Fear and Loathing at the South Pole
Deep in the underbelly of the world is the beast that drives us
to squander it all.
Admiral Thompson; Colonel Duke; pick a name, was found dead yesterday
in Antarctica. Apparently, as the autopsy will show, he was mauled to death
by siamese polar bears. The poor bastard never it coming. He was on assignment; a secret black ops investigation on an underground penguin
bobsledding race that was sure create controversy.
Several of the penguins had recently been tested positive for steroids but the bobsledding commissioner was good friends with the high ranking team and didn't want to upset the true, hardcore fans by disqualifying them. A penguin riot is not something anyone with any sense of self preservation would willingly instigate.
Anyway, Duke arrived early to the race and decided to place his bets on the underdogs from France. There are penguins in France apparently and bobsledding is they're forte. The races were to start around midnight, when it's nice and bright outside. This way the penguins won't be inclined to say "fuck it" and go swimming or something.
Duke was carrying something like two dozen milky way candy bars injected with wild turkey and several banana peels. The banana peels, you might ask why. In some ancient Aztec cultures, banana peels when smoked out of the right pipe(actually it's the shit on the insde of the peels) are known create a high similar to grass but actually quite stronger. And with all the fevered intensity surrounding the race, it's better to keep calm and layed back and let the fucking migdet butler beasts go ape shit over a
race that no sane man would ever watch, much less write about.
But Thompson bought the ticket. And by god was he going to take the ride.
Thompson had a friend at the South Pole who was aware of the situation
that presented itself. A one, Dr. Waldo Dolphin, was an camped out in the region in fear that his ex-revolutionary compadres that had been hunting him down ever since he sold their last RPG missile launcher to a twelve year old child who wanted to blow up a taco stand in El Ray, Mexico. The taco stand owner had apparently sold the boy some rancid taco meat that gave him severe diahrea for a month and a half; and the boy wanted sweet revenge for his ailments. But his compadres did too because their plans had been squandered. Dr. Dolphin had needed the money for a plane ticket to Mexico to do research on the infected beef that was killing twelve year old tourtists.
But back to the real issue. Duke needed a place to stay in Antarctica and Dolphin was the only human soul he knew there. In fact, he may have been the only human soul at the bottom of the earth. Thompson had dropped in on him earlier when he first arrived but there was a note that said he was out polar bear hunting.
The race was underway, and the best view around was at the top of a glacier that probably had the missing link frozen inside. Duke climbed atop the mass and watched the little migdet beasts slide themselves through the ice and around the glacier. After eating the candy bars and smoking the peels, a race like this tends to get a lot more interesting. "Watch out for that icey rock" he shouted to the lead penguin but it was too late and the penguin had buried itself in the tundra. Tough break but that's the price you pay when you fuck around with roids. The underdog from France had slipped into the lead and was heading around the last turn when the glacier that Duke was standing on broke away from the continent and buried all the penguin bobsledders in an icy grave. Too tragic to fully describe without making the readers sick with fear, but what a fucking race. Luckily Duke had stepped off the glacier seconds earlier to take a piss in the snow and smoke the last of his peels. He was saved by the call of mother nature but would soon be doomed by the same mother.
After such a display of true horror and devastation like a penguin massacre
Duke decided to walk back over Dr. Dolphin's cabin that was safe from the glaciers and revolutionaries.
Meanwhile, at the exact same moment in time, Dr. Waldo Dolphin was tracking down a strange and quite angry beast. It was none other than the Siamese polar bear that was about to do in the Colonel and give him a fitting end to a wild ride of an existence.
Duke was passing over a snow bank when the corner of his eye caught the beast that was blundering over the hill on the opposite side of the bank that Duke was on. The bear(s) were joined together at the flanks and it's heads, oddly enough, resembled Richard Nixon and Jimmy Carter but Duke couldn't tell because he was under the impression that polar bears were usually not attached to each other and his survival instincts were suspende d because that's what happens when you see siamese polar bears running toward you in the South fucking Pole. The heads of the beasts only reminded him of dying a horrible death in an ice desert at the bottom of the earth.
But as the beasts gained on Thompson, he did not move, not out of paralyzing fear, but sheer curiosity. He felt honored to be in the presence of such mythological beasts that have no real myth to speak of. He felt kinship and understanding with such a doomed creature, because doom waits for us all and when doom comes, it comes as siamese polar bears.
At least in Duke's case, but it brings respect to all that don't fear it.
And the days of fear and loathing are over for the Duke. Somebobody else can pick up the torch and carry it.
And when the Duke was gnarled to several bloody chunks of death, the bears gave out a growl that was heard by all that have ears and use them to hear the waves crash on the shore of a nearby galaxy that has no notion of what an ear is or what a growl sounds like.
But the ones who heard it know that sound and you can rest assure that the doomed beasts of the world are not worried about it. They bought the ticket and you swear by the soul of a brown buffalo that they took the ride.
This is dedicated to the memory of Hunter S. Thompson. "A mutant prototype
of some sort that was never meant for mass production. Too weird to live, too rare to die."
to squander it all.
