"If our beliefs are important enough, we live our lives in service to them. “ -Holly Dunsworth (this comes form
here, which is a brilliant and rather accurate description of some of my own beliefs about evolution)
I need to be less reserved and fearful. Life is to be lived; to be savored. I spend it in constant exploration, yet I still limit myself by being too afraid to take on something new. Still too afraid to charge screaming into the dark, ready to fight with whatever may rest there.
I feel that the ones who are most willing to charge whole-heartedly into new territory are those who live most; those who learn and enjoy and savor and accomplish so much more of life. We all have limited time here, and that means no time to be wasted on being timid. It's true--those who fear failure the least, fail the most. But each failure is a lesson, and thus they are also the people who learn the most from their mistakes, and who in turn succeed vastly more in the long run.
I spend so much time avoiding what I have to do. I see each project as something massive that will take so much effort to overcome, but I know from experience that those times when I fly in haphazardly, guns blazing, are the times when I get the most done to the highest quality. I've been trying to figure out how to cultivate this mindset on command, but with little success. For now, it comes and goes as it pleases.
I've felt so lazy lately. Well, not lazy really, but unwilling/unable to do what used to be thoughtlessly routine. I don't know why this is, but it is. It's been a problem. There's a block in the way, and I can't figure out how to move it.
This grant thing is becoming less and less probable. I came home tonight instead of staying at Alli's to work on it some more (because I'm batshit crazy). There are a lot of variables to figure out to make it compelling, I think, and I'm worried that I can't get it done before Friday. The answer, considering what's written above? Launch into it, take the risk, do my best, turn it in. Nothing to lose but some time, which will be well-invested for the experience anyway. What am I afraid of? A bunch of people not awarding me money for a project that I'll likely do anyway because I didn't do a good job selling the idea? How devastating!
Embarrassment. That's what I'm afraid of. That and the risk that somehow a failure will affect my reputation as a student who succeeds and does great things; make me less bulletproof and make people doubt me more in future efforts. What stupid things to worry about. Perfectionism is one of my strongest and most persistent traits.
I think my life would be much better if I were on a regular sleep schedule. My mom says I haven't been on a regular sleep schedule since I was 4 years old. It seems I just don't get tired on the normal 24 hour schedule. I sleep way longer, and I stay up way longer, than usual. I slept 14 hours the other night for no reason. It looks like I'll be going for 30+ hours today (with a nap mid-way). People don't understand how I can do this, but I can do it because it doesn't take much effort. How can other people go to sleep after only being awake 16 hours?
The real problem is that it doesn't line up with everyone else, and it's never a regular and predictable thing. I can't plan far ahead because the time that I'll be awake changes so often. It's usually during the day, but come crunch time it gets completely thrown off. I went 3 days during finals week one time on 5 hours of sleep. It sucked, and it was hard to stay awake then, but it got the job done.
And so now I'll go and not sleep again to get the job done. Not that I'm all that tired, but a nap would feel good.