comatose
"Did you ever think it'd end up like this? The way you used to shred all the time, the way we could chug down a 24-pack to ourselves before either passing out or throwing up, or even the way we could love our girlfriends, our families, and each other. Did you ever think it would end up like this, Brian? Did you ever? I'll be honest with you: I never thought our lives would turn out like this. When I look outside my bedroom window, I see the waves crashing against the shore. It was such a beautiful sight, but after a while, it became boring. I wanted something else. Did you ever think that would happen, Brian? Did you ever? I guess we just pushed ourselves to the maximum. Things got so hectic in our lives. People started to leave, one by one, and I don't know what happened to us. My mind was lost among many things in this fake world we thought was the actual world. I just wish I could take everything back." Matt, who used to be such a strong man in serious times, couldn't contain his tears any longer.
Over the span of ten years, the band and their loved ones had been on such a roller coaster ride. There were times when they were certain a nice paycheck was coming in the mail for them, and there were other times when they weren't so sure if they could even make it to the next day or have food on the table. Where did they go wrong with their careers? Was it like a match? If a match is burning, eventually it's going to run out of the wood and extinguish itself or someone blows it out. What came first for Avenged Sevenfold? Maybe they blew themselves out. It was a plausible explanation.
"Do you remember that time when we both dyed our hair blonde? Wasn't that funny? I remember you wanted to dye your eyebrows, and I almost did it when you were sleeping. I wasn't going to do that to you. I knew it'd be a waste because then I'd have to clean it up or your face would probably explode," James laughed and crossed his legs. "I took out my kimono the other day, and I put it on, and I... just remembered the times we had in high school together. It was just so funny. I wish we were high schoolers forever. We wouldn't have to worry about basically anything, only people who were old enough to get us alcohol and cigarettes." James sucked on his lower lip and shook his head. He couldn't do this anymore; he couldn't live his life to the fullest because he might not know what tomorrow would bring. That was such a lie. Sometimes the things you do today won't give you a tomorrow. It wasn't worth it anymore. Blinking back his tears, he let his head hang.
"I don't know what to say to you. I'm losing myself, I'm losing my best friend, I'm losing everything we ever worked for in our band. Brian, why couldn't you have done something about this? Brian, just...why?" Johnny put his fists on his thighs and clenched his jaw. "I'm so angry at you. I've moved past the guilt, the sorrow, and now I'm angry. I know you're not like this, so I'm just confused as to why you would do something you were so strongly against. My words are lost, unheard among everyone else's voice. Hear me out just this once, though... We can't go on like this anymore." Johnny was clueless. This had never happened to him at an age where he remembered. Words like these coming from Johnny? Who would have thought.
"I don't know what to say to you. I don't want to say anything to you." Zacky couldn't understand why it took them this long to finally figure out their lives. Why it took so much pain and anger for them to understand how precious life actually was.
"Let's just go. We've been coming here for the past five months, and we haven't had any improvement. Are you guys serious or what? I'm sick of this." Zacky couldn't tell you what was about to happen. His eyes glazed over, not from tears, but from anger. Adrenaline pumped through his body, fight or flight, he thought. Oh, he was going to fight this and then flee. "I'm sick of this!" Zacky screamed until his vocal chords were sore and scratchy. "I'm sick of coming here, trying to find things to say to the man who ruined his life himself. I'm sick of seeing everyone cry themselves to fucking sleep because Brian was irresponsible and stupid. I'm not going to come back, and I'm sure as hell not going to his funeral because, as far as I know it, Brian put himself in the grave."
"Tell us how you really feel," Jimmy stared at him.
next day
"I talked to your mom yesterday. She's trying to make it down here to see you. She's been taking care of Branden when Dana and Brent are traveling. He's getting so big, Brian. I wish you could see him. He's already talking and pointing at things and saying what they are. Life is getting so tough without you by my side. I feel so lost, and I know I've said that millions and millions of times, but it's so true, baby. It's just so true. I just wish you could squeeze my hand, give me a sign to know that you're listening to me."
two days later
"I just flew in from Texas. I had been living in Argentina for the past couple of years, and then I heard about you. I don't know what to say to you. Usually, when a conversation is held, two people are talking, you know. Um, I don't know, Brian. I really don't know. What we had was special, but it was such a chore. I felt like killing myself for so long because of you, but I am the happiest I've ever been in my life. You gave me the happiness I had been looking for all my life. It's such a shame you were always too busy visit. You've actually taught me a lot about myself, and I'm so grateful for that. As many negative experiences we've had together, the positive ones have definitely outshined them. Every happy moment I had with you, I was laughing and smiling, living in the now. I remember all of our firsts like it was yesterday. I wish I could take back time, so we could make this - "
"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but we have to ask you to leave."
a month later
The table was extremely full of immediate family and extremely close friends. His parents and step-parents were there, his brother and his wife, but their child and his kid sister had stayed with his aunt. The four guys were there, along with their girlfriends and wives, and Brian's fianceé. His lawyer sat down at the head of the table and examined the room. There was an extra seat, but she had contacted him earlier and told him she'd be late.
A few minutes later, a naturally petite and slim girl walked in. Her skin was a smooth, golden brown, and her cheekbones were high and proportionate to her face shape. The woman had extremely light brown, cat-eyes and her walk in her high heels resembled one of a cat. She had naturally wavy, jet black hair to her mid back, but she had this air about her. It was an earthy air, an air that just radiated positive vibes.
