Jack Loves Modern Art
First Visit to Art Museum, July 2009, Casio EX-S10
Disclaimer: I absolutely adore Jackson and I consider myself quite fortunate to be his mother but sometimes…
Yesterday was not the best “Mommy” day. Jackson was fussing, crying, teething and, what felt like, a million other bad “ing” words. He’s such an easy baby for the most part that when he’s not…well, it kinda hits me like a brick. My silly visions of having an adorable baby playing quitely at the feet of my sewing machine haven’t come true (except for the adorable part!) and my unfair efforts at trying to “do it all” only frustrate us more. Not fair to Jackson and a dangerous trap for me.
Yesterday I had plans. Things I wanted to get done. Jackson just had one thing on his agenda…get carried around. Unfortunately, his people didn’t communicate well with my people and we had a bit of a scheduling conflict. I tried hard to make it work in the morning but by noon (when Jim comes home for lunch), I was exhausted. Admitting defeat, we took off to explore downtown El Paso, Cafe Mayapan and El Paso Museum of Art (where Jackson was quite fond of modern art.)
I saw an episode of Oprah a couple months ago (heh, never thought I would be quoting the Oprah) where mothers were telling the dirty side of mothering and one woman said something like “You always love your children but you may not always love being a mother.” I heard that and it rang so clear and true that I couldn’t help the tears welling up in my eyes. It was so nice to hear someone say that it was ok to have off days and even though, at that moment, you’re not absolutely head over heels crazy about your wailing child…it’s ok.
I always thought, deep down inside, that I would be a great mother. I have a pretty strong nurturing instinct, get along great with kids and have had the greatest instructor on unconditional love, my mother. So when Jackson came along and I found myself in moments when I wasn’t being the best mother I knew I could be, I felt absolutely terrible. Jackson is just a sweet tiny little baby. He deserves a mother with endless patience, plentiful kisses and all the other great mothering traits everyone else seems to have. Definitely not one who sometimes rolls her eyes when he cries or purposely latches him on just so that she can update her blog. *shame*
So, yeah, sometimes there are bad days when I wonder what I’ve done to my life, if maybe this wasn’t what I was meant for. But then Jackson will reach out to me for the first time or giggle uncontrollably when I walk into a room and I know. I just know…
That this crazy, intense, eternal love I have for him is enough. It will carry me up and above the learning curve to being a good mother.
Originally published at Indie Shopper. You can comment here or there.