UNDERWAY/ The Aftermath 2/3
author buiochas_le_dia
title: Underway Take2 2/3
rating: R+
pairing: JA/JP
Summary and author’s note: Well what if he had chosen Jared all those years ago.
Future fic, Jensen gets a chance to look back and maybe reconsider. It’s a follow up to Underway and as a lot of the OC’s are mentioned it’s probably a good idea to read that first.
feedback: comment, please.
disclaimer: i don't own the boys.
what d'ya say?
that it's just what we need
you decided this
He knows before he opens his eyes that the bed is empty, he can stretch his hand forever and only feel cool sheets. He stretches any ways and tries to ignore the nausea and his ever heavy limbs.
He’s toweling off from a shower when Jared calls to check in. “Gravity is a bitch.” Jared laughs and complains about the catering on set. He’ll be home soon but if Jensen’s feeling up to it the dogs need a walk. Jensen doesn’t and he apologizes, says I love you and hangs up.
It’s Christmas and they’ve got nowhere to go. Jensen’s mom sent a card but it’s clear his dad’s signature is forged. Jared didn’t get anything. They have lights up and a tree that's looking more Charlie Brown than Times Square. Well, Jensen promises himself as he struggles to get dressed, if I were feeling better we could invite people here. Christian would come, and Isabelle with Robbie, Mackenzie and Megan might too. But a racking cough stops this line of thinking. In the end they are just this, the way it is.
There were good years, like stolen kisses. A few more years of Supernatural and a hidden romance that made Jensen feel like James Bond. But families have prying eyes and brother’s are never blind. And Jeff tried, he did, and there are days when he almost seems to accept it. Would we still be brothers? But apparently, in Texas, the answer is no. Josh was always the harder sell and these days he’d sooner admit he like the Redskins then call Jensen on the phone. It’s not that we don’t love you. We’re just. . . disappointed. But disappointment can hang heavy and thick until nothing else is visible, tangible except this weight of I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
They have love though, and each other, lest anyone forget, lest they forget.
And it's easy to forget, Jensen will have you know.
Even as Jared licks a familiar path from ear lobe to big toe and even as he says I love you. I love you. Don’t you see. We’re perfect. Even then Jensen can’t help. . . but wondering is pointless. Be careful what you wish for.
“How was today?”
“Good. Terrible. I hate being tired.”
“Yeah.” Jared sighs and watches the water boil. Can hear his mother’s echo Watched pot never boils. And he thinks right back, Wish you were here ma. I don’t know how to take care of him.
“You?”
“Fine. We got picked up for another season.”
“Good. Great. I bet Kripke’s happy, he missed Supernatural.”
“Mhmm. He misses you, you know. He says you should visit set more often, maybe grab a cameo.”
“Yeah.” A pause and they both start laughing, a bitter laugh that speaks of things they’ll never have again.
Later in bed Jensen has courage to ask things that daylight wouldn’t allow. Jared’s hovering above him, hands drawing patterns over his thinning body. “When I die, do you think your parents will start talking to you again?” Jared stops, stiff, eyes cold.
“You’re not going to die.”
“The chemo isn’t working.”
“We’ll keep trying, other stuff, there’s other stuff we can do.”
“Jared.” But Jared is pulling away out of bed, cold air seeping in.
“Stop it.” Yelled and then more quietly. “You’re all I have.” And it’s true. How true it is. Jensen drops his head back on the pillow and lets silent tears run from his eyes. Jared sits up for awhile before coming back to bed.
Jensen can remembers the exact moment things started to change for permanent.
The first Thanksgiving after Supernatural ended they went to Jared’s, still just bachelor friends at that point. But gearing up towards coming out. Jared was confident in the love his parents had for him, confident with the friendship he had with Jeff, and surely Missy was on board, and Megan would always adore him. Wouldn’t she?
But Jared was wrong, but then, how do you predict another persons reaction?
It started out as quiet knowledge. He told Megan first and Jensen immediately wished he hadn’t. Thought that, probably, they could keep this a secret forever. Megan smiled, and hugged Jensen, said welcome to the family and kissed his cheek. But there was no warmth and Jensen never felt it again.
Fear.
That’s what it was. Little Megan would always adore her older brother. But Little Megan was very, almost too, aware of her family in it’s entirety.
Fear.
And now, Jensen’s the guy that cut her brother out of his family, that erased him from the front page of the family bible, that had him crossed off the family picture list.
Jensen’s that guy.
Well Jensen saw that holiday go from bad to worse and decided right then and there not to tell his family.
And it worked.
Until a photo in People’s magazine ousted him before he even knew the picture had been taken. A teary phone call from Mackenzie, dad’s mad, dad’s real mad. And then his mom you could have told me. But couldn’t she see, he couldn’t have, he didn’t want to lose her.
And it’s not politically correct to claim it still happens.
But real life is never quite as p.c. as we would like to believe and as it turns out, your family can still disown you for being gay.