"Sorry, I'm late," she excused herself and took a seat in the empty chair. Everyone exchanged weird glances, everyone except Zacky and two others. He offered a smile instead, in which she returned one to him.
"As you all fully know, Brian E. Haner Junior has been in a coma for the past five months due to a traumatic car accident. He had came to me two years ago, and we went through all the paper work needed just in case anything happened to him during a travel while on tour or even at home." The lawyer pulled out a manilla envelope and set it on the table. Without saying anything, he opened it and started to read.
' "I, Brian Elwin Haner Junior, wholeheartedly wants everyone I love and deeply care about to know the health care procedures I want if and only if I am fully incapable of making them on my own.
Any quality of life that is unacceptable to me means that I cannot, by any means, answer any question, my basic motor skills are severed as well as everything else, I am in vegetative state, in a coma, or dependent solely upon life support after 6 months.
When I am near death, I would like to die in hospice care with my family around me. However, after six months, if I am still dependent on anything listed above, I would want my health care proxy to make the best decision fit for the situation. My proxy knows who they are because they have been there for me from the start, they share everything with me, even blood. I hope this person will take everyone's interests, but most importantly, do what I would want to do if I could speak.' Brian has signed this, and has everything in his will listed accordingly."
"I'm going to have to think about this for a while. I hope you don't mind," Michelle sighed heavily, but the lawyer paid no attention to her.
"I think they mean family, Michelle," his father piped up. "After all, it said 'they share everything with me, even blood'." Again, the lawyer was paying no attention. He was busy shuffling the papers in his briefcase.
The whole table erupted into quiet conversation, so she couldn't be heard.
"I want him to stay on life support for the next two weeks. If there isn't improvement, we'll hold another meeting." The lawyer nodded, scribbled something on his paper and shut his briefcase.
"If there has not been any improvement in two weeks, we will hold another meeting."
"Wait, why - how, what's going on? Who is calling the shots?" Michelle furrowed her brow and blinked at the lawyer. "I didn't say anythi -"
"Because you're not the proxy." The lawyer pointed to the lady who arrived late. "She is."
Raising her eyebrow, Michelle looked her up and down. "Who are you?" she whispered.
"The person who has been there for him from the start, the person with whom he shared with -"
"- even blood?"
"Even blood."
"For all of you who do not know, which would be everyone except three people, my name is Marilyn Haner. Brian and I were going through a smooth, but very long, drawn-out divorce over the past two years before the accident and my arrival. We got married when I found out I was pregnant almost eleven years ago, and that's where we share blood. We have a son, Fletcher, and he's in Texas. We've been living in Argentina for the past five years. We recently moved back because I had just gotten the news about Brian, so we settled in Texas near my parents. That's basically it in a nutshell. I apologize to inform you all, especially since this is definitely the last thing anyone needs to hear at this moment. To those of you who do know about this, I just want to apologize for having you keep this as a weight on shoulders. Rest assured, I shall keep all of your best interests at heart as his health care proxy." Marilyn got up with the lawyer and made the longest walk in her life.
Michelle burst into tears. "Who else knew?"
Zacky and Brian's parents, Jan and Brian raised their hands.
a few days later
"Improvement," Marilyn sat down next to him and toyed with her keys. "If you ever slip into another coma, I'll be sure to make come out of it, so I can put you into one. Don't you ever scare any of us like that again. Zack lost it a month ago. He's been up here occasionally."
"How was Argentina? Did Fletcher like it?"
She was about to answer when a curious smile crossed her face. She didn't ask any questions. "Yeah," she nodded. "He loved it, so did I. We might go back after the divorce is final, but we'll visit in the summer. I can't pull him out of school that often, though, so we have to wait for those natural breaks. Other than that, he's fluent in English, Spanish and Korean. He's teaching me Korean, which is somewhat of a good thing, I guess."
Brian smiled to himself and gingerly touched his lips with his fingertips, wondering what it felt like after six months of being incapable of doing anything. "What was it like?"
"Hard. I thought the divorce was going to be over before you proposed to her," Marilyn talked so casually about their relationship. "I also thought we would be living in Texas, so it would make things easier. I had all these thoughts rushing through my head, but I was so worried about everyone else. I also had to break it to everyone about Fletcher and our long marriage that I can hardly call a marriage." Both of them subtly smiled. "But I'm here for you, no matter what, despite the past. You gave me something that I can't take back, even if I wanted to. He's still in Texas, so maybe when you get even better, he'll come and visit you. He's been wanting to see you for the longest time. He's always asking me where you are now, how you're doing. He even had this map and a sticker of your face, so when you arrive in one city, he'd put your face there." Brian laughed.
"Seriously? That's pretty cool, though. Way to keep in touch without keeping in touch. I like that. How's he holding up? Does he look like me still? The last picture I saw of him was a few months ago. Did he grow his hair out, what about any tattoos?" Brian coughed and poured himself a glass of water. His wrist collapsed, which made the water jug fall from out of his hands. "Oh, crap."
"Here, let me get that," Marilyn soaked the water up with the brown napkins, not caring if her clothes became wet. She felt a soft hand on top of her head. "Thanks," Brian whispered, caressing her cheek with the back of his hand. "For everything. I've been such an idiot these past years, Marilyn. You have no idea how much I wake up and regret treating you like complete crap. You deserved so much better than me. Why didn't you just leave me, Mari? Fletcher? What is it?"
