not really understanding over and over and over and then sometimes you get enough of something good to have an expectation and then it gets shit on and then there is disapointment again. it's inevitable. wow. i made somebody uncare about me. that is some powerful shit. i THINK i am gonna go cry now. but i can't tell. i just feel really gross. she made it count this time.