I joined a few days ago...

[bexmyxneighbor]

And as I was skimming through some of your stories, I realized mine isn't as bad as most of them. It was still pretty bad and I had already posted my story onto my journal (which is friend's only but the entry is public). I just want to re-post it here for anyone who cares to read it. =] It's really, really long so I won't blame anyone for quitting halfway, haha. Be warned, I use the F word ALOT!

From 1st grade to both of my years in 7th, I was teased, ridiculed, harassed because of my skin color. Out of a whole section of Holyoke, MA. my family was one of the very few white families that lived there. I was one of very few white kids that went to Peck Middle School. In Elementary, there were more white kids but I was still attacked for being white. My first Elementary school was McHugh and there I got punched in the face by a goofy looking, buck toothed boy. He hit me so hard in the mouth that my front tooth chipped.

I ended up switching school in 3rd grade and went to McMahon Elementary. I befriened a girl named Danielle and we became really close. Unfortunately, she would constantly get me into trouble. Once for writing a swear word on a piece of paper. The teacher found it and immediately blamed me, Danielle knew this was happening and didn't even stand up and claim it as hers. Then, she began tossing leaves at another student and told me he was having fun. As soon as I started doing it with her, she stopped and walked away while a teacher grabbed my arm and yanked me, violently, inside the school.

Later, she would begin bullying a boy who sucked his thumb and fiddled with his ear. She runs off, leaving me, and I looked away to her, ready to join her but the boy grabbed my arm and tried to drag me to the teacher to narc on me- even though I never said a word to him. I never really noticed her pattern of getting me in trouble until I reached my teens and remembered. I even let these other girls talk me into dumping her because she was 'too weird'. I ended up making up with her. I was conflicted because she was the only girl who hung out with me and talked to me and she was the only girl who came to my very first sleepover party. (Bringing me a home-made birthday present and some CDs and a boombox- all of which, I didn't have.) It was hard to stop being friends with your only friend. Anyway, we ended up parting ways in 4th grade, because she moved or something. I don't remember.

In 5th grade, a group of girls would constantly harass me. They once followed me into the girl's room and stood outside my stall. Luckily, I was skipping class and wasn't actually using the toilet. They ended up kicking my stall door open and just stood there, staring and laughing at me. Three of them, taking up every inch of my way out. I was petrified, to say the least. I didn't know if they were going to jump me or kill me or whatever. They left and I don't remember what happened after that.

During that year I was picked on for my clothes, constantly being asked if I got them at K-Mart and getting snickered at. Had my hair pulled during class, had things thrown at me, nasty things were whispered to me...and of course, the teachers never saw, heard or suspected anything. Go fucking figure. Even after my mother came to the school and confronted the principal, time and time again, nothing changed. It was as if the student bullies were offsprings of gang members and the administrators were too scared to say anything to them about their bully kids. Oh, sorry...was that racist? Pfft. Maybe all the 'gringa' and 'leche' and 'white girl' comments clouded my perceptive of what's racist and what's just truth. I mean, do they not travel and attack in packs? Can they fight one on one? Do they not have like 5 siblings from different dads? Are their 'cousins' not gangmembers? That's what they all made it look like. I'm not labeling them, that's how they presented themselves by threatening me with: "I'ma git mah cousin after yo' ass, she's a Latin Queen!"

Let's not forget the famous Hispanic Defense Mechanism: Talking shit in Spanish when they know the white girl doesn't understand it. I can't count how many times a group of girls and guys would openly talk about me and make fun of me while talking in Spanish, thinking I didn't know it was going on. Of course, I knew! How the fuck do you think I learned the words GRINGA and Puta and pendaja? (Or whatever). They thought I was stupid.

Middle school was awful. It started out alright because 6th grade had more white kids but when I got to my first year of 7th grade, everything went to shit. The bullying got worse and actually took place in class, out loud, in front of the teachers. I was ganged up on by these specific girls who just couldn't leave me alone, for any reason. One girl name Imari (or something like that), yes she was hispanic, always made me look like a bad person.