Marilyn stopped cleaning and let his hand linger on her cheek for a little while before abruptly getting up to dump the napkins in the trash. "You know why I stayed with you, Brian. Don't act like you don't know! I stayed with you because I love you, even though you abused me. I thought I would never find another person that would love me, care for me... You abused me when I was pregnant with Fletcher. How..." her voice lowered to a slight whisper, "how could you? Sorry can't make up for those years of putting me in the hospital, treating me like dirt, kicking me in the face. Do you really think you can just say sorry and make me forget about that? Make Fletcher forget about the things he saw when we would come to visit you? Brian, I still love you, regardless of what you're doing now. Regardless of what you did to me. You gave me so much happiness, even though we weren't ready to be parents at the time. I just hope you feel the same way. It'd be a shame if you were his father but weren't proud of him."
Marilyn shook her head at him and stared past his head. "I can't really think of any reason why you would put me as your proxy -"
Brian scoffed and laughed at her. "Are you serious, Marilyn? I still consider you as my best friend. You're my wife, estranged, but you're my wife, and -"
"I'm the mother of your only child, the one that looks just like you. I don't consider myself your wife anymore. You laid your hands on me once, your fault. The second time, my fault. And all the other times you did it after, all my fault. No husband would ever abuse their wife, Brian. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do - stay with you for our son - no, I was supposed to leave you. In fact, I wanted to move far, far away from you, so I could live my life and raise Fletcher without you."
"Mar, don't say that. Please, just... baby, don't do this to me."
"No," her voice became stronger, "don't you do this to me. You've done this to me so many times, Brian. I'm never going to fall for you or another person like you again. I'd rather raise Fletcher on my own than be with you." Reaching into her purse, she pulled out a brown envelope. "Here, sign these and save me from myself," she laid the divorce papers on his bed. "For these past ten years, I've been doing nothing but walking around with my hands tied behind my back. I've struggled enough, but I have finally found some peace. I'll be back in a few days."
three days later
"I didn't tell you because she's in my past. I haven't lied about anything else. She doesn't want to be in my life, and no matter how hard I try, she doesn't want me in Fletcher's life. I want to start all over." Brian grabbed Michelle's hand, "with you." Michelle's only mistake was actually believing him.
He thought that if he vocalized how unimportant Marilyn and Fletcher were, he would start to believe it, but the fire did not die, the feeling of pride from being a father didn't vanish. Brian couldn't stop his love for them, no matter what he said or did.
a week later
"I don't want to see Dad."
She slammed on the brakes, causing the little boy whiplash.
"Sorry," she mumbled and gladly pulled into the parking lot of the hospital. "I...well, you're going to see him, Fletcher, whether you like it or not. Just... you just don't say that to your father. He misses you, and you haven't seen him in such a long time." Marilyn parked the car and shut off the engine, wanting to die.
"Maaaa, don't you get it?" Fletcher unbuckled his seat belt and leaned on the middle console. "That's the reason I don't want to see him. I've lived my life without him for so long, why would I want him in my life now?"
Marilyn stared at the steering wheel of her car and then slowly turned to look at Fletcher with a look of disappointment, anger, and even disgust. It was then when she realized that all of her hatred was from the past hanging onto the past and the hate minimized her chances of moving on with her life. She had accepted Brian's wrong-doings, accepted the fact they were young when Fletcher arrived, but she had also accepted his new future. Even though she was still unadmittedly in love with Brian, she had to do what she thought was best for her soul. Give him up.
"Why do you say such mean things?" she asked him in a whisper. "Even though he hasn't been there, Fletcher, he still made you who you are today. When you get older, you're going to regret ever saying that, but you're going to be thankful for having your father. He is a great man, and if you are half the man he is, you'll then see you wish you would have never said that. He would never say that about you." There was more she wanted to say to him, more she wanted to elaborate on, more she wanted to express to him, but there wasn't enough time in the moment. It seemed like life became increasingly useless as time passed on without Brian, but that thought didn't linger in her mind anymore.
There was a tap at the window.
"Uncle Vengeance!" Fletcher popped out of the car and hugged Zacky.
"Daaamn, boy, look at you. You're about as tall as me now, and in a few years, you'll be as wide as me, too. How are those fingers? You get the guitar I sent you? I hope it wasn't too big."
"Nope, it wasn't, but thanks! It's actually too small for me now. I grew four inches last summer," Fletcher jabbered away, every moment he sounded more and more like Brian.
She stepped out of the car and smiled to Zack. "Do you think you could take Fletch for a while? Maybe about an hour? There's a, um - "
"I'm actually kind of hungry, Ma," Fletcher looked to Zack. "You think we could go get a burger?"
"Bet you can't eat a Triple X Fat Burger from In-N-Out!"
"Bet you I can!"
Marilyn smiled at them and took a deep breath. "Just don't fall asleep, alright?"
"Knock, knock?" Marilyn poked her head in the door and noticed no one was in the room.
"Just a second," Brian called from the bathroom, but before Marilyn had time to register the thought, there was a loud thud. Throwing her things on the ground, she acted on instinct and ran to his rescue, which brought back memories of when she used to pick him up from bars, strip clubs, whatever and whenever, she was there.
"I'm alright," he said when the door opened.
"I didn't ask you if you were alright," she sat on the floor next to him, examining a gash on his leg. "That looks really bad," she mumbled, dabbing the gash with a cloth that hung on the rail.
