So.....
So I'm really mad at myself. I think that when it comes to facing obstacles in life, I usually just make a joke and hope that the problem goes away. But in reality I'm left with a much bigger problem. Well this coming weekend is a HUGE PROBLEM. And I've talked to people about it making jokes about what could happen hahahahahha. But seriously I'm scared out of my mine. Tonight I wanted to go upstairs and just cry. Also, I'm getting scared sick in my stomach. I've also contemplated not going through with this weekend. But that wouldn't be fair to everyone else. I wish that I would have just been assertive from the beginning. I guess I'm all talk. I say that I will do all these things and when the time comes I tuck my tail and smile. I really wish I had balls. (well I mean I have balls but you know what i mean). Because if I had told one person one simple thing NONE of this would have happened. But now I'm stuck with a huge mess that I wish would just go away.
I also feel that sometimes I'm putting on a show. I laugh a lot, and I wonder if I do that to hide things. I don't feel stable at all. I mean I'm not like extremely depressed or anything. But I can't remember a time where I have felt free from obligation. Like this is Spring Break and I'm worried about my lab reports and my physics homework. Who does that? I mean some people will say you're just being a good student. But it's more than getting it done, it's being OVERLY stressed about it that is not normal. I mean I wish I would be okay with making B's you know. I mean when I get a B I seriously get depressed and that is SO STUPID. I wish that I would realize that college is STUPID HARD and that it's okay to make B's from time to time. But enough about that.
I just feel that I'm not being myself and not saying things that I want to say. I don't like hurting people, but when not hurting others leads to hurting yourself (which is the case for me) then people should get hurt. I think I have a lot of work to do on myself.
But that's enough for now for you all to chew on. Please wish me luck this weekend that nothing will blow up on me and that everything goes normal.
G'night
A PAL
I also feel that sometimes I'm putting on a show. I laugh a lot, and I wonder if I do that to hide things. I don't feel stable at all. I mean I'm not like extremely depressed or anything. But I can't remember a time where I have felt free from obligation. Like this is Spring Break and I'm worried about my lab reports and my physics homework. Who does that? I mean some people will say you're just being a good student. But it's more than getting it done, it's being OVERLY stressed about it that is not normal. I mean I wish I would be okay with making B's you know. I mean when I get a B I seriously get depressed and that is SO STUPID. I wish that I would realize that college is STUPID HARD and that it's okay to make B's from time to time. But enough about that.
I just feel that I'm not being myself and not saying things that I want to say. I don't like hurting people, but when not hurting others leads to hurting yourself (which is the case for me) then people should get hurt. I think I have a lot of work to do on myself.
But that's enough for now for you all to chew on. Please wish me luck this weekend that nothing will blow up on me and that everything goes normal.
G'night
A PAL