She told my best friend, Kelly, at the time, that her bad grade in English & Literature was because she was my friend. Brandon Rodriguez, my other best friend, always tried to defend me but it only made it worse for ME! We got made fun of for being close and the kids would call us boyfriend and girlfriend, always asking why we wouldn't just go out. But if we were to end up like that, they would've complained that we didn't belong together. To this day we're still friends on FB. We used to be a little gang, me, Brandon and Kelly. We even created an awesome skit with all the characters from our favorite anime shows in it. It was dirty and vulgar and raunchy but it was hilarious and it was OURS. Kelly and I lost touch after she went on to 8th grade. We found each other on online once but by the time I got her message, she wasn't using that screen name anymore. I still can't find her to this day- not on FB, MySpace, Twitter. It's like she fucking vanished into thin air...Or she's still too poor to afford a computer or cellphone with web. Who knows. I think about her alot, actually. Every time I go outside or go to the mall I imagine hearing her scream my nickname from Middle School: NIIKO!!! She used to squeal it and glomp me everytime she saw me. Haha. Her nickname was Akira (because of DBZ, she was obsessed and I told her it was a man's name and she didn't care. Lol.)

I'd still have the skit we made today if my sister hadn't ratted me out and gave it to my mom- who threw it away. It was over 20 pages of pure sexual comedy. I'll NEVER forget how much fun and work we all put into it. It was cleverly titled HOTEL MADNESS and included the entire DBZ cast, along with OCs we three created for ourselves. I drew them all for them. I think there were some Sailor Moon characters and Outlaw Star. I miss it. =[ I also wrote a Scream Ripoff story for Reading class with our three characters that magically disappeared. We had so much fun together. I miss my old gang.

Anyway...that wasn't the only time Imari and her friend fucked with me. Her friend was blonde but hispanic and really, really butch fat. And one day, another frenemy of mine, Jorge, asked me to draw him a picture of a fat woman with a Twinkie in her hand. I did it, thinking we were cool and he showed it to Imari and her fat friend, claiming I had drawn her! Imari confronted me, asking what my problem against her fat friend was and even though I tried to explain Jorge had asked for the drawing and that it was not her friend, she didn't listen and called me a bitch. Again, Brandon stood up for me and again, made it worse on my part.

And then there was Veronica. She's my all time favorite of Middle School Misery. It wasn't good enough to give me her shitty attitude, she also had to throw her little remarks about the way I dressed and even spoke. To this day, I believe she was jealous of mine and Brandon's relationship. She always questioned him, in front of me, why he liked being my friend so much. (I want to add that tons of those people questioned my friends as to why they were hanging out with me, but I'll get to one specific event later)

Gym was the worst for me though because there was always that group of puerto ricans who were puzzled by my friend's likeness of me. They stood in front of us, bouncing one of those big, red balls and they'd wait until I looked away to whip it at my head. They got me once and I can't even tell you how much I wanted to cry but couldn't for fear of being ridiculed because of it. The impact of the ball sent the back of my head slamming into the painted concrete wall. The gym teacher, Mr. Jenner, was sitting not even two feet away and miraculously, didn't see or hear a thing.

During dodgeball one time, a red headed kid- he was white- whipped one of those smaller but harder red balls right at my face. On purpose.

And he was on MY team. That one I couldn't walk away from. I ended up crouching down, biting back my tears as the pain burned my whole face. Brandon asked if I was alright and without letting them see my face, I gave him a thumbs up. Again, no teacher saw shit.

Whenever I'd get into the dressing room, I had my curtains ripped open on me while I was half naked. My body got made fun of because my tits and ass were bulging out of my shorts or t-shirts. Because my skin was white and not darkened or even tanned. They made fun of everything, my hair, my legs, my boobs, my arms, my eyebrows and my nose. There wasn't a single thing I could improve to make them stop. Even if I could. Which I desperately wanted to and still do.

Move forward to Veronica's infamous cousin. I had brought my brand new Gameboy Color to school with my Pokemon Silver game, just released. I had gotten both for Christmas and nothing else because we didn't have much money. (I just learned that my aunt had gotten the gift for me after all these years of thinking my mom just barely did.) I had it on my desk in English and he swiped it right in front of me. When I called to him to let him know I saw it, he gave it back. Later in Reading class, I had it on my desk and put my head down for one Goddamn second. I come back up and it's fucking gone. Vanished.

When I simply asked what's-his-name if he took it again, Veronica began jumping down my throat calling me a racist because I was accusing her cousin of stealing from me. The teacher put a lockdown on the room and even turned the lights out and had the class put our heads down so we couldn't see, giving the thief a chance to give it back without getting in trouble. But of course, no one did and she couldn't search anyone either, I still don't know why.