Sucking in air through his teeth, Brian flinched at the touch of her hand on his skin. He glanced up at her when she wasn't looking and slightly smiled.
"You big baby," she mumbled, trying to stop the blood. Either one of them could have called for the nurse, but miss out on the opportunity to be close to one another again, even if it was her touching his leg. Marilyn gazed at the cut on his leg, trying to go unnoticed with this cherished time, but Brian clearly pointed it out for her.
Before her mind even had time to react to his lips on hers, she was already kissing him back. They both knew it would be their last time to kiss one another, so they might as well make it worth this risk. Nothing but blissful thoughts were going through Brian's head. He was so emotionally deep into the kiss, he didn't care about another thing, not even coming to the thought that he was now cheating on Michelle by kissing the mother of his child, his soon-to-be-ex-wife on the floor of a hospital bathroom.
But Marilyn was the first to realize this, and she ruined the moment by doing so.
"I'm fine," she gasped as she backed away from the kiss and away from Brian, her face hot. Now she wanted to get this over with. "W-where are the papers?" She stood up and opened the bathroom door, walking out as fast as she could.
"Should be on the nightstand where you left 'em," Brian walked out after her and pointed at the manila envelope that sat, what looked like, untouched.
"You didn't sign them?" Marilyn asked, almost laughing. "If you haven't noticed, you have a fianceé, an estranged wife, and now a son who doesn't want you in his life, either."
Brian's face went from comical to quickly crestfallen, like he had done something completely terrible that affected the lives of everyone in the world, almost as if he had singlehandedly started World War III.
"W-why do you say that?"
The last time Marilyn had seen his big, brown eyes full of tears was when he first held Fletcher and acknowledge that this little boy, who was in a peaceful slumber, was a part of him, and that part of him was never going to go out, no one could blow it out like a candle. No one. And, yet, here Brian was, feeling as if someone had terminated that piece of himself in Fletcher, his son, his firstborn. His heart ached, but he couldn't tell if that was from the food he had Matt bring him earlier, or if that was really his heart breaking.
Marilyn found tears in her lap. "Because it's true, Brian. He told me he didn't want to see you because," she put up quotation marks in the air with her fingers, 'I've lived my life without him for so long, why would I want him in my life now?' Verbatim. I am such a failure. My son, our son, uttering those words," she stood up, crying even harder. "What have I done wrong? All these eleven years, what have we done wrong with him? Were we not good enough to him, did we not show him love, did we not discipline him when needed? Why is it now that he doesn't want to see you? And I take a step back and I realized, it really is because of me. It's because of the hate I have for you. I don't get it," she stared out of the window, wiping her tears away, waiting, wanting a response from Brian.
"Here," Marilyn turned around and stared at the envelope Brian held out in front of her. This was the first time she actually looked at Brian. His hair was actually 'done' for a change, rather than that bedhead mess, and he actually had on street clothes, albeit, they were lounging clothes. "I did sign them. I gave you full custody, no visitation rights for me, either. I thought it was best for you, Fletcher, his future, and my own if I just faded into the background. You have so much hate for me, Marilyn. I understand what I did was wrong and you have every reason to hate me, but there isn't a day since I have woken up since your visit that your voice doesn't haunt and constantly remind me of what I have done." Brian was now standing with his back to the window.
"But let me just tell you this, Marilyn, I did not sign these papers out of constant hate for you or for Fletcher, but for myself but out of love that is so strong for both of you. I wish sacrificing something so great would take back the pain I have caused the both of you. I am willing to sacrifice my life for a painless life for the both of you, no more lies, no more hate, no more guilt or anything that comes with it. I signed the papers knowing both of you have a better future with me out of the picture." He turned, almost as if it was a block in a badly written soap opera, to stare out of the window. "I just never imagined my life would turn out this way," he laughed, sucking tears back in. "To know that three people have kept this a secret for over a decade, the pain I must have caused my parents. To know my child doesn't want anything to do with me at age eleven. I failed you, myself, but most importantly Fletcher. He doesn't deserve me," Brian's brown eyes expressed his understanding, but Marilyn noted that he was misunderstanding this, all of it.
"So, take the papers, Marilyn. Tell Fletcher everything when he gets older, when he can fully understand without hating me for doing such a right thing in this case." She had no choice but to take the papers he was forcing in her hands, and before long, he was almost pushing her out of the door. "I do love you and Fletcher, and I want you both in my life if I had a choice, regardless of what anyone says," were the last words out of his mouth before he shut the door.
If I had a choice, now this was going to haunt her for the rest of her life. Tell Fletcher, absolutely not. She wasn't going to damage him even further. Marilyn absentmindedly walked down the hall, passing the woman she saw in the meeting almost a month before, the woman who felt so embarrassed. It was almost as if someone had pressed the paused button on life and made Marilyn realize something for the first time in a long time.
No one was going to know Brian as well as she knew him, and no one was going to share a deeper bond with him than she had with him. No one, not even the girl that had his heart at the moment. Nothing will never last, she reminded herself. For this moment, she couldn't let anything stop her, she wouldn't even catch her breath. However, she did blink, and in that second, her faith quivered. Her world was crumbling, falling right before her eyes, but she didn't show any emotion until she got in the elevator. Not caring who was in the elevator, she broke down.
"Mom?"