Admiral Thompson; Colonel Duke; pick a name, was found dead yesterday
in Antarctica. Apparently, as the autopsy will show, he was mauled to death
by siamese polar bears. The poor bastard never it coming. He was on assignment; a secret black ops investigation on an underground penguin
bobsledding race that was sure create controversy.
Several of the penguins had recently been tested positive for steroids but the bobsledding commissioner was good friends with the high ranking team and didn't want to upset the true, hardcore fans by disqualifying them. A penguin riot is not something anyone with any sense of self preservation would willingly instigate.
Anyway, Duke arrived early to the race and decided to place his bets on the underdogs from France. There are penguins in France apparently and bobsledding is they're forte. The races were to start around midnight, when it's nice and bright outside. This way the penguins won't be inclined to say "fuck it" and go swimming or something.
Duke was carrying something like two dozen milky way candy bars injected with wild turkey and several banana peels. The banana peels, you might ask why. In some ancient Aztec cultures, banana peels when smoked out of the right pipe(actually it's the shit on the insde of the peels) are known create a high similar to grass but actually quite stronger. And with all the fevered intensity surrounding the race, it's better to keep calm and layed back and let the fucking migdet butler beasts go ape shit over a
race that no sane man would ever watch, much less write about.
But Thompson bought the ticket. And by god was he going to take the ride.
Thompson had a friend at the South Pole who was aware of the situation
that presented itself. A one, Dr. Waldo Dolphin, was an camped out in the region in fear that his ex-revolutionary compadres that had been hunting him down ever since he sold their last RPG missile launcher to a twelve year old child who wanted to blow up a taco stand in El Ray, Mexico. The taco stand owner had apparently sold the boy some rancid taco meat that gave him severe diahrea for a month and a half; and the boy wanted sweet revenge for his ailments. But his compadres did too because their plans had been squandered. Dr. Dolphin had needed the money for a plane ticket to Mexico to do research on the infected beef that was killing twelve year old tourtists.
But back to the real issue. Duke needed a place to stay in Antarctica and Dolphin was the only human soul he knew there. In fact, he may have been the only human soul at the bottom of the earth. Thompson had dropped in on him earlier when he first arrived but there was a note that said he was out polar bear hunting.
The race was underway, and the best view around was at the top of a glacier that probably had the missing link frozen inside. Duke climbed atop the mass and watched the little migdet beasts slide themselves through the ice and around the glacier. After eating the candy bars and smoking the peels, a race like this tends to get a lot more interesting. "Watch out for that icey rock" he shouted to the lead penguin but it was too late and the penguin had buried itself in the tundra. Tough break but that's the price you pay when you fuck around with roids. The underdog from France had slipped into the lead and was heading around the last turn when the glacier that Duke was standing on broke away from the continent and buried all the penguin bobsledders in an icy grave. Too tragic to fully describe without making the readers sick with fear, but what a fucking race. Luckily Duke had stepped off the glacier seconds earlier to take a piss in the snow and smoke the last of his peels. He was saved by the call of mother nature but would soon be doomed by the same mother.
After such a display of true horror and devastation like a penguin massacre
Duke decided to walk back over Dr. Dolphin's cabin that was safe from the glaciers and revolutionaries.
Meanwhile, at the exact same moment in time, Dr. Waldo Dolphin was tracking down a strange and quite angry beast. It was none other than the Siamese polar bear that was about to do in the Colonel and give him a fitting end to a wild ride of an existence.
Duke was passing over a snow bank when the corner of his eye caught the beast that was blundering over the hill on the opposite side of the bank that Duke was on. The bear(s) were joined together at the flanks and it's heads, oddly enough, resembled Richard Nixon and Jimmy Carter but Duke couldn't tell because he was under the impression that polar bears were usually not attached to each other and his survival instincts were suspende d because that's what happens when you see siamese polar bears running toward you in the South fucking Pole. The heads of the beasts only reminded him of dying a horrible death in an ice desert at the bottom of the earth.
But as the beasts gained on Thompson, he did not move, not out of paralyzing fear, but sheer curiosity. He felt honored to be in the presence of such mythological beasts that have no real myth to speak of. He felt kinship and understanding with such a doomed creature, because doom waits for us all and when doom comes, it comes as siamese polar bears.
At least in Duke's case, but it brings respect to all that don't fear it.
And the days of fear and loathing are over for the Duke. Somebobody else can pick up the torch and carry it.
And when the Duke was gnarled to several bloody chunks of death, the bears gave out a growl that was heard by all that have ears and use them to hear the waves crash on the shore of a nearby galaxy that has no notion of what an ear is or what a growl sounds like.
But the ones who heard it know that sound and you can rest assure that the doomed beasts of the world are not worried about it. They bought the ticket and you swear by the soul of a brown buffalo that they took the ride.
This is dedicated to the memory of Hunter S. Thompson. "A mutant prototype
of some sort that was never meant for mass production. Too weird to live, too rare to die."