So I end up in tears, had my mom come get me and left brokenhearted, Gameboy-less and terrified. Before that horrific day, I died my hair blonde and that same motherfucker started teasing me and called me Goldilocks. I told my mom about it and for some dumb reason she thought making me go to mediation with the prick would solve everything. That was the stupidest idea in the world. It only made things worse. (I can't really remember if this was before or after the Gameboy incident but either way, I hated that fucking poser with a passion. I still do. Veronica too. I hope they're both piss-poor with ten kids from different partners and have AIDs and herpes/gonorrhea of the throat. I fucking loathe those parasites. I just know my Gameboy was sold for dope money. I am still bitter about my experience because while I'm suffering from PTSD and have emotional problems that afect my every day life, their out living life carelessly and happily.

Skip ahead to my second year of 7th grade, where my best friends moved on to the next grade and barely spoke to me. I made new friends, Alexandra, Naomi and Sara. (Sarah is white.) Now we were close. It brings up the whole 'people asking why they were friends with me.' One girl just flat out demanded to know why Naomi chose to hang out with a white girl and not her 'own people?' (her words, I swear..I was there when she said it. Yeah, right in front me...classy.) Yet, I was always the racist.

Naomi ignored the mean girls and even got some of the backlash of violence. They pulled her hair and talked shit to her but Naomi always stood up for me and I still appreciate it and remember it. Alexa and Sara weren't associated with Naomi but they were still the best of friends I ever had- apart from High School. Along the way of the last year at Peck, I endured more stalking bullies. Some boys would follow me home during winter months and throw ice/snow balls and rocks at me as I walked. They'd shout from their buses that I was one ugly bitch and they made fun of my clothes and hair.

One day, I was using the bathroom when these two girls poked their heads over the stall and began pointing and laughing at me. Later, they told a teacher I was writing on the walls and even though I denied it, the principal believed them and forced me to wash off someone else's vandalism.

Leaving Holyoke, I thought I would finally leave all that crap behind me and start fresh. How wrong I was. Even though I transferred to a school with more white people, the bullying didn't end in Holyoke. I got picked on for hanging out with the school's most hated girl. I mean, LITERALLY, hated by everyone. Tara. Every single person who made eye contact with Tara did something mean and awful to her. They talked about her, spread rumors about her, threw things at her, pulled her long-ass hair, flicked and pinched her, tripped her, threatened her and made fun of her body. (She was kind of a thick-boned and wanted desperately to be skinny.)

She was hated and for no reason whatsoever. I thought I had it bad in Holyoke, she was taking much worse than I ever dared think about. I felt so bad and wanted to help her out. (I was her friend before I found all this out but nothing could stop me from talking to her and being there with her through it.) When she wasn't with me, I got smart-ass comments from girls in groups. Threatening to slap me because I gave an eye roll at one dumb girl who thought I was serious when I joked about $1.99 being expensive. Oh, so sorry I'm not a rich snob like you fucking sluts. I remembering telling her to go a-fucking-head and TRY to slap me and see what motherfucking happens.

I had taken abuse from people of a different race for fear of getting jumped or shot or cut but I'll be DAMNED if a little white bitch gets away with it. Fuck that! I became fearless in 8th grade but not so fearless that I lashed back like them. If I was threatened, I said something back and that was all. Then there came Heather. She felt it was necessary to approach me and ask if my brother had blonde tips. I say yes and she proceeds to tell me he's a fag. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you a homophobe? Do you hate gay people? Or do you have some kind of superpower that lets you know someone's gay just by their hair style? Fuck you. She asked me if she could call me "Gilligan' (my last name) and when I told her no, she said, "Okay, Gilligan." Yeeeah, I guess I should have seen that one coming. I thought I was in a grown up school. I was wrong.

I threatened that bitch with a screwdriver [in high school] after she told me I should stop smoking. I fired back with a “You should stop breathing.” My sister threatened to shove her ice cream cone in her face one time at Roger's Ice Cream. That was hilarious. I don't know why that bitch was so popular, she was mean and annoying. She once confessed that she had taken a S.O.S sponge to her face in an attempt to get ride of her freckles. Another time, she claimed she had sat in glass and had to get stitches on her anus but I think she just taken it in the ass a little too hard.