These papers, they couldn't have been signed. Marilyn had lied to him, and he had known it. She saw it in his eyes when he was talking to her; he still wanted to be with her, and it was killing him to be away from her and Fletcher for this long. It felt as though the ropes that had tied her arms had been cut. Everything had to turn out right, everything had to... Ripping the envelope open, ignoring the little boy who was still bugging her, she looked at the divorce papers and laughed through her tears. In his chicken-scratch writing, there was not a signature but a Brian-esque sentence that solidified her future:
Sometimes, baby, life is altered.
Over the span of ten years, the band and their loved ones had been on such a roller coaster ride. There were times when they were certain a nice paycheck was coming in the mail for them, and there were other times when they weren't so sure if they could even make it to the next day or have food on the table. Where did they go wrong with their careers? Was it like a match? If a match is burning, eventually it's going to run out of the wood and extinguish itself or someone blows it out. What came first for Avenged Sevenfold? Maybe they blew themselves out. It was a plausible explanation.
"Do you remember that time when we both dyed our hair blonde? Wasn't that funny? I remember you wanted to dye your eyebrows, and I almost did it when you were sleeping. I wasn't going to do that to you. I knew it'd be a waste because then I'd have to clean it up or your face would probably explode," James laughed and crossed his legs. "I took out my kimono the other day, and I put it on, and I... just remembered the times we had in high school together. It was just so funny. I wish we were high schoolers forever. We wouldn't have to worry about basically anything, only people who were old enough to get us alcohol and cigarettes." James sucked on his lower lip and shook his head. He couldn't do this anymore; he couldn't live his life to the fullest because he might not know what tomorrow would bring. That was such a lie. Sometimes the things you do today won't give you a tomorrow. It wasn't worth it anymore. Blinking back his tears, he let his head hang.
"I don't know what to say to you. I'm losing myself, I'm losing my best friend, I'm losing everything we ever worked for in our band. Brian, why couldn't you have done something about this? Brian, just...why?" Johnny put his fists on his thighs and clenched his jaw. "I'm so angry at you. I've moved past the guilt, the sorrow, and now I'm angry. I know you're not like this, so I'm just confused as to why you would do something you were so strongly against. My words are lost, unheard among everyone else's voice. Hear me out just this once, though... We can't go on like this anymore." Johnny was clueless. This had never happened to him at an age where he remembered. Words like these coming from Johnny? Who would have thought.
"I don't know what to say to you. I don't want to say anything to you." Zacky couldn't understand why it took them this long to finally figure out their lives. Why it took so much pain and anger for them to understand how precious life actually was.
"Let's just go. We've been coming here for the past five months, and we haven't had any improvement. Are you guys serious or what? I'm sick of this." Zacky couldn't tell you what was about to happen. His eyes glazed over, not from tears, but from anger. Adrenaline pumped through his body, fight or flight, he thought. Oh, he was going to fight this and then flee. "I'm sick of this!" Zacky screamed until his vocal chords were sore and scratchy. "I'm sick of coming here, trying to find things to say to the man who ruined his life himself. I'm sick of seeing everyone cry themselves to fucking sleep because Brian was irresponsible and stupid. I'm not going to come back, and I'm sure as hell not going to his funeral because, as far as I know it, Brian put himself in the grave."
"Tell us how you really feel," Jimmy stared at him.
next day
"I talked to your mom yesterday. She's trying to make it down here to see you. She's been taking care of Branden when Dana and Brent are traveling. He's getting so big, Brian. I wish you could see him. He's already talking and pointing at things and saying what they are. Life is getting so tough without you by my side. I feel so lost, and I know I've said that millions and millions of times, but it's so true, baby. It's just so true. I just wish you could squeeze my hand, give me a sign to know that you're listening to me."
two days later
"I just flew in from Texas. I had been living in Argentina for the past couple of years, and then I heard about you. I don't know what to say to you. Usually, when a conversation is held, two people are talking, you know. Um, I don't know, Brian. I really don't know. What we had was special, but it was such a chore. I felt like killing myself for so long because of you, but I am the happiest I've ever been in my life. You gave me the happiness I had been looking for all my life. It's such a shame you were always too busy visit. You've actually taught me a lot about myself, and I'm so grateful for that. As many negative experiences we've had together, the positive ones have definitely outshined them. Every happy moment I had with you, I was laughing and smiling, living in the now. I remember all of our firsts like it was yesterday. I wish I could take back time, so we could make this - "
"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but we have to ask you to leave."
a month later
The table was extremely full of immediate family and extremely close friends. His parents and step-parents were there, his brother and his wife, but their child and his kid sister had stayed with his aunt. The four guys were there, along with their girlfriends and wives, and Brian's fianceé. His lawyer sat down at the head of the table and examined the room. There was an extra seat, but she had contacted him earlier and told him she'd be late.
A few minutes later, a naturally petite and slim girl walked in. Her skin was a smooth, golden brown, and her cheekbones were high and proportionate to her face shape. The woman had extremely light brown, cat-eyes and her walk in her high heels resembled one of a cat. She had naturally wavy, jet black hair to her mid back, but she had this air about her. It was an earthy air, an air that just radiated positive vibes.
"Sorry, I'm late," she excused herself and took a seat in the empty chair. Everyone exchanged weird glances, everyone except Zacky and two others. He offered a smile instead, in which she returned one to him.
"As you all fully know, Brian E. Haner Junior has been in a coma for the past five months due to a traumatic car accident. He had came to me two years ago, and we went through all the paper work needed just in case anything happened to him during a travel while on tour or even at home." The lawyer pulled out a manilla envelope and set it on the table. Without saying anything, he opened it and started to read.
