FOR YOU.
okay. enough is enough. this issue has gone too far and i need to sort out all the conflicting emotions that's driving me up the wall. just like what nic wrote on his journal, i want to clear things up on my journal too. i don't think it's very fair for me to be portrayed as the bitch who dated another guy after being dumped by her boyfriend after what? 14 days?
first of all, i don't want to play the blame game by just pointing the finger at him. there's no one solely to blame here. we both are at fault for our crumbling relationship. i do admit that at times i tend to be abit demanding. and it doesn't help that he's spending his time focusing on his games as well. and hey, from that point onwards, it's pretty much a no brainer. would a girl stick around when the guy won't devote his time on her? i'm not saying devote completely but the least is to just try to be there for her? yes, i admit. his games have always bothered me. cause i always feel that i come second to his game. it's always his games. and sometimes it gets very frustrating. i know that this is very trivial and childish but it bugs me that he can't even see me home on valentine's day and on our 6 months anniversary because of his game. yes. stupid. childish. but it bothered me because it tells me that if he prioritise his games even at the early stages of the relationship then it's basically downhill from there onwards. i'm not saying this to make him look bad or anything. i just want to say how i feel.
another thing is, religion. he's a catholic and i'm a muslim. and his parents being staunch catholics, are of course, not very pleased with our relationship. and since i will NEVER convert over, this just spells out that there is no future in our relationship. and of course when you are in a relationship, chances are that you would probably want it to last till marriage. but how do you keep a relationship going when you know there's a dead end somewhere? especially when that relation is as shaky as the boogie-woogie? he wasn't very optimistic either. even when i asked him why he stayed on when he knows that there is no future for us, i can't get an answer. so how? unless i'm in love with emotional suicide, i'd get out.
when he broke up with me, i was beyond heart-broken. i cried and cried and cried till my eyes got so swollen i could hardly see. i burst into tears just about anywhere. in the toilet, while walking, in the class, even when i'm standing. i can't stop the tears. i couldn't believe he would do that to me. i thought i meant the world to him and to see him just let me go just like that, it breaks my heart. and also, i didn't understand why he left me. i told him that once and he said that if i didn't know why he left me then i should start to reflect on what i did wrong. when i said i don't know what i did wrong, he told me to stop ruining our relationship as friends. like wth? i still remembered what he said. every word i cried, i meant and every reply he breathes, i stuck it on my mind. i remember the day i begged him not to leave me. it was on the mrt platform and i was wailing. he didn't even flinch. his face remained emotionless. i felt like punching him just to see the hurt on his face. in his monotonous voice, he said that there's NOTHING LEFT and he don't want to be with me. i went home with a bleeding heart.
few days later i asked him if there's any possiblity of us getting back together. he said i don't know. he said take it as NO. and that supposedly if he wants me back and if i was with another guy, he would wait for me. i went home in the rain listening to sheila on 7, crying.
so there was this guy. let's just call him mushroom. well mushroom is this cute guy that my friends and i worship. he was the cutest things ever and we find him very amusing. everytime we have lessons in the smart classroom, we would never fail to glance back just to see him and giggle like ditzy schoolkids. okay so after like 10 days into the breakup, i found that mushroom was the guy who used to sms me back in Semester 1. which is last year. i started to get all excited cause well, he's very cute. and he looks like adam lazzara. so i was screaming at the thought of having his number all these while so i smsed him asking if he's really mushroom. he said yes. i shrieked. i danced. call it a shot of euphoria. so well, after that we started to exchange sms again and he asked me out during the weekend. i said that sounds great and so we went out and had a great time. that's not a crime, right? after all, i'm no longer attached and it seems like the ex-boyfriend won't come back to me. i'm moving on. i'm happy. the more time i spend with mushroom, the more we find out that we have tons of things in common. and he makes me laugh alot. we click very very well. that's wonderful, no?
see, i have no intention of hurting him. like he wanted me to, i'm moving on. and he doesn't seem to like it very much. i have never cheated on him. i have never lied. i have never backstabbed him. not even an ounce of betrayal. so why does he make it seem like i'm the cheating bitch? sure, i admit that i moved on quickly. too quickly perhaps. but mushroom's not even my boyfriend. we're friends. maybe you could say we're dating but i don't want to rush into things and let the vicious cycle repeat the pattern. this time i want to make it last and it's still gonna take time for me to get to know him better. for me to know how sincere he is. how genuine. and how he's feeling towards me. it takes time. but i'll be patient nevertheless.
things have been turning quite well for me nowadays. but it's unfair for me to be happy knowing that he's wallowing himself in self pity. i just want to tell you that it's not your fault. stop blaming yourself for losing me or whatever. feelings change and at this moment, i don't feel anything for you anymore. it might be too fast but hey, who's to say what's fast or not? i have always strongly believed that everything happens for a reason and God always has a plan for everything. maybe we're just not meant to be together. maybe we're the starcrossed lovers that you have always said we were. maybe God just have a better girl out there for you. sorry if i have hurt you. i never meant any wrongdoings. but i want to thank you for the times we spent together. thank you for the joy that you have once given me. thank you for everything. i'm sorry that it didn't turn out the way we wanted it to be. life's full of surprises, right?