Back to Middle school...wait, no I'm done.

Entering High School, I was entirely terrified. Everyone was older and bigger and I thought I was going to die, literally. But instead, things actually got better. People stopped bullying me, for the most part- at that time. (Over the summer I had encountered some girls at the library but it was whatever. They stalked me online, looking at my computer to see what chatroom I was in so they could pretend to be someone else and talk to me. When they found out I was bisexual, the harassment began.)

I didn't think they'd be at my high school but Lo and behold, there they were. Not in any of my classes, since one of them was a Junior at the time, I was a freshman. Her name was Carissa and she was a strange one. Whenever she was around me, with her friend Kari, she'd be vicious and annoying but when she found out my AIM handle she'd text me like we were good friends. Kari on the other hand would message me with jokes and pranks. Saying she wanted a girlfriend, then "No, I don't! Lol.". When I called her out on making fun of people with different sexual orientation and asked if she was just ashamed of her own so she felt she had to attack mine...she went into mimic mode and just copied whatever I texted her. Real mature.

They started non-cyber shit with me once, when I was with my sister, but nothing got fight-y. There was another girl named Suleka, who began starting shit after my sister and our downstairs neighbor got into a fight. (They became friends again while I got physically harassed by Suleka and almost got jumped by her whole fucking family outside the library. I had to sit next to that bitch at the computers while she whispered threatening shit and scratched my arm when I smirked at her. I told the librarian that I felt unsafe with the girl and that she threatened my life and the librarian told her to leave. Meanwhile, I called my mom and she walked me home. (The Librarian did. She was so nice.)

Whenever I'd come home, she'd be sitting on the bottom stairs waiting for me. It was fucking nasty, she would spread her nasty, fat legs open and block me from going up. I remember telling her "No tuna for me, thanks." before 'clumisly' hopping over her and bolting up the stairs. xD

I began cutting myself when I was 15, when my depression began to rear its head and make itself known. A lot of the cutting occured during times of stress and mental anguish. I haven't cut since before I got pregnant and I have to admit, it's getting harder and harder to resist it. I've got over 4 years of literally pent up and held back stress and pain that's begging to be bled out. Anyway...

Later, when Suleka got herself knocked up she approached me and attempted to squash everything. She was 15, I was 16. (She was in my Math class during Sophomore year). Later, Carissa, Kari and Shannon would follow me home, kicking and throwing rocks at me. I told my mom and the next day, my mom posed as a stranger asking for a lighter. When Shannon said no, my mom flipped a switch and told her to back off of her daughter and encouraged me to kick Shannon's ass. I refused, of course, even though I really wanted to, because it wasn't her blood I wanted on my hands.

It was Kari and Carissa's.

Later a mediation was held with me, Carissa and Shannon. Not Kari. The whole time the two 'good friends' talked shit about Kari, calling her Krusty Kari because she never changes her underwear. Nice friends, seriously. They didn't mess with me anymore after that and whenever I'd see Kari by herself she'd have shit to say and I crossed the street just to see if she'd say something and she didn't. Even when I stared the bitch down, she coward and walked the other way. That's what I thought.

During their abuse, I befriended a girl name CJ, another one of Branden's exes, (Boy, was I in for a surprise when it came to Branden's many exes. It was like a he had literally 'fucked every girl in the world'. Anyway, CJ's cousin, Crystal, came out of nowhere and asked me to hold on to her stuff and put it in my locker. I was supposed to meet her with it after school but I didn't see her so I carried the shit shampoo home...or I was going to until my very first actual boyfriend, Anthony 'Fox-at-the-time' Rancetelli and his friend came along and we ended up pouring the shit all over the street. The next day, I told Crystal I would pay for the shampoo and she went along with it, making me pay 40 fucking dollars for it. I was afraid of her at the time because she hung out with these hispanic girls and she actually threatened to jump me.

I give her the money and she brings a friend over to me and claims there was a bracelet in the bag- and there wasn't. I ended up going to Officer Fisher (Who was and always will be a fucking asshole, mutherfucking cockhead!!!!!!) and she backed off me. Supposedly she was on probation and couldn't afford another strike. Haha. CJ stopped being my friend after that. I was like whatever, stop copying my eyeliner with your cheap Halloween makeup, it looks retarded. I fucking slapped that bitch in the face by accident and she nearly pissed herself. I hope that shit hurt, actually. She was fucking mean. She knew her cousin was extorting money from me and she thought it was okay. Fuck that shit.

