Digging Deep
A guy like me who types 100+ words per minutes without a second thought should not be so easily reduced to hovering fingers by the task of my journal. Yet, here we are; as open and honest as I like to be with everybody, I somehow manage to struggle putting muddled thought clouds into swirling black and white.
I highly doubt my LiveJournal is properly ordained, but just the same, I feel it's time for some confession. Things have been rough lately. I haven't been so disappointed with my academic performance (or lack thereof) since my first semester in college back in 2003. The summer semester was a bust, and I'm paying for it now by doubling up on my credit hours to make up for the shoddy grades I earned. College is like an orchestra preparing for an opening night that is just days away. The pressure of reality and so-called adulthood looms over every rise of pitch and depth of tone. The stress serves only to destabilize the harmony that is so crucial to a solid and appreciable performance. All it takes is an overly exaggerated conductive gesture to throw the entire finely tuned mass. Even if the harmony is won back immediately, it's no surprise when the conductor becomes washed over in crimson.
Saving face is perhaps the least of my concerns, but then there is the unfortunate fact that my excellent job at Achieva Credit Union turned out to be a bust. Just a week shy of my ninety days, I was informed most abruptly that "things just aren't working out," and so it was decided not to "retain my services." I mean... I've been fired before, and I am not too proud that I cannot come to terms with such a thing. The rub here is the fact that my boss, in her infinite wisdom, was incapable of giving me a straight answer when I asked her quite simply what it was that I did wrong or could've done better to 'meet expectations.' I'm adept at coming to grips with my shortcomings, and I rather prefer knowing how to better myself... but there is no greater frustration in my world than being made to feel that all possible corrective actions are futile. In spite of my resolve, I almost lost it when she implied that she "understood" that this was "probably my first real job" and wasn't surprised that I "didn't take it serious enough." At this point, I would probably sound bitter pointing out that I had been completing as much as twice the workload of my peers since I came on board and had been very well received in all corners of the company.
In spite of my disappointment, I have since decided that I am not bitter about it. In fact, I even dropped by to leave a Thank You card for the IT department, as I did feel that they did a great job making me feel welcome during my tenure. Ever since that bombshell, I've been putting off the inevitable quest for new employment. My bills have been manageable. My modest savings coincided well with my birthday this year in keeping me afloat, although I can already feel the financial noose getting ever tighter now that my classes are... *gulp*...all paid up. To the best of my ability, I am diving head first into this semester with the intention of proving to myself that I can exceed the expectations I have set for myself.
On a lighter note, I have been making some progress in other areas of my life. My New Year's Resolution seems to be going well, as I am about halfway to my target weight already after dropping 53lbs in 8 weeks! I remain optimistic, but I can already see that my body is beginning to plateau, and I'm fighting tooth and nail to keep the progress fairly steady. Also, I've been dating a bit lately. A friend of mine at Achieva had asked me to lunch not long ago, and we've been out twice since then. I get the feeling that she likes me a lot... As if by bitter irony, though, I don't really seem to be developing feelings for her so far, and it's beginning to wear on my conscience. In my recent history, I have come to doubt my own standards for women, which I know is probably a dangerous gamble, but it's been such a long time since I have really connected with a woman that I'm afraid I hardly remember how. I'm probably just being dramatic, but to be fair, I'm trying to keep an open mind with her. In my heart, I'm just afraid to hurt her, especially if amorous sentiments fail to surface. The way she talks to me, I may have already given her the wrong idea. Nevertheless, I have to laugh at myself a little. Here I am worrying about sending 'the wrong signals' as if I had a handle on things. More than likely, I have the communicative aptitude of a prepubescent. Making my intentions clear seems to be like trying to signal Morse Code by waving my hands wildly in the air... And, so far, it appears that all lines are temporarily down.
I want to thank a special someone for suggesting my song choice of the evening, as it turned out to be rather appropriate. An old favorite of mine already, I certainly feel the passionate words ringing in my ears to "Save Yourself!" No matter how many people there are out there that love you, eventually we all come to terms with a simple truth: only we have the power to initiate change in our own lives. Sure, allies and enemies alike can inspire us with the drive, but the real courage comes from within. Cliche as that sounds, it rings truer now than ever before. I'm making a difference, starting with my life and working outward. One of the greatest things we can do on this humble planet is working to change someone's life for the better, so I say... why not start with our own? Lead by example, as it resonates from antiquity.
Coming full circle now, I think I have dug deep enough for one night. A lot of things that have happened in my life these last 6 months have been powerfully influential. Without a doubt, my entire outlook on life has been dramatically shifted, not necessarily because of lost job opportunities or collegiate woes, but rather the veins of an awakened consciousness that run deeper than I have ever known. Never upon another would I wish the kinds of experiences that solicit such change in a man, and yet, I am strikingly without regret for them. I'm not inclined to believe in God or destiny, but recent events have certainly lit a fire under my ass, and I'm not going to be caught sitting down on the job!
If you've managed to read this far, you either have FAR too much free time, or I am lucky to have a friend taking such an interest in the ebb and flow of my torrential life. I've always found it tragic that I, gifted with access to the vastness of the English language, find myself so embattled to properly express myself. A part of me wants very badly to write a book. In fact, I even have a general outline of the plot constantly budding in my mind, threatening to burst forth. So, What's stopping me?...
Purpose. Significance. Meaning.
It happens to be a tale of great importance to me, and it needs to shared in good form. My inspiration is stroked by my imagination and stifled by my criticisms. All in due time, I suppose. True to form, I like to entertain a topic for thought. So...
Question of the evening:
Is it possible that the courage to fall in love is immutably linked to the confidence necessary to bury oneself in the depth of their partner's eyes?