Isabelle and Robbie stop by on their way further north. They bring Black Forest Ham and Pumpkin pie. Robbie sits comfortable in the living room and talks football with Jared. Jensen puts the food away and tries to ignore Isabelle’s worried stare.
“How are you feeling?”
“I have cancer.” A harsh laugh, she drops her gaze for a moment.
“Are you going to beat it?”
“No.”
“Are you scared?”
“Scared for him.” Jensen jerks his head towards the living room where Jared’s full laugh can be heard. “He doesn’t have. . . doesn’t have anyone to lean on.” She nods and covers her mouth with her hand. “If I had known. . .”
“What? Known that you were going to die young?”
“Yeah. I wouldn’t have. He lost his whole family because of me.”
“It was worth it for him.”
“Was it?” But she doesn’t answer, because she doesn’t know, and she doesn’t think so.
Christmas Eve.
The tree twinkles falsely in front of the window. There are gifts beneath the tree, unopened. Jensen is naked, curled in Jared’s naked arms. Quilts and pillows around them, a fire burning. Every now and then Jensen coughs, and sometimes he feels the nausea creeping up and receding. It’ll be his last Christmas, he knows this with the same certainty he knows that Jared bought him a new iPod and Christian’s latest CD. He can feel in the strength of Jared’s arms that Jared knows too, and every now and then he can hear a sob building deep in the depth of Jared’s heart.
They don’t talk.
What words would be adequate?
In the end Jensen fights through another year, dies just after Thanksgiving. the funeral is small, Jensen’s parents don’t go to the reception. In fact, only Isabelle and Robbie, and Mackenzie go. It ends early and Jared is left with an empty house and the knowledge that he is well and truly alone.
He’s almost 40, it’s not that rare to be forced to start over now.
Doesn’t make it easy.
Jared spends his days phoning in lines on set, his nights sitting with photo albums and Harley II, the only dog he has left. He doesn’t even see the pictures anymore. Sometimes he puts on one of Jensen’s shirts and lets his smell sit on his skin, again, just once more.
He tries to rebuild his family. Even pleads insanity once or twice. But they don’t hear him, don’t notice him anymore. They’ve spent the last 15 years without him, his loss is nothing new. They’ve adjusted.
And so it goes.
And that's how it could have gone. Could have gone something like that.
But even so, Jensen couldn’t tell you, if he had a chance to do it all again, which choice he would have made. Which person he loved more, if given the chance to choose Jared, he would have had the strength to say no again.
title: Underway Take2 2/3
rating: R+
pairing: JA/JP
Summary and author’s note: Well what if he had chosen Jared all those years ago.
Future fic, Jensen gets a chance to look back and maybe reconsider. It’s a follow up to Underway and as a lot of the OC’s are mentioned it’s probably a good idea to read that first.
feedback: comment, please.
disclaimer: i don't own the boys.
what d'ya say?
that it's just what we need
you decided this
He knows before he opens his eyes that the bed is empty, he can stretch his hand forever and only feel cool sheets. He stretches any ways and tries to ignore the nausea and his ever heavy limbs.
He’s toweling off from a shower when Jared calls to check in. “Gravity is a bitch.” Jared laughs and complains about the catering on set. He’ll be home soon but if Jensen’s feeling up to it the dogs need a walk. Jensen doesn’t and he apologizes, says I love you and hangs up.
It’s Christmas and they’ve got nowhere to go. Jensen’s mom sent a card but it’s clear his dad’s signature is forged. Jared didn’t get anything. They have lights up and a tree that's looking more Charlie Brown than Times Square. Well, Jensen promises himself as he struggles to get dressed, if I were feeling better we could invite people here. Christian would come, and Isabelle with Robbie, Mackenzie and Megan might too. But a racking cough stops this line of thinking. In the end they are just this, the way it is.
There were good years, like stolen kisses. A few more years of Supernatural and a hidden romance that made Jensen feel like James Bond. But families have prying eyes and brother’s are never blind. And Jeff tried, he did, and there are days when he almost seems to accept it. Would we still be brothers? But apparently, in Texas, the answer is no. Josh was always the harder sell and these days he’d sooner admit he like the Redskins then call Jensen on the phone. It’s not that we don’t love you. We’re just. . . disappointed. But disappointment can hang heavy and thick until nothing else is visible, tangible except this weight of I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
They have love though, and each other, lest anyone forget, lest they forget.
And it's easy to forget, Jensen will have you know.
Even as Jared licks a familiar path from ear lobe to big toe and even as he says I love you. I love you. Don’t you see. We’re perfect. Even then Jensen can’t help. . . but wondering is pointless. Be careful what you wish for.
“How was today?”
“Good. Terrible. I hate being tired.”
“Yeah.” Jared sighs and watches the water boil. Can hear his mother’s echo Watched pot never boils. And he thinks right back, Wish you were here ma. I don’t know how to take care of him.
