before they got big, or: real Uighur power
We studied Uighurs a bit in class this week. I love learning about Uighurs.
Anyone who reads the news knows that China is on the rise these days. Most people are wondering about the effects this will have on dry matters like the global economy or the lives of rural Chinese farmers, but my own interests being what they are, I can't help but wonder what that'll mean for the perception of Chinese culture in other Asian nations and the West. I wonder if the kids will rent out convention centers where they can dress like the new Karen Mok and write fanfiction about the new Andy Lau, and what people on the internet will sputter about it. But it's not just a lumberjack's hunger for schadenfreude that makes me want to live long enough to see the meteoric rise of Chinese schlock culture. I really just hope that Chinese culture taking a similar tour of the American mainstream as one of its neighbors has would help put myths of cultural uniqueness to rest, or at least muffle them for a few decades.
Of course, people viewing things in the long term know that even taking the "-chan" or "-kun" off the end of your screen name and sticking a "xiao" on the front is only a short term solution. Slant-eyed peoples of various denominations remind us that nothing lasts forever, and while we may thumb our noses at the obvious correlation between sentiments like this and underperforming economic and political systems, we can see this truism echoed by some of our greatest, whitest poets, like the band Kansas. Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky, folks, and that includes the popularity of the oriental race du jour. Enjoy those French loanwords while they last, by the way, because in a few decades they'll be replaced by something nobody knows how to romanize.
That's why I'm here with hot tips on what will be the Next Big Thing out of that monstrous Oriental beehive. People, it's time to acquaint yourself with the Uighurs.
-The Uighurs are a kick-ass people with a kick-ass name that nobody can spell. (see above) You got a lot of nomads and angry barbarians coming out of the steppes, you know, but it's rare to see a people with the moxie to wrangle southern China out of the usual lunch money equivalents (rice, silk, imperial daughters) without actually razing their cities. Evidence suggests that Genghis Khan just wanted to bone princesses really badly, but he could only accomplish this by amassing the world's largest, deadliest force of crazy guys on horses. The Uighur Khagans pulled this off just by putting down some rebellions for their Tang neighbors, which is sweet except one of them was a Tibetan rebellion, so if you feel bad whenever the Dhalai Lama is making Yoda faces on the newspaper there's that. Hopefully by the time the Uighur boom actually hits we'll have some other nation for hippies to make bumper stickers about.
-On that note, the Uighurs are a diasporic people, stretched all the way from Eastern Europe to bumfuck regions of China, and pretty much wherever they are they're the minority and some nation is trying to rewrite their history or reinterpret their genealogy so they have a reason to screw somebody over, usually the Uighurs. So they're sort of like a cinderella story that way, and guys with booming voices on NFL pre-game shows inform me it isn't even that gay to like those kinds of stories anymore.
-Uighur culture was the shit for a while when they ran the Silk Road, but you'll never really hear about it much, so if somebody is mouthing off about Turkic art you can totally be the Silk Road indie rock guy by talking about Uighur art. Uighur food is also supposed to be really good but supposedly Chinese people laugh at you for eating it, which is kind of messed up but not as messed up as, I dunno, forced abortions.
-One of the villains in Fist of the North Star is named "Uighur", but you shouldn't let that convince you that Uighurs wear funny horned helmets or are always whipping women and children for no adequately explained reason. Also, most Uighurs don't get their arms cut off by some dude resembling the keyboardist from Duran Duran. If by the time Uighurs are "in" somebody near you still likes Japanese pop culture, you can one-up him by pointing out that, in addition to being completely insane and probably in the closet, the author of the Fist of the North Star had an ignorant opinion of Uighurs.
Anyone who reads the news knows that China is on the rise these days. Most people are wondering about the effects this will have on dry matters like the global economy or the lives of rural Chinese farmers, but my own interests being what they are, I can't help but wonder what that'll mean for the perception of Chinese culture in other Asian nations and the West. I wonder if the kids will rent out convention centers where they can dress like the new Karen Mok and write fanfiction about the new Andy Lau, and what people on the internet will sputter about it. But it's not just a lumberjack's hunger for schadenfreude that makes me want to live long enough to see the meteoric rise of Chinese schlock culture. I really just hope that Chinese culture taking a similar tour of the American mainstream as one of its neighbors has would help put myths of cultural uniqueness to rest, or at least muffle them for a few decades.
Of course, people viewing things in the long term know that even taking the "-chan" or "-kun" off the end of your screen name and sticking a "xiao" on the front is only a short term solution. Slant-eyed peoples of various denominations remind us that nothing lasts forever, and while we may thumb our noses at the obvious correlation between sentiments like this and underperforming economic and political systems, we can see this truism echoed by some of our greatest, whitest poets, like the band Kansas. Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky, folks, and that includes the popularity of the oriental race du jour. Enjoy those French loanwords while they last, by the way, because in a few decades they'll be replaced by something nobody knows how to romanize.
That's why I'm here with hot tips on what will be the Next Big Thing out of that monstrous Oriental beehive. People, it's time to acquaint yourself with the Uighurs.
-The Uighurs are a kick-ass people with a kick-ass name that nobody can spell. (see above) You got a lot of nomads and angry barbarians coming out of the steppes, you know, but it's rare to see a people with the moxie to wrangle southern China out of the usual lunch money equivalents (rice, silk, imperial daughters) without actually razing their cities. Evidence suggests that Genghis Khan just wanted to bone princesses really badly, but he could only accomplish this by amassing the world's largest, deadliest force of crazy guys on horses. The Uighur Khagans pulled this off just by putting down some rebellions for their Tang neighbors, which is sweet except one of them was a Tibetan rebellion, so if you feel bad whenever the Dhalai Lama is making Yoda faces on the newspaper there's that. Hopefully by the time the Uighur boom actually hits we'll have some other nation for hippies to make bumper stickers about.
-On that note, the Uighurs are a diasporic people, stretched all the way from Eastern Europe to bumfuck regions of China, and pretty much wherever they are they're the minority and some nation is trying to rewrite their history or reinterpret their genealogy so they have a reason to screw somebody over, usually the Uighurs. So they're sort of like a cinderella story that way, and guys with booming voices on NFL pre-game shows inform me it isn't even that gay to like those kinds of stories anymore.
-Uighur culture was the shit for a while when they ran the Silk Road, but you'll never really hear about it much, so if somebody is mouthing off about Turkic art you can totally be the Silk Road indie rock guy by talking about Uighur art. Uighur food is also supposed to be really good but supposedly Chinese people laugh at you for eating it, which is kind of messed up but not as messed up as, I dunno, forced abortions.
-One of the villains in Fist of the North Star is named "Uighur", but you shouldn't let that convince you that Uighurs wear funny horned helmets or are always whipping women and children for no adequately explained reason. Also, most Uighurs don't get their arms cut off by some dude resembling the keyboardist from Duran Duran. If by the time Uighurs are "in" somebody near you still likes Japanese pop culture, you can one-up him by pointing out that, in addition to being completely insane and probably in the closet, the author of the Fist of the North Star had an ignorant opinion of Uighurs.