Quote of the evening:
"There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go."
- Richard Bach (A Bridge Across Forever, 1984)
Discuss. :)
-Jay
I highly doubt my LiveJournal is properly ordained, but just the same, I feel it's time for some confession. Things have been rough lately. I haven't been so disappointed with my academic performance (or lack thereof) since my first semester in college back in 2003. The summer semester was a bust, and I'm paying for it now by doubling up on my credit hours to make up for the shoddy grades I earned. College is like an orchestra preparing for an opening night that is just days away. The pressure of reality and so-called adulthood looms over every rise of pitch and depth of tone. The stress serves only to destabilize the harmony that is so crucial to a solid and appreciable performance. All it takes is an overly exaggerated conductive gesture to throw the entire finely tuned mass. Even if the harmony is won back immediately, it's no surprise when the conductor becomes washed over in crimson.
Saving face is perhaps the least of my concerns, but then there is the unfortunate fact that my excellent job at Achieva Credit Union turned out to be a bust. Just a week shy of my ninety days, I was informed most abruptly that "things just aren't working out," and so it was decided not to "retain my services." I mean... I've been fired before, and I am not too proud that I cannot come to terms with such a thing. The rub here is the fact that my boss, in her infinite wisdom, was incapable of giving me a straight answer when I asked her quite simply what it was that I did wrong or could've done better to 'meet expectations.' I'm adept at coming to grips with my shortcomings, and I rather prefer knowing how to better myself... but there is no greater frustration in my world than being made to feel that all possible corrective actions are futile. In spite of my resolve, I almost lost it when she implied that she "understood" that this was "probably my first real job" and wasn't surprised that I "didn't take it serious enough." At this point, I would probably sound bitter pointing out that I had been completing as much as twice the workload of my peers since I came on board and had been very well received in all corners of the company.
In spite of my disappointment, I have since decided that I am not bitter about it. In fact, I even dropped by to leave a Thank You card for the IT department, as I did feel that they did a great job making me feel welcome during my tenure. Ever since that bombshell, I've been putting off the inevitable quest for new employment. My bills have been manageable. My modest savings coincided well with my birthday this year in keeping me afloat, although I can already feel the financial noose getting ever tighter now that my classes are... *gulp*...all paid up. To the best of my ability, I am diving head first into this semester with the intention of proving to myself that I can exceed the expectations I have set for myself.
On a lighter note, I have been making some progress in other areas of my life. My New Year's Resolution seems to be going well, as I am about halfway to my target weight already after dropping 53lbs in 8 weeks! I remain optimistic, but I can already see that my body is beginning to plateau, and I'm fighting tooth and nail to keep the progress fairly steady. Also, I've been dating a bit lately. A friend of mine at Achieva had asked me to lunch not long ago, and we've been out twice since then. I get the feeling that she likes me a lot... As if by bitter irony, though, I don't really seem to be developing feelings for her so far, and it's beginning to wear on my conscience. In my recent history, I have come to doubt my own standards for women, which I know is probably a dangerous gamble, but it's been such a long time since I have really connected with a woman that I'm afraid I hardly remember how. I'm probably just being dramatic, but to be fair, I'm trying to keep an open mind with her. In my heart, I'm just afraid to hurt her, especially if amorous sentiments fail to surface. The way she talks to me, I may have already given her the wrong idea. Nevertheless, I have to laugh at myself a little. Here I am worrying about sending 'the wrong signals' as if I had a handle on things. More than likely, I have the communicative aptitude of a prepubescent. Making my intentions clear seems to be like trying to signal Morse Code by waving my hands wildly in the air... And, so far, it appears that all lines are temporarily down.
I want to thank a special someone for suggesting my song choice of the evening, as it turned out to be rather appropriate. An old favorite of mine already, I certainly feel the passionate words ringing in my ears to "Save Yourself!" No matter how many people there are out there that love you, eventually we all come to terms with a simple truth: only we have the power to initiate change in our own lives. Sure, allies and enemies alike can inspire us with the drive, but the real courage comes from within. Cliche as that sounds, it rings truer now than ever before. I'm making a difference, starting with my life and working outward. One of the greatest things we can do on this humble planet is working to change someone's life for the better, so I say... why not start with our own? Lead by example, as it resonates from antiquity.
Coming full circle now, I think I have dug deep enough for one night. A lot of things that have happened in my life these last 6 months have been powerfully influential. Without a doubt, my entire outlook on life has been dramatically shifted, not necessarily because of lost job opportunities or collegiate woes, but rather the veins of an awakened consciousness that run deeper than I have ever known. Never upon another would I wish the kinds of experiences that solicit such change in a man, and yet, I am strikingly without regret for them. I'm not inclined to believe in God or destiny, but recent events have certainly lit a fire under my ass, and I'm not going to be caught sitting down on the job!
If you've managed to read this far, you either have FAR too much free time, or I am lucky to have a friend taking such an interest in the ebb and flow of my torrential life. I've always found it tragic that I, gifted with access to the vastness of the English language, find myself so embattled to properly express myself. A part of me wants very badly to write a book. In fact, I even have a general outline of the plot constantly budding in my mind, threatening to burst forth. So, What's stopping me?...
Purpose. Significance. Meaning.
It happens to be a tale of great importance to me, and it needs to shared in good form. My inspiration is stroked by my imagination and stifled by my criticisms. All in due time, I suppose. True to form, I like to entertain a topic for thought. So...
Question of the evening:
Is it possible that the courage to fall in love is immutably linked to the confidence necessary to bury oneself in the depth of their partner's eyes?
Quote of the evening:
"There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go."
- Richard Bach (A Bridge Across Forever, 1984)
Discuss. :)
-Jay