first of all, i don't want to play the blame game by just pointing the finger at him. there's no one solely to blame here. we both are at fault for our crumbling relationship. i do admit that at times i tend to be abit demanding. and it doesn't help that he's spending his time focusing on his games as well. and hey, from that point onwards, it's pretty much a no brainer. would a girl stick around when the guy won't devote his time on her? i'm not saying devote completely but the least is to just try to be there for her? yes, i admit. his games have always bothered me. cause i always feel that i come second to his game. it's always his games. and sometimes it gets very frustrating. i know that this is very trivial and childish but it bugs me that he can't even see me home on valentine's day and on our 6 months anniversary because of his game. yes. stupid. childish. but it bothered me because it tells me that if he prioritise his games even at the early stages of the relationship then it's basically downhill from there onwards. i'm not saying this to make him look bad or anything. i just want to say how i feel.
another thing is, religion. he's a catholic and i'm a muslim. and his parents being staunch catholics, are of course, not very pleased with our relationship. and since i will NEVER convert over, this just spells out that there is no future in our relationship. and of course when you are in a relationship, chances are that you would probably want it to last till marriage. but how do you keep a relationship going when you know there's a dead end somewhere? especially when that relation is as shaky as the boogie-woogie? he wasn't very optimistic either. even when i asked him why he stayed on when he knows that there is no future for us, i can't get an answer. so how? unless i'm in love with emotional suicide, i'd get out.
when he broke up with me, i was beyond heart-broken. i cried and cried and cried till my eyes got so swollen i could hardly see. i burst into tears just about anywhere. in the toilet, while walking, in the class, even when i'm standing. i can't stop the tears. i couldn't believe he would do that to me. i thought i meant the world to him and to see him just let me go just like that, it breaks my heart. and also, i didn't understand why he left me. i told him that once and he said that if i didn't know why he left me then i should start to reflect on what i did wrong. when i said i don't know what i did wrong, he told me to stop ruining our relationship as friends. like wth? i still remembered what he said. every word i cried, i meant and every reply he breathes, i stuck it on my mind. i remember the day i begged him not to leave me. it was on the mrt platform and i was wailing. he didn't even flinch. his face remained emotionless. i felt like punching him just to see the hurt on his face. in his monotonous voice, he said that there's NOTHING LEFT and he don't want to be with me. i went home with a bleeding heart.
few days later i asked him if there's any possiblity of us getting back together. he said i don't know. he said take it as NO. and that supposedly if he wants me back and if i was with another guy, he would wait for me. i went home in the rain listening to sheila on 7, crying.
so there was this guy. let's just call him mushroom. well mushroom is this cute guy that my friends and i worship. he was the cutest things ever and we find him very amusing. everytime we have lessons in the smart classroom, we would never fail to glance back just to see him and giggle like ditzy schoolkids. okay so after like 10 days into the breakup, i found that mushroom was the guy who used to sms me back in Semester 1. which is last year. i started to get all excited cause well, he's very cute. and he looks like adam lazzara. so i was screaming at the thought of having his number all these while so i smsed him asking if he's really mushroom. he said yes. i shrieked. i danced. call it a shot of euphoria. so well, after that we started to exchange sms again and he asked me out during the weekend. i said that sounds great and so we went out and had a great time. that's not a crime, right? after all, i'm no longer attached and it seems like the ex-boyfriend won't come back to me. i'm moving on. i'm happy. the more time i spend with mushroom, the more we find out that we have tons of things in common. and he makes me laugh alot. we click very very well. that's wonderful, no?
see, i have no intention of hurting him. like he wanted me to, i'm moving on. and he doesn't seem to like it very much. i have never cheated on him. i have never lied. i have never backstabbed him. not even an ounce of betrayal. so why does he make it seem like i'm the cheating bitch? sure, i admit that i moved on quickly. too quickly perhaps. but mushroom's not even my boyfriend. we're friends. maybe you could say we're dating but i don't want to rush into things and let the vicious cycle repeat the pattern. this time i want to make it last and it's still gonna take time for me to get to know him better. for me to know how sincere he is. how genuine. and how he's feeling towards me. it takes time. but i'll be patient nevertheless.
things have been turning quite well for me nowadays. but it's unfair for me to be happy knowing that he's wallowing himself in self pity. i just want to tell you that it's not your fault. stop blaming yourself for losing me or whatever. feelings change and at this moment, i don't feel anything for you anymore. it might be too fast but hey, who's to say what's fast or not? i have always strongly believed that everything happens for a reason and God always has a plan for everything. maybe we're just not meant to be together. maybe we're the starcrossed lovers that you have always said we were. maybe God just have a better girl out there for you. sorry if i have hurt you. i never meant any wrongdoings. but i want to thank you for the times we spent together. thank you for the joy that you have once given me. thank you for everything. i'm sorry that it didn't turn out the way we wanted it to be. life's full of surprises, right?