' "I, Brian Elwin Haner Junior, wholeheartedly wants everyone I love and deeply care about to know the health care procedures I want if and only if I am fully incapable of making them on my own.
Any quality of life that is unacceptable to me means that I cannot, by any means, answer any question, my basic motor skills are severed as well as everything else, I am in vegetative state, in a coma, or dependent solely upon life support after 6 months.
When I am near death, I would like to die in hospice care with my family around me. However, after six months, if I am still dependent on anything listed above, I would want my health care proxy to make the best decision fit for the situation. My proxy knows who they are because they have been there for me from the start, they share everything with me, even blood. I hope this person will take everyone's interests, but most importantly, do what I would want to do if I could speak.' Brian has signed this, and has everything in his will listed accordingly."
"I'm going to have to think about this for a while. I hope you don't mind," Michelle sighed heavily, but the lawyer paid no attention to her.
"I think they mean family, Michelle," his father piped up. "After all, it said 'they share everything with me, even blood'." Again, the lawyer was paying no attention. He was busy shuffling the papers in his briefcase.
The whole table erupted into quiet conversation, so she couldn't be heard.
"I want him to stay on life support for the next two weeks. If there isn't improvement, we'll hold another meeting." The lawyer nodded, scribbled something on his paper and shut his briefcase.
"If there has not been any improvement in two weeks, we will hold another meeting."
"Wait, why - how, what's going on? Who is calling the shots?" Michelle furrowed her brow and blinked at the lawyer. "I didn't say anythi -"
"Because you're not the proxy." The lawyer pointed to the lady who arrived late. "She is."
Raising her eyebrow, Michelle looked her up and down. "Who are you?" she whispered.
"The person who has been there for him from the start, the person with whom he shared with -"
"- even blood?"
"Even blood."
"For all of you who do not know, which would be everyone except three people, my name is Marilyn Haner. Brian and I were going through a smooth, but very long, drawn-out divorce over the past two years before the accident and my arrival. We got married when I found out I was pregnant almost eleven years ago, and that's where we share blood. We have a son, Fletcher, and he's in Texas. We've been living in Argentina for the past five years. We recently moved back because I had just gotten the news about Brian, so we settled in Texas near my parents. That's basically it in a nutshell. I apologize to inform you all, especially since this is definitely the last thing anyone needs to hear at this moment. To those of you who do know about this, I just want to apologize for having you keep this as a weight on shoulders. Rest assured, I shall keep all of your best interests at heart as his health care proxy." Marilyn got up with the lawyer and made the longest walk in her life.
Michelle burst into tears. "Who else knew?"
Zacky and Brian's parents, Jan and Brian raised their hands.
a few days later
"Improvement," Marilyn sat down next to him and toyed with her keys. "If you ever slip into another coma, I'll be sure to make come out of it, so I can put you into one. Don't you ever scare any of us like that again. Zack lost it a month ago. He's been up here occasionally."
"How was Argentina? Did Fletcher like it?"
She was about to answer when a curious smile crossed her face. She didn't ask any questions. "Yeah," she nodded. "He loved it, so did I. We might go back after the divorce is final, but we'll visit in the summer. I can't pull him out of school that often, though, so we have to wait for those natural breaks. Other than that, he's fluent in English, Spanish and Korean. He's teaching me Korean, which is somewhat of a good thing, I guess."
Brian smiled to himself and gingerly touched his lips with his fingertips, wondering what it felt like after six months of being incapable of doing anything. "What was it like?"
"Hard. I thought the divorce was going to be over before you proposed to her," Marilyn talked so casually about their relationship. "I also thought we would be living in Texas, so it would make things easier. I had all these thoughts rushing through my head, but I was so worried about everyone else. I also had to break it to everyone about Fletcher and our long marriage that I can hardly call a marriage." Both of them subtly smiled. "But I'm here for you, no matter what, despite the past. You gave me something that I can't take back, even if I wanted to. He's still in Texas, so maybe when you get even better, he'll come and visit you. He's been wanting to see you for the longest time. He's always asking me where you are now, how you're doing. He even had this map and a sticker of your face, so when you arrive in one city, he'd put your face there." Brian laughed.
"Seriously? That's pretty cool, though. Way to keep in touch without keeping in touch. I like that. How's he holding up? Does he look like me still? The last picture I saw of him was a few months ago. Did he grow his hair out, what about any tattoos?" Brian coughed and poured himself a glass of water. His wrist collapsed, which made the water jug fall from out of his hands. "Oh, crap."
"Here, let me get that," Marilyn soaked the water up with the brown napkins, not caring if her clothes became wet. She felt a soft hand on top of her head. "Thanks," Brian whispered, caressing her cheek with the back of his hand. "For everything. I've been such an idiot these past years, Marilyn. You have no idea how much I wake up and regret treating you like complete crap. You deserved so much better than me. Why didn't you just leave me, Mari? Fletcher? What is it?"