Then my very first boyfriend, Anthony, felt is was necessary to break up with me via phone call- calling me stupid and he loved his ex Kitty, whom he had only met ONLINE and was engaged to her. Yeeeah, like that was her real name. xD He used me whenever a girl he liked didn't pay attention to him and he'd flirt openy with girls whenever I was dating or talking to someone he didn't 'approve' of. He wanted to lose his virginity to me and I wanted to lose mine...but not to him. I didn't care how desperate I was to have my cherry popped, I vowed I would never sleep with him. So after a week, he broke up with me then got back together with me a few months later, just to break up another 48 hours later. (One day doesn't count because he was out sick.)

I had heard rumors that he broke up with me so his friend could get with me...but that didn't work out either. I mean, I liked him as a friend but nothing romantical. I have some fond memories of going to Dunkin Donuts and that fucking Dance song that stopped playing for a moment then started again with : ...DAAAAAANCE! Then this old couple called us love birds and it was just awesome. I liked hanging out with my friends. All of them, who were considered my friends, anyway. I remember Jut, Darin, Adrianna, Christine- who actual removed me from her friend's list very recently for some reason... Gregoire, even from Choir class, Freshman year. All in all my first two years of High School were the best in my life period. Hands down. despite the bullies and my past with bullies...I'll always miss the old days of being a 'fairly popular' freshman also known as "Jen the Hot Freshman".

I didn't encounter anymore bullies after those girls through the remainder of my time at Chicopee High. There were a few incidents regarding a Samantha Wolfe and my ex where she, Heather from earlier, and a fat, ugly, 'can't talk without an impediment' Ashley plotted to steal my then-boyfriend, Branden, away from me. Even though Wolfe was a Senior and my boyfriend was a Sophomore.

Apparently, he said something about her three tongue piercings probably feeling real good during a blow job and she took it as a come on, of course. That's what sluts do and how they think. I had overheard her talking to a friend that she had stolen a guy from a girl before and her friend, Ashley, had an affair with a classmates boyfriend, also. So of course the gross bitch was willing to give my boyfriend a note right in front of me.

“This is fwom Sam.” she chirped, her R sounding like a fucking W.

I took that shit from him and ripped it to shreds, smiling at her and tossing the pieces in her face.

“Why do you have to be a bitch?” she stormed off. And I was inclined to remind her that he was “MY MAN!” xD xD omg, just using the word 'man' to describe Branden was awful of me. Just awful. I turned the corner and found Sam standing down the hall. I went forward, ready to fight this bitch, and he held me back!!

HE. HELD. ME. BAAAAAACK!

Later, it was RUMORED that Sam wanted to meet me at Szot to fight and a 'friend' of mine had actually told me if shit went down, she'd have to jump in to defend to Sam. I was horrified at this person but then again, I was told by my then boyfriend that she had felt him up knowing I was dating him. I can count five girls that wanted him while I was dating him and wasn't afraid to show it. (Yes, I know all of them today...though it's all water under the bridge now because let's face it- I'm sure we all are ashamed of it. Lol. At least, I am.)

I was friends with Daria and Jess (another girl who clearly wanted him) and they seemed down to stand on my side but I made it clear that if Sam didn't approach me herself, there wouldn't be any fight at Szot. Period. And there wasn't because she never came to me. I remember my kinda-ex Adam came up to me and had the BALLS to ask me why I was starting shit with Sam. I fucking flipped on him and walked away. A few days later, he comes up to me, kicks my shoe as I sat on the ground in the school underpass, and gave me 'permission' to kick her ass because she told a girl he was 'trying to get with' that he pushed her down some stairs.

Again, I flipped. I don't need no one's permission to fight anyone and I will certainly not be fighting someone because of something she did that you didn't like. If I'ma fight a bitch, I'ma fight her because of my OWN damn reasons. Thanks. The nerve of some people, I swear to fuck!