“You?”
“Fine. We got picked up for another season.”
“Good. Great. I bet Kripke’s happy, he missed Supernatural.”
“Mhmm. He misses you, you know. He says you should visit set more often, maybe grab a cameo.”
“Yeah.” A pause and they both start laughing, a bitter laugh that speaks of things they’ll never have again.
Later in bed Jensen has courage to ask things that daylight wouldn’t allow. Jared’s hovering above him, hands drawing patterns over his thinning body. “When I die, do you think your parents will start talking to you again?” Jared stops, stiff, eyes cold.
“You’re not going to die.”
“The chemo isn’t working.”
“We’ll keep trying, other stuff, there’s other stuff we can do.”
“Jared.” But Jared is pulling away out of bed, cold air seeping in.
“Stop it.” Yelled and then more quietly. “You’re all I have.” And it’s true. How true it is. Jensen drops his head back on the pillow and lets silent tears run from his eyes. Jared sits up for awhile before coming back to bed.
Jensen can remembers the exact moment things started to change for permanent.
The first Thanksgiving after Supernatural ended they went to Jared’s, still just bachelor friends at that point. But gearing up towards coming out. Jared was confident in the love his parents had for him, confident with the friendship he had with Jeff, and surely Missy was on board, and Megan would always adore him. Wouldn’t she?
But Jared was wrong, but then, how do you predict another persons reaction?
It started out as quiet knowledge. He told Megan first and Jensen immediately wished he hadn’t. Thought that, probably, they could keep this a secret forever. Megan smiled, and hugged Jensen, said welcome to the family and kissed his cheek. But there was no warmth and Jensen never felt it again.
Fear.
That’s what it was. Little Megan would always adore her older brother. But Little Megan was very, almost too, aware of her family in it’s entirety.
Fear.
And now, Jensen’s the guy that cut her brother out of his family, that erased him from the front page of the family bible, that had him crossed off the family picture list.
Jensen’s that guy.
Well Jensen saw that holiday go from bad to worse and decided right then and there not to tell his family.
And it worked.
Until a photo in People’s magazine ousted him before he even knew the picture had been taken. A teary phone call from Mackenzie, dad’s mad, dad’s real mad. And then his mom you could have told me. But couldn’t she see, he couldn’t have, he didn’t want to lose her.
And it’s not politically correct to claim it still happens.
But real life is never quite as p.c. as we would like to believe and as it turns out, your family can still disown you for being gay.
Isabelle and Robbie stop by on their way further north. They bring Black Forest Ham and Pumpkin pie. Robbie sits comfortable in the living room and talks football with Jared. Jensen puts the food away and tries to ignore Isabelle’s worried stare.
“How are you feeling?”
“I have cancer.” A harsh laugh, she drops her gaze for a moment.
“Are you going to beat it?”
“No.”
“Are you scared?”
“Scared for him.” Jensen jerks his head towards the living room where Jared’s full laugh can be heard. “He doesn’t have. . . doesn’t have anyone to lean on.” She nods and covers her mouth with her hand. “If I had known. . .”
“What? Known that you were going to die young?”
“Yeah. I wouldn’t have. He lost his whole family because of me.”
“It was worth it for him.”
“Was it?” But she doesn’t answer, because she doesn’t know, and she doesn’t think so.
Christmas Eve.
The tree twinkles falsely in front of the window. There are gifts beneath the tree, unopened. Jensen is naked, curled in Jared’s naked arms. Quilts and pillows around them, a fire burning. Every now and then Jensen coughs, and sometimes he feels the nausea creeping up and receding. It’ll be his last Christmas, he knows this with the same certainty he knows that Jared bought him a new iPod and Christian’s latest CD. He can feel in the strength of Jared’s arms that Jared knows too, and every now and then he can hear a sob building deep in the depth of Jared’s heart.
They don’t talk.
What words would be adequate?
In the end Jensen fights through another year, dies just after Thanksgiving. the funeral is small, Jensen’s parents don’t go to the reception. In fact, only Isabelle and Robbie, and Mackenzie go. It ends early and Jared is left with an empty house and the knowledge that he is well and truly alone.
He’s almost 40, it’s not that rare to be forced to start over now.
Doesn’t make it easy.
Jared spends his days phoning in lines on set, his nights sitting with photo albums and Harley II, the only dog he has left. He doesn’t even see the pictures anymore. Sometimes he puts on one of Jensen’s shirts and lets his smell sit on his skin, again, just once more.
He tries to rebuild his family. Even pleads insanity once or twice. But they don’t hear him, don’t notice him anymore. They’ve spent the last 15 years without him, his loss is nothing new. They’ve adjusted.
And so it goes.
And that's how it could have gone. Could have gone something like that.
But even so, Jensen couldn’t tell you, if he had a chance to do it all again, which choice he would have made. Which person he loved more, if given the chance to choose Jared, he would have had the strength to say no again.