Sunsets
Three hundred and sixty-five days. Okay, so more like three hundred sixty-four days and twelve hours, but who's counting. Since I've graduated, that is.
It's been quite a year. In a lot of ways I'm nowhere near where I'd thought I'd be at this point. The surprising part is that that isn't necessarily a bad thing at all. I'm too scared to quantify it all in case all the ways I've "falling short" are overwhelming (there isn't any doubt that they would be). But there's a lot of good that's happened since then that can't be ignored. I'm actually extremely lucky. There are a lot of people who have been nothing but understanding and have gone out of their way to make sure I knew that I wasn't completely alone here like I thought I was. I probably don't say thank you enough for that, but there's no way to express how grateful I am for all of it. I know how lost I'd be without that. I've learned a fair amount about myself and how/why I react to situations the way I do. There are plenty of people I've come to know and care about in the last year that I didn't know existed a year ago.
May 18, 2009:
Honestly, I'm getting kind of concerned for myself being home, and it's only been two days. Even aside from the whole "I have no clue what the fuck I'm doing now," thing, there's the bigger, more permanent "people are what made Oneonta home for me and I don't have ANYONE that feels like home here" (with the exception of my family, of course). That really is a big problem. I feel like I have no control over that situation. Somewhere, I still know that eventually I'm going to be okay. But that seems like it's way too far in the future. At this point I can barely see myself being okay here. That's a fucking depressing thought, but it's one I can't shake right now. I know that when I finally am feeling consistently like I'm in a good place again, I'm going to read back on this and shake my head at how determined I am that I'm going to be miserable. My being able to recognize this just makes it seem frivolous to feel this way all over again.
I just need to remind myself: things are always changing. This isn't going to stay this way. Cheer the fuck up.
The fact is there's still much progress to be made and I'm fine with that. Things are okay here. I am mostly in a good place at the moment. Even still, things aren't going to stay this way. There are bound to be rough patches ahead with things that are going well, and things that aren't going as well will be resolved sooner or later (hopefully sooner). I'm a lot happier than I could have ever guessed. That's all that I can ask for at the moment.
I used to think I had to escape from this place to make it anywhere, then I realized, why should I wait, my life isn't over here, it's just begun..
It's been quite a year. In a lot of ways I'm nowhere near where I'd thought I'd be at this point. The surprising part is that that isn't necessarily a bad thing at all. I'm too scared to quantify it all in case all the ways I've "falling short" are overwhelming (there isn't any doubt that they would be). But there's a lot of good that's happened since then that can't be ignored. I'm actually extremely lucky. There are a lot of people who have been nothing but understanding and have gone out of their way to make sure I knew that I wasn't completely alone here like I thought I was. I probably don't say thank you enough for that, but there's no way to express how grateful I am for all of it. I know how lost I'd be without that. I've learned a fair amount about myself and how/why I react to situations the way I do. There are plenty of people I've come to know and care about in the last year that I didn't know existed a year ago.
May 18, 2009:
Honestly, I'm getting kind of concerned for myself being home, and it's only been two days. Even aside from the whole "I have no clue what the fuck I'm doing now," thing, there's the bigger, more permanent "people are what made Oneonta home for me and I don't have ANYONE that feels like home here" (with the exception of my family, of course). That really is a big problem. I feel like I have no control over that situation. Somewhere, I still know that eventually I'm going to be okay. But that seems like it's way too far in the future. At this point I can barely see myself being okay here. That's a fucking depressing thought, but it's one I can't shake right now. I know that when I finally am feeling consistently like I'm in a good place again, I'm going to read back on this and shake my head at how determined I am that I'm going to be miserable. My being able to recognize this just makes it seem frivolous to feel this way all over again.
I just need to remind myself: things are always changing. This isn't going to stay this way. Cheer the fuck up.
The fact is there's still much progress to be made and I'm fine with that. Things are okay here. I am mostly in a good place at the moment. Even still, things aren't going to stay this way. There are bound to be rough patches ahead with things that are going well, and things that aren't going as well will be resolved sooner or later (hopefully sooner). I'm a lot happier than I could have ever guessed. That's all that I can ask for at the moment.
I used to think I had to escape from this place to make it anywhere, then I realized, why should I wait, my life isn't over here, it's just begun..