Update
Hello, people of the internet. Long time, no see.
Life goes on and on and on. Good thing, I guess. I'm still on summer break, though it ends in two weeks, then the studying shall commence. But up until then, I'm trying to work as much as I can, since I can use the money.
I'm working in the hospital now, helping the nurses. Really, quite a good job, considering how much I hated it in the beginning. But now I think I'm really lucky to have this job, since it's interesting and well-paid. It's just that I have to keep reminding myself that not all old people are in such condition as I see them. Actually, they are probably the unlucky worst-case-scenarios, or else they wouldn't be in the hospital. But so many of them are so broken- they just lie there, with wounds on their lower backs from the pressure their own body puts on their skin, most often mentally impaired, frequently quite heavily so. It's one thing hearing that there are people alive out there who should be dead but are still alive thanks to modern medicine. It's another thing being there and treating them. Suddenly, euthanasia isn't a theoretical subject anymore. Suddenly, it affects my life. And while I can't and won't impose any of my beliefs on my patients, I know that I NEVER want to end like that. Like a lot of people I see every day. I think it's one of the worst things that could ever happen to me and my next of kin. I want to die before it ends like that. I want someone to shoot me, if necessary. Or to "accidently" take way to many pills.
Another thing that bothers me is how quickly you become so detached from the people's emotions in the hospital. Pain, sadness- it all just doesn't affect you after a while. I was in the same room with a grieving daughter and her terminally ill mother for about 5 hours last night. And all the while she cried and kissed her, I felt- nothing. Maybe a hint of pity. But mostly I was tired and wanted to go to bed. Is that bad? It definitely is easier than caring all the time. But after a while their problems are their own and mine are mine. They don't mix. Still, I wonder if I'm somehow- without empathy. If there's something wrong with me. I feel like I should care more. I don't, not really. Especially since I can't do anything about it. Hm.
In an hour, I'll be back in the hospital. Let's see what this night brings.