Phone convo with aunt
I'm sorry I haven't posted in forever. its too overwhelming to sit in front of a blank screen, knowing you have so much to say and share and just not have the energy to do it. But I'm going to at least try now.
My heart is aching in a good way. is that crazy? its been after a good cry and a reason for optimism in several different areas.
i have an aunt, I'll call her Aunt Rachel. My moms from a big family of a long of strong personalities. Rachel is my mom's youngest sister and my very favorite aunt of all time. Shes the one that always bought us birthday presents, sent us cards, and took us to the Ice Capades and Broadway shows and dinners. She has a very special place in my heart. Rachel never got married. Or she did once for a very short time and that was that. I know she is very sensitive which can be a great thing or difficult. She is so scared of being a burden that she's closed herself off from a lot of us. She also finds going to family functions painful because everyone is there married and with kids and whatnot and shes not. But I still have a special place for her in my heart.
Recently I've been thinking of her a lot. She lives a half hour from me. Why shouldn't she be in my life? I'm sure she'd love my kids and I bet we can reconnect and find things to talk about. I'll show her i'm normal and very interested in having her in my life. Anyway, I reached her (not an easy feat) the day before Presiden'ts day. I told her I was going to an indoor play gym right near her house and I hope, hope, hope she can meet me there. She sounded happy to hear from me but didnt committ to joining. The whole 3 hours I was at the playgym, I spent half looking out the window to see if she was coming. i called and left messages but she never showed up. called me later to say thanks for coming but she had errands. Disappointing but i didnt want to give up.
Anyway, she went away and I knew she was back. She already said she has Purim plans, but I was inviting some other aunts so I figured i'd invite her too. I reached her on the first ring, very unusual. Small talk, invite for purim, she'll see, some talk about an older aunt that has alzheimers, but it was all a little unnatural for me. She asks about kids, i tell her, and I feel like the convo will end soon. She asks me how are the kids, how i'm doing, etc. And I decided to share something challenging. See what happens.
So I say 'my feet have been hurting, there getting a little worse'. She was floored. I told her more. SHe had no clue. And this is where my wonderful, sensitive, kind hearted Aunt Rachel returned to her old self. She kept saying 'oh hon, i'm so sorry. I didn't know. i didnt know. your mom never told us. It felt so good to get the mommying. Of course her feelign all bad (though she assured be it wasn't pity it was empathy) made me feel bad because the sitch really is yucky even with me trying to be all spunky and oK with it all. And I started crying. And she really felt for me. And it was so good to be able to share it and talk and have someone understand, someone who really does love me and wants me to be happy. and its my Aunt Rachel who I love so much and want to be closer too and is so real and sensitive. She even said if she knew about this, she would have looked out for me more and stayed in touch better.
She asked if I had a good dr, and about PT and whatnot. So I told her i might be getting braces (new insurance cover half) and i should get PT but really I want to use a personal trainer who helped a friend with CMT. Apparently this trainer has helper her rediscover muscles she never thought she'd feel again. hes trained to work with people with CMT. But he's pricey. So AUnt Rachel said shed pay for it. can you imagine? I dont know if she really would or if I'd feel comfortable taking but I am floored she offered.
I have so much more to think about and write. But I want to finish up cuz i'm tired. i'm glad i wrote something. i love Aunt Rachel. SHe took down both my nums before hanging up. I hope this is a start to a new relationship. And if CMT had to do it, so be it!