solitude stands in the doorway
okay, i'm currently obsessed with turning suzanne vega songs into spn fic. it's pretty weird. but some of them seem so perfectly sammy i have to try.
and this is what happens.
title: solitude stands in the doorway (five times sam sees jess)
author: me
characters: sam, jess, dean
summary: sam still sees jess in the lonely, quiet places
1.
The first time he sees her she’s watching him from the side of the road in Ohio. Her hair is a golden cloud. The hem of her white cotton dress flaps in the wind like wings.
He wants to burst out of the car, literally, through the glass, and into her arms.
He wants to hide. Just fold himself down onto the floor with the empty food wrappers and shame.
Sam doesn’t do either. Instead, he stares holes through the window, mouth open, eyes burning. His heart aches and his arms are empty. All he wants is to hold her one more time and tell her he’s sorry. So fucking sorry.
2.
The second time he sees her she’s standing by the window in the motel room. He enters the room ahead of Dean and there she is. She turns her head and smiles and it feels like he’s been gut punched. He staggers a little and drops the duffel by the bed. Her name is on his lips like an incantation.
Then Dean’s in the room, bitching about the cold weather and wanting to know why the lights aren’t on yet. He flips the switch and the light sweeps the late afternoon gloom away.
If Jess was there, she’s gone now.
3.
The third time he sees her he’s crouched in a hospital stairwell. His back is pressed against the wall and he’s trying to breath but it’s hard. It’s fucking hard because his chest is stuffed with barbed wire and his throat is full of razor blades. He wipes the tears from his face with trembling hands. Dean can’t die. He can’t.
The stairs above and below lead into darkness. He listens to the sound of his ragged breathing echo off the walls. There’s nothing but silence and the acrid taste of fear. And then his eyes drift to the gathering of darkness in the shadows. She’s sitting on the landing below him. He can’t see her expression, but he can feel it. He can’t hear her voice, but he knows what she’s saying.
Dean will live.
4.
The fourth time he sees her in a bar. They’re killing time after a hunt. Dean’s playing pool and Sam’s nursing a beer. He catches a glimpse of her in a dark corner by the juke box. She offers him a paper thin smile. Sam looks away. He takes another sip of beer but doesn’t taste it.
When his eyes slide back to Jess the space beside the juke box is empty.
5.
The last time he sees her she’s in his apartment. He can’t sleep and he wanders from room to room, more of a ghost than the things he hunts. She’s standing in the hallway, a silhouette of loss. She holds a hand out to him and he takes it. He can’t speak. He’s not sure she can hear him, and besides, there’s nothing left to say. His words still sound like ash and regret.
But she smiles at him anyway and there’s forgiveness in the touch of her skin.
And as much as some part of him still loves her, will always love her, it’s not her figure he wants to see haunting him.
ok, this is the song that's been in my brain that gave me the idea for this fic:
Solitude stands by the window
She turns her head as I walk in the room
I can see by her eyes she's been waiting
Standing in the slant of the late afternoon
And she turns to me with her hand extended
Her palm is split with a flower with a flame
Solitude stands in the doorway
And I'm struck once again by her black silhouette
By her long cool stare and her silence
I suddenly remember each time we've met
And she turns to me with her hand extended
Her palm is split with a flower with a flame
And she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight"
And she says "I've come to lighten this dark heart"
And she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear
And I say "I've never thought of finding you here."
and...new spn tonight!
YAY!
and this is what happens.
title: solitude stands in the doorway (five times sam sees jess)
author: me
characters: sam, jess, dean
summary: sam still sees jess in the lonely, quiet places
1.
The first time he sees her she’s watching him from the side of the road in Ohio. Her hair is a golden cloud. The hem of her white cotton dress flaps in the wind like wings.
He wants to burst out of the car, literally, through the glass, and into her arms.
He wants to hide. Just fold himself down onto the floor with the empty food wrappers and shame.
Sam doesn’t do either. Instead, he stares holes through the window, mouth open, eyes burning. His heart aches and his arms are empty. All he wants is to hold her one more time and tell her he’s sorry. So fucking sorry.
2.
The second time he sees her she’s standing by the window in the motel room. He enters the room ahead of Dean and there she is. She turns her head and smiles and it feels like he’s been gut punched. He staggers a little and drops the duffel by the bed. Her name is on his lips like an incantation.
Then Dean’s in the room, bitching about the cold weather and wanting to know why the lights aren’t on yet. He flips the switch and the light sweeps the late afternoon gloom away.
If Jess was there, she’s gone now.
3.
The third time he sees her he’s crouched in a hospital stairwell. His back is pressed against the wall and he’s trying to breath but it’s hard. It’s fucking hard because his chest is stuffed with barbed wire and his throat is full of razor blades. He wipes the tears from his face with trembling hands. Dean can’t die. He can’t.
The stairs above and below lead into darkness. He listens to the sound of his ragged breathing echo off the walls. There’s nothing but silence and the acrid taste of fear. And then his eyes drift to the gathering of darkness in the shadows. She’s sitting on the landing below him. He can’t see her expression, but he can feel it. He can’t hear her voice, but he knows what she’s saying.
Dean will live.
4.
The fourth time he sees her in a bar. They’re killing time after a hunt. Dean’s playing pool and Sam’s nursing a beer. He catches a glimpse of her in a dark corner by the juke box. She offers him a paper thin smile. Sam looks away. He takes another sip of beer but doesn’t taste it.
When his eyes slide back to Jess the space beside the juke box is empty.
5.
The last time he sees her she’s in his apartment. He can’t sleep and he wanders from room to room, more of a ghost than the things he hunts. She’s standing in the hallway, a silhouette of loss. She holds a hand out to him and he takes it. He can’t speak. He’s not sure she can hear him, and besides, there’s nothing left to say. His words still sound like ash and regret.
But she smiles at him anyway and there’s forgiveness in the touch of her skin.
And as much as some part of him still loves her, will always love her, it’s not her figure he wants to see haunting him.
ok, this is the song that's been in my brain that gave me the idea for this fic:
Solitude stands by the window
She turns her head as I walk in the room
I can see by her eyes she's been waiting
Standing in the slant of the late afternoon
And she turns to me with her hand extended
Her palm is split with a flower with a flame
Solitude stands in the doorway
And I'm struck once again by her black silhouette
By her long cool stare and her silence
I suddenly remember each time we've met
And she turns to me with her hand extended
Her palm is split with a flower with a flame
And she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight"
And she says "I've come to lighten this dark heart"
And she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear
And I say "I've never thought of finding you here."
and...new spn tonight!
YAY!