Marilyn stopped cleaning and let his hand linger on her cheek for a little while before abruptly getting up to dump the napkins in the trash. "You know why I stayed with you, Brian. Don't act like you don't know! I stayed with you because I love you, even though you abused me. I thought I would never find another person that would love me, care for me... You abused me when I was pregnant with Fletcher. How..." her voice lowered to a slight whisper, "how could you? Sorry can't make up for those years of putting me in the hospital, treating me like dirt, kicking me in the face. Do you really think you can just say sorry and make me forget about that? Make Fletcher forget about the things he saw when we would come to visit you? Brian, I still love you, regardless of what you're doing now. Regardless of what you did to me. You gave me so much happiness, even though we weren't ready to be parents at the time. I just hope you feel the same way. It'd be a shame if you were his father but weren't proud of him."
Marilyn shook her head at him and stared past his head. "I can't really think of any reason why you would put me as your proxy -"
Brian scoffed and laughed at her. "Are you serious, Marilyn? I still consider you as my best friend. You're my wife, estranged, but you're my wife, and -"
"I'm the mother of your only child, the one that looks just like you. I don't consider myself your wife anymore. You laid your hands on me once, your fault. The second time, my fault. And all the other times you did it after, all my fault. No husband would ever abuse their wife, Brian. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do - stay with you for our son - no, I was supposed to leave you. In fact, I wanted to move far, far away from you, so I could live my life and raise Fletcher without you."
"Mar, don't say that. Please, just... baby, don't do this to me."
"No," her voice became stronger, "don't you do this to me. You've done this to me so many times, Brian. I'm never going to fall for you or another person like you again. I'd rather raise Fletcher on my own than be with you." Reaching into her purse, she pulled out a brown envelope. "Here, sign these and save me from myself," she laid the divorce papers on his bed. "For these past ten years, I've been doing nothing but walking around with my hands tied behind my back. I've struggled enough, but I have finally found some peace. I'll be back in a few days."
three days later
"I didn't tell you because she's in my past. I haven't lied about anything else. She doesn't want to be in my life, and no matter how hard I try, she doesn't want me in Fletcher's life. I want to start all over." Brian grabbed Michelle's hand, "with you." Michelle's only mistake was actually believing him.
He thought that if he vocalized how unimportant Marilyn and Fletcher were, he would start to believe it, but the fire did not die, the feeling of pride from being a father didn't vanish. Brian couldn't stop his love for them, no matter what he said or did.
a week later
"I don't want to see Dad."
She slammed on the brakes, causing the little boy whiplash.
"Sorry," she mumbled and gladly pulled into the parking lot of the hospital. "I...well, you're going to see him, Fletcher, whether you like it or not. Just... you just don't say that to your father. He misses you, and you haven't seen him in such a long time." Marilyn parked the car and shut off the engine, wanting to die.
"Maaaa, don't you get it?" Fletcher unbuckled his seat belt and leaned on the middle console. "That's the reason I don't want to see him. I've lived my life without him for so long, why would I want him in my life now?"
Marilyn stared at the steering wheel of her car and then slowly turned to look at Fletcher with a look of disappointment, anger, and even disgust. It was then when she realized that all of her hatred was from the past hanging onto the past and the hate minimized her chances of moving on with her life. She had accepted Brian's wrong-doings, accepted the fact they were young when Fletcher arrived, but she had also accepted his new future. Even though she was still unadmittedly in love with Brian, she had to do what she thought was best for her soul. Give him up.
"Why do you say such mean things?" she asked him in a whisper. "Even though he hasn't been there, Fletcher, he still made you who you are today. When you get older, you're going to regret ever saying that, but you're going to be thankful for having your father. He is a great man, and if you are half the man he is, you'll then see you wish you would have never said that. He would never say that about you." There was more she wanted to say to him, more she wanted to elaborate on, more she wanted to express to him, but there wasn't enough time in the moment. It seemed like life became increasingly useless as time passed on without Brian, but that thought didn't linger in her mind anymore.
There was a tap at the window.
"Uncle Vengeance!" Fletcher popped out of the car and hugged Zacky.
"Daaamn, boy, look at you. You're about as tall as me now, and in a few years, you'll be as wide as me, too. How are those fingers? You get the guitar I sent you? I hope it wasn't too big."
"Nope, it wasn't, but thanks! It's actually too small for me now. I grew four inches last summer," Fletcher jabbered away, every moment he sounded more and more like Brian.
She stepped out of the car and smiled to Zack. "Do you think you could take Fletch for a while? Maybe about an hour? There's a, um - "
"I'm actually kind of hungry, Ma," Fletcher looked to Zack. "You think we could go get a burger?"
"Bet you can't eat a Triple X Fat Burger from In-N-Out!"
"Bet you I can!"
Marilyn smiled at them and took a deep breath. "Just don't fall asleep, alright?"
"Knock, knock?" Marilyn poked her head in the door and noticed no one was in the room.
"Just a second," Brian called from the bathroom, but before Marilyn had time to register the thought, there was a loud thud. Throwing her things on the ground, she acted on instinct and ran to his rescue, which brought back memories of when she used to pick him up from bars, strip clubs, whatever and whenever, she was there.
"I'm alright," he said when the door opened.
"I didn't ask you if you were alright," she sat on the floor next to him, examining a gash on his leg. "That looks really bad," she mumbled, dabbing the gash with a cloth that hung on the rail.
Sucking in air through his teeth, Brian flinched at the touch of her hand on his skin. He glanced up at her when she wasn't looking and slightly smiled.
"You big baby," she mumbled, trying to stop the blood. Either one of them could have called for the nurse, but miss out on the opportunity to be close to one another again, even if it was her touching his leg. Marilyn gazed at the cut on his leg, trying to go unnoticed with this cherished time, but Brian clearly pointed it out for her.