During a pep rally one day, a girl stuck a piece of gum on my shirt- it was Pride week and Pajama Day and I wore a tight ass tank top with a sports bra, spongebob pajama pants and my sister's furry, monster feet slippers. Branden put his arm around me and went to stretch when the gum stuck to his sweatband and stretched up with his arm. He sat up and started screaming at this girl, who of course denied it, and I went to leave school. Later he tells me that the chick is his ex and she supposedly has cancer. Seriously...I told him 'GOOD! I hope she fucking dies!" and you know what...I still do. IDGAF if you've got cancer, AIDs, Crabs or whatfuckingnot, that shit was fucking grimey and what was even grimier was that fucker neglecting to tell me we were sitting in front of his ex. I screamed at him that he should've said something so we could've sat somewhere else, then I left school.

After I broke up with that guy and about a year later, I began receiving text messages telling me I should kill myself. I thought it was Sam, that she had somehow gotten my number from a mutual friend or something. Later, waaay later, I find out it's my ex. Branden. I can't tell you how devastated I was after finding it out. I was absolutely hurt because I still loved him. So naturally, I fought back and made shit worse. the text/web battle between me, him and his new gf/baby mama would go on for a long time. We'd tell each other that we never loved each other, we cheated on each other, all of it was bull on my part but I knew Branden had cheated on me with at least 2 girls. We ended up making up and becoming friends, more so me with his new girlfriend, Katie.- who is separated from him now- xD just to end up fighting again then making up again. We're like best friends today.

As for bullying in school, after I left Chicopee High, I was forced to move to Springfield (Indian Orchard to be exact) and had to transfer to SciTech where it wasn't just the students who bullied, it was the fucking whole staff! The VP, Mr. Brooks, harassed my brother and the other VP, whatever her name is, called a cop on me because I skipped a class and ran away from her with my friend Pauline. (I think that's her name. Eh.) She found me the next day and I refused to go with her so she called the cop who then screamed and spit in my face, threatening me and letting me know he gets paid to arrest punks like me everyday.

I told him to stop screaming in my face, he was spitting on me! And he slammed me against the corner of the Temp ID lady's desk, crushing me on top of impaling me. He was this 300pd fucker putting all his weight on a 90-something pd. teenager. Later, while still in cuffs, the VP who called the cop on me began belittling me, telling me I shouldn't be in High School because I was 18 at the time. I was too old to be a Sophomore (even though I was supposed to be a Junior, they fucked me up that whole school!)

My mom came in and threatened to get that pig's badge for assaulting me and we filed charges but because 'no one saw a thing' it got dismissed. So I guess the Temp ID lady, Mr. Brooks, the lady VP and everyone else in that room at the time of my attack were blind, deaf and (of course, it's a no brainer) DUMB! The camera's were probably off at that time too. It was so messed up because while I waited for my mother, some snotty teacher bitched about a student not removing his hat during school. Brooks then said, “Just throw him out of school, he's 17, he can take care of himself.” I was like, seriously?

Kids don't drop out of that school, they're forced out by the TEACHERS AND VP'S!

Me and my brother tried night school there but that didn't work either. Mostly because of the asshole mexican sitting behind me in Social Studies class calling me a fucking cracker. I smile and chuckle a bit, telling him 'good one.' and tried to proceed with my work...but he kept fucking saying it! Over and over and over again! I told my mom about it and she called the school. The next day, the teacher had all the kids leave the class for a moment so he could talk to me about the guy being a racist.

He asked me what I thought a cracker was and I was like, “I dunno, a freaking wafer of some type???”

He was like, “Back in the slave days, the white people who owned slaves were called crackers because they would crack their whips at the slaves.”

I was like, “Okayyy, so what's the story behind the phrase, Beaner?”

He looked at me like I had four eyes and I just sat down. He made it seem like this fucking doucheball was SMART for using the term, as if that idiot knew what a cracker really was. Like it was okay for him to call me that even though I didn't carry any fucking whips with me to school. He wasn't even black, dude!! I was so insulted. If I were to call that mutherfucker a nigger, a spic, a wetback, a beaner, an immigrant I would've been a racist (which is understandable) BUT because this guy used a term the slaves used back in the day, it wasn't racist at all. Like, because the slaves were victims, it gives people the right to use the term without consequences. I wish more people were afraid to say cracker instead of the dreaded n-word. Pfft. Nigger. It means ignorant; a worm even...

Uhm, hello mutherfucker, those other slurs are also historical so why is it severely offensive when a white person says nigger? Shouldn't we be praised for using a term OUR ancestors used? That's what I thought. Anyway, night school didn't work out and so we both dropped out indefinitely.

