(no subject)
There are some moments in life when you just have to stop and stand perfectly still as if your life depends on it. And in those moments, its as if the worst times of hell somehow climb up your spine and fill you with a calm that terrifies you beyond your wildest dreams.
I cannot help feel so fragile. I feel as if I could fall apart, break, snap, crack, collapse, you know it is. I've lived a bit over two decades and I feel as if I've lived two centuries. I feel like such an old man and life treats me like I'm just a kid. It is the ultimate joke to be deprived of feeling but of feeling like the end is as near to me as the beginning.
There isn't a part of me that doesn't feel like its giving its all just to be. I feel as if any moment of any pathetic day I dare to get up out of bed and snap. All I see around me are happy faces with happy lives. That's not even the worst. It's when I think of myself and how miserable I feel. That's what gets me. I haven't even the satisfaction of saying that my misery comes from having lived. I don't even know the meaning of the word. I'm just.. I'm just. That's all.
Something has got to give. I'm terrified of what. I keep saying I'm going to change, I'm going to be better and get better and do better, but its all an empty threat. I want to, but I just don't know how. I need to but I just can't find the strength.
I sort of have a pool going with myself, you know, in terms of how it will happen first. I'm sure I've said it before. I feel like every part of me is in a race to destroy me first. Maybe my mind. Maybe my spirit. What does it matter? You cannot change destiny. You cannot change yourself.
Can you? I don't think you can. Everyone says people can't change. I'd love to believe that you can, but let's face it. That's not going to happen is it? Why do I even bother?