Before her mind even had time to react to his lips on hers, she was already kissing him back. They both knew it would be their last time to kiss one another, so they might as well make it worth this risk. Nothing but blissful thoughts were going through Brian's head. He was so emotionally deep into the kiss, he didn't care about another thing, not even coming to the thought that he was now cheating on Michelle by kissing the mother of his child, his soon-to-be-ex-wife on the floor of a hospital bathroom.
But Marilyn was the first to realize this, and she ruined the moment by doing so.
"I'm fine," she gasped as she backed away from the kiss and away from Brian, her face hot. Now she wanted to get this over with. "W-where are the papers?" She stood up and opened the bathroom door, walking out as fast as she could.
"Should be on the nightstand where you left 'em," Brian walked out after her and pointed at the manila envelope that sat, what looked like, untouched.
"You didn't sign them?" Marilyn asked, almost laughing. "If you haven't noticed, you have a fianceé, an estranged wife, and now a son who doesn't want you in his life, either."
Brian's face went from comical to quickly crestfallen, like he had done something completely terrible that affected the lives of everyone in the world, almost as if he had singlehandedly started World War III.
"W-why do you say that?"
The last time Marilyn had seen his big, brown eyes full of tears was when he first held Fletcher and acknowledge that this little boy, who was in a peaceful slumber, was a part of him, and that part of him was never going to go out, no one could blow it out like a candle. No one. And, yet, here Brian was, feeling as if someone had terminated that piece of himself in Fletcher, his son, his firstborn. His heart ached, but he couldn't tell if that was from the food he had Matt bring him earlier, or if that was really his heart breaking.
Marilyn found tears in her lap. "Because it's true, Brian. He told me he didn't want to see you because," she put up quotation marks in the air with her fingers, 'I've lived my life without him for so long, why would I want him in my life now?' Verbatim. I am such a failure. My son, our son, uttering those words," she stood up, crying even harder. "What have I done wrong? All these eleven years, what have we done wrong with him? Were we not good enough to him, did we not show him love, did we not discipline him when needed? Why is it now that he doesn't want to see you? And I take a step back and I realized, it really is because of me. It's because of the hate I have for you. I don't get it," she stared out of the window, wiping her tears away, waiting, wanting a response from Brian.
"Here," Marilyn turned around and stared at the envelope Brian held out in front of her. This was the first time she actually looked at Brian. His hair was actually 'done' for a change, rather than that bedhead mess, and he actually had on street clothes, albeit, they were lounging clothes. "I did sign them. I gave you full custody, no visitation rights for me, either. I thought it was best for you, Fletcher, his future, and my own if I just faded into the background. You have so much hate for me, Marilyn. I understand what I did was wrong and you have every reason to hate me, but there isn't a day since I have woken up since your visit that your voice doesn't haunt and constantly remind me of what I have done." Brian was now standing with his back to the window.
"But let me just tell you this, Marilyn, I did not sign these papers out of constant hate for you or for Fletcher, but for myself but out of love that is so strong for both of you. I wish sacrificing something so great would take back the pain I have caused the both of you. I am willing to sacrifice my life for a painless life for the both of you, no more lies, no more hate, no more guilt or anything that comes with it. I signed the papers knowing both of you have a better future with me out of the picture." He turned, almost as if it was a block in a badly written soap opera, to stare out of the window. "I just never imagined my life would turn out this way," he laughed, sucking tears back in. "To know that three people have kept this a secret for over a decade, the pain I must have caused my parents. To know my child doesn't want anything to do with me at age eleven. I failed you, myself, but most importantly Fletcher. He doesn't deserve me," Brian's brown eyes expressed his understanding, but Marilyn noted that he was misunderstanding this, all of it.
"So, take the papers, Marilyn. Tell Fletcher everything when he gets older, when he can fully understand without hating me for doing such a right thing in this case." She had no choice but to take the papers he was forcing in her hands, and before long, he was almost pushing her out of the door. "I do love you and Fletcher, and I want you both in my life if I had a choice, regardless of what anyone says," were the last words out of his mouth before he shut the door.
If I had a choice, now this was going to haunt her for the rest of her life. Tell Fletcher, absolutely not. She wasn't going to damage him even further. Marilyn absentmindedly walked down the hall, passing the woman she saw in the meeting almost a month before, the woman who felt so embarrassed. It was almost as if someone had pressed the paused button on life and made Marilyn realize something for the first time in a long time.
No one was going to know Brian as well as she knew him, and no one was going to share a deeper bond with him than she had with him. No one, not even the girl that had his heart at the moment. Nothing will never last, she reminded herself. For this moment, she couldn't let anything stop her, she wouldn't even catch her breath. However, she did blink, and in that second, her faith quivered. Her world was crumbling, falling right before her eyes, but she didn't show any emotion until she got in the elevator. Not caring who was in the elevator, she broke down.
"Mom?"
These papers, they couldn't have been signed. Marilyn had lied to him, and he had known it. She saw it in his eyes when he was talking to her; he still wanted to be with her, and it was killing him to be away from her and Fletcher for this long. It felt as though the ropes that had tied her arms had been cut. Everything had to turn out right, everything had to... Ripping the envelope open, ignoring the little boy who was still bugging her, she looked at the divorce papers and laughed through her tears. In his chicken-scratch writing, there was not a signature but a Brian-esque sentence that solidified her future:
Sometimes, baby, life is altered.