I dated my toddler's father for about 2 1/2 years- off and on. When I was two months pregnant, he shoved me backwards, really hard, onto his couch/love seat and almost made me crack my head on the windowsill against the wall. He constantly nit picked at everything I did. What I ate, what I drank, what I wore, etc. I ended up breaking up with him before my second trimester. Around my eighth month, we got back together and during this try, he picked a fight with my mother- in the delivery room, right after Raine was born. Resulting in Child Protective Services being called on me. During the next two years, he would constantly fight with me, accuse me of cheating on him with every guy I came in contact with. He forced me to perform sexual acts on him and forced himself on me while I slept. Even going as far as taking out my tampon while I slept during my cycle and bragging about it to everyone and my sister!

He would strangle me, grab my arms and wrists, kick me, slap me, throw things at me, call me vicious names, swear and holler at me, make fun of my body after giving birth, tell me nobody will ever love me. Threatened to kill me, the baby and my whole family before he'd kill himself so he wouldn't have to go to jail. He threatened to kidnap my daughter, and everything I listed before...my daughter witnessed. Every day for two years of her life- the first two years- she has seen him do all those things to me. He would force sexual acts on me while she was napping merely a foot away from us. My brother confronted him about raping me and he said "she loved it."

I have since left him and my daughter is in therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because him. He's fighting me for visitations but as long as I'm standing, he won't abuse her again- I won't let him. He was abusive towards her as well, he's scream in her face, yank her by her arm just for standing too close to his video games, he slapped her after going to slap me and missed...He's unstable and cruel and there's no way I could allow her to go with him without me. She won't go without me anyway so...Anyway!!!

Even though our school days are far over, we still endure bullying today, in our own home. That's right, we encounter manipulation, insults, domestic abuse/violence by our mom's boyfriend and even by our own mother. Sexual assault and harassment on the streets and in stores, clubs, bars, etc. go on everyday to innocent people who are either too afraid to stand up and do something or are so used to it that it doesn't even get through their thick skin anymore. Or when they do stand up, the get retaliated against worse than it was before- resulting in death or serious injury. It never ends. It never will end. As long as people are different, look different, talk different, believe in different things...have different colored skin, different hair, accents, clothes, voices, noses and boobs...as long as there are people who are so unhappy with themselves- or TOO happy with themselves- that everyone else is just inferior or useless, there will always be hate and judgment and criticism.

People will never change. People will never learn. And people will never love each other. It's just a fact of life and I will never accept it. As long as I still witness bullying in my environment, I am always going to feel such an intense hatred for them, that forgiveness and God's love won't even be able to come close to touching or changing it. I hate people and their ability to target and hurt other people AND animals just to make themselves feel better about whatever it is that makes them do it. They know we all have feelings, they know we're all made up of the same parts and organs, they know we feel pain as much as they do, emotional and physical and yet they're still able to tell someone the world would be a better place if they killed themselves.

And some of those innocent people actually believe those disgusting parasites and off themselves because they feel like everyone would be better off without them in their lives. Then, this bully gets to sit back and watch the victim's family and friends suffer the loss of their loved one. They know what they said was part of the reason for this person's suicide and yet they go on with their lives like nothing ever happened.

I don't care what anyone says, those bullies don't feel a speck of remorse. I don't know how many times I've read or heard about a bully feeling awful because someone they picked on killed themselves. Get off it! They don't feel shit! I don't give a flying fuck if their daddy used to beat them or their mother ignored them, I don't fucking care! At least you're still alive! At least you know someone out there loves you. The kid who killed him/herself because of you and how many other of your bully friends, thought nobody cared or loved them enough to stand up to you and help them in their time of need. Desperate need.

Fuck you and your bullshit remorse because that's all it is: BULLSHIT!

I was treated this way, bullied, my whole life, and I will NOT let it happen to my daughter. EVER! If I even suspect she is being bullied and abused and no one is doing a thing about it, I will fight with every bit of angst in my body and I'll make sure it is known by all that it's going on- I won't hold nothing back!

Welp, that's it for my story on bullying and my experience with the problem. (More like a fucking epidemic or is it pandemic? Whichever is more serious.) Thanks for taking the time out to read this, it really means a lot that you'd be interested in my life story. (When it comes to bullying anyway.) I bid you all